I Just Want You
by icantbestill29
Summary: Alex is the founder and lead guitarist of the all girl band, Solitary Confinement. When their lead singer unexpectedly quits, they need to find a replacement. Enter Piper, a talented, up and coming singer song writer. Will Alex find love where she leasts expects it? AU inspired by the Sara Bareillis song of the same name.
1. Chapter 1

"The last fucking thing this band needs is some narcissistic twit replacing Lorna," Alex hissed, her eyes narrowing as she crossed her arms in front of her chest. "We're already at each other's throats all day, every day. You wanna throw somebody in here with no real experience to play with us? We play three thousand seaters, Red. We're in a different city every week. This isn't a fucking elementary school talent show. We're musicians. Like real musicans. "

Before their manager could respond (She was beginning to glower over at Alex from across the table like she was coming up with five hundred different ways to tell her to go fuck herself) when Nicky interjected.

"Dude," she rolled her eyes, poking Alex's rose tattoo subversively, "We really don't have much of a fucking choice now do we?"

"Yeah we do," Alex countered, scowling at the wild haired bassist. "We can finish the tour. I'll sing if I have to."

"Be prepared for alot of refunds," she retorted. "Listen, I know this is a shit situation and believe me, I don't wanna fucking be doing this anymore than you do. I also didn't plan for my girlfriend to suddenly decide she's into dick and run off and get married."

Being friends with her for ten years certainly gave Nicky the ability to know how and when to shut Alex up. The guitarist opened her mouth and closed it again.

"I started this band up with you and as much as it's your baby and you don't think I take shit seriously, I do," she offered unapologetically. "And trust me, we need to find a fucking singer or there is no tour. Might as well haul our asses back to New York."

"Thank you for doing all the work for me, Nichols," Red cut in, taking a swig of lukewarm coffee. "Fucking terrible," she made a face. "Nobody knows how to make a decent cup of coffee in this state?"

Alex sighed, pushing away her half eaten pancakes. "Obviously I'm outnumbered here."

Their manager folded her hands and met Alex's gaze. "Why did you hire me, huh?"

"Fuck, Vause," Nicky groaned, leaning her forehead against the cool formica table top. "You had to get her started."

"Did you think I was going to sit around and tell you how good you sound? Or. how pretty you are? Because if that's who you want, find another manager."

"Red-"

"Why did you hire me? Just answer the question."

She knew exactly where this was going. "To make us money," she responded mechanically. Putting up with Red's bullshit had seemed a small price to pay since she'd single handley brought them from playing shithole dive bars and hole in the wall clubs to opening at concerts at Madison Square Garden. Alex considered herself relatively business savvy but Red was who made deals, got them better money, argued with record labels so that they could concentrate solely on the music. As much as the Russian got under her skin, Alex trusted her implicitly. If she and Nicky thought they should find someone to replace Lorna, then that's what would happen, despite her protests. Poussey, who was scared shitless of Red had quickly shook her head against Alex's objections. "Nah, man," she'd said. "It ain't worth the fight. I'm only the drummer. If she won't listen to you, what the fuck makes you think she gonna listen to my ass?"

The second Red had made them have a sit down at some obscure diner while they were just outside of St. Louis, Alex knew things were fucked. All Red cared about was not losing out on the money the tour was bringing in and Nicky was too emotionally scarred to make sound decisions. Poussey hated conflict so that left Alex and Alex only to consider what was best for the band. And she was almost positive that bringing in someone with little professional experience would fuck up their dynamic. Hell, when Nicky and Lorna had started up, she'd been dead set against it and lo and behold, she'd been right. "You don't shit where you eat," she'd warned her friend but Nicky had sworn up and down it wouldn't interfere with anything. She and Poussey hadn't thought anything would come of it, after all, it was Nicky's style to fuck around; girls they'd met on the road, girls they knew from other bands. She didn't let herself get involved with anyone and normally, Alex was fine with it but not when it came to the band. Not when she'd worked so hard to get them on the map. Lorna had been different and she'd begrudgingly admitted it was nice seeing her friend so happy. It had blindsided all of them when the singer had left for a chance at a "normal life". As devestated as Alex was at her sudden departure, she couldn't help but be more devestated for her friend. It was a double blow.

"Glad you see it my way," Red looked very much like the cat who ate the canary. "We've wasted enough time already. We have a few possibilities lined up for today...we have a show in two days so we need to find someone who can learn fast."

"Did I just hear you say she's gonna sing with us at the fucking Fox?" Alex asked incredulously, leaning forward in the booth. "What the actual _fuck_ Red?"

Nicky touched her arm warningly. "Vause-"

"No, Nick, this is where I draw the line. She wants us to find a new singer today and teach her an entire set list in two days? Is she fucking serious? She doesn't give a shit if we look like fools or not. People talk, Red," her green eyes bore into the older woman's. "No one's gonna take us seriously if it's fucking amateur hour out there."

"She's got a point, Red," Nicky shrugged. "It's a shit ton to learn in two days. Especially for someone who hasn't played a big house before."

"What does Poussey think about this? Where is she anyway? Why isn't she here?" Alex asked suddenly. It seemed extremely odd that only she and Nicky were present.

"I already spoke to her, she's on board with whatever I decide," Red replied, daring anyone to contradict her.

"That's convenient," Alex muttered. The whole meeting was a formality. Red already had decided what she wanted to do and the reality was, she didn't give a fuck if either of them thought it was a bad idea. Red's word was gospel and Alex was only one to ever challenge her. It hadn't always been that way; once upon a time Nicky had been quick to have her back and even though she hadn't known Lorna and Poussey nearly as long, they did as well. The four of them had been a united front. Then the saga that was Nicky/Lorna happened, Red got them a record deal and began to subtlety pit them against one another by telling each of them individually the the other was trying to get them replaced. It created a hostile environment and instead of the solid foundation they'd had in the beginning, trust was scare and Alex could barely recall a time in the recent past where they weren't fighting like kids on the playground. Lorna's leaving without warning had only added fuel to the fire of an already delicate situation.

"Listen to me," The red head lowered her voice to a decibel that meant she wanted to slap the shit out of Alex, Nicky and maybe the waitress for bringing her such a subpar cup of coffee. "You both need to step the fuck up. Vause, you could teach a monkey to sing your songs and Nichols, Jesus Christ...take some Prozac and get it together. Pick a girl who is pretty to look at, who can sing just enough and cash your check, just like everyone else." She eyed Alex pointedly. "I didn't hear you bitching and moaning when the money I made you got your mother out of the trailer park and into a house."

At the mention of Diane, Alex reflexively balled her fists but Nicky shook her head. "Suppose we find a girl today and we teach her the music...then what? Is she gonna finish up the tour with us, go on the next album? What happens next?"

"Ah, you're thinking too far ahead," Red pointed a finger at her. "First we find the girl, then we go from there. Can I count on you two? To audition the new singer?"

Instead of answering, Alex turned to her friend. "Nick, you know how important this is...this band. I've given up everything. Fuck, you have too, man. You were there with me, the whole time. Are we really gonna let some chick come in and fuck up everything we've worked so hard for? We'll find a singer. A real singer. But it's going to take awhile to find someone good and until then, we can make it work. We can. Just please...please be on my side for once. I'm fucking begging you. Don't agree to this."

The bassist's expression was morose. "Dude," she sighed. "You and me...we've been through alot together. You know I love you, I do...but Vause, this shit is a business. We're not playing little clubs anymore. This is the big leagues. We have to play the game. We have to or we can just go fuck off, you know?"

"You have a future yet, Nichols," Red smirked, reaching across the table to punch her in the shoulder. "Vause?"

"I don't have much of a fucking choice now, do I?" she mumbled darkly. "What time does this three ring circus start?"

"Two. The first one is going to meet us with her manager at the Fox."

"She's got a manager?" Nicky perked up, elbowing Alex in the ribs. "That's promising, huh?"

"Shut up," She turned to Red. "So she has some experience I take it. Since she has a manager and all."

Ignoring the sarcasm in Alex's tone, the older woman nodded. "She's performed all over Boston. Trying to break out professionally. Her manager sent out some demos...hell of a voice." Red's expression hardened, her mouth set in a thin, firm line. "Don't sleep with her, Vause. Under any circumstances. Don't even try, you understand? Off limits."

The brunette laughed hollowly. "You should be talking to Nichols. She's the one who likes to bang anything in a skirt."

"Hey, fuck you."

"What's her name," Alex asked, ignoring her friend's protests.

"Uh, Chapman," Their manager peered at her phone over her glasses. "Piper Chapman."

"Well, this Piper Chapman better be amazing," Alex said, eyeing Red. "If this is going to work, even a little, she needs to be amazing."


	2. Chapter 2

"You guys know this is complete bullshit," Alex ran a hand hurriedly through her mass of dark hair, nudging the side railing with her toe. When she and Nicky had made it back to the hotel, they'd met up with Poussey who was smoking out on the balcony of her room. Alex had quickly caught her up on the details of the meeting and she informed them Red had told her she didn't need to be there. That had made Alex furious and she was ready to call the manager and tell her to go fuck herself but Poussey had merely shook her head and said she wasn't at all surprised Red wanted to replace Lorna as fast as possible or that she hadn't been asked to weigh in. "I ain't important," she had replied matter factly. "At least not to her."

"Of course it's bullshit," Nicky gestured for Poussey to hand her the cigarette and she took a long drag off of it before handing it back.

"Thought you quit," Poussey grinned.

"I did. Anyway," she focused on Alex, "You wanna be the one to fire her? Then we're fucked."

"We can find another manager in like, five seconds," Alex replied smugly, rolling her eyes.

"That's not what I mean. The woman has connections with the Russian mob. I for one, don't wanna be the one who pisses her off."

Alex laughed. "Oh come on, Nichols, you can't tell me you honestly believe that shit."

"Do you really wanna find out?"

"Shit," The drummer sank into the white deck chair."Ya'll keep arguing about Red. Me, I'm gonna mind my own fucking business. I'm gonna show up at that audition, keep my mouth shut..."

"That's all you ever want to do," Alex muttered under her breath.

"Yo, man, you wanna say that shit a little louder? Cuz I can't hear you," Poussey rose from her chair, eyes gleaming with a dare.

"Guys, guys, relax," Nicky tried to play peacemaker. "We're all-"

"You know what, Nick," Alex cut her off. "I'm all set. I'm going for a walk. See you at 2."

Seething, she turned on her heel and left the balcony.

Walking had always calmed her. Growing up having less than reliable cars that were constantly breaking down, she had had to take the bus alot or go out on foot. It still was her go to method for settling down a red hot temper, something she'd not quite outgrown.

"Fuck this," She pushed air out through her teeth as she walked further and further away from the hotel with absolutely no destination in mind. "Fuck Red and fuck Poussey and fuck Nicky for not having my back and fuck Lorna for leaving."

She knew she probably looked crazy to the people she passed, talking to herself like some schizophrenic and she was briefly thankful that she'd chosen to wear ripped jeans, no make up and sunglasses, totally unlike her onstage persona. No one as so much turned their head in her direction.

God, she needed to talk to the one person who was always on her side, no matter what, no questions asked. The only person she didn't need to explain herself to. Taking her phone out of her pocket, she quickly hit a button and put it up to her ear.

"Babe!" The familiar voice at the other end of the line made tears spring to the corners of her eyelids. It instantly made everything better.

"Mom, hey, hi. I was just calling to...you know, let you know how things are going." Alex struggled desperately to keep her voice neutral. Realistically she knew there was nothing Diane could do to help. She was hundreds of miles away and Alex should have had a handle on her own problems.

"Honey, you know I love to hear from you. I'm not complaining, really I'm not, but you don't sound good. Everything OK?"

"Yeah," she replied thickly, walking faster. "I just wanted to hear your voice, I guess."

"I miss you, baby," Diane said and Alex could almost imagine her sitting outside on the wrap around porch with her morning coffee and cigarette, her Saturday morning routine. "How's St. Louis? You guys get to see the city yet?"

"Not really."

"You're playing on Monday, right?"

"Yup. But I called to talk about you. How are you doing...what's been going on?"

"Oh, ya know...same shit, different day." Diane paused. "I really wanna know what's going on with my baby girl. It's been a couple of days since I've heard from you."

"Sorry," she mumbled guiltily. "I know I told you I'd call when I got here but with all the shit that's been going on..."

"Not trying to make you feel bad. I know you're busy. I miss you, that's all. So tellme what's goin' on. You guys gonna figure something out for Monday since Lorna's gone."

"Red figured something out alright," Alex's stride increased and she was breathless but she didn't slow down.

"What are ya doing? You're all out breath."

"Walking."

"Oh shit...you're pissed off at Red, right? Alright, let's here it, what'd she do this time?"

"How long do you have?" The brunette took in a big gasp of air and plunged on. "So she tells us we need to replace Lorna. Like now. So at two, we're auditioning the first girl and then someone else I guess if she sucks and then whoever we pick is singing with us at the show on Monday. Pretty fucked up, huh?"

"Jesus, I'd say. Whatta you gonna do?"

"It's out of my hands, Ma. Nicky and Poussey are gonna do whatever the fuck Red tells them. Nobody gives a shit about this band except me." Alex was aware she sounded like a petulant twelve year old but she didn't have to put on a brave face for her mom. Diane was used to her tendency toward melodrama at times.

"It's not out of your hands. Listen to me, Alex. You were born to be a musician. Look at who-never mind. Not gonna bring him up. Anyway, you're good. I'm not just sayin' that because I'm your mom. You know you're good. So here's what you're gonna do...you're gonna go that audition, pick the best singer and you're gonna teach her the music. You can teach anyone anything, Al. You're special, don't you know that? And then you're gonna call me on Tuesday and tell me how amazing the concert was, OK?"

"Yeah or what a shit show it was.'

"Alex," Diane started warningly, causing her daughter to roll her eyes. The woman had always had more faith in her than she did in herself.

"I'm gonna do my best," Alex sighed. "Listen, Mom, I'm gonna grab a coffee. The one they served at the restaurant this morning tasted like motor oil."

Diane laughed heartily and the sound canvassed across the miles through the phone, making a sharp pang of longing settle smack into the center of her chest. How pathetic am I? Thirty five years old and I'm freakin homesick, she thought, dabbing quickly at her eyes under her sunglasses.

"OK, baby. You keep that chin up, hear me? No feelin' sorry for yourself. That's your band. You're in control. Not Red. Not anybody but you. Got it?"

"Yeah, I got it." Alex's voice softened as she paused outside the Starbucks. "Love you."

"Love you too, baby girl. Talk to you soon."

Hanging up, Alex couldn't help but feel relieved. Finding the coffee chain had served two purposes. Not only was it chance to fuel up properly before whatever was to come in the afternoon, it was also a valid excuse to get off the phone with Diane before she started balling like the big pathetic baby she'd apparently turned into. Her mom's steadfast belief in her seemed like an awful lot to live up to and not for the first time, Alex wondered if the whole professional musican thing was a solid career choice.

"Fuck it," She muttered. If Diane was certain this could work, she had no choice but to believe her. Her mother was the strongest person she'd ever known and she wasn't about to disappoint her. She'd done enough of that when she was a teenager to last a lifetime.

Starbucks was quiet and she busied herself going over instrumentals of their music on her iPhone. It was almost guaranteed they'd have to fuck with the set list a bit to make sure whoever they picked could sing both their more well known stuff and material that was easy to learn fast. The time sped by and before Alex knew it, it was time to head back to the hotel.

After a quick shower, Alex debated on what to wear to the audition. She didn't want to go full out Bettie Page like she did for shows but she also wanted to look like she meant business. Wondering why she cared so much, she finally settled on black skinny jeans, a black crocheted shirt with a tank top underneath and ankle boots. She ran a brush briskly through her long hair, still damp from the shower, letting it hang loosely down her back. Thankfully no one had bothered to ask if she wanted to go with them. There was no way she was in any mood to be anything other than civil to anyone.

The Fabulous Fox, in all it's old school grandeur, was up there with one of the nicest venues Alex had been in and under normal circumstances, she would've been psyched to play there but as she strode backstage, giving her name to the security guard who answered the door, a huge lump formed in her throat. It was an awfully huge space to be made a fool of in.

"Hey, you made it, dude," Nicky strode up to her and wacked her on the shoulder. "Where the fuck did you go?"

"You look tense. You ok?" She couldn't stop the condensation from dripping into her tone and Nicky blinked once and then again.

"Fuck yeah, I'm tense. Wouldn't you be?" The other woman twirled a strand of unruly hair around her finger and pursed her lips. "This shit is alot of pressure."

"Nice place though," Poussey piped up from behind Nicky.

The dressing room was large and bright with huge floor to ceiling windows and roomy lit up make up stations. In the left corner of the room sat a large red crushed velvet sofa. It was a beautiful space and Alex immediately crashed onto to the sofa.

"Hey Vause...I just wanna say I'm sorry for being a dick earlier," Poussey sat down next to her. "I'm just nervous, man. This shit is nuts."

"Don't even worry about it," Alex replied dismissively. "Where the fuck is Red? She was supposed to meet us fifteen minutes ago. I'd really like to get this over with."

At that moment the manager burst through the door. "Hello ladies...I know, I know...I'm late. Tell me about it...Anyway. I have someone for you to meet."

Trailing slightly behind her was a tall blonde and a man with messy hair and a nervous smile. "Hey," the blonde waved slightly in greeting. She wore an white flowy blouse and blue jeans, her hair cut in stylish layers. Alex vaugely thought the girl looked like a walking Gap ad. A knockout to be sure but not in line with the punk look of the band at all.

"Girls, this is Piper Chapman and her manager, Larry."

"Uh, manager slash fiancee," he corrected with an lopsided grin, stepping forward.

Piper smiled. "What he said." Alex zoned in on her ring finger then and saw it, the huge, glittery diamond nestled on a thin gold band.

She shot Nicky a look from across the room where she was perched on a make up station and her friend cocked her head, indicating she'd seen the ring as well.

"Let me introduce you to the band and we'll get started, shall we?" Red took her by the arm and led her to Alex. "First and foremost, this is Solitary Confinement itself. Our fearless leader, Alex Vause."

The little show Red was putting on for Piper and her manager was making her want to vomit. Still, Diane's words ringing in her ears, she forced a smile. "Hey."

"I've listened to the album. you're an amazing guitarist. Like really amazing...and the songs. You write all the music too, right?"

"Well, me and Nick here."

"You guys are great." Piper extended her hand. "It's really nice to meet you."

Always a skeptic, Alex mulled over her words, wondering if the blonde was sincere in her praise. Larry said nothing, only stood awkwardly behind her. She took the proffered hand anyway.

As their fingers touched and enclosed around one another's, the spark made Alex jump. It was electric and instantaneous and as she glanced up at Piper, her blue eyes widening slightly, Alex knew she had felt it too.


	3. Chapter 3

Alex wasn't into fairytales. She never had been. Even as a little girl, she'd had no use for them. The thought of some helpless maiden who was saved by a prince did nothing but make her roll her eyes. If those stories held a kernel of truth, where was the mythical saviour when their electricity got turned off for the fifth time in six months or when Diane had to hold down three jobs just to keep food on the table? Maybe those kind of things happened to imaginary girls but not to ones like Alex. She preferred to concentrate soley on reality.

Which is why she didn't believe in love at first sight or in soulmates or any of the other garbage society tried to push on impressionable teenage girls. Her mother had insisted her father had loved her the second he laid eyes on her and all it got her was getting knocked up and alone at only nineteen. Alex had heard the same story, time and time again and it didn't take her long to put two and two together and conclude her father was a deadbeat.

She liked to keep things casual with the girls she dated and while nowhere as free wheeling as Nicky (who tended to fuck around first and ask questions later...Alex at least got their name), she didn't particularly do relationships. She also didn't play games so she made her rules clear from the get go; no extended sleepovers, no titles and no exclusivity. If the girl she was with broke those rules, it was time to move on. If she herself broke those rules...well, she had never been tempted to break them. Not once. There hadn't been any great love or heartbreak in her life and she wanted to keep it that way. Nicky claimed it was because she was afraid of losing control, of getting hurt but really, it was because she'd worked too damn long to establish herself and her band to risk losing everything for some man made fictional thing like love. Her mind needed to stay clear and focused and she knew any sort of strong romantic attachment would jeopardize that.

Piper was beautiful, there was no doubt about that and the tingle that had passed through Alex's entire body when their skin connected had taken her slightly aback. It wasn't something she'd ever felt before and she realized dizzily that everything about the other woman suddenly made her uneasy, from her endless ocean eyes to her perfect smile. Alex wanted to run. The urge hit her fast and furious and she momentarily had to catch her breath.

But Alex didn't believe in soulmates. Especially gorgeous blonde straight girls who were about to audition for her band. Managing to regain control of herself, she dropped Piper's hand. "Ok," she said briskly, "Ready to get started?"

If Piper was startled by the brunette's sudden transition into all business, she didn't let on. "Yeah, of course." Larry stepped out from behind her and handed her a well worn fender guitar. His expression hadn't changed the entire time he'd entered the room and Alex noticed (rather gratifyingly so), he seemed uncomfortable.

"You play?" Nicky questioned, ignoring Alex's raised eyebrow. "What? Not all singers play, ya know."

"She just pulled out a guitar and you askin' her if she plays?" Poussey quipped from beside Alex.

"Why don't you guys just shut the fuck up so she can sing?" The bite in her tone silenced the room and she felt slightly embarrassed by her harshness but they were looking like a bunch of bitchy teenagers with their dumb questions and pointless bickering. How were they supposed to find anyone decent if they seemed like they'd totally lost their shit?

Red cleared her throat. "All right, Blondie. Take it away...show us what you got."

Piper smiled, as cool as could be and Alex had to have a shred of admiration for the woman; she sure as hell wasn't easily rattled. "I'm not singing anything I wrote...I hope that's OK."

"Perfect." Red spoke for them and Piper looked right at Alex as she began to strum the opening chords which Alex immediately recognized as a Grace Potter song.

"I lit a fire with the love you left behind," Piper sang in a clear, rich voice. "And it burned wild and crept up the mountain side. I followed your ashes into outerspace. I can't look out the window, I can't look at this place."

As she sang, her blue eyes pierced Alex's and the intensity of her gaze made the other woman look to the floor. Her tone, while not as powerful as Lorna's well known growl but it had a dynamic quality that made you stop what you were doing and pay attention.

"And I can't look at the stars," Piper leaned into the final chorus, her fingers strumming madly. She was no longer looking at Alex; her eyes squeezed shut tightly as her voice soared on a beautiful, pleading howl, "They make me wonder where you are, stars, on heaven's boulevard. And if I know you at all, I know you've gone too far, so I, I can't look at the stars."

She opened her eyes again, training them not on Alex this time, but on the wall in front of her as she finished. "So I, I can't look at the stars."

The room was completely silent and Piper handed her guitar back to Larry. He shot her an indiscreet a thumbs up which caused Nicky to snort.

Alex shot her a look. "Uh, thanks," She turned to the other woman who said nothing but smiled up at her amicably, taking a swig from the camel bak water bottle Larry passed her. _Fuck, does nothing phase this girl?_ Alex thought incredulously. She had just given an incredible audition and she was lookung at them casually, as if she'd just done her taxes or taken out the garbage. "Good...good job. Do you mind waiting outside so we can all talk?"

Red opened her mouth to object but Alex had anticipated it and headed her off at the pass. "Red wants us to agree on a decision, you know?" She flashed the woman a grin. "Red, if you don't mind."

The Russian raised her eyebrows. "You want me to wait outside?"

"You said this is my call. Our call."

"Fine," The woman threw her hands up. "This one is so difficult," She turned to Piper, touching her shoulder. "You did good, honey. Shall we?" She steered her toward the door.

"Of course. Take all the time you need. C'mon, Larry."

"Oh fuck no," Nicky jumped off her post the second they left the room. "My vote is a big, fuckin' no." She plopped down between Poussey and Alex on the sofa.

"Okay, first of all, lower your voice, they're right outside and second of all," She lowered her own volume a few decibels. "Second of all, are you fucking kidding me? Were you not in the same room as everyone else? That voice...Jesus Christ, she can read music, she can sing and she's obviously got a brain in her head. Do we really need to see anyone else?"

Nicky elbowed her in the ribs. "You want to sleep with her."

Poussey grinned. "Hell yeah she does."

"Fuck you guys," Alex shook her head . "That's got shit to do with-"

"So you're sayin' you don't think she's hot?" The bassist narrowed her eyes. "I call bullshit."

"Total bullshit, man," Poussey agreed, bumping her knee against Alex's. "Even I'd hit that."

"Right!?" They high fived each other over Alex's head and she sighed exasperatedly and hopped off the couch.

"Listen, Tweedle Dumb and Tweedle Dee, that's enough. I'm not you, Nick. I don't wanna fuck every attractive girl I meet. Can you for one second quit acting like ten year olds and tell me why you don't want her to sing for us? Don't you think she's fucking amazing?"

"Oh she's amazing," Nicky replied. "That's not the problem."

"OK..." Alex paced. "You don't think she can learn the music soon enough? Because I can tell you, just by listening to her, she can." She stopped in front of the sofa again. "Is it her image? Because we can fix that too...none of us look like we do when we perform. Look at you," She gestured to Nicky. "You can't be bothered to run a fucking comb through your hair when you're not on stage."

"Love you too, Vause," Her friend replied dryly. "None of that shit is the problem. Are you blind? Do you really not know what the big fucking red flag is here?"

"Let me help you," Poussey ran a hand over her head. "He's about 5'10, goofy ass smile, dresses like Forrest fuckin' Gump and if he could crawl up Blondie's ass, he would."

"Shit, really? We're gonna let that asshole stop us from getting her? Red will handle him."

Nicky shook her head. "I've seen this shit a million times, dude. He starts sticking his nose in her business and he's always around. Did you not see the way he trailed her around here like a little fuckin puppy?"

"He even looks like a little puppy, yo." Poussey barked wildly."Seriously," She sobered. " Nichols's right. That dude's gonna be trouble. You think after they're married he's gonna want her to tour? He's gonna knock her ass up and she's gonna have like five kids and get all fat and live in New Jersey or some shit."

"Guys, ok, ok, I admit the Larry situation could be a... challenge. But Chapman, she's the real deal. Like insane and I know you heard it too. I was dead set against finding a singer. You know I was. But the second she opened her mouth...we're not going to find anyone like her. And if we turn her away, we're idiots."

Nicky slow clapped. "That was beautiful."

"Shut up." She turned to them. "So...is she in?"

"I say yeah," Poussey piped up. "We want someone good, right? Girl is damn good and you know it, man," She said to Nicky.

"Fine," Nicky agreed begrudgingly, "but if that douche oversteps his boundaries..."

"I'll have Red call in her contacts," Alex joked. "Go get em."

Nicky got up and poked her head out the door. "You guys can cut the awkward small talk now." They re entered the dressing room and Alex turned to Piper.

"Sit down," Alex gestured to a chair. She sat next to her, forcing herself to meet Piper's eyes. Something in their depths unnerved her but she was a musician first and foremost and it was her job to find the best possible replacement, in spite of how she may have felt personally. And Piper would be an asset to them. That she was certain of.

"So we talked and if you're in...we'd like you to be our singer. Provided of course, you don't fuck up at the concert. What do you think?"

"I think that's fair. And I accept. I'm ready for whatever you guys have." Again her unflappable manner bewildered Alex and she silently vowed to find what exactly it was that shook Piper Chapman up. The woman was like a classic Hitchcock blonde; all cool, collected veneer. She wasn't sure if it was all an act but all she cared about was that the woman could fucking sing Lorna under the table.

"Great," She said formally, noting with great satisfaction that all through their encounter Red nor Larry dare interrupt. This was her show, her band, her job to ensure Piper knew what the deal was and who was really running things. "We have alot of material to get through so go back to your hotel, do what you have to do and Red will let you know where to come for rehearsal. Six sharp. And plan to stay late, you ok with that?" Alex's green eyes flashed, as if she were waiting for Piper to protest.

"Absolutely." She nodded and only then did Alex see a trace of excitement as her face lit up into a genuine smile. "And thanks. This means alot. All of you guys," She turned to Nicky, Poussey, and Red. "I can't wait to get started."

Something in Alex's stomach twisted a little at her grin but she ignored it. "You earned it," She said gruffly. "Go. Get some rest. See you at six."

As Piper and Larry left, Alex let out a breath she didn't know she'd been holding and she was glad her back was to the rest of the room. "Fuck," She muttered. "What did I get myself into?"

Stars belongs to Grace Potter and The Nocturnals. :)


	4. Chapter 4

"Stop, Stop," Alex shouted over the din of the music, turning to Piper, "You're coming in late, you need to pick up the tempo." She rubbed her eyes under her glasses. "Ok, let's go again."

"Speakin' of late," Poussey yawned from behind the drum set, "It's almost midnight, man, how much longer we gonna be at this?"

"Yeah," Nicky agreed collasping in a heap on the ground, taking her bass with her and nearly crushing it in the process. "And she's not behind, Vause. I think it's me...I'm so exhausted," she moaned dramatically. "How much longer do we have to keep working on the same damn song?"

"Until we get it right,"Alex replied firmly. "She's almost got the whole set down cold but this song sounds like shit. And to be honest, I don't give a fuck who's coming in late. The important thing is we have to fix it and we're going to, even if it takes us all night."

"Hey," Piper piped up, waving when they turned to look at her. "Hi. I'm right here and I'll gladly keep going. I want the song to be perfect, just as much as you guys."

"I don't care about perfect," Alex knew she should probably soften her tone but Piper didn't flinch, didn't blink, didn't move. She stood perfectly still, her hands on her hips, ready for whatever Alex wanted to dish out. "Perfection is unrealistic. I want a concert that's worth $150 a ticket. And being late is high school garage band shit. Am I right?"

She heard Poussey suck in a quick breath and Alex knew exactly what they were both thinking; that they were used to the manic, angry, shit she pulled at rehearsals but Piper wasn't and if she kept it up, she could scare her away. But what they didn't understand was if she couldn't handle Alex's criticism, there was no way she'd make it in the industry.

"Absolutely." Piper met her gaze calmly. "So let's go again."

Alex had to admit she had pegged the blonde all wrong. Despite being a fucking amazing singer, she'd been certain Piper would fall apart under pressure or tell her to go to hell. She knew she wasn't easy to take but she was impressed with the other woman's composure. She had to be as exhausted as the rest of them, they'd been at it for nearly six hours with only a quick ten minute break, plowing through the tour set list and she hadn't complained once. The girl was a quick study too, picking up the music even more quickly than Alex had originally anticipated and it helped she was already familiar with their songs. And while the rest of them looked like complete crap , Piper was remarkably put together, having changed into a plain black fitted t-shirt and old Levi's, her hair tucked into a neat knot at the nape of her neck.

Nicky groaned, "Fuck, Chapman, you're as bad as the gestapo here." She lifted her head up from the floor. "Isn't your...manager...fiancee, whatever, like concerned you're out so late? And downtown too..."

Red had secured them a rehearsal space on Cole street and while it was small and kind of cramped, it had been both available and cheap. It wasn't big and nowhere as grand as the dressing room at the Fox but it was sufficent for what they had to do, though after six hours, it was starting to feel a little claustrophobic.

"He knows I'm rehearsing and that I have to stay until we're finished." Piper said evenly. "He also knows how important this is to me."

"Is it?" Suddenly Nicky was wide awake as she pulled herself up to a sitting position. "Ya know, it just occured to me...we know nothing about you. Nothing...other than you sing."

"Nicky," Alex started warningly. It was one thing to be an asshole to ensure they all were on the same page, it was another thing to be an asshole just to be an asshole. It was something Nicky let herself slip into with more frequency since Lorna left and while Alex got it, she really did, it made her want to punch her friend in the face.

"No, it's fine, Alex." Piper looked at Nicky. "What do you want to know?"

Poussey shook her head. "This shit is stupid, Nichols. Chapman, I don't need to know nothin' about you because you can sing your ass off and that's all I fuckin' need to know." She twirled her drum stick on an open palm. "Now can we please just get the fuck on with this so I can go back to the hotel and go to sleep before I gotta get up and do this all over again tomorrow?"

"Thank you, finally. That's what I've been saying, Jesus " Alex sighed. "Do this shit right and then we get the fuck out of here." She turned to Piper, her hardned expression melting ever so slightly. "You ready?"

"Yeah," Her eyes held a steely determination and it was then that Alex was completely and totally certain that not much would deter her. "I'm ready."

It was nearly two in the morning when Alex was satisfied enough with how the song sounded to tell them they could leave. Poussey and Nicky tossed around the idea of going to a bar since as Nicky so eloquently put it, "Fuck it, it's not like I'm sleeping now anyway."

"We're going again at ten." Alex reminded them as she placed her guitar back in its case. Her fingers were blistered from playing and she wanted nothing more than to jump into a hot bath back at the hotel and soak them for an hour or two.

"C'mon, man, Poussey complained. "I thought you said 11. I need some sleep."

"You guys are talking about going to a fucking bar," Alex replied, arching her eyebrow. "If you want sleep, go sleep."

""You coming?" The bassist asked her, "You always said the best time to drink is right before sunrise."

"Uh, yeah, that sounds like something you say," The dark haired guitarist laughed. "No, I'm actually going to sleep. You know that thing that normal people get eight hours of?"

Nicky shrugged. "Ah, shit's overrated." She turned to Piper who hadn't said anything since they'd finished. "Bye, Blondie. One more day till you have to play with the big boys. Tell Larry not to keep you up too late," she winked, slugging her in the shoulder. "Later, Saint Alex,"

"I'll make sure she don't get too fucked up," Poussey told her friend lowly as they were walking out and Nicky was out of earshot.

"Thanks, man, I owe you one." Alex knew Poussey was just as exhausted as she was but she'd go where ever Nicky wanted to keep her out of trouble. She was as stubborn as a fucking mule and once she'd made her mind up about something, there was no talking her out of it. One of them had to play babysitter since Phoenix when Nicky'd had done blow, gotten into a fist fight outside a bar and nearly gotten arrested. Alex certainly didn't have it in her to flirt with any more cops so she was grateful that the drummer was willing taking one for the team."

Poussey shook her head. "Nah, man, it's no trouble."

"Yo, are you coming?" Nicky screeched from the doorway. "Beer is calling!"

"Ten!" Alex called after them as Poussey rolled her eyes and went to meet her friend. "And that's a.m., not p.m!" The door slammed loudly behind them and she sighed. "Never fucking mind."

Piper chuckled. "You need help carrying this stuff back to the car." She grabbed a mike stand, disassembling it.

"Uh, sure. Thanks," Alex accepted her offer, pleasantly surprised. Piper Chapman was definitely not who her image projected and she felt guilty for making a snap judgement, especially since assholes haf been doing the same exact thing to her for as long as she could remember. It made her no better than them.

They carried out the instruments and stands, two at a time and shoved them in the rental. Alex locked the door to the studio. "I mean, we could have just left them here, since we're coming back but I don't trust anybody. I've gotten my guitar stolen before."

"Oh shit, really?" The blonde replied sympathetically. "That sucks. I'd be so bummed."

"Yeah...it blew, especially since I'd saved $500 to buy it. I busted my ass too, working at McDonalds, babysitting, whatever paid...it was my own fucking fault though. Left it in the back seat of my car at a gig in Boston. Dude took a baseball bat and smashed a hole in the back window, reached right in and..." She shrugged. "Whatever, it is what it is. I was only seventeen." She smiled ruefully." It was worth more than the car itself."

"You've been playing a long time then?" Piper instantly blushed. "Not that I'm saying you're old. You're not old, clearly," She over corrected, putting a hand to her forehead. "Oh shit, I'm making this so much worse, aren't I?"

Alex laughed, shoving the key in her pocket. "No, it's fine. Yeah, I guess I have been."

Piper's eyes sparkled in the street light and it was there, in downtown Missouri, on the stoop of 1051 Cole street, that the urge to reach out and tuck an errant strand of blonde hair that had come loose from the knot at her neck, was so strong that Alex had to literally put her hands behind her back.

"C'mon, I'll give you a ride back to your hotel," The brunette forced herself to stop staring, to stop being a creep, to stop thinking how comfortable it felt talking to her in the early morning moonlight, or how insanely beautiful she looked; no make up, Levi's and Converses, the light scent of her lotion drifting into Alex's nostrils.

Piper started to protest and Alex shook her head. "You haven't even sung at our show yet...can't have you getting murdered."

She smiled, conceding. "Good point," She got into the passenger seat of the Honda Civic. "Nice car," she commented.

Alex shrugged, buckling her seatbelt. "Red booked it. Not my first choice but it's in our contract with her I can't ride my bike while I'm tour. On my own time though..."

"Like a bike bike or-"

"Motorcycle," She grinned and started the car. "She's a beauty too. Keep her at my mom's house while I'm on the road. God, I miss that girl." Alex was not one who tended to worry about sounding stupid around woman, or anybody for that matter, but Piper was so put together that for a nanosecond, Alex thought the singer would think she sounded pathetic.

Piper smiled."I wish I did something dangerous like that. Like a good dangerous. I'm such a chicken."

"Oh but you're a performer. And you're about to sing in front of thousands of people. That's pretty dangerous in my book."

"Touche," She replied. They rode in comfortable silence for a bit until they stopped at a light about five minutes from the Holiday Inn Piper had given her directions to. She had cast several side long glances at her passenger who leaned her head on one shoulder, eyes closed.

"You asleep?" Alex asked quietly and Piper jerked up her head in response. "Sorry, didn't mean to scare you."

"No, no, I wasn't asleep," Piper straighted up and peered out the darkened window. "Are we here?"

"No, not yet," Alex cleared her throat. "Listen, Piper, I just wanted to let you know not to pay Nicky any mind. She and our old singer had a thing for awhile and it got really messy, she left and Nick really hasn't been the same. She doesn't mean to be a bitch but...she's still...recovering, I guess."

"No need for apologies. I get it. I've been there. Another story for another day," She laughed in response to Alex's quizzical expression. "Anyway, I appreciate it but it's all good. I've dealt with much worse than your friend. Again, another long story," She laughed. "Seriously, Alex...I just want to thank you again. This sounds like a really bad cliche, but this is my big break, like I was starting to doubt it would ever really happen for me. I'm thirty two, you know? Not exactly alot of time left for me to...anyway, thank you."

Her sentiment was so sincere Alex's ususal cynicism faded and for the first time in a long time with a girl, she couldn't find the right words.

"Uh, you're welcome."

They finally reached The Holiday Inn and Alex pulled into the parking lot. "Nice hotel," she teased, mimicking Piper sentiments earlier, laughing when Piper hit her arm.

"Sorry, some of us can't afford a five star hotel yet,"She joked. "I'll see you at ten," she got out of the car.

"Yeah, see you then. Get some rest, OK?" Alex told her. "Long day ahead."

"I will," she promised. "See you."

Alex watched her swipe her key card into the side entrace and she turned back and waved when she'd successfully opened it. "Thanks for the ride," She called and retreated into the hotel.

"Christ," Alex groaned when she was finally alone. She leaned back in her seat, squeezing her eyes shut. A huge fucking headache was developing and it wasn't just because it was two thirty in the morning and her hands fucking burned like hell and her feet hurt, even her fucking hips hurt from playing so hard she'd slammed the guitar into them more than once.

No, she realized, as she rubbed her temples wearily, the trouble she was about to get herself in had to be avoided or they were all royally fucked.

"Get it together, Vause," she murmured. "Grow the fuck up and get it together. She's so off limits, it isn't funny."

Driving away from Piper's hotel, Alex repeated it over and over like a mantra.

Now all she had to do was convince herself she believed it.


	5. Chapter 5

"Hell no, I ain't nervous," Poussey shoveled a fork full of scrambled eggs into her mouth. "Nichols, you nervous?"

She groaned. "I'm too fuckin' hung over to be nervous." She nudged her seat mate. "And I'd greatly appreciate if you saved the lecture, Vause, OK?"

"Coffee," Alex pushed a cup toward her gently. "And I'm not saying a word, dude. I think this is punishment enough, don't you?"

"You don't have to yell, man, Jesus," Nicky slid her sunglasses down over her eyes. "Motherfucker...I'm never drinking again. Like this is it. For good."

Poussey threw a piece of toast across the table that bounced off her shoulder. "That's what you said the last time."

The curly haired woman ignored her. "I mean it. Seriously, never fucking again."

"Worrying is counter productive." Alex took a sip from her own cup, making a face. "Goddammit, Red was right. No one in Missouri can make coffee that doesn't taste like swamp water." She sighed. "I fucking miss New York."

"Girlfriend sounded good yesterday," Poussey commented. "I think she's ready."

"Hmmm," Nicky muttered disparagingly. "You just wait till she gets in front of all those people. Then it'll be a different fuckin' story, I guarantee. "

"Why do you have to be such a raging bitch all the time?" Alex slammed her fist down on the tabletop with such force that the silverware jumped and the couple seated across from them turned to look.

Nicky regarded her calmly. "Do you have a problem?"

"C'mon now," Poussey placed a hand on Alex's forearm. "It ain't worth it."

"No, Poussey, I've had enough of her shit lately." She turned to Nicky, lowering her voice. "Lorna left you and you're really fucking messed up, I get it and I've tried to be supportive and you can't say I haven't. I've listened to you talk about her until four in the morning, I drank with you, straight vodka, even though I hate it...hell, I even held you when you cried." She nodded to Poussey who looked at her, surprised. "It's the truth. I didn't mind helping you, Nick. We've been friends since we were barely adults but Jesus fucking Christ, her leaving? It doesn't give you the right to be such an asshole."

For a moment, no one reacted. Nicky turned to Poussey, taking off her sunglasses. "You feel that way too?" Her tone was matter of fact but her eyes betrayed that she was upset and it sent a momentary pang of guilt through Alex.

"Uh...I mean, yeah, dude. You haven't been exactly the easiest to deal with lately. I'm not sayin' it's not justified cuz what she did, that was cold but c'mon...you can't keep treatin' everyone like shit who's tryin' to help."

 _Well, shit, look who's finally speaking her mind,_ Alex thought, cocking her eyebrow toward Poussey. It had been a long time coming and she was relieved. She only wished Nicky wasn't looking at them both like a dog who'd just been kicked. She loved the girl, she truly did, but her behavior was becoming embarrassing, especially the more well known they became.

"Well...fuck me then. So sorry I've been such a prick to you guys. Do you want me to leave, is that it?" She narrowed her eyes, "Has Red been talking shit?"

Alex shook her head. "Nobody wants you to go anywhere, Nick. We all just want things to be how they were...before."

Nicky laughed. "Yeah right. Before what? Before I fell for a straight chick? Before Red started pitting us up? Before Chapman came in two days ago with her perfect voice and her perfect ass and turned you into some weird pod person version of yourself?"

Alex instantly reddned. "What the hell are you even talking about?"

"Please," She snorted, "You wanna fuck her so bad it's not even funny."

"Right. And you've come to this conclusion how?"

"Uh, cuz I have eyes. And-"Nicky was cut off by a sharp jab in the ribs from Poussey. "What the fuck, dude?"

"Chapman and Goofy just walked in." The drummer whispered loudly. "You best shut up, they're comin' over here."

"Shit," Alex growled lowly. It wasn't bad enough that Nicky had to make blanket assumptions, now Piper and Larry had to walk in directly afterwards. _My face probably still looks like a fucking strawberry,_ she thought, self consciously touching her cheeks.

"Hey guys," Piper greeted easily, smiling at them. She was dressed like a J Crew model again, Alex noted, with a crisp white button down, a pink cardigan, blue jeans and pearl earrings. It was not lost on Alex that whenever she was around Larry, Piper looked as though she were going to have brunch at a country club, whereas for practice, she'd change into worn jeans and a t-shirt. Larry was the male version of her look, with a white polo and khakis, albeit more rumpled. He stood behind her and held up his hand.

"Nice to see you again, ladies."

"Oh, you too," Nicky replied grandly. "Won't you join us?"

Alex inwardly groaned. She knew exactly what her friend was doing and she wanted nothing more than to slap the smug ass smile right off her face.

"Thanks, but we're going to grab a booth," Piper explained, turning her eyes toward Alex. "Thanks for the one on one work yesterday. I think it sounded good, right?"

If there was one thing to give Nicky and Poussey more to rib her about, it was Piper mentioning the fact they had "one on one" time. As innocent as it was, her bandmates would not easily let her hear the end of it.

"No problem," Alex brushed her off, "Uh, ready for tonight?"

"Hope so." Piper looked down at the floor and the small gesture of nervousness made Alex's mouth twitch. It was kind of endearing, she had to admit.

"Oh come on, Pipe, you're amazing and you know it," Larry piped up, putting a hand on her shoulder. "She was practicing in the shower this morning and she sounded great."

Piper laughed. "That's the shower, Larry, everyone sounds great in there."

"Vause doesn't," Nicky interjected. "She can't sing her way out of a paper bag."

"Well she's an insane guitarist, so that more than makes up for it." Piper smiled at her and Alex couldn't help but smile back.

"Adorable," Nicky leaned on her elbows and looked from Piper to Alex and back again. "So when's the wedding?"

Larry looked confused. "Uh, we're thinking sometime next year...we haven't exactly set a date yet."

"Yo, you better go grab a table," Poussey said loudly and Alex shot her a grateful look. "Place is fillin' up."

Piper glanced around the diner. "Seems pretty empty to me."

"Yeah well, it'll get real busy soon, trust me," Poussey assured her. "And you wanna bulk up, right? Get some energy for tonight."

"Definitely,"The blonde agreed. "Hey, what's good here? You guys've been here alot..."

"Nothing," Nicky replied at the same time Poussey said, "The toast."

"Mmmm, toast sounds good. Do you know if they have multi grain? And maybe some Greek yogurt and organic fruit."

Poussey laughed. "Girl, you wishin' for the stars. This place don't even know how to make a good cup of coffee."

"Guess we'll just take our chances then," Larry said amicably, slinging an arm around Piper's shoulders. "We're going to get some R and R before the concert. Try to get our girl here to chill, you know."

"I'll be there at five." Piper offered, "I like to get to gigs early to warm up."

"I'll be there," Alex replied, finally finding her voice. "I can't speak for these slackers."

"OK,see you all later then," The blonde waved, letting Larry guide her to the other side of the restaurant.

"What a fucking douche," Nicky said emphatically once they were out of earshot. "What the fuck does she see in him?"

"Maybe he got a big-"

"Ew,that's enough, man. Gross." Alex shuddered. "And you," She looked at Nicky, eyes flashing, "What the hell is your problem? Is this because I was straight with you about you being a giant asshole? Because if it is, seriously, grow up."

"Hey man," The bassist shrugged, "I just call it like I see it."

"Yeah, what's with the "one on one time?", Poussey questioned, reaching across the booth to steal a cast off fry from Alex's plate.

Again she felt herself turning red and again she cursed herself for it. Alex Vause didn't blush and she especially didn't blush over a girl. "It was nothing. After you guys left, she asked if we could practice a few songs so we did. No big deal." She deliberately omitted the fact they'd sat so closely together, their arms had brushed and Alex had felt it again, that electric current that had coursed through her body when they'd shook hands three days prior.

"Hmmm..." Nicky raised her eyebrows. "Whatever. We got a show tonight, so let's get the fuck outta here." She threw a 50 dollar bill on the table. "It's on me ladies. See? I'm not an asshole all the time."

"Thanks Nick!" Poussey grinned, sliding out of the booth. "I'm gonna go back to the hotel and go for a swim. You guys wanna come?"

"Hell no," Her friend shook her head. "I'm gonna go back to sleep, eat some unhealthy shit and then go back to sleep again till it's five."

Alex looked at her disdainfully. "Really?"

"You have your pre show ritual, I have mine."

They said their goodbyes and parted ways and Alex stood outside the diner,unsure of what to do. Suddenly, since she was dressed for it, she decided to go on a run. She wasn't a runner, not really, but she enjoyed the adrenaline rush it gave her and since she couldn't ride her bike on tour, it was better than nothing.

She ran further and further downtown, past stores and restaurants, past people going to work, past the steady stream of cars in the street, past the park where people walked their dogs in the mid morning sunlight.

The whole thing was annoying. Not thinking a straight girl was hot, that didn't bother Alex a bit as she'd slept with more than a few in her time. It wasn't even that she was engaged (which was a no no) or that she was in the band (well, unofficially, still an even bigger no no). It was more the fact she was crushing on the girl like she was a fucking fourth grader all over again. She might as well hand Piper a note that said, "Do you like me? Circle Yes or No." Alex had never been the heart beating fast, steady palms type woman. She had always prided herself on remaining cool with girls and if she saw something she liked, well, she usually got it.

Piper was different. There was something about her Alex couldn't quite put her finger on. Panting, she finally stopped running and collasped into a little patch of grass, her breath coming in jerky spurts and she put her head between her knees to steady the pounding in her ears.

Whatever it was, Alex knew right then and there she couldn't act on her impulses. There was no way they could lose such an amazing singer. And even though she didn't know her well enough yet, Alex genuinely liked her, once she got passed the slightly uptight veneer. She wasn't afraid of hard work and she strived for excellence, just like Alex.

The problem was, she realized, her head nestled in the quiet of her arms, she could listen to logic about staying away from Piper Chapman all day long. But her heart, well that was another matter entirely.


	6. Chapter 6

Even as a kid, Alex loved being alone. It wasn't the same as being lonely which she'd been at times in her childhood with Diane working late and not many friends. But she craved time by herself to write music or poetry or listen to The Clash on her little Discman Diane had bought her for Christmas the year she'd turned twelve. Now she had Nicky and Poussey and the weird little dysfunctional family they'd formed (fractured as though they might be) and a group of people she casually socialized with at home in New York and she wasn't quite the loner she was when she was younger but Alex still needed time away from everyone and everything to gather her own thoughts, to breathe. Before a show, it was especially important in order to focus, after a show, when she'd given everything she had playing, working the crowd, she needed it to wind down and get back into her own headspace.

The others couldn't understand her penchant for privacy. Nick, specifically liked to surround herself with people a good majority of the time and it wasn't unusual for Alex, upon coming to her door in the morning to catch a glimpse of a random girl she'd brought home the night before. They all picked up girls on road on occasion but Nicky's fear of being alone seemed to intensify when Lorna left. "Whatever works, man," Poussey shrugged when she and Alex had discussed it one day. "Better sex than a coke binge, right?"

The guitarist's pre show ritual was pretty simple. She liked to do something physical like go for a run or a hike (depending on what city they were in), then jump in the shower, take a nap and eat a quick meal with protein to sustain her and head to the venue to warm up. Poussey and Nicky teased her relentlessly because she never varied from what she did from one city to the next but she usually gave them the finger because it worked for her.

It was four thirty when she got to The Fox, guitar in tow and with her concert attire. She checked in with Denny, one of the doormen, waved hello to the stagehands who were setting up and headed into the dressing room. She was there before anyone else, which wasn't surprising. Red would be around closer to six and the girls would probably come ambling in for sound check shortly after that.

For now, Alex was glad to be alone to fuck around with some chords and just relax. When Piper got there at five, they'd go over some stuff, she reasoned. Poussey hadn't been remotely facetious when she said the blonde had sounded good the day before. Stupid, school girl crush aside, she sounded fucking amazing singing their songs, better than Lorna had ever sounded (not that she'd ever say as much to Nicky). Alex had no doubt she was ready to perform and from what Red had alluded earlier, they were nearly sold out, not an easy feat for a band with one album under their belt.

The brunette kicked off her boots after hanging her outfit on the costume rack. She'd just taken her guitar out of it's well worn case and settled on the plush velvet sofa she'd come to love when a sound made her take pause.

A sniffle. She stilled and craned her neck, trying to determine where in the room the sound was coming from. There it was again. Ever so slight but it was there.

"What the fuck?" Alex muttered to herself, getting up. "Better not be a mouse." Big, bad tattooed, motor cycle riding, beer drinking Alex was afraid of nothing but she sure as fuck didn't do rodents.

Brandishing her guitar in front of her body like a sword, she walked cautiously to where she thought she heard the sniffling, in the corner of the make up mirrors.

"Piper?" Alex was thrown for a complete loop. Of all the things she'd expected to find, Piper Chapman curled up in a little ball in the corner crying quietly was the very last. "What are you doing here?"

As soon as the question left her lips, Alex wanted to slap herself. Sometimes she was only second to Nicky in the tact department. "Sorry...it's...I don't...why are you crying? I mean, what's wrong? God, I really suck at this."

Piper smiled slightly and wiped her eyes. "No, I'm the one who's sorry. Blubbering in the corner like some baby. You must think I'm insane."

Something about the way her mouth drooped at the corners made Alex's chest tighten and not knowing what else to do, she plopped down next to her.

"Hey, hey, it's OK. It's OK." She said gently, placing a hand on her shoulder. It was so odd, she realized, how she didn't have the urge to run or leave Piper to her own devices. Alex Vause did not do well with crying women (especially if they were crying over her) and the second the waterworks started, she backed off immediately. It may have made her a cold bitch she supposed but any outward display of extreme emotion set her on edge. The exception to the rule was Nicky, who'd all but had a complete breakdown in her arms shortly after Lorna was out of the picture but even that encounter (though she'd do just about anything for the girl) had left her anxious.

Piper suddenly looked alot less put together. She looked small and vulnerable and instead of running, Alex stayed. She stayed and kept her hand on the shoulder of a woman who she barely knew for no other reason than the sudden protectiveness that had welled up inside her which had seemed to come from absolutely no where.

"Sorry," The other woman apologized again. "I know, I'm pathetic, right?"

Alex shook her head. "You're not pathetic."

"I so am," She sighed. "I thought if I came here really early, by myself, if I could hang out in the space a little, I wouldn't be so..." Piper looked down. "I wasn't honest with you. I don't think I can do this."

Her jaw almost dropped to the foor. "What do you mean?"

"I mean I've only ever played bars before," She admitted softly, biting on her bottom lip. "Like with 30 people, max. And I had a massive fucking panic attack before everyone of those gigs too." She brought her gaze to meet Alex's and instead of the confidence that'd been evident in her blue eyes eyes before, now, all Alex could see within their depths was fear. "And Larry's not my manager. I thought it would sound better and he convinced me Red wouldn't even see me if she knew I wasn't a real singer. I mean, like a professional one."

"But your demo-"

"I recorded it in a friend's studio," She replied, bringing her knees up to her chest and resting her chin on them. "I wasn't shopping it around anywhere. I heard from a guy at one my gigs who knew Red personally and that she was looking for a new lead singer and he told me I needed a demo so Larry said I should go for it. Never mind I never sang in a venue like this one, ever. " Piper's gaze remained steady on hers. "Now you know. I'm nothing but a liar. A fraud. Do you hate me?"

Lying was something Alex had zero tolerance for and she'd definitely banished people from her life for less. Rationally, she knew how fucking shitty and deceitful Piper (and fucking Larry, ugh) had been and that she should be telling her to get the hell out and just sing all their songs herself . Rationally, she knew this was what should have happened and she could only imagine what Nicky would've said (she could think of a few choice things, actually) .

But there was nothing rational about the way Piper made her feel. Or how secretly pleased she was that she wasn't as perfect as she seemed or why the hell her hand was still resting on her shoulder, the flesh beneath her fingers so soft and delicate through the thin material of her shirt, she wanted to touch more of her.

"Shit, Piper..."

"I know."

"I don't hate you. I mean, I get it . I actually think it took balls. It was a dumbass thing to do but...God, some of the fucking stupid shit I did when I was starting out too..." She winced. "Yeah, you shouldn't have lied, obviously, because it definitely could've all blown up in your face but you're forgetting one thing ..." Alex nudged closer to her, closing the small gap between them. "You're an amazing singer. And I'm not just saying that. Ask Nicky, I'm pretty fucking stingy with praise...I haven't heard someone as good as you in a long time. And you're definitely not a fraud."

Piper didn't look as certain. "You don't think so?"

"Fuck no," Alex replied empathically. "You are the real deal, kid. And there's no reason to be scared. You just have to go out there and sing like you did at rehearsal. Don't pay any attention to any of the other shit, OK? I'll deal with it. All you have to do is sing. Deal?"

Her eyes searched Alex's face frantically. "How do you know I won't freeze? I peeked outside the curtain and I almost threw up, Alex. There's a lot of seats out there."

"Because I know you won't, " The brunette told her firmly, rising . She offered her hand and Piper took it, allowing herself to be pulled to her feet . "You will be just fine. Believe me, aright?" She squeezed her hands in hers. "If you get overwhelmed, just shoot me a look, OK? I'll take care of it."

"Alex," She started, shaking her head. "You're being so great about this and I feel like such an asshole..."

"Oh, don't get me wrong, I still think you're an asshole but I believe in you. Honestly, I don't give a fuck where you played before or for how many people and I'm actually really fucking relieved Larry's not your manager. I care about the fact you're our singer and we need you."

"I don't want to let you down."

"Then get your ass on stage," she said simply, "and let's warm up."

Piper flung her arms around Alex's neck. "You're an amazing person, do you know that?"

Alex felt herself hugging her back. "Don't let it get around, might ruin my bad ass reputation."

Piper laughed. "I promise. I'll meet you out there?"

"One minute, OK? I'm just gonna pee. Oh and Piper? You don't have to worry about me saying anything about what you told me. To anyone."

"Thanks," She said gratefully. "That means a lot." Grabbing her water bottle, she turned toward the door. "See you in a few minutes."

Alex watched her go, her mind swimming and her heart racing. Good God, she didn't need the distraction tonight, between Piper's revelation and more pressing, the way she'd had felt in her arms.

She fit.

"Snap out of it," She chastised herself loud. There was no way she would be able to think about much more tonight. As much as she was reeling from it all and the night hadn't even begun.

They had a show to do.


	7. Chapter 7

Alex didn't have much time to dwell on anything. By the time she and Piper had gone over a few things and warmed up, everyone else began to gradually arrive. Red showed up with Larry in tow, chot chatting like they'd known each other for years and Alex had to turn her head so no one could see how much she was rolling her eyes. Really, she couldn't pin point which one of them annoyed her more. Poussey had come shortly after that, sans Nicky, who'd apparently told Poussey she'd had to grab something and would meet up with them later.

She had waltzed in a half an hour before sound check and Alex only had to shoot her a look for her to know she was fucking pissed. She left the lecture to Red who swore in Russian a few times and took the bassist outside the alley of the theatre. When they joined everyone onstage, Nicky looked thoroughly chastised and dutifully got through sound and lighting check without too many snarky comments.

"Red really let her have it, huh?" Piper remarked quietly to Alex as they walled back to the dressing room.

Alex smiled. "Red's bark is worse than her bite. She and Nick actually go back a long time. Red and her husband owned a restaurant in Queens that Nicky used to go to all the time. Turns out she has all these connections in the music industry. Her husband died kind of suddenly so she gave the business to her sons and came on board with us. The rest is history, I guess. I seriously think about firing her every single day but she's fucking good. She knows how to talk, ya know?"

"I've seen it firsthand," Piper agreed, laughing. "She was pretty persuasive when she called me for an audition."

"Good thing too." The brunette felt the goofy smile forming on her lips before she could really stop it. Thankfully, Poussey caught up to them in the hall and chose that moment to swoop in between them, slinging her arms across both of their shoulders.

"Ya'll ready to kick ass tonight?" Her grin was infectious and Alex couldn't help but grin back at her enthusiasm. In the wake of Lorna's departure, morale had been at an all time low and it felt damn good to have a reason to be excited again.

"Ready as I'll ever be, I guess." Piper said and to Alex's relief, she seemed to be less nervous and more in control. If she had to guess, Alex would have said that her secret had weighed heavily upon her and now that someone else knew, it made things alot less scary.

"You can sing, man." The drummer offered, tapping her shoulder. "Like your fuckin' life depends on it. Just go out there and fuckin' take names, aight?"

"I'll do my best," Piper replied seriously. "Thanks. For everything," She told the other woman, pulling her into a hug. "You've been so nice and I really do appreciate it."

Poussey ducked her head. "Ah, it ain't no thing. I'm just glad we found someone good, you know?"

"Hey, I hate to be the one to break up this little love fest," Nicky suddenly appeared, blocking the trio's path, "but we gotta get dressed. It's that time."

Becoming Alex Vause, rock goddess, was admittedly one of the best parts of doing a concert. Getting to shed some of her standoffish personality and pour it into a Bettie Page type sexy persona was freeing. She knew that although her bandmates didn't say as much, they felt the same way.

It also meant they got to kick a reluctant Larry out of the dressing room. Red took him to the box office to check on the latest ticket sales. His leaving was not without exchanging unnecessary (at least in Alex's eyes) kisses and hugs with Piper and the promise he'd be "right back." Nicky and Alex. shared eye rolls galore over he and Piper's heads while they kissed and Poussey simply pulled a disgusted face.

Finally they left and Solitary Confinement got ready to transform. Nicky sat at the make up mirror, straighting her trademark unruly curls with a flat iron while Poussey applied gold glitter eye shadow to her big brown eyes. Alex carefully put on thick, black eyeliner, winging the tips with precision. Next to her sat Piper, a make up brush in her hand, hovering in the air as she stared at her reflection in the mirror.

"You okay?" Alex leaned in. "You getting nervous again?"

Piper shook her head. "No, no. It's not that. Uh, this is gonna sound kinda stupid...I uh, I don't know where to start. I mean, my make up is usually really simple, even for gigs and you guys look so fierce and I..."

"Just do your normal make up, just a little darker so you won't get washed out with the lights." Alex advised. "And Red found you something to wear, right?"

She nodded. "Uh, yeah."

"Good. It fits OK?"

The other woman reddened slightly, her cheeks tinged with pink. "Yeah."

Alex raised her eyebrow but left it at that for the time being. She was, however, intrigued as hell as to what the blonde meant.

They finished up quietly and everyone got dressed. Nicky, in her leather pants and lace top, Poussey in her customary plaid shirt, ripped fitted jeans and red Converse boots, and Alex with her black dress, fishnets and boots, hair done in Bettie's trademark waves and sporting her ususal red lipstick.

Piper had gotten dressed silently in a small corner of the room, apart from the chaos that was the tossing around various clothing pieces and random cursing.

"Do you mind zipping me up?" She asked Alex softly, stepping out from the shadows.

"Um, yeah. Sure." She obliged, doing so wordlessly.

Alex knew she was staring and she should probably look away but she couldn't. Piper wore a very fitted green and black patterned dress, so flush against her body it clung to every slim curve. It showed just the barest hint of cleavage and with it she wore thigh highs and black knee boots. She'd taken Alex's advice and applied her make up a few shades darker, the smoky eyes she'd given herself making her blue eyes appear even bluer.

"Damn girl," Poussey noticed as Piper stepped forward.

"Is...do I look OK?" The singer asked, looking down self consciously. "Red said I would stand out in this but honestly, I don't know if I wanna stand out."

"Yeah you do. You're the singer." Nicky, who had been quiet, piped up. "You look good, Chapman." She turned to Alex, a mischievous glint in her eye. "Vause, doesn't Chapman look good?"

"What?" Alex blinked rapidly as she realized what her friend said, her face flushing. "Yeah, you look great," She replied lightly. "You are such an ass," She mouthed to Nicky when Piper turned toward the mirror to assess herself.

"Well, if you guys think it's alright, I guess-" Piper started.

A loud rap on the door interrupted her. "Everybody decent?" Larry poked his head in. Red pished past him into the room, all politeness be damned.

"You ladies all look marvelous. I was right about that dress on you," She said to Piper, pointing. "You're a knockout, honey."

"Stunning, Pipe," Larry agreed, kissing her cheek. He held his hands behind his back. "I didn't know if I should wait until after the show but I figured you might need a confidence boost. " He handed her the most obnoxious bouquet of red roses Alex had ever seen and she considered snidely asking if he was taking her to prom.

"God, Larry, they're beautiful. Thank you." She kissed him, setting down the bouquet on her make up area. "Definitely the confidence boost I needed."

"Welcome. I'll be right in the front with Red, ok? If you feel anxious or anything, you can find me."

Piper smiled. "Thanks, but Alex has me covered in that department. Right?"

For a second Alex thought she'd lost the ability to speak. Or to form a coherent thought for that matter. "Uh, yeah. Yeah," She said more confidently. "No worries, I got her."

"Thanks for taking care of my girl," Larry grinned, taking her hand. "Piper's told me how much time you've spent making sure she's feeling good about going out there and well, I just want you to know how much I appreciate it."

"It's no big deal. She's amazing. I don't have to tell you that, though." If there was a rock for Alex to crawl under and die, she would have found it and done precisely that.

Mercifully, Red interrupted. "Half an hour to places, ladies."

"One last thing," Nicky grabbed her bag off the shelf and rifled through it. "Here we go. Reason I was late." She procured a bottle of Cristal and a wine cork.

"You mean besides oversleepin'?" Poussey shook her head.

Nicky threw her the bird."Make yourself useful, woman." She handed the drummer a short stack of red solo cups. "And Larry, if you'll do the honors and open her up..."

After the champagne had been opened (rather clumsily by Larry) and poured, Nicky raised her glass, looking directly at Piper. "A toast to our newest band member. I had my doubts about you, kid, I did, but you didn't have it easy, learning all this shit in two days and I have to admit, you really stepped up. Let's face it, without you, there'd be no tour right now or else we'd all have to endure Vause singing..."

"Fuck you, dude,"Alex called out but she was smiling.

"So yeah...I think you're gonna be great. Let's go show this hick state how it's fuckin' done. To Chapman." This was Nicky's way of extending an olive branch, Alex recognized and she smiled gratefully at her friend.

"To Chapman," They repeated and Piper's grin said it all.

Alex loved everything about performing. She loved the adrenaline rush it gave her, the second she got out there, the second she dove into their first song, guitar blazing, the lights hitting her, the audience already primed and cheering. She loved meeting the eyes of her bandmates as they played, as if they were all in on some big secret no one else in the world knew about. She literally loved every fucking thing about it. All of it.

Tonight was different. Right before they went on, she felt herself on edge, guarded. Knowing it wasn't condusive to good playing, she tried to shake it. But she was worried about Piper. It wasn't for her own sake or saving face ; she could easily cover if she had to. It was more about how upset the singer would be if she froze. Piper was harder on herself than anyone else could ever be, a feeling Alex was all too familar with herself.

As it turned out, Alex's concern held no merit. The moment Piper stepped out on the stage, the second the lights came up and before she had even opened her mouth, her eyes sought out Alex's. And when she got the reassurance she'd been looking for, there was no doubt she was going to make that crowd love her.

Every so often, she'd turn to Alex, blue eyes connecting with green, her face radiating pure joy and Alex would lean into her guitar, pouring every ounce of her soul into her playing. For a few brief blissful moments, it felt as though they were the only two people on that stage.

And Alex thought dizzily, _This is what it must feel like to fly._


	8. Chapter 8

"Fuck yeah, bitches!" Poussey announced joyfully, flopping backwards on Alex's bed. "We fuckin' slayed that shit."

"Hell yeah we did," Nicky agreed, shimmying out of her leather pants and into a pair of jeans. "Did you hear how loud those people were yelling?"

"And the stage door...I can't believe you didn't pick any of them girls up," The drummer nudged Nicky who'd collapsed next to her with her foot. "Anyone of them would've come back with you."

Nicky shrugged nonchalantly. "You're damn right they would've, but this is our night. Tradition, remember?"

Back when they'd first started the tour, Alex declared the first night in every city after a concert be just about them. They could go out or stay in and drink but no one could skip out or bring any girls around that first night. The others had initially grumbled about it but they'd abided by Alex's rules and it had become a neat little ritual.

"Yo, fearless leader," Poussey stretched herself up, craning her neck toward the bathroom door. "In or out?"

As she scrubbed her face clean with the standard white hotel wash cloth, Alex didn't answer right saway. It had been an amazing fucking show, to be sure. She was pretty sure they hadn't sounded that good, that cohesive in a very long time and the audience fed off their insane energy. And Piper...well, she was a star. Which was a relevation to her, maybe, but not to Alex. She had known it the instant the girl opened her mouth at the audition. She just hoped the blonde didn't realize she was too good for them too soon and peace the fuck out early.

"Vause? You alive in there?"

The reflection staring back at her in the mirror was not Bettie Page any longer. It was plain old Alex again. But she looked happy. Spent and a little disheveled, perhaps, but happy as hell. The magic on the stage made her feel a lightness she had been resigned to never feeling again. She wouldn't mention it to anyone, for fear of sounding like a complete pussy, but there it was. She'd call her mom tomorrow morning before they got on the bus again and Diane would sense the levity in her voice without her having to even mention it.

Alex finally emerged from the bathroom, having changed into a black tank top and black jeans. "I say let's go out. We should celebrate."

Nicky raised her eyebrows. "Shit, dude, you must be in a good mood." No "The bus is leaving at 8 a.m sharp and you bitches better be on it, hangovers and all. I'm gonna go to bed and watch Gilmore Girls on Netflix till I pass out?", The bassist imitated her husky tone.

"OK, first of all, I don't fuckin' sound like that. And secondly, I watched that show one time. The mom is hot, Jesus. That's it." She looked to Poussey who'd collapsed back on the bed, laughing. "Back me up here, man."

"Nah, man," The drummer was still laughing. "You on your own."

Alex picked up a pillow and bopped her with it. "OK, yeah, I'll admit it, I've been a little uptight lately. "

"A little?" Nicky scoffed, "You have permanent fuckin frown lines."

Alex touched her face. "I do not. Do I?"

"What you need is to get laid, son!" Poussey grabbed her hand and pulled her back onto the bed with them. "Let's go out and get you a girl."

"You should talk," The brunette looked at her pointedly. "When was the last time you picked anyone up?"

"Hey now, we're talkin about you." She replied defensively.

"If you're counting all the eye fucking she and Chapman did on stage tonight, then I'd say no, she's all set," The bassist laughed.

"You guys think you're so fucking funny, don't you? There was no eye fu-, you know what, forget it. I'm obviously friends with fucking fourteen year olds so I'm just gonna go drink by myself." She pulled herself into a sitting position and grabbed her wallet from the night stand.

"Ah, c'mon, Vause," Nicky jumped up, "Don't be like that."

"Yeah," Poussey agreed, sitting up. "We was just playin'."

"Look, I'll just shut the fuck up about it, OK? Chapman's smokin' hot, you wanna do her, we get it, cased closed. Want my advice?" She leaned in.

Alex sighed. "Not really."

"Just sleep with her already. One time, no guilt, no consequences. It's not like we all haven't fucked straight chicks before. Hell, I was in love with one." Her face fell a little and she shook her head as if to clear Lorna's memory from it. "I've seen your game, dude. It's pretty solid. You can get her in your bed easy. I'd bet money on it."

"How much," Poussey perked up. "Cuz you still owe me from last time."

"Hey, hey, there will be no betting. And I'm not gonna talk about this right now. Or anytime in the near future. Let's get the fuck out of here!" Alex said, flinging her hands in the air. "You guys wanna try Eclipse?" She named a hotel bar Denny the doorman had recommended, knowing fully well it was not her kind of place but wanting to go any way, to get out of her comfort zone.

"Sounds good," The drummer replied. "Yo, you gonna text Chapman? She should be comin' too. If you guys think she's in."

"Did she pass your little trial run?" Ni k questioned, re applying lipstick. "Cuz I'd say she did a-fuckin' okay tonight, wouldn't you?"

"If you two assholes don't scare her away...yeah, of course she's in. That girl killed it tonight."

"Do you think Larry is gonna stay on the rest of the tour? Being her manager and all." The bassist pulled a face. "I fuckin' hope not."

"Red's gonna have to sign her if she decides to go on with us and he has to sign a release saying he won't be able to make any money off of her," Alex lied. She hated being deceitful to her bandmates but they certainly couldn't lose Piper who arguably made them sound better than they'd ever sounded.

"Well, we'll deal with that shit tomorrow. Red probably took care of it already, knowing her. Text Chapman, see where she's at and let's go." Nicky said practically. "Text her already."

"She and Larry were grabbing a drink, I think she told me. Something about a wine bar?" Alex said uncertainly, holding her iphone in her hand. "She's probably busy..."

"You gotta at least ask her, man," Poussey grabbing the phone from her. "You starin' at it ain't gonna do nothing. Siri's not a mind reader."

"Poussey-"

"I'm just gonna call her," Nicky took the phone from Poussey and rolled her eyes. "Not brain surgery here, guys. ".

"No, Nick, don't,-" Alex began to protest. Nicky, for her part, grinned and hit call. "And you're calling her." She put her head in her hands. "Shit."

"Hey, Chapman," Nicky greeted cheerfully, shooing away Alex's attempts to retrieve her phone. "Yeah, this is Nicky. Listen, we do this thing on tour where the first night in each city we all hang out. We decided we're gonna hit a couple of bars tonight. Only catch is nobody else, just the band. You cool with that?" She paused, listening. "You're engaged, not dead, dude. Oh yeah...what? He says go, have a good time? Oh OK. Yeah, that's too bad." She put the phone to her shoulder, muffling the sound. "He's not coming on the rest of the tour!" Nicky whispered. "Thank fucking christ, right?!" She put the phone back to her ear. "So meet us in like half an hour at Eclispe? Just grab a cab. Yeah, Vause is coming too. The whole band." She raised her eyebrows toward Alex who willed herself not to turn tomato red like she'd done at the diner. "Awesome. Text her when you get there. Mhmm, ok. Later."

Nicky hit end and handed the phone back to Alex. "She said if you were coming, she'd definitely have yo because you're the reason she didn't lose her shit up there. Did I miss something?"

Goddammit, now she was certain she was blushing. "You didn't miss anything," She said casually. "When I showed up, she had a little bit of stage fright. I told her she just had to look at me when she got up there and I'd help her out."

"Right," Nicky snickered. "Vause, that girl has a crush, whether she knows it or not. And now that good ole Larry is gonna be out of the picture...it's now or never, Vause."

"Ok, just stop. Seriously. I don't want to talk about Piper for the rest of the night. For the rest of the tour. Except when it comes to music, ok? She's off limits. I've accepted it. Case closed." Alex fumed. Her friends were assholes.

"Whatever you say, dude," Poussey shook her head. "Let's go."

With that, the trio left the hotel and hopped in an Uber Nicky had secured. Eclipse wasn't overly busy when they arrived, save for guests from the hotel and they headed straight up to the roof bar.

Although Alex didn't dig high end places (you could take the girl out of the trailer park..., she reasoned), she had to grudgingly admit that the view was absolutely stunning. The arch, in all it's glory loomed out before her, along with all of the lights of downtown . It was pretty fucking spectacular and truth be told, she was still on a high from the concert.

"Ritzy, huh?" Nicky addled up behind her, handing her a gin and tonic. "Let's wait for Chapman and we'll head elsewhere.

"Thanks," Alex took the drink from her and sipped it. "Shit, that's good."

"Better be for what I just paid," She drank from her own glass. "But they do make a fuckin' good martini. Just dry enough."

Alex smiled. "Where's Poussey?". she asked, looking around.

Nicky gesturd with her thumb. "Talking to her." Their friend sat at one of the high tops, drinking spmething the color of antifreeze and having a good time with a very pretty girl who looked to be in her early twenties.

"Hmm," Alex pursed her lips, "She's kinda breaking our rules here...do we let it slide?"

"I think talking's ok...just as long as she doesn't try to bring her along, right?"

"I guess that's ok," She smiled. "Seriously, it's a good thing. I don't think she's really even talked to another girl in awhile. Too busy keeping your ass out of trouble."

"Whose ass is in trouble?" Both women turned at the sound of Piper's voice. And once again, Alex was struck speechless at how good she looked. She'd scrubbed the heavy face off and adopted her simpler, clean look but she wore a short dress the color of the sea after the storm and stilettos sandals. Her legs were amazing and Alex couldn't help but stare. Again.

"Chapman," Nicky said smoothly, sensing Alex's hesitation. "Glad you're here. Larry finally give in let you out of the handcuffs?"

Alex shook her head. "Really Nichols?"

"Sorry to disappoint you, Nicky, we're really not into the kinky shit," Piper replied calmly.

"Aw, that's too bad because-"

"Hey, can I buy you a drink?" Alex asked, stopping her friend before she said something crazy.

"Sure, thanks."

"It's the least I can do. You were awesome tonight."

"I'm just gonna leave you to it," Nicky said hurriedly. "My girl over here is sending me bat signals. Think she's trying to get out of her conversation. Hit me up when you guys wanna leave, ok?"

"Nicky to the rescue," Piper laughed.

"Yeah, when the chips are down, she's there." Alex said. "Hey, why don't you grab us a table and I'll get that drink. What are you having?"

"Margarita. Rocks. Salted rim."

Alex raised an eyebrow. "Tequila girl, huh?"

"My favorite," Piper grinned. "You?"

"I do gin or tonics or beer. That's all. Everything else doesn't sit right."

"Interesting," Piper mused. "Nothing else?"

"Nope. But let me go get you yours. Be right back."

As it turned out, three margaritas later, Piper couldn't hold her tequila all that well. By the time Nicky and Poussey were ready to leave, she was already pretty tipsy.

"You sure you wanna head somewhere else?" Alex asked skeptically, "Maybe I should get you back to your hotel."

"Please, let me come with you guys. I wanna party with you all," She replied, hanging onto Alex's arm. "It's band night, right? And Larry never wants to go out. All he wants to do is order in Chinese and watch Netflix."

"Who can argue with that reasoning?" Nicky said. "It's settled. Chapman's coming with us."

"I knew I liked you," She told the bassist, her eyes bright. "C'mon, Al."

"Yeah, c'mon, Al," Nicky mimicked as she and Poussey laughed. "The girl clearly just wants to have a good time."

" Anyway, you have to tell me the stories of your tattoos. Like this one," She lightly traced the little woman on her left arm. "Maybe I should get a tattoo tonight "

"No!" Alex said loudly as the same time Poussey said "Oh hell yeah!"

This night, she thought, as they rode the elevator to the ground level to hail a cab, Piper clutching her hand, suddenly seemed like it very well could be a very, very, bad idea.


	9. Chapter 9

"This is like, the best night of my life!" Piper had to shout to be heard above the din of the music. "Like unbelievable."

"What?" Alex shouted back. "I can't hear a fucking word in here."

Nicky had dragged them to a random bar on the outskirts of downtown St. Louis where the house band was so crazy loud that she couldn't think straight. Maybe, she reasoned, she was old, but the last thing she wanted to do after playing a raucous show was to go and here raucous music. Nicky and Poussey had been quickly surrounded by girls who'd been at the show and who were more than willing to buy them drinks. "Yo, we won't be long," Poussey assured her as Nicky and Piper chatted."You got your hands full with our girl here, not that you mind," She grinned, watching Piper gesture to Nicky excitedly. "We'll be around."

The second they'd had disappeared into the crowd, Alex's heart had thudded wildly. It had nothing to do with babysitting a drunken Piper. It was more the way drunken Piper kept taking her hand to and dragging her to the bar to order drinks that had names like Candy Shoppe and how she'd randomly flit her fingertips over Alex's rose. The whole situation was as unnerving as shit.

They sat on an old sofa that probably hadn't been cleaned it years, Alex with a bottle of Budweiser in hand, Piper sipping daintily from a day- glo green concotion that reminded Alex vaugely of Ecto Cooler. Although she couldn't hear one damn thing her new bandmate was saying, she felt a pleasantly warm buzz slowly creeping into the recesses of her chest. Piper was so close their knees brushed from time to time and it wasn't unnerving anymore. It was comforting and familiar and Alex found herself inadvertently leaning closer so it happened more than once. Apparently, drunk Piper made it a hell of alot more challenging for Alex to heed her own warnings.

"I said I'm having an amazing time." Instead of shouting, Piper leaned in, her hand coming to rest on the other woman's shoulder, her warm breath tickling Alex's neck as she spoke into her ear.

Alex felt herself flush under Piper's closeness. _She's wasted, dumb ass,_ she had to tell herself. _Calm down and quit acting like a horny teenager._

Getting a hold of herself, she managed a smile. "Good. I mean, I'm glad. You deserve it. You were fucking awesome out there."

Piper grinned. "Thanks! Whatever you said. Hey, I love this song! Let's go dance. C'mon!" The blonde sprung up, albeit a bit unsteadily on her heels and started to pull Alex from her spot on the couch.

"Oh no," She protested. "I don't dance."

"What? No, really. I don't believe it. Everyone can dance."

"Yeah well, not me. Ask Nicky. It's not a pretty sight."

"Like anything you do isn't pretty. You're like the most gorgeous woman I've ever seen," Piper said adamantly, slurring her words slightly. "Like you could be a model."

"Right." Alex laughed. "And you, my friend, are drunk." She settled back further into the recesses of the couch. "Anyway, I'm busy." She lifted up her beer.

"Please?" Piper put on a pout. "I really don't wanna go out there by myself. There are some shady guys here."

"What?" Alex was amused. "You think I can intimidate them or something?"

She giggled. "You're taller than everybody in here. "

"Touche." Damn it, why did she have to be so sexy, with her short dress and those legs and that pout? Alex could usually resist a pretty face when it came to doing shit she didn't want to do but with Piper, it proved to be difficult.

"Fine," The brunette grumbled, allowing Piper to pull her to her feet and drag her to the over crowded dance floor where the band was playing a really bad cover of Just What I Needed. As it turned out, Alex didn't have to be self conscious because Piper's dancing drew quite a crowd. She grabbed Alex's hands and spun her, singing loudly to the music.

"Whoah, whoah," She caught the other woman as she leaned forward, wobbling so hard that she almost fell. "OK, you're officially cut off."

"Thanks for saving me," Piper flung her arms around Alex's neck. "Second time in one night."

Between Piper's sweet (but drunken) words and the way she was hugging her tightly, so tightly, in fact, that Alex could smell her perfume, she felt that same pleasant warmth again, low in her belly. This time, it had nothing to do with her buzz.

"Excuse me," She felt a tap on her shoulder. A very attractive red head smiled at her. "You're Alex Vause, right? My friend and I were at the show tonight. You guys were amazing," The woman gushed. "Oh God, I'm so stupid!" She turned to Piper. "You're the new lead singer. You were incredible. Like insanely good."

Piper started to open her mouth to reply when Alex quickly jumped in. "Uh, she's shy. Around people she doesn't know I mean."

The red head smiled and somehow, Alex got the impression she wasn't very bright. "Whatever, it's cool. Anyway," she giggled, "You're probably gonna say no, since you're famous and all but my friend and I wanna buy you a drink, if that's cool." She gestured to a petite blonde behind her who gave a little wave.

"I dunno," Alex looked quickly to Piper. "I'm with my friends."

"Hey, she's cute." Piper whispered loudly. "It's ok...go if you want."

"What?"

"You're into girls, right? She's totally hitting on you. Go on," Piper gave her a little nudge and Alex shook her head.

"It's against the rules," She whispered back. "Band only tonight."

"A drink is against the rules?"

If Piper kept pressing her body flush against hers, Alex was certain the composure she was keeping was surely going to crumble.

"Thanks for the offer, but really, I'm good. " Alex told the red head, a little curtly, if the truth be told.

"That's fine," The woman looked put out and for a brief second, Alex almost felt bad. "Emjoy the rest of the tour." She turned on her heel and headed toward the bar with her friend, their heads bent together, undoubtedly talking about what had happened.

"Alex-" Piper started, but the brunette shook her head. "She was just a groupie, Piper. You could practically smell the desperation on her. She just wanted to get me wasted so she could take me into rhe bathroom and tell all her friends she fucked a "rock star." I've made that mistake before."

"Mhmm," Piper murmured. "So I don't get the problem."

"The problem is I'm thirty five years old. I'm not going to be anyone's conquest."

"You want a relationship. Let me tell you, they're not all they're cracked up to be." She pointed a crooked finger. "You know what you need, you need another drink. You know what I need? Another drink. I'm buying." Wobbling, Piper turned to leave the dance floor and Alex took her arm.

"Oh no, that's the last thing you need. You've had enough."

In a split second, Piper's entire face changed and her eyes became narrow slits. Gone was the happy go lucky expression she'd worn and in its place was an anger that quite frankly, frightened the other woman a little.

"You don't get to tell me I've had enough, OK?" She hissed, wringing free from Alex's hand. "Who do you think you are, my mother?"

"No," She replied calmly, "But I am your bandmate. And I'd like to think someone who's becoming a friend. I'm just looking out for you."

"Yeah well, you don't need to. I'm a grown woman who's perfectly capable of taking care of herself." Her speech was becoming more and more unintelligible and she shook her head. "I'm gonna go dance." With that, she disappeared, weaving through the throngs of people.

"Dude," Nicky suddenly was behind her and she put a hand on her shoulder. "I saw Chapman leave. What the fuck did you say to her?"

"Oh fuck me, she left the bar? Go after her, Nick. She's wasted-"

"Poussey's got it. We saw her leave. Let's get the fuck out of here." The other woman guided Alex out of the bar onto the side walk.

"OK, what'd you do?"

Alex sighed. "I opened my big mouth and put my big foot in it. It's a talent of mine."

Nicky raised an eyebrow, leaning against the building. "Why, cuz you cared? Trust me, Vause. She'll get over it." She nudged her. "It's one of your best qualities...annoying as fuck, but yeah..."

"It was stupid, Nick. We barely know each other, and I'm trying to fucking police her." Alex hugged her arms around herself against the cool early morning air. "I know she can take care of herself but-shit, there's this thing about her that makes you want to protect her, you know. Don't fucking repeat that," She warned her friend. "Don't ask me why because I don't get it myself."

"Cuz you like her, man. And you can deny it up and down, but there it is." Her phone buzzed and she took it out of her pocket. "It's Poussey, she's with Chapman." She read on, her face falling into a frown.

"What's going on? Where are they?"

"Uh, Chapman's OK. Poussey couldn't get her into a cab though."

"So where are they? C'mon, Nick, you're scaring me."

"They're a couple of doors down." Nicky grinned,"Chapman's getting a tattoo."


	10. Chapter 10

Her first tattoo had been a dare. It was all about impressing the college girl she'd been trying to sleep with for months and when she'd said (Her name was Kristen or Karen...the details were fuzzy now), there was no way, she was too chicken shit, that was all it took for sixteen year old Alex to lie down and get a shooting star etched iinto the skin at her waist,biting down hard on her lower lip but not making a single sound, her pride preventing her from making a whimper.

The tattoo artist (whose gentle hands belied his burly exterior), had asked her why she'd picked the star. Alex knew now, looking back, he had probably expected some completely self indulgent teenage bullshit answer filled with symbolism and how the shooting star represented her soul but she'd just adjusted her glasses and looked at him, shrugging. "I saw it on your wall in the waiting room. I didn't know what else to get."

The act had done more then convince Kristen or Karen to sleep with her (all Alex had had to do was show up to her dorm room and tug down the waist of her jeans ever so slightly and she got what she wanted), it gave her a power she'd only ever experienced when she wrote and played music. It was a power over pain, a power over her body, a permanent reminder that she was in control. When Diane had seen it, she'd raised an eyebrow and simply said, "Could be worse I guess." And she'd left it at that but Alex had become addicted. She'd become careful about getting ones that held meaning and she loved that her body told a story in inked skin, albeit a mysterious one. No one knew what her tattoos meant, even Nicky. The reason was a simple one, no one had ever asked. Not until Piper.

Now she stood in the doorway of the tattoo parlor, Nicky behind her, sweaty and heart racing from sprinting the few buildings over and across the street.

"Can I help you?" The girl at the counter had fuchsia hair, couldn't have been more than twenty and wore a bored expression that suggested she'd rather be anywhere else but working at an all night tattoo place.

"Yeah, we're looking for our friend." Nicky answered, stepping forward."A tall blonde and our other friend-" She was cut off by a loud, high pitched giggle from one of the rooms. "Never mind, got her. Come on, Vause."

The girl shrugged, looking down at her cell phone as they walked passed her, poking their heads into different rooms.

"Yo, we're in here," Poussey called out, catching a glimpse of them. "It's all good," she said lowly, but loudly enough for them to hear. "This dude, he cool."

Unsure of what she was going to find, Alex stepped in tentatively. "Hey," she waved to the tattoo artist who waved back.

Piper sat in the chair, a bottle of water in one hand, slumped down, shaking with laughter. "Paul, fucking seriously, you're hilarious."

Paul smiled. "I try." He turned to Alex and Nicky. "I generally don't like to turn away money but I also don't believe in giving tattoos to people who'll regret it later."

"Thank God," Alex breathed. "Thank you," she said quietly. "We're gonna make sure she gets home safe."

"Good to know. Here, take my card," He handed her a business card, scanning her arms. "Nice ink."

"Thanks. I'll keep that in mind." She bent down to Piper's level, lightly touching her hand. "Hey there. You still mad at me?"

Piper's eyes focused in on her face and she smiled lopsidedly."I was. But now I can't remember why."

"Good fuckin thing," Nicky rolled her eyes. "You gave Vause a fuckin coronary over here." She put her hands on Poussey's shoulders. "Nice job keeping her out of trouble, man."

Poussey shrugged. "She's one of us. Besides," she grinned at Nicky, "I'm so used to keepin' your sorry ass outta trouble this was cake."

"I'm not trouble," Piper insisted. "And stop talking about me like I'm not here."

"Sorry," Alex aplogized. "I know you're here. Let's go, OK?"

"OK," she agreed. "Bye, Paul. It was nice meeting you."

"You too, sweetie. Hey, best of luck with the rest of the tour."

Alex strung an arm around Piper's shoulders, steadying her as they walked out into the cool morning air. "Easy, easy." She murmured as the other woman stumbled on a crack in the side walk. "Take your time, alright?"

"Hey, we just called a cab," Nicky said, turning to Piper. "Let's get you back to your hotel, champ."

"Too much tequilia," Piper mumbled, shaking her head before lurching over awkwardly.

"Grab her hair," Nicky shouted immediately at her friend. "Do it!"

"Why?" Alex questioned , doing what her friend asked.

"Cuz she's gonna puke!" No sooner had the words left Nicky's mouth when Piper vomited all over the sidewalk.

"Ditch the shoes," The bassist advised, gesturing to Alex's feet."What I don't get is how she missed her own but nailed yours."

"You want me to just leave my shoes in the middle of the street? These are $400 dollar boots," Alex protested.

"Yeah, well now they're $400 boots that smell like puke."

"You ain't never gonna get that stench out, man," Poussey agreed. "Leave em'. I'll take Chapman," They transferred the blonde from Alex over to the drummer.

"Shit,' The brunette grumbled but she slipped them off anyway. She turned to her bandmate. "Piper? How are you doing?"

Her question was met with a groan as she doubled over. "Where the fuck is this cab?" She turned to Nicky. "She's not good."

"Oh, I'm sorry, am I supposed to fuckin fly us back? Don't give me an attitude because Chapman can't hold her liquor, okay?"

"Maybe you can fly us on your broom," Alex retorted, glaring at her friend. "For fucks sake, Nick."

"The cab's here," Poussey had been uncharacteristically quiet. "Quit bitchin' at each other and help me get her in."

Slightly chargrined, Nicky opened the door as Alex helped Poussey get Piper in without banging her head.

"Let's just hope she doesn't puke in here too," Nicky muttered darkly. "Been there, done that."

"Where you going?" The cab driver cut in.

Poussey looked to Alex. "It's your call. You wanna take her back to her hotel?"

The guitarist shook her head. "Do you really think we should take her back like this? Larry squeals to Red and she has our asses. Remember what she said when Nick almost got arrested? No more bullshit." She looked down at Piper, who was slumped against her shoulder, "She's like...one of us now. And we take care of our own, right?"

There was nothing Nicky could say to that, no wise ass retort seemed appropriate so she nodded and gave the driver the address to their hotel. "Throw me her bag, I'll text him."

Alex obeyed and Nicky took out the other woman's cell phone, sighing lowly. "Shit, there must be like ten messeges on here...and a voice mail. "Hey, Pipe," She read aloud, "You're probably just having a good time with the girls but it's 1 in the morning and you haven't returned any of my texts. Call you please, when you get this, so I know you're OK?" She made a face. "Jesus, possessive much?" She began texting, her fingers flying as she typed. "What a douche."

Alex shot her a look, signaling her to shut up. "Hey," She said softly to her bandmate, who had opened her eyes. "You holding up OK? We're almost there."

To her horror, Piper started to cry. "I'm sorry," She sobbed, covering her face. "I drank so much and I yelled at you and then I threw up on you. You must hate me right now."

"God, no. I don't hate you. We've all done stupid shit before. Really, it's no big deal." She reassured the other woman.

"Just heard back from Big Lar," cut in Nicky. "He's glad Chapman's ok and asked me to remind her they have a breakfast date before she leaves on the bus."

Poussey rolled her eyes. "He really has no clue how much of a hangover she gonna have when she wakes up, does he? You gonna have to have the front desk give your ass a wake up call," She said to Alex.

Piper had slumped over and somehow, her head was in Alex's lap. "I'm so sorry," she repeated, tears spilling. "Like so, so sorry."

"Hey, hey, none of that now," Alex soothed. "It's all good. We're gonna get you back, OK? You can crash with us."

"Larry..." She mumbled.

"It's taken care of. Don't worry, OK?"

The cab sped on and almost instinctively, Alex smoothed Piper's hair back, her fingers tangled up in it as they drove. The gesture seemed to comfort her just as much as it did Piper; it steadied her nerves, gave her room to breathe. She couldn't pin point why she cared whether the other woman got tattooed or not, it was her body after all. There was just this crazy feeling that it wasn't the right time. Maybe it wouldn't have been the right tattoo either. Her entire life, Alex had lived off of her extincts. Not because they were always right but because it was the only way she knew how.

Finally, after what seemed like the longest cab ride ever, they reached the hotel. Nicky paid the driver, tipping handsomely for the commotion. They helped Alex get her in the elevator and upstairs.

"You sure you don't need help?" Poussey questioned as they paused outside of Alex's door, Piper still leaning heavily on her. "In case she pukes again. I got experience," She grinned at Nicky who flipped her off.

"I'm good, thanks. I'll take care of her." Alex took her from Poussey, sliding her keycard into the door. "See you guys at 8. Get some sleep."

"What a fuckin' night," Nicky shook her head. "C'mon, dude," She waved to Poussey. "Hey, don't do anything I wouldn't do," She called to Alex as the door shut behind them.

"Hey," Alex said once they were alone, "Uh, OK. Do you wanna change? Your dress is kinda uh...trashed. In all actuality, you probably should take a shower but that may be kinda challenging. I can give you some sweatpants and a t-shirt if you want." Alex was aware of both the fact she was babbling and still holding Piper close to her body.

"Mhmm, I don't know if I can do it,"

"Uh, yeah, of course. I'll help you. If you want." She helped her lie down on the bed and paused. Though it had been a little while since she'd undressed a woman, it wasn't like she'd forgotten how to do it, albeit in a much different context.

For the millionth time since Piper had come into her life, Alex had to warn herself to quit being an asshole and get her shit together once and for all.

"OK," She breathed out through her mouth and helped Piper to sit up so she could unzip her dress and slip it over her head, willing herself not to stare at the lacy black bra and what was in the lacy black bra like a fucking creep. Mercifully, she managed to dress her quickly, trying not to focus on the fact a gorgeous woman was in her bed, wearing just a bra and panties.

"Here we go," Alex helped her under the covers. "Do you need anything before I shut the light? A glass of water, maybe?" She'd grabbed the extra blanket and pillow from the closet, planning to crash in the arm chair by the window.

"Uh uh," She muttered. "Wait, don't go. Can you stay please?" Her voice was still slightly slurred. "Please."

Alex swallowed hard. "Um, sure." Hesitating, she peeled off her own jeans and threw on some sleep shorts before sliding in next to Piper.

She kept herself a safe distance away, steeling her mind to think about dead puppies or George W. Bush, anything to get her mind off the fact the blonde was two feet away from her.

And it worked for about two minutes which was when Piper rolled over, infiltrating her space. She snuggled close, curling her body around Alex's legs. Letting out a contented sigh, she drifted off to sleep, snoring lowly.

Alex lay in bed, eyes open, unblinking, unmoving. "Fuck me," She whispered, emptying all the air out of her lungs in a single, solitary breath.

There was no way she was sleeping.


	11. Chapter 11

The blaring sound of Alex's phone alarm cut through the quiet and she groaned, pressing the pillow over her head. She was usually fine with mornings but it had been a rough night to be sure. Heaving a sigh, she forced herself to reach over and grab the offending phone from the nightstand and squint at the time.

"Shit," She muttered, sitting up, snagging her glasses from the nightstand. It was already 7:15. Apparently, she'd slept through the first alarm she'd set and hit snooze to boot. It had been no easy feat to go to sleep with Piper literally entangled with her and any attempt Alex had been to gently move away had been meant with the blonde only snuggling in further. Eventually, Alex had given up and resigned herself to the fact she wasn't going to get much sleep but she'd drifted off at some point.

Normally, she was not a cuddler and truth be told, she didn't usually believe in sticking around, basking in the after glow. It wasn't as if she kicked the girls out, she wasn't that cold, but since she didn't do sleepovers, she'd usually nip the cuddling in the bud before it happened by jumping out of bed immediately after sex, offering whoever she was with a drink or suggesting they take a shower. If more sex ensused, great, but not the other stuff.

She had had a hell of a time keeping her hands to herself. It wasn't as if she would've taken advantage of her (Piper was out cold, after all) but she had to admit, she seriously thought about cuddling back. She would have been lying if she'd said it didn't feel good to be held so closely. It had been a long time since she'd been with anyone and while it obviously wasn't the same thing, it was nice to have that closeness again. All she would've had to do was roll to her side and take Piper into her arms. God help her, she had wanted it. And it should've felt strange to want it, since she never had before but it didn't. What the fuck was wrong with her?

 _Piper_ , she immediately thought, rolling over as she made the connection. She came face to face with the pillow and an empty space where the other woman had been just a few hours prior. .

Getting out of bed, Alex walked to the bathroom and knocked on the door."Piper?"

She was met with silence. And it was then, sleepily stumbling over to the dresser to grab clothes (because she was going to be late if she didn't move her ass), that Alex saw the note, scribbled down haphazardly on hotel stationary.

She picked it up, her eyes scanning it quickly.

 _Dear Alex,_

 _First off, I want to apologize for last night. Parts of it are still fuzzy but I do remember I acted like a jerk and I'm so sorry. I want you to know I don't usually get that wasted. I just wanted to celebrate with you guys, and I ended up making an ass out of myself._

 _Also, thanks for taking such good care of me and letting me crash. You totally didn't have to be so nice but I appreciate that you were. I value your friendship. All of you, really, but yours in particular because you could've seen me as an outsider but instead you showed me the ropes and made me feel completely comfortable. That means more than you'll ever know._

 _Hopefully, last night doesn't make you think any less of me, (although you guys may think twice about inviting me out again!). I promise I won't do anything that stupid again and I can't wait for the rest of the tour. This is really the chance of a lifetime and I won't screw it up, I swear._

 _Thanks again for everything. See you later._

 _Piper_

For the second time that morning, Alex sighed. It was all getting so fucking complicated. And she didn't do complicated. None of it was Piper's fault; her feelings were the ones confusing the shit out of her. She just wasn't that person who got all weak kneed and sentimental over anyone, let alone a straight, engaged woman who was in her band. To be honest, she felt a little out of control over the whole situation, how Piper made her _feel._ That wasn't what she was used to and it was kind of terrifying.

Shaking her head, Alex put down the letter and set out to find something to wear. She only had twenty minutes to get ready, get appropriately caffeinated, and meet the others downstairs to jump on the bus. Thinking about what could have been would do her no good.

As she was ready to step out the door, her phone rang. Looking down, she smiled and even though she really only had five minutes to spare, she answered any way.

"Hey Mom," Alex had completely forgotten her promise to call after the concert. "How are you?"

"Hey baby," Diane's familiar voice eased her frazzled nerves like it always did. "Just checking in before I go to work."

"I don't have long. We're going to jump on the bus soon but I'll call you as soon as we get to Chicago," The brunette told her apologetically.

"I won't keep ya then. Tell me quick though, I gotta know, how did the concert go? How was your new lead singer?"

"It went amazing. Like crazy good. The crowd was awesome...and our lead singer... She's incredible. We were so lucky to find her. She learned all of our music in literally two days and she's...let's just say she's going to be a star. With or without Solitary Confinement."

"That's so great, honey. I'm so freakin' happy for ya. Now what's this star to be's name?"

"Piper."

"Ah, nice name," Diane replied causally. "And is this Piper aware that you have a thing for her or..."

"Mom!" Alex protested loudly, grabbing her suitcase from the closet,"I do not have a"thing" for her. Or for anybody, for that matter. God. Why would you think that?"

Alex could picture her mother shrugging. "The way you said her name. You forget, Al, I've known you for thirty five years. You got this tone in your voice when you started talkin' about her. You-"

"Listen, I don't have time to discuss this right now, OK? And even if I did have a "thing" for Piper, which I don't,"she added emphatically, "It wouldn't matter because she's straight. And not only is she straight but she's engaged. Not only is she engaged, she's my bandmate, Mom. You know what a fucking mess it was when Lorna left Nicky. I'll never compromise this band again. Not for anybody."

"I get it, sweetie, I really do, but please, promise me, you won't close yourself off to possibilities. You work too hard, Alex. What good is fame and fortune when at the end of the day, you don't have anyone to share it with?"

"Seriously, Mom, I'm good. I have everything I want...I'm getting everything I want right now," Alex corrected herself, holding the phone between her chin and her shoulder as she shoved clothes into the suitcase at record speed. "Love is the last thing on my mind. With anyone."

Diane laughed. "Whatever you say."

"I gotta go. I'll call you later?"

"I'll be counting on it. I miss you, honey." Her voice sounded wistful and Alex swallowed past the huge lump that had formed in her throat.

"Yeah, I miss you too. Talk to you later. Love you."

"Love you too, baby."

Hanging up, Alex slipped her bag over her shoulder and headed downstairs. "Fuck," She realized she only had five minutes and it probably wouldn't have been prudent to spend them all waiting in the Starbucks line.

She headed down to the parking lot instead, seeing the large black bus parked and her friends standing outside. Poussey waved when she saw her and Nicky, who looked like she'd just rolled out of bed, in a rumpled hoodie and her hair sticking out in twenty different directions, lifted up a cup of coffee in her direction.

"You're the best," Alex came over and took the cup from her gratefully. "Thank God this hotel has a Starbucks," She said, taking a small sip and exhaling happily. "It would've been a very long trip."

"Yeah, we figured you probably wouldn't have time to grab one after last night," Nicky winked. "Did you and Chapman finally-"

"Girl, you know they didn't," Poussey looked disgusted. "Chapman puked all over her shoes, ain't nobody fuckin' anybody after that."

"Since you bought me a coffee, I'm gonna let that slide," Alex replied dryly, looking around. "Speaking of Piper, where is she?"

"On the bus, talking to Red." Nicky shook her head. "Dude, you should be glad you missed her saying good bye to Larry."

"Oh yeah?" Alex tried not to sound too interested. "Why's that?"

"Cuz it was pathetic. Chapman was cool about the whole thing but he cried like a little bitch."

"Seriously?" Alex said incredulously. "No, really, he actually cried?"

"Sure fuckin' did. And he kept sayin' how much he was gonna miss her and how'd he call her every day and to call him when she got to Chicago and how'd he think about her all the time. I was embarrassed for the dude," Poussey exclaimed. "I thought he was gonna get down on all fours and beg her not to go."

"And what did Piper do?"

Nicky eyed her suspiciously. "And you need to know...why?"

Alex shrugged. "Just curious."

"Mhmmm, right," Nicky replied skeptically. "Chapman didn't cry. Not one single tear. She told him she'd miss him too and that was it. If you want the truth, she looked kinda mortified with how he was carryin' on. But sad, no way."

If some small part of Alex found any satisfaction in Nicky's reply, she didn't show it. She managed to smoosh down the smile at the corner of her lips and gave her suitcase to the driver who'd stepped out.

"Let's go," She gestured to the others and they boared the bus.

"Peace out, Missouri. Hope we never fuckin' have to play here again," Nicky muttered as Poussey nudged her. "What? It's the truth and you know it, man."

"Ah, so glad everyone made it on time," Red said as way of greeting from her position at helm of the bus. "Would have been a pity to leave without any of you."

"Please, it's five to 8. You're being dramatic," Nicky rolled her eyes, heading toward the back. "Now if you'll excuse me, I've got some sleep to catch up on."

Poussey shrugged sheepishly and followed her as Red called after them. "Don't you roll your eyes at me, young lady. You'd be just another spoiled trust fund brat if I hadn't agreed to be your manager." She looked to Piper. "Can you believe the way she talks to me?"

Piper smiled sympathetically and then turned to Alex. "Hey," she ventured.

"Hey," Alex replied. The other woman looked none the worse for wear, although upon closer inspection, she could see the whites of her eyes were a little blood shot. "Can we talk? I wanna go over some stuff for the next gig. We're playing two nights in Chicago."

"Sure," The blonde followed her to a quiet part of the bus, waving to Poussey who was listening to music on her headphones while Nicky had instantly fallen asleep the second the bus driver started the engine, her head resting against Poussey's shoulder, mouth slightly ajar.

They settled in and then there was a silence. Alex tucked her legs underneath herself. "So," she started awkwardly, "How are you feeling?"

"Not too great," Piper admitted. "I had to take five Advil with a gallon of water to go and meet Larry this morning. When he asked why I wasn't eating anything and why I was drinking black coffee, I had to make up some dumb excuse like I was nervous about the rest of the tour."

"Why lie? Why not tell him you just had too much to drink?" As soon as the words left her mouth, Alex regretted them. God, had she not learned from the previous night? What Piper did and didn't do in her life (aside from decisions that involved all of them) was absolutely none of her business. Why couldn't she get that through her head?

Instead of getting defensive, Piper shrugged. "I don't really know. I mean, I guess I didn't want him to think less of me."

Alex figured there was probably more to it than that but she said nothing except "I don't think he'd think less of you, Piper. It's pretty easy to see he's crazy about you."

"Well, do you think less of me?" She questioned softly, meeting Alex's gaze. "I threw up on your shoes. Nicky told me."

"No, I don't," Alex answered honesty. "They're just shoes and God, don't you think I've done things I haven't proud of when I was drinking? We all have. No one is judging you, Piper."

"OK...would you think any less of me if I told you the reason Larry doesn't like when I drink too much is because I was in a bad place before I met him? " The other woman pulled her cardigan closer to her body. "I went to Smith to get away from my parents and ended up moving to Boston."

"I grew up not too far from there," said Alex, shifting uncomfortably. "Damn, clearly they don't make bus seats for tall people."

Piper smiled but it was distant, as if she were miles away. "All I ever wanted, really, was to make music. To sing and write and play...My parents didn't approve, of course. They wanted me to be a doctor or a lawyer, something they could brag to their friends about. I think it just made me more determined, you know? Because they were so sure I'd come home with my tail between my legs. So I stayed...but the music scene is hard when you don't know anyone. I worked as a waitess, I barely scraped by to pay rent, there were some nights I didn't eat...that stuff didn't bother me. It was more the fact I was so naive. Like I didn't know people could be so...manipulative." She looked to Alex. "I know what you're probably thinking, poor little rich girl, and you're right. No reason to feel sorry for me. I made stupid mistakes back then."

"I did too," The brunette told her her gently. "Guitar in the back seat, remember?"

Piper shook her head. "No, Alex, I mean really stupid mistakes. I got involved with someone who was no good for me. He had a band and I sang in it but he had a drinking problem. And when he drank, he got violent. You'd think I would've left when he got rough the first time around but I stayed. And it wasn't because I loved him. It was because he had connections in the industry and I knew if I pissed him off, I'd never get anywhere in the city. Not that I didn't think about leaving a million times...running away to LA or New York City or even home to Connecticut a few times when things got really bad. But I was so intent on being someone, I put up with it."

"What happened?" She hoped her eyes didn't betray her anger. How anyone could lay their hands on someone as special as Piper blew her mind. Not that she condoned anyone using their hands to over power someone smaller than them but as Piper told her story, she wanted to kill the bastard.

"He died. He got into a fight with some guy who had a gun...I was relieved actually. I was free but I couldn't get anywhere with music. I played some gigs here and there but not enough to make ends meet and I was about to be evicted. I should've asked for help from someone...my brothers, maybe, if not my parents, but I was just too proud. So one night, I decided it wasn't worth it anymore. I took a handful of leftover Vicodin with some whiskey, laid down on the bed and prayed I wouldn't wake up." She said matter of factly. "And I wouldn't have, if my college roomate hadn't come by and called the cops. We'd had dinner the night before and she was trying to get me to move in with her. When I said no, she offered me money. She was worried, she didn't like the way I looked and she'd come to my apartment. When I didn't answer the door, she knew something was wrong right away. Polly saved my life."

"Shit," Alex was at a loss for words. "God, Piper..."

"I got my stomach pumped and stayed a few days on the psych ward. Polly and her fiancee were so great. They paid all my hospital bills and I moved in with them. When I felt up to it, Pete got me a temp job at his firm. That's when I started to book gigs. I finally could see the light at the end of the tunnel. And I met Larry. He lived next door to Polly and Pete and he was the nicest guy I've ever met. So supportive of my music career and very protective, you know? He knew all about my past and he didn't go running."

"You've been through alot, kid," Alex breathed out shakily. "And here you are..."

"It was a long time ago," She said quietly. "I'm a different person now. That Piper was scared and weak...that's not me anymore. I think that's why I got defensive with you at the bar...I never want anyone to have to take care of me again. But that's not what you were trying to do and I know that now..."

"You are a survivor, Pipes." She flushed. "Sorry, I don't know where "Pipes" came from..."

She laughed and instantly, the joyous sound lightened the mood. "No, I like it." She poked the brunette in the ribs lightly. "Seriously, I've never really had many friends. This is nice. I feel like I could tell you anything."

A warmth coursed through Alex's body and she returned Piper's smile. "Me too. And I'm glad you trusted me."

For a minute, neither spoke. "Hey," The blonde cut in, "I'm kinda bummed I didn't get that tattoo. All of you guys have them."

"I'll take you when you're ready," Alex vowed. "When you really know what you want, deal?" She extended her hand to Piper who took it.

"Deal," She grinned. "You still owe me some stories for yours, you know."

"Right, I forgot," She rolled her eyes. "OK, let me start with the first one..."


	12. Chapter 12

After two and a half hours on the road, Alex has recounted the origins of three of her tattoos. When Piper asked about the rest she waved her off, saying, "Gotta leave a few for another time. Like for a rainy day story."

"Don't old people say that about money, or something?" Piper giggled, "Like my Grandma Chapman used to have this coffee can with a bunch of coins in it and when I asked her what it was all for, she said, "Oh, I'm just saving it for a rainy day."

Alex stared at her. "What the fuck does that mean?"

"I don't know," She hunched over laughing. "I loved Grandma Chapman, but she was batshit crazy." Alex found herself laughing too and she shook her head.

"Shit, I need sleep."

"My fault," Piper said guiltily. "I kept you up."

"No, Pipes, it wasn't you. I already told you, we're a team. We all look out for each other. I wanted to help, really."

"But I took up your whole bed. I was practically spooing you," She laughed again. "Sorry about that. Larry says I'm such restless sleeper, he's going to record me one day. And I'm like a serial snuggler..." The grin she flashed was toothy and genuine and Alex, who usually reserved the word adorable for babies and woodland creatures, thought it was possibly the only acceptable sentiment to describe the girl when she smiled like that.

"It was totally fine. I fell asleep in two seconds," She fibbed. There was only so much Piper actually needed to know.

"Good," Her relief was evident and she brightened, shifting gears. "So what's the plan once we get to Chicago?"

Finally, something Alex could discuss without fearing she would stammer or turn beet fucking red. "We're gonna meet in my room at four," She relayed briskly, adjusting her glasses. "If we get in by one or so, I figure that gives everyone enough time to grab lunch and rest or whatever. We'll go over what's going on for the next few days, without Red breathing down our throats, but basically, we have the rest of tonight and all day tomorrow to rehearse before we play The Riv," The brunette said, referring to The Riviera, the concert venue they would be performing at.

"Sounds good. Is it a big house?"

"No bigger than The Fox," Alex reassured her. "You've more than proven yourself, Piper. It's all up from here. In Chicago, we'll get reviewed too, but don't let that scare you. They wanna compare you to Lorna," She lowered her voice significantly. "And it's unfair, but it's gonna happen."

"She was alot more...aggressive than me. I listened to your album a million times before my audition. Kinda made me pause about going through with it."

"Listen, Piper," Alex was careful to use the right words, "Power...it doesn't necessarily mean attacking a song. Your power is _how_ you sing them, what's behind it. Yeah, you sound amazing too, but it's so much more than that. It's what's you're saying when you sing. You tell a story with our songs. Lorna couldn't do that."

As the bus sped along the highway, Piper reached over to squeeze Alex's hand. "That means alot, coming from you." Her blue eyes gleamed as she looked at her. "I can tell a story with your songs because they're amazing. How long have you been writing? I write too but I haven't done my own material in a long time."

It was not lost on Alex that Piper was still holding her hand. "Maybe you can sing some of them for me one day. I'm not as tough as I seem, I promise."

The blonde reddened. "They might not be good...anyway, you didn't answer my question."

"Nice way to avoid the subject, Chapman."

"I've been told I'm pretty good at it."

"Fine," Alex deflected and Piper realized she still had her hand and blushed again, letting it go. "I've been writing since I learned to play. Which was when I was eleven. The songs I wrote back then were pretty shitty, though," She smiled at the memory. "They were all about how I didn't fit in and how bitchy girls at school called me Pig Sty for no reason."

"That must've been hard, kids being so cruel."

The other woman shrugged. "Yeah, well, when you're poor and you have interests besides boys and make up and clothes, you're an easy target. That's why when I taught myself how to play, it opened up a whole world to me. One where it didn't matter that I was different. Music was everything to me back then. Still is."

"Me too."

"I know. I knew it from the second you strummed the first chord on your guitar," She admitted, toying with a stray thread on her shirt. "Nicky and Poussey, I mean, don't get me wrong, they're kick ass musicans and obviously, they're both passionate about it or else they wouldn't be here but I think to them, it's like...easy. Like they're both good at what they do and it comes natural and they enjoy the money and the up and coming fame thing. But it's not something they _have_ to do because they literally aren't good at anything else. Or they'll die if they stop playing. If we ever broke up, yeah, they'd be upset, Nick probably more so, since we started this thing together but they could pick up and go on with their lives. Me, if I couldn't play or write...if I had no outlet for the shit that constantly swims around in my head, I wouldn't wanna fucking be here anymore, you know." She chewed on her lower lip. "And I'm telling you this because I know you get it."

"Completely." Piper paused. "And like I said, I know what a huge deal it is to join you guys because I know how much this band means to you. I'd never do anything to compromise it, Alex."

They sat in comfortable silence for a bit, listening as Red shouted in Russian on the phone, presumably to one of her sons. The bus was otherwise quiet as Poussey had joined Nicky in sleep, resting her head against hers.

"You still have the songs you wrote when you were eleven?" There was a teasing lilt to Piper's voice and Alex chortled.

"Yeah, written on Lisa Frank stationary. Really deep stuff." She paused, "Though not quite as deep when I turned twelve and had a huge crush on Kelly Maltroni. She was a blonde cheerleader who didn't know I existed and let me tell you, Pipes, the angst resulted in some intense songs. Maybe I'll turn them into a album someday," Alex joked.

"Did you always know you liked girls?" The blonde asked suddenly. "Sorry, that's kinda personal. If you don't wanna answer..."

Alex laughed. "I'm a fucking open book when it comes to that stuff, Piper. Uh, let's see, like always? It wasn't ever like this big, startling revelation or anything. I knew I liked girls and not boys since as long as I could remember. But I learned early on it was just another thing that made me different so it wasn't something I announced, you know? Not until high school, when I stopped giving a fuck what anyone thought."

"And your parents? Were they OK with it?"

"My mom knew before I even said anything. She said it didn't matter who I was into, as long as I was happy. And praticed safe sex." She pulled a face. "Do you know how mortifying it is for your mom to hand you a dental dam in front of your friends?"

Piper shook her head."My mom couldn't even say the word sex when we were around. It wasn't something we talked about in my house."

"My mom is pretty great," Alex admitted. "She raised me all on her own . My father was nothing but a sperm donor, basically. He never did shit for us. It was always her and I."

"I'm sorry," The blonde touched her arm gently.

"Don't be. In spite of everything, I didn't have a bad life. Most girls I knew grewing up hated their moms. Mom and I are best friends. I could tell her anything. And if I didn't tell her, she knew anyway." Blushing slightly, she remembered their brief conversation about Piper.

"I'd love to meet her someday. She sounds like an incredible woman."

"She is. And she's gonna try to make one of the tour spots. She works alot but I'm planning to fly her out. I miss her when I'm away."

"About 45 minutes to Chi town," The driver announced, cutting through their conversation.

"Thank God," Alex sighed, "Can't wait to put my head down on the pillow for a little bit."

"I know what you mean. Hey," She turned to Alex, "I've been here a few times. I know an amazing pizza place, if you're interested. I mean, if you like pizza. God, I don't even know if you eat pizza."

"Everyone likes pizza," She smiled, finding Piper's fumbling endearing. "It's a deal."

She settled back in her seat, looking forward to pizza and Piper's company and sleep. And it was then that Nicky's words the previous evening came flooding back to her, making her heart beat a little faster.

"That girl has a crush, whether she knows it or not."


	13. Chapter 13

Alex had a rule of thumb, if something seemed too good to be true, it probably was. She was also a firm believer in not getting too comfortable in any given situation, lest something awful happen if you completely let your guard down. Call it survival instincts or call it cynicism but Alex was never one to get caught up in how good things were going. If happiness was allowed to take over everything, including hard work, if it made her lazy or complacent, it was then she got a reality check.

Sitting at the counter in the hole in the wall restaurant, eating the best fucking pizza she'd ever had (which was saying alot for someone who lived in Brooklyn), watching how Piper's laugh literally lit up her entire face, kind of listening to what she was saying, but more just enjoying the sound of her voice and the animated way she used her hands when she got really excited, Alex felt it. The quick, sharp hint of dread, like a pin prick to deflate the joy of the moment. She'd shaken it off, attributing it to needing sleep or anxious anticipation about playing The Riv. More likely, she thought, her nerves were shot from squashing down her silly crush on her bandmate. Whatever the reason was, she had no time to worry about such things as there was a ton to get done in a short amount of time.

Everyone got through the meeting in Alex's room without incident, they rehearsed for a few hours (with Nicky only complaining minimally), and Alex actually got some sleep. It was a productive evening.

The next day, they all met for breakfast at Over Easy, a plan formulated by Poussey to "boost morale" before they started an intensive rehearsal. Alex would've totally called bullshit except it got Nicky out of bed before noon and her banana rum spiked french toast was so good, it made her believe in love.

Piper sat next to her in the booth, Poussey and Nicky across from them. She wore jeans and a white tank top, looking well rested and happy and she kept stealing bites of Alex's breakfast, spearing pieces of french toast with her fork. Alex rolled her eyes at this intrusion but said nothing, shaking her head when the blonde pushed her own plate toward her as a peace offering.

"What?" Nicky was staring at them as if they had two heads. "Haven't you seen anybody eat before?"

"No, nothing," The bassist crossed her arms in front of her chest. "It's just you would fuckin' slap my hand away if I tried that," she pointed to Piper, her fork poised in front of her mouth. "You're insanely possessive when it comes to your food."

"You sing like Chapman and you can eat all my food, dude," Alex replied smoothly. Although her friend had accepted Piper into their fold, it was obvious she couldn't resist ribbing her whenever she had the opportunity. She definitely wasn't going to give her friend the satisfication of thinking she'd ruffled her.

"Uh huh," Nicky raised an eyebrow, "You never let me eat off your plate, even when we were together. I mean, I ate other things, so it didn't really matter but it's the fuckin' principle, ya know?"

Piper stopped in her tracks. "Wait. You guys were together? Like together together?"

 _Fucking Nicky,_ Alex fumed silently. It was glaringly obvious that she was trying to pull a reaction out of Piper, to see if she was jealous, and Poussey realized it right away as well because she kicked her under the table.

Nicky yelped and glared at the drummer who shrugged sheepishly. "Sorry, I got restless leg syndrome," she explained to Piper.

Ignoring the others, Alex turned to the singer. "We were together for like a nano second. And even then, we weren't a couple. We realized pretty quickly it was a bad idea. Luckily, we stayed friends and well, you know the rest."

"At least you guys didn't let it ruin your friendship," Piper said neutrally. "Imagine if you had? None of us would be here right now."

"We wouldn't be the same band, that's for sure," Poussey nudged Nicky with her elbow. She raised her orange juice cup. "To Nick. If she kept it in her pants, we all wouldn't be here now."

"To Nicky," Piper raised her coffee mug. "Oh, c'mon, Al, it's funny."

"To Alex," Nicky grinned, raising her own mug, "For realizing I was insane and dodging a big fuckin' bullet."

"You guys suck," Alex shook her head but smiled in spite of herself. "To decent coffee," she tipped her cup toward them, "Fucking finally."

The buzzing of Piper's phone cut through the shouted agreement."It's Larry," she said, glancing at the screen. "I'm going to take this outside,"she excused herself as Alex slid out of the booth to give her room.

"Shit, I'm shocked he didn't call first thing yesterday," The bassist said through a huge mouthful of pancake. "He's so far up her ass, I half expected him to install a fuckin' tracking device in there before we left."

"Three things," Alex fumed, propping up on her elbows, "First, stop talking with food in your mouth, it's fucking gross. Secondly, she called him when we got in but he was at work and then when he called her back, she didn't answer because we were rehearsing. And third of all, Jesus Christ, Nick, why did you tell her we used to sleep together? Like seriously, what does it have to do with anything?"

"What's the big deal? So she knows, so what? Like she wasn't gonna find out eventually," said Nicky defensively. "And wouldn't you want her to know if you guys end up hooking up?"

"I'm gonna have to call bullshit, man," Poussey interjected. "That's not the reason you opened your mouth and you know it."

"Look," Alex took a huge gulp of coffee and sighed, focusing on her friends. "You guys know me. You bitches are more like sisters to me than friends and I know that means you're gonna tease the shit out of me all the time, but please, can we be adults about this? Or like...kind of adults, and chill the fuck out?" Turning around toward the door to make sure their lead singer hadn't walked back in, she continued quietly, "Piper and I are never going to sleep together. Let's be real here, OK? And she's never going to be jealous. Of you, of anyone. Because she's not into girls. And it's fine. I've excepted it, you guys are gonna have to except it too."

Poussey started to open her mouth, only to shut it again when Piper strode back into the diner. "Hey girl, everything OK?"

The drummer had a keen sense of when someone was upset and aside from being an amazing listener, (Although Alex liked to think of herself as intensely private, she'd come to the other woman with things she couldn't necessarily talk to Nicky about, the topic of Nicky herself, for example), she hated to see people sad. It was endearing and one of the reasons Alex loved her so much.

Piper's mouth was set in a thin line as she slid back into the booth. "It's all good."

"You sure?" Alex asked gently, "Because you look pissed."

Maybe she was overstepping her boundaries, but after their bus ride, the guitarist felt there were really no off limit topics between them.

"He's just making me feel really fucking guilty," She sighed, running her hand through her hair. "Like crying over the phone. It's totally unnecessary. I mean, this is everything I've worked so hard for and he knows that..." She shook her head, "I shouldn't be pissed. He's the nicest guy ever and he's been so supportive. But it's like reality hit him and he doesn't want me to be here."

"You get to be mad, Pipes, it's ok," The brunette said. "And there's no reason to feel guilty. You're right where you should be. You know it too."

"I'm going to take off for awhile. I need to work some stuff out in my head," Piper took out her purse and fished a twenty out of it. "Here," she handed it to Alex. "See you guys at rehearsal."

With that she climbed over the guitarist, out of the booth and out of the restaurant, leaving the others in stunned silence.

"What the fuck was that all about?" Nicky finally asked. "She was so fuckin happy a hour ago and one phone call, she's Girl Interuppted."

"He got inside her head." Alex wanted to go to Boston, waltz into the publishing company Larry worked for, and grab the dick by his fucking shirt collar. The last thing Piper needed was some guilt trip because Larry couldn't hold it the fuck together without her. Ordinarily, it would have come more from a place for the band as his dependency on their lead singer was a nuisance, but having gotten to know Piper, it fucking pissed her off.

"Whatta I tell you," Nicky shook her head, "I fucking called that asshole interfering. Right?"

"It ain't about who's right," The drummer retorted, pushing her plate away. "It's about convincing her she gotta stay. If Chapman leaves this tour, we're fucked."

"She's not leaving," Alex insisted vehemently. "She's too smart to let him play the guilt card."

"You sure about that? You barely know her. We all barely know her."

Alex groaned, "Seriously, Nick, this shit again? Yeah, we just met her. But we got to talk a little over the past few days and this opportunity means everything to her. And I really don't think she's going to let anyone stand in her way. Even Larry."

"Hope so," Poussey said, reaching into her wallet and throwing money down. "I'm gonna do some explorin' around the city. "Unless you wanna come?"

"Can I take a raincheck? After rehearsal, OK?"

Nicky blinked in disbelief, looking at Poussey. "You mean we're actually gonna get out of rehearsal in time to see the sun? And here I thought this whole time we were fuckin' vampires."

"You're hilarious, Nichols." Alex rolled her eyes. "If you guys don't fuck around then yes, I'd like to end early tonight."

"Praise Jesus," The girls made the sign of the cross and Alex flipped them off but her heart wasn't really in it. There was too much going on in her head; worrying about how much of an influence Larry had on Piper, wondering what would happen if she decided not to continue with them, and most of all, thinking how utterly shitty it would feel never to see her again. Because though she'd resigned herself to nothing happening, (which was really for the best; nothing would ever fuck up Solitary Confinement again, she'd make sure of it), she knew if the blonde left, she'd really fucking miss her.

"Look, I'll talk to Red later, see if she'll speak to Chapman. Red's pretty persuasive."

Nicky snorted. "She can fucking sell an Eskimo a beach house."

"Yeah, I don't know what that means," Alex took her wallet out for the bill, handing Poussey's money back to her. "It's on me this time. See you guys in two hours."

The next two hours seemed the longest of the guitarist's life. She went back to the hotel, thinking about going for a swim but decided against it. Flitting with the idea of calling Diane, she eventually ended up going for one of her long, rambling walks.

The summer sun warmed her bare arms as she strode through Wicker Park. Calling her mom, while comforting (and she had to begrudgingly admit, Diane gave damn good advice), would have been totally fruitless because she couldn't exactly determine why she felt like shit. Was it that Larry could possibly fuck things up, just when they were starting to get back on track? Or was it because Piper had, in the span of a few days, gotten to her in a way no other woman had? Whatever it was, it was making her stomach twist painfully where she wished she hadn't eaten breakfast at all.

Once or twice as she walked, past parks and stores and restaurants, past people who didn't know she was having an internal panic attack, she took out her phone to text Piper, each time shoving it back into the pocket of her jeans. The look on the singer's face at the restaurant had been one Alex recognized. A face of self-doubt, of questioning. The very same expression Alex had held, two days after her eighteenth birthday, staring into a dirty mirror in a tiny, cramped bathroom while the father she'd just met snorted coke in the next room. The reflection staring back at her was of a scared, helpless little girl who'd just made a very big mistake. One she wouldn't have made if she'd listened to her mother in the first place.

If it were her, she would've wanted space and an opportunity to sort through things without anyone bothering her about it. Whatever Piper was feeling, she knew it was probably something she needed to work out on her own.

Two hours later, they were all congregated outside the door of the rehearsal studio. Glaringly absent was Piper and as her bandmates confirmed they hadn't heard from her, Alex felt it again, the same small, sharp pang of dread. She should've followed through and spoken to Red about the situation, as she'd told Nicky and Poussey she was going to. She liked to keep Red out of their personal lives as much as possible, but Alex couldn't help but wonder if she should have called in reinforcements on this one.

As Alex was taking out her phone to call, Piper walked up, breathless and apologetic. "Sorry guys, I missed the train."

Normally, Alex would have chewed any of them out if they were late, even a minute late, but she was so relieved to see Piper, she just shook her head. "No big deal. C'mon ladies, let's get started. Grab a mic stand," She gestured to the blonde as she unlocked the door. "We're headed upstairs, guys."

They set up quickly and went over the set list, which would be the same as St. Louis, and made their way through it with no mistakes. At one, Alex called for a twenty minute break.

"You guys really wanna get the fuck out of here today, huh? Because everyone sounds on point."

"Hell yeah we do," Poussey grinned widely. "The city is my oyster tonight, yo."

"Go get some lunch and meet back here in twenty," The guitarist waved them away. "Hey," She turned to Piper who was sitting on the floor, legs crissed crossed beneath her, studying a piece of sheet music intently. "You've been super quiet...you OK?"

"I'm fine. Why wouldn't I be?"

Her reaction, while not as blatantly angry as at the bar, was a bit chilly and it took Alex aback. She had sounded perfect when they practiced but there had been something slightly guarded to her where there was ususally a beautiful open quality to how she sang.

"OK," The other woman sat down next to her. "Is this about your phone call?" she broached, careful not to let her own personal thoughts on Larry creep into her words.

Piper sighed. "I'm not going anywhere, Alex, if that's what your worried about. Not only did I sign a contract, but I don't just skip out on my commitments."

"That's not what I thought at all," she replied quietly. "Look, Piper, of course I asked because I care about the future of this band, but I was asking because you're my friend and I give a shit if you're upset."

Piper visibly softned. "I know and I'm sorry for snapping at you. The thing is," she hesitated, "Larry called again and he asked me to set a wedding date. And we've been engaged for almost a year now and I kept going back and forth on a date because I was so involved in getting my name out there more...which was really unfair to him and I know it...he's been so great and I owe it to him to set something in stone, you know?"

Alex really didn't think Piper owed anyone anything just because she was getting ahead in the industry she belonged in and certainly not out of some twisted sense of obligation, but she said instead, "So when did you decide on?"

"Right after the last tour spot in New York."

"That's like in two months," She quickly calculated. "You're going to plan a wedding in two months, while you're on tour?"

"It's going to be super small. Just Larry's parents, my brother, Polly, and a few of our friends. And you guys too, of course, if you want to come. Larry's father has a contact at The Ritz, so we'll have the ceremony there and a brunch after. Of course, Larry's parents wanted like this big interfaith ceremony with all of their friends, but we're paying for most of it ourselves so..."

If Piper had been giving this speech to Nicky, there was no doubt in Alex's mind that her curly haired friend would have replied with something along the lines of, "What are you, fucking nuts?" For her part, however, she knew responding this way probably wouldn't have been very tactful.

"I'm only gonna give my opinion if you want it," She offered, studying her hands. "I know I hate unsolicited advice so I'll keep my mouth shut if you don't want any."

"The thing is, I do value your opinion, Al,"she smiled slightly. "If it wasn't for you, I wouldn't be touring across the country so, yeah, of course I'll listen."

"OK then," The brunette took a deep breath, "My thing is...it's your life, Pipes, and you need to do what you have to do but please, please don't let anything or anyone get in your way because singer's like you? They don't come around all that often. If this is your break, and God, I'd like to think it is and that you stay with this band for fucking ever, you gotta run with it. All that shit you went through, it was leading to this, right here, right now. This sounds so fucking cliche, but please, don't throw it away because he's pressuring you. He's feeling insecure but that's not on you, OK?"

Alex had never really believed in the old "eyes are the windows to the soul" bullshit and truthfully, it was probably because she'd never stared deeply into someone's eyes or had someone stare deeply into her eyes either. It seemed kind of creepy. But as she got the courage to really look at Piper after she'd finished talking, those eyes, those big, blue eyes that made her lose her thoughts, that unnerved her on more than one occasion, her eyes held endless words Alex didn't need to hear to understand.

Finally, after what seemed like a eternity, Piper looked away. "You don't understand. It's not because he's pressuring me. I love him and I want to marry him. And of course, he understands how much this all means to me. We've been together for a long time. It's hard, Alex, we've never been apart in like eight years. He's having a difficult time...of course I'm going to feel guilty being on the road, getting to see and do these incredible things while he's at home."

"That's the thing though, you shouldn't have to feel guilty. This all didn't fall into your lap. You've worked damn hard to get here."

"What you're basically saying is me marrying him now is stupid," The other woman's voice held an edge to it. "You think if I marry him, my career is going to stall."

"That's not what I'm saying at all, dude, but it's interesting...because it sounds like something you've thought about." Alex didn't know why she beginning to get a little pissed but she was. "I'm not saying this to be a dick, Piper. I genuinely-"

"Care?" Piper supplied. "I'm a big girl, Alex. I promise I'm not going to bail on you guys but that's where it ends. You don't get to have a say in my personal life. I think...I think it's better we keep this about the music."

"That's fine with me." It wasn't difficult to stuff down her disappointment, she'd been doing it her whole life. "We have ten minutes left," she reminded her curtly before heading out the door and down the stairs.

"Fuck," She leaned against the wall of the building, wishing fervently for a cigarette, though she'd given up smoking years ago. Hot tears pricked the corners of her eyelids, only serving to annoy her more. What the fuck was happening to her? She hardly ever cried to begin with and certainly never over a girl. Piper Chapman was legitimately fucking with her head, even if she wasn't meaning to.

A quick glance at her phone told her everyone was due back soon and there was no way she was about to let Nicky and Poussey see that she'd shed tears over something she should've had control over, a control which she'd prided herself on.

Wiping her eyes, careful not to smear her eyeliner, Alex popped next door to grab an iced cappuccino, downed it in ten seconds, and headed back inside.

Thankfully, her other bandmates didn't seem to notice anything amiss with her and Piper and they got through the entire set three times before Alex was satisfied enough to break them at seven. Luckily, she and the singer only had to speak at brief intervals and then it was only concerning tempos and asking if she wanted to pick up again from the chorus.

"Thank fucking God," Nicky put her bass in its case. "Vause, you're a fucking goddess for getting us out of here early. I'm buying us all dinner and drinks and I won't take no for an answer."

"One drink," Alex frowned. "Do you not recall last night?"

"I'm not going to vomit on anybody's shoes, I promise," Piper interjected, carefully wrapping the mic cord. "And I'll pay you back for your boots," she tossed over her shoulder to Alex.

"And I already told you, it was fine," The guitarist responded tightly without looking at her.

"What the fuck?" She caught Poussey mouthing to Nicky who shrugged. Alex shook her head at both of them and gestured for them to continue packing up.

"You comin'?" Poussey asked the blonde as they lugged equipment down the stairs.

"Uh, sure. I mean I guess dinner would be fine. I have to eat, right?" She turned slightly toward Alex who was behind her on the staircase. "If that's OK with you."

"Why wouldn't it be," she replied haughtily and the second the words flew out of her mouth, she felt completely fucking stupid. She sounded less like an adult and more like those little bitches who had tortured her in middle school.

 _Well, fuck,_ she rationalized miserably, _If Piper's gonna shut me out for having an opinion, what does she expect?_ Larry was a douche bag. Nothing Piper did to defend him was going to convince her otherwise.

"Alright, cut the bull shit, what the fuck is going on with you two today?" The bassist blurted, rushing up along side them to go back upstairs. "You've been weird since we got back from breaking. What gives, huh?"

"Nothing," They replied in defensive unison, causing Poussey to nearly drop her drum kit down the staircase.

"Gross. You guys even fight in unision," Nicky mutterd, making a face. "C'mom, let's get the rest of this shit in the rental. Meet somewhere in half an hour? Piper, you coming with me? I got room up front."

The blonde shook her head. "No, you go ahead. Text me and I'll meet you where ever. I need to walk for awhile."

As soon as she headed down the street, Nicky turned to her friend questionigly.

"Don't ask, dude. I really don't wanna get into it right now."

"Shit, you're serious. You just did your "I'm serious right now" thing where you push your glasses on the top of your head, ya know?" Nicky said, squinting. "OK, I won't say anything else about it but shit, Vause, you two were fucking cold...like I got frostbite."

"Just get in the damn car, please."

Not soon after, they'd gathered at The Gage, an Irish pub. Piper had gotten there first and secured them a four top and Alex couldn't help but observe, even in her irritated state that she'd changed into a long patterned skirt and fitted tank top almost identical to the color of her eyes. She looked up from the menu briefly at her when they had come in and Alex had gotten a quick pang of hope that she'd speak to her again but she'd simply murmured a monosylic, "Hi," and went back to reading the menu as if it were the most interesting thing in the world.

Playing games wasn't something she was in the mood for at all, so she took the seat next to Nicky at the table, forcing Poussey to sit with Piper (she knew the drummer wouldn't mind).

"Vause, can I just say, you look hot tonight," Nicky winked. "Pitcher of Stella," she ordered when the waitress came over. "Keep em' coming," she fished out her credit card to start a tab. "No, really though, you look good. You gonna pick up a girl?"

Alex hadn't given herself more than a quick glimpse in the mirror before she'd left the hotel, but she supposed she looked OK, having actually put in more of an effort than her usual uniform of a blank tank top, black skinny jeans, and boots. She wore a black and white halter dress, with ample cleavage, her hair long and loose, and red lipstick.

"Maybe," she demurred, pouring herself a glass of beer when the pitcher arrived. "Ladies?" She busied herself pouring beer for everyone else, pretending not to notice Piper staring at her.

"What's it been, man, two weeks?" Poussey laughed, sipping her drink.

"Mmm, more like a month."

"A month?! Shit, man, that's a fucking dry spell, that's what that is," Nicky declared. "The question is, Vause, what are you gonna do about it?"

"She's gonna find a pretty girl in here and buy her a drink, right Vause?" The drummer grinned. "You up for a challenge?"

"What's that?" Piper asked, closing her menu.

"One of us picks out a girl for another one of us. The challenge is to get the girl to take us home." The bassist explained, looking around the restaurant. "How about that one?" She pointed to a statuesque redhead sitting at the bar by herself, drinking a martini and reading.

"Sure, why not?" The girl was attractive enough and God knew after today, she needed the release.

"So you're just going to let a random girl take you home?" Piper asked incredulously. "But you don't even know her...what if she's like a serial killer or something?"

"Yeah, Chapman, total serial killer material right there," Nicky pointed out. "She's reading fucking Whitman."

"What do you care who I go home with?" Alex questioned, a little more harshly than she'd intended and she could tell by the look in Piper's eyes that she was taken aback but she recovered quickly.

"I don't," she said carelessly. "I just think it's kind of sleazy, that's all. Something guys would do. Did you say you were too old to be someone's conquest? Doesn't it work both ways?"

Eyes gleaming, Alex turned to Nicky. "Challenge accepted. Order me a burger and bring it back to the hotel for me, please." Chugging back the rest of her beer, she wiped her mouth with the back of her hand and headed toward the bar. "Don't wait up, ladies."

Getting the redhead (whose name was Rachel) to take her back to her apartment had turned out to be easier than Alex had expected. Rachel had both cats and a roomate who was home when they stumbled into her bedroom, tugging off clothes and giggling from one too many drinks. She tasted like rum and cokes and strawberry lip gloss and Alex had to cover her mouth when she came to keep from waking up the roomate.

It was nearly one in the morning when she dressed in the dark, leaving Rachel snoring softly in the twin bed with pink sheets. Ordinarily, she at least stuck around for a little while, long enough to make some awkward small talk, but this time she felt itchy in her own skin. The release had been nice but it hadn't been enough to quell the creeping anxiety in her bones so she caught a cab back to her hotel room.

Nicky had left her burger on the desk and Alex smiled when she saw it. Deciding to jump into the shower first, she let the warm water wash over her, wishing it would sweep away some of sadness lingering on the surface of her skin.

Finally, she got out, wrapped her long hair in a towel and dressed quickly in pajama shorts and a tank top. Settling down in bed, she switched on the TV and prepared to eat her dinner. She'd just cracked open the styrofoam container when there was a knock at the door.

"Hit me up for details later, Nick," Alex grumbled, getting up to peer through the peephole. "Shit," she muttered when she saw who it was. Quickly she unlatched the chain and wordlessly opened the door to let her guest in.

"Hey," Piper said breathlessly, "Sorry it's so late. I came by earlier but you weren't here. I uh...yeah." She came into the room and sat down on the unmade bed. "I'm guessing you probably want to know why I'm here. The truth is...I really don't know why."

Gingerly, making sure there was adequate space between them, Alex sat down next to her. "I'm kinda at a loss myself here, Pipes."

The blonde looked down at the duvet. "You were right. About me asking myself those questions. There's so many things I have questions about...things I just don't know the answers to. I think I was mad because some small part of me knows you're right, Alex, that marrying Larry is a really bad idea. And there's this other part of me..."

"Yeah?"

"I used to know who I was. What I wanted. There were no questions, no doubts. But then I auditioned for you guys and you took my hand. And...fuck, Al. I felt _something._ I'm not sure what it was but you touched me and I forgot how to fucking speak. And then I got to know you and we played together and it was so amazing and I just kept feeling all these crazy things that I couldn't really think about because I don't understand them." She was quiet then. "And I think our fight was less about Larry and more about...about me. About you and me, I mean. The way you make me feel."

"How do I make you feel?" Alex's heart thudded wildly in her chest and Piper looked at her then and Alex saw fear in the endless ocean pools of her eyes. Fear but something else too...longing and hope.

"See, that's the problem," Piper whispered, "I don't know. It's confusing. You like, confuse me."

Alex laughed but kindly and she reached out to touch her forearm but stopped. "I don't blame you. I'm a confusing person."

"I should go," Piper murmured but she made no move to leave, instead closing the small gap between them, the warmth of her body emanating off of her.

"You should," Alex agreed softly. Piper was so close now she could smell her shampoo, see the thin layer of goosebumps that had formed on her arm, feel how despite her words, she knew just what she wanted.

Their eyes connected again and she couldn't look away. Like an addict who couldn't get enough, she was prepared to dive into their depths, get lost in them.

Then Piper took her face in both of her hands, the pads of her thumbs slowly stroking her cheeks. In slow motion, she leaned forward and captured Alex's lips with her own.

Time seemed to stop. It was only Piper and only her lips, soft and hungry, her hand tentatively stroking her back. It was their tongues meeting and moans and delicious hot mouths as they sunk deeper and deeper into the kiss.

And then all too soon, Piper had broken away, wild eyed and disheveled, like a beautiful animal, leaving Alex completely breathless and void, as if she'd been missing Piper's kiss all along and without it, there was a profound emptiness.

"Oh God," Piper put a hand to her mouth, "God, Alex, I am so sorry. I completely...that was so out of character...shit. I'm sorry, I have to-"she gestured toward the door.

"Piper, wait," Alex began.

But Piper had already sprung up, her hand on the door knob. "I gotta go. I...I'll see you tomorrow."

The door shut loudly behind her and Alex collapsed backwards onto the bed, flushed and turned on and thoroughly confused. She wasn't sure what the fuck just happened but she knew one thing.

She was royally fucked.


	14. Chapter 14

Not surprisingly, after Piper's visit to her room, Alex didn't see or hear from her. After she'd left, the other woman had tried to relax but she'd ended up mindlessly staring at whatever was on The History Channel for hours until she guessed she'd finally nodded off just before sunrise. Thank God they hadn't planned anything for the morning because quite simply, she felt like shit.

Piper's admission had completely startled her. It had been so much easier to dismiss the possibilty that anything could ever happen between them when she was so sure her feelings were one sided. Everything made so much more sense; Piper's cautious flirting, the little looks she shot her when she thought she wasn't looking, the food snatching. She had been oblivious, lost in her own hopeless crush, too blind to see she wasn't the only one with feelings or a crush or lust, whatever Piper happened to label them as.

The next thing she knew, light was streaming in through the curtains. It was already eight and even though she didn't have to be at The Riv until five, she knew she needed to get up and confront the day.

"Coffee," Alex muttered aloud, lumbering out of bed. Coffee was about the only set in stone plan for the day because everything else was just a jumble in her head. Digging around the pile of crap in her suitcase she hadn't bothered to unpack, Alex unearthed a wrinkled pair of black shorts and a black top she never wore (and subsequently had no idea how it got into her suitcase in the first place) and hastily threw them on, the desperation for a caffiene fix winning over vanity.

As she brushed her teeth and her hair, Alex found herself staring at her reflection in the mirror. It was obvious she'd gotten laid last night but there was something more, something about the way her green eyes flashed from behind her glasses. Piper's kiss had rocked her world and the truth was writtwn all over her face. What went on after that would be anybody's guess but they had a show to get through and the next day, they'd be on the bus again. She imagined things would be awkward between them, given the way Piper had run out of the room but it was too soon to tell. All Alex knew, touching her lips lightly, that if Piper hadn't broke away, things probably would have gotten a hell of alot more complicated because she was pretty sure she wouldn't have been able to resist the blonde.

Caffiene was vitial to process anything complicated, this was a complete truth she held to be true, so the guitarist finished getting ready and jumped in the elevator.

"What the fuck," Alex said under her breath as it stopped on the 13h floor. Logically, she knew that stopping on floors happened, it was an elevator after all, but she was so completely on edge from everything that had occured earlier, the interruption only served as a further obstacle between her and the fucking coffee she so desperately needed.

"Hey man," The familar voice caused her to look up and she was immediately met with Poussey's signature ear to ear grin. "What's up?"

"Oh hey," Alex was relieved to see her bandmate and not some other hotel guest who would've most likely tried to engage her in conversation (she was so not in the mood). Worse still, it could have been Piper standing there when the doors opened, Piper with her excuses and a dreaded apology. While Alex couldn't make much sense out of what had happened, she definitely knew she wasn't ready to hear any of it.

"I would ask how last night went but I can tell just by lookin' at you how it went," Her friend laughed as they hit the lobby level.

"Hmmm? Oh yeah, the red head. Yeah, it was fine, I guess."

Poussey stared at her and the doors open. "Yeah, I know that look, Vause. Shit went down, didn't it?" She shook her head. "Don't answer that. C'mon, girl, you need coffee."

Taking her by the hand, Poussey pulled her down the block and into a small coffee shop. Ordering for herself and Alex, they sat down with their drinks and bagels at a table tucked into a quiet corner.

"OK," The drummer said once they were settled, "Let's hear it, man."

Alex took a sip of coffee. "No Nick? You guys are attached at the fucking hip lately."

"Yo, this ain't about me. Stop tryin' to change the subject. Don't you think I know you always gonna be doin' that? But if you gotta know, she's still asleep. I texted her to see if she wanted somethin and she said she was sleepin' and to ask her in four hours. Next."

"Shit, you just cut right to the chase, don't you?"

"You gonna tell me what happened or do I gotta guess?"

"Jesus, man, you're in the wrong profession. You should be working as a fucking interrogater for the FBI," Alex grumbled, breaking her bagel into tiny pieces without eating it.

"Obviously somethin' shitty happened cuz you murdering that innocent bagel."

"OK," Alex sighed, resigning herself to the fact Poussey wasn't going to be easily deterred. "So last night, yeah, I went back to Rachel's, that was her name, her apartment. We had sex, it was fine and she fell asleep. I took a cab back to the hotel. I showered and I was just staring to eat that burger Nick left when someone knocked on the door. This was around one."

"I'm gonna just take one guess," Poussey jumped in. "Chapman?"

"How'd you know?"

"Fuck man, you should've seen her when you left with that girl. She got all moody and wouldn't really talk to nobody. When her food came, she ate like three bites and said she had a headache and was goin' back to her room to lie down."

"Shit," Alex exhaled sharply. "Well, that explains alot then. Yeah, Piper knocked on my door and she said I was right about her questioning things with Larry. We'd had kind of a fight earlier about him laying down a fucking guilt trip." She intentionally left out that he'd pressured Piper to set a wedding date. It was her decision when to tell them.

"He's bein' a fuckin' prick about the whole thing," Poussey agreed vehemently, taking a large bite of her own bagel. "She didn't tell you she's leavin', did she? Is that why you look like someone just told you you gotta take a vow of celibacy or some shit?"

Alex shook her head. "No, no, she's not leaving. No, uh...she told me she was confused. And I was the one who was confusing her."

"How so?"

"Like...she had all these...feelings for me, feelings she didn't understand. And when we met, when we shook hands, that was when she felt it. So yeah..." Alex swept her glasses to the top of her head, rubbing her eyes.

"Ah, Vause," Poussey put a hand on her forearm."This is a good thing! You feel the same way. Now y'all can stop with all the sexual tension y'all got goin' on and-"

"That's not everything though," Alex interrupted. "She kissed me."

"For real?"

"Yeah. She leaned over and grabbed my face and she kissed me. And maybe I should've stopped it. Mayve it was just because she was feeling confused and vunerable...but she kissed me and I wanted it. I think I wanted it more than I've ever wanted anything except for this band to make it." She put her head down toward the table top, tracing spilled sugar crystals with the edges of her fingertips. "Am I a terrible person?"

"For what? For wanting someone who you think's off limits?" Poussey asked kindly. "No, man. You're human. The heart wants what it wants and sometimes there ain't no stopping it." She paused. "How was it? That's the real question."

"The kiss?" Alex looked up. "Amazing. And you know I don't say that lightly. Probably the best fucking kiss I've ever had in my life."

"Damn," Poussey pursed her lips. "Didn't think Chapman had it in her."

"Neither did I."

They were both quiet for a minute. "So what are you gonna do?"

Alex shrugged. "Not much I can do. She obviously thinks it was a mistake. She ran out of my room like there was a fire. Maybe she was just trying it on for size, you know? Straight girls do that."

"Do you really think she's like that though?" replied Poussey thoughtfully. "I mean I don't know her that well yet but I can usually read people and I don't think she's playin' games like that, man."

"Me either. But there's this small part of me that kind of wants it to be just this like...confusion or experimental thing. Because anything real? If Piper has real feelings for me? I don't know if I can handle it," She admitted. "And maybe that makes me a giant fucking pussy but it's the truth."

"Why? Cuz Alex Vause doesn't do relationships?"

"No," she said softly, "Because I have feelings for her too. And it's scary as hell and confusing...and complicated, Poussey. It's so fucking complicated. It's better if it's not real."

"You don't really believe that. I know what happened with Morello and Nicky. I was there. But that don't mean every straight girl is gonna dick you around...feelings are feelings."

"That's not just it. Yeah, that's a concern. Then there's the fact she's engaged to someone else and I'm not about to be the person who fucking homewrecks...even if the said person in question is a manipulative asshole."

Poussey sighed. "So what's the real reason you wouldn't be willin' to give it a shot if Chapman is?"

"This band. For ten fucking years, I've worked my ass off to get us here. We all have. Morello almost fucked it up for everyone and I won't do it. I refuse to put you guys in that position again if things got shot to shit. This is my life."

"It ain't much of a life if you can't be with who you want," The drummer said. "Look, Vause, life is fuckin' short. I've never seen you this into anyone. And I've known you for what, five years now? She smiled. "You need to do what makes you happy in this fucked up world, son. Cuz you don't wanna have regrets."

Alex stood up and downed the rest of her coffee. "I'm gonna go for a walk. I'll see you at sound check. And thanks, man. For listening. Even if it wasn't what I wanted to hear."

As the day went on, Alex thought about calling Piper about million times. To know what she was thinking about, to see if she was OK, to confirm she was overanalyzing the shit out of everything like she was. Resisting the urge was almost impossible, so Alex did everything she could possible do to taper it down. She went for a run. She went out for sushi with Nicky (who she managed to distract with a comedic retelling of her night with Rachel), she tried to read a book in the park. Nothing she did though could keep her mind from repeating Piper's words on a loop on her brain.

The second five o'clock loomed, Alex jumped in the rental and made the short drive to The Riviera, rushing into the stage door with a quick hello to the doorman.

The dressing room, though not as nice as the one at The Fox, was spacious and she quickly hung up her outfit and picked her make up mirror to put down her kit. The room was still and she basked in thw quiet while she could, closing her eyes.

"Hey," A soft voice cut through the quiet and Alex opened her eyes to see Piper put down her things at the make up station next to her.

"Hey." The other woman looked uncertain and for once in her life, Alex really didn't know what to say.

"I was hoping you'd be here," Piper began, sitting down.

"You were?"

"Yeah...I mean, the way we left things. Well, the way I left things." The blonde shook her head apologetically. "I kind of just left without any explanations. I'm not the type of person who just goes around throwing themselves at people. Especially my bandmate."

"I didn't think that's what you were doing, Piper."

"Well, I just want to let you know-"

"God, please don't say you're sorry. Or that you shouldn't have come to my room,' Alex blurted suddenly, standing up so fast she nearly knocked the chair over. "Because honestly," She forced herself to look Piper in the eyes, her heart pounding wildly. "I'm not."

"You're not?" The other woman stood too but didn't move.

"Hell no. I mean...are you?"

The singer's blue eyes were bright. "No. Not one bit. I wanted it," She admitted quietly. "I wanted it so badly, it scared the shit out of me."

"Piper," Alex said gently. "You know we can't do this, right?'"

"Don't you want me?" Piper bit her lower lip and Alex nearly lost it, nearly said fuck it all, fuck the band, and fuck Larry, and fuck every bit of common sense she had left and took Piper into her arms.

"That's not the issue," She managed in a strangled voice. "Because anybody would be crazy not to want you. You're sexy and you're smart and talented as hell...but it's not a good idea, Pipes. Not at all and I don't have to spell out the reasons for you."

"I know and maybe you're right but my instincts...I can't pretend I don't feel what I feel."

"I know. And God, I fucking wish this was under different circumstances." Alex clutched the make up counter with the backs of her hands, her sweat making her momentarily lose her grip.

Piper let out a deep, resigned sigh. "Can we talk about this after the show?"

"I don't think there's much left to talk about but yes," The guitarist said. "We can talk after the show."

"Good," Piper nodded. "Good. Because I don't think we're done here, Al, I really don't. I love Larry, I do but there's something here I can't ignore and we've got to figure it out."

Authors Note: Thanks so far to everyone who took the time so far to read, follow, and review! It means the world to me as a writer so thank you, thank you, thank you!

To the reviewer who commented Alex is very OOC, thank you for your constructive criticism. I do understand where you're coming from but since this story is an AU and not cannon, I felt I could take some liberties with Alex. My Alex is coming from a slightly more vunerable, cynical place in the love department than show Alex. There are subtle differences between my AU Alex and cannon Alex for sure . Same with Pipes. Our girl is a little less decisive and alot more rash as written than my version of her. I do appreciate your input though!


	15. Chapter 15

Alex had to hand it to Piper. She was obviously preoccupied (evidenced by her barely saying two words to Alex as they got ready and not much more than that to anyone else) but if Alex had thought for a second it was going to affect her performance, she was wrong.

If anything, the blonde was hyper focused, feeding off the buzzing, almost manic energy of their audience. Her voice was as pure and open and honest as it had ever been and people were going absolutely nuts for her, cheering so loudly, they could hardly begin the next song.

The only disappointing part of it all was the fact Piper completely avoided eye contact with her. Whereas in St. Louis, she had sought her out, like they were both in on the most, amazing, crazy secret, the blonde looked at anything and everything else on the stage. It made Alex feel strangely empty, even though she pretended not to care. She got it, she did, but it stung nonetheless.

The Riv was as old school as The Fox but without the meticulous up keep. It was an eyesore to be sure but as Red put it, "The place has got a certain charm about it." For Alex, it was all about the history. They were playing the same stage as Patti Smith, Garbage, Tegan and Sara...the fact it was also a standing room venue was also pretty cool though she had to admit the acoustics left something to be desired.

Sound issues and aesthetics aside, the crowd was responsive as hell and as they played through the set, she returned Nicky's shit eating grin. She lived for the adulation as much as she pretended not to give a flying fuck about much, and honestly, Alex was relieved to see her almost completely back to her old self.

"You guys rock!" Alex boomed into the mic half way through the show. "In case you don't know who we are and I fucking hope you, do since you're here, we are Solitary Confinement!" She paused as the crowd screamed. "On drums, we have Poussey Washington!" Poussey played a little fill, amid cheers. "Next up, Nicky Nichols on bass," The bassist flashed an anarchy sign and riffed a bit. "Piper Chapman on vocals!" Instead of singing, Piper leaned in close to Alex, saying into the mic, "Oh my God, you guys are amazing!" This was met with cheers and applause but it was not lost upon Alex that despite their close proximity, the singer still would not look at her.

Putting aside her slightly wounded pride, Alex shouted, "And I'm Alex Vause. Chicago, you fucking rock!"

"Marry me, Alex!" A female voice from the crowd shouted as they started up to play again. Nicky shook her head, snickering. Alex, for her part was unphased, poised to begin the intro to "Inevitable". Her bandmates liked to tease her mercilessly for being the "femme fetale" of the group, with boys and girls alike hitting on her at the stage door. Alex had used it to her advantage on occasion, singling out girls she thought were hot but it the groupie thing had gotten old and she'd become more selective in who she chose to take back to her hotel.

They finished up the concert, heading backstage after two encores, sweaty and triumphant at how well everything had gone.

"How come Vause gets all the marriage proposals?" Nicky complained as she pulled her shirt over her head. "Like c'mon...I'm not marriage material?"

"That's cuz they see right through you, man," Poussey laughed, sitting down at her make up station to quickly blot her face with a baby wipe. "They know you'd fuckin' chew em up and spit em up out."

"Yeah, probably," Nicky agreed, shrugging. "Hey Chapman, you sounded damn good out there. Good thing too cuz word is the reviewer from The Tribune was here. At least that's what Red was sayin'."

"She mentioned it to me too," Piper replied easily. "I tried not to think about it, honestly. He either liked us or he didn't. It's not going to change anything. We were almost sold out tonight."

"Look at you, all calm and collected," The bassist started to pick up her clothes which were scattered all over the dressing room. "You know you don't have shit to worry about."

"Whatever they say, I'll be OK. Really. I have a thick skin."

"Get em' girl," said Poussey. "Yo, Vause, you've been quiet. You good?"

The truth was, she wasn't. The silent treatment from Piper was beginning to wear her down but instead of the lonely feeling from before, it was actually starting to piss her off. They were adults, weren't they? Alex didn't think it was too much to ask for them both to be handle the situation in a mature fashion. Apparently, Piper did.

"Great show, ladies," Red rushed in the dressing room unannounced, her trademark locks wildly sticking up all over her head from nervously running her hands through her hair three hundred times while she was watching the show. Other people bit their nails or their lips, but Red played with her hair when she was on edge, making Alex almost certain she'd go bald sooner rather than later. "I just talked to Marc from The Tribune and the review will go in tomorrow's paper." She turned to Piper. "I'm sure he'll have nothing but good things to say about you, my dear."

The blonde smiled, taking a sip of water."Thanks but these guys worked just as hard as I did. They deserve all the credit."

"That may be," Red conceded, "but you, my dear Chapman, you are a gift." She took her face in her hands and kissed both cheeks. "Ladies, expect my call later on...Marc is emailing me a copy when he's finished. And stay out of trouble, you hear me? The bus leaves at 8:00 on the dot and whoever is not on it, gets left behind in Chicago."

"Red, you need to relax, seriously. Go out, have a nice glass of wine..." said Nicky. "We'll be on the bus."

"You better be. A glass of wine does sound good. Maybe a book, a nice hot bubble bath..."

"You deserve it," Poussey told their manager. "Go. We'll talk later."

"Good night, ladies. Not too much to drink now, OK? And Vause, I'm counting on you to have these girls on the bus for eight tomorrow, understand?"

"No problem, Red," She replied. "See you tomorrow."

As soon as the older woman left, Alex rolled her eyes. "Does she think I'm your babysitter?"

"Forget her," The bassist slung a bag over her shoulder, "The real question is what the fuck are we doing tonight? No sight seeing, dude," she added for Poussey's benefit. "This one," she grimaced, "dragged me all over the city yesterday. I felt like a fucking tourist."

"You are a tourist." Her friend said. "And it was culture, yo. Don't you like learnin' about the history of a place?"

"Not as much as you do. Besides, I'm a New Yorker, man. You've seen one museum, you've seen em' all." Nicky looked to Alex. "Vause, you up for going out?"

"Not really." Her irritation from Piper's deliberate snubbing remained, bubbling at the surface, and even though she knew it was petty and stupid, she was letting it get under her skin. "Let's order pizza and hang out in my room."

Nicky made a face but rules were rules and Alex knew they would comply. "Me and Poussey will go pick up pizza and beer and we'll meet you guys in half an hour."

"Sounds good."

"If Nick can make it past the stage door without getting stopped for twenty minutes like last time," Poussey said. "Man, those people were intense."

"That's what the security guards are for." Nicky grinned. "See ya."

She turned to leave the dressing room, Poussey trailing behind and finally, for the first time in hours, Alex and Piper were alone.

Alex watched silently, arms crossed in front of her chest as Piper methodically picked up each and every item that lay on her make up station and placed it in her kit with such painful percision, it could not have been more obvious she was doing so to avoid Alex all together.

The other woman had had enough. "For fucks sake!" she exploded, striding across the roon. "This is getting kind of ridiculous, don't you think?"

Piper glanced up. "I'm not sure what you mean," she replied evenly. "Is there a problem?"

"Yes, there's a problem. You're the one who wanted to have a discussion but you haven't said two fucking words to me all night."She pursed her lips. God, she sounded like a whiny bitch. _Get a hold of yourself, Vause, Jesus._

"Oh I'm sorry, I was concentrating on performing. I thought that's what we were doing out there."

"And I don't know what I did for you to act like a condescending bitch." Alex retorted hotly. "You wanna talk and not get into it, you can call me." She picked up her bag and turned on her heel to go, practically sprinting down the long hallway, past the security guard that was waiting to escort her out, out the stage door, past waiting fans, and down the street.

Catching her breath, she paused outside the Red line stop. Thankfully, a train had just come by so the entrance was empty. She still was in her full concert look so odds were she would've been recognized. After the frustrating non conversation with Piper, talking to a gushing fan would've put her over the edge.

Now she wasn't so much pissed as perplexed. One minute, the blonde was kissing her, the next minute, it was like she wanted Alex wiped off the face of the earth. It was a confusing situation to be sure, but she wasn't into games and it wasn't something she was going to stay and deal with.

"Alex, wait."

Standing behind her was Piper, in a tank top and shorts, her face clear of make-up, looking incredibly young. And incredibly remorseful.

"You were right," She touched Alex's shoulder. "I was being a condescending bitch. And you don't deserve that. Can we talk? Please?"

Her blue eyes were sincere and the guitarist felt her steely resolve melting. "Yeah. Let's go."

Alex hailed one of the cabs that had parked near the train stop and they jumped in, not talking but by now, all of Alex's anger toward the other woman had dissolved. She could feel her apprehension and more than once, she wanted to grab her hand and tell her everything was fine before she remembered she was the reason for Piper's nerves.

They reached the hotel and Alex paid for the cab. "Meet me in my room in ten minutes. I'll text Nicky and tell her they don't have to rush back."

"OK," she agreed softly and they parted ways, Alex taking the elevator while she opted for the stairs.

Alex had just enough time to scrub her face clean and change back into her jeans and tank top before there was a knock on the door almost exactly ten minutes later.

"Hey," Piper walked into the room and sat down on the bed, crossing her legs.

"Hey."

"Are you uh...going to sit?"

Alex realized she was still standing and shrugged sheepishly. "Oh...uh, yeah." She sat in the desk chair across from the bed. "So..." she began awkwardly.

"So..." Piper looked down at her feet. "Look, Alex," she rushed ahead, "I don't really know what I'm doing here. I mean, what I'm trying to say. I...I don't follow my instincts all the time...but...when I kissed you..." Her eyes darkened. "It felt right. Obviously, this was after I overanalyzed everything to death, every conversation we had, every time you touched me. And yes, I thought about Larry too and I love him very much," Piper brought her hand to her lips almost unconsciously. " But I can't stop thinking about you."

"Pipes," Alex sighed, "You have a crush. But have you been with another woman before? It's more than just-"

"Oh no. No." Piper protested, shaking her head. "You do not get to label my feelings just because you're uncomfortable."

"That's not what-"

"Yes you were."

"You said you were confused."

"I am confused. Because I'm engaged, Al. I'm confused as hell to where Larry fits in with all of this but I'm not...it's not because you're a woman. I'm not having some sexual identity crisis. And it's not like I can control it." Piper's gaze bore into hers. "I guess the question is...how do you feel? Is this whole thing totally one sided? Because if it is, I'll pack all this shit away in the back of my head and I will move on, I promise." She let out a strained breath. "But I have to know, Alex. Either way. Because tonight, not being able to look at you during the concert because I was so fucking afraid? It was killing me."

There comes a time in everyone's life when a book of revelations is opened and a person has the choice of accepting them or shoving them back down, never to be thought or felt or uttered again. Alex swallowed hard and forced herself to study the woman sitting across from her. Piper was physically beautiful, that was a given, but as Alex's book of revelations flew wide open, she realized the singer, in a week's time, had settled into her heart, into a place that she'd forever closed off. And it should've felt foreign and scary but it didn't.

"Piper," she heard herself whisper in a voice that was not her own, "You don't have to ask."

"I don't?" Piper was small and uncertain and Alex shook her head, her eyes dancing behind her glasses.

"No. Look at me."

Slowly, obeying, the other woman lifted her head, her eyes scanning Alex's face. And then, she grinned, a grin so genuine, she glowed from it. "Come here," she commanded quietly.

There was something in her tone that made Alex listen and she rose from her chair to sit beside her. They sat, ummoving, until Piper picked up her hand and took it in hers, running her fingertips over Alex's.

"You know," The brunette studied their intertwined fingers, "It's not just Larry and you being engaged. It's everything...things are bound to get messy."

"I can't think about that though. All I can think about is you," she confessed. "All. The. Time. And I probably should feel weird admitting that or guilty...but I don't. Not right now. My whole life, Al, up until I decided I wanted to play music, was about being what everyone else wanted me to be. Who everyone else wanted me to be. My parents, my professors, society...even Larry has certain expectations. But not you. Never you. Wanting you...it makes me feel free."

"Pipes," Alex said again, this time reaching forward and cupping her face in her hands, "This is a bad, bad idea."

"Mmm," Piper agreed breathlessly. "Then why doesn't it feel that way?"

Instead of answering, Alex pressed her lips against hers and kissed her hungrily, banning all thoughts from her head that didn't involve Piper and her lips that tasted of vanilla gloss and the swell of her breast under her tank top as Alex gently cupped it and how damn good it felt to touch her.

 _A really, really bad, bad idea,_ she thought as she moved her lips down Piper's neck, making the other woman moan as she reached the hollow of her throat.

 _Fuck it._


	16. Chapter 16

"They're going to be here soon," Alex murmured against Piper's collarbone, eliciting low, throaty moans from the other woman. Piper was practically in her lap, one hand tangled in Alex's hair, the other under her shirt, toying with the hooks on her bra.

"Let's just be really quiet...they'll think we're not here," she replied huskily, snaking her hand around to rest it on Alex's hip.

"Mhmm, don't think that'll work."

"Probably not. C'mere." Gently, she pushed the other woman backward onto the bed so that she was on top of her.

"Pipes-" It was meant to be a warning but the blonde had buried her face in Alex's neck, concentrating on sucking and kissing the sensitive skin there and all coherent thought went out the window. They were entering into dangerous territory and if Alex had been thinking rationially, she would've realized their friends were bound to arrive any minute, unannounced, and the door wasn't locked and even if it had been, Nicky had her other key card.

The singer either didn't hear the underlying messege in her tone indicating they should probably cool it or she just didn't care because she brought her head back up to meet Alex's lips again, kissing her as if she'd been stuck in the desert for weeks and had just now found water.

Truth be told, it was difficult for Alex to recall why she'd warned her in the first place. Piper's hot kisses and the curves and contours of her body as Alex ran her hands over the warm, pale skin underneath her shirt, her breasts pressed flush against hers...all of it was making Alex's brain fuzzy. It was a pleasant fuzz, like cotton candy and she found herself dizzy with desire. It wasn't often that she allowed herself to _want_ so fiercely but she God help her, she wanted Piper.

"Yo, Vause? You decent?"

"Shit," Reluctantly, they seperated, Alex helping Piper to a sitting position. "She's gonna know," The brunette whispered, taking one look at Piper's dishelved hair and how her eyes were glassy with desire.

"I'm coming in, man! We got hot pizza and cold beer."

"Bathroom," Alex mouthed and Piper nodded, sneaking one single, fleeting kiss before she left the room, closing the bathroom door behind her.

Stealing a glance in the mirror, Alex quickly smoothed down her own wild hair, taking a few deep breaths to slow down her racing heart. There was no time to analyze what had just happened or what was about to happen next before she yelled, "Coming!" and opened the door.

"Hey," Poussey greeted as they stepped into the room. "You ok, Vause?" she asked.

"Yeah? Why?"

"Nah, man, nothin, you just look a little flushed, that's all."

"Uh, I got into the mini bar," Alex fibbed, making room on the desk for the pizzas. "Couldn't wait for you guys."

"Uh huh," Nicky eyed her suspiciously, setting the beer down, "Hey, where's Chapman? She knows she's gotta be here."

"Hi," Piper greeted, coming out of the bathroom. "I got here just before you guys," Her voice betrayed none of what had occured five minutes prior and Alex marveled at what a good liar she was.

"Hmm, surprised we didn't see you in the elevator," The bassist tossed her a beer. "Drink up, kid."

"I took the stairs. Thanks," she gestured with the bottle. "And for the pizza too. I'm starving."

"Get some," Poussey opened the boxes. "We got pepperoni and bacon with onions and pineapple for Vause over there with her nasty ass topping choices."

"Fuck you. It's amazing," she told Piper.

"Yeah, I think I'll take your word for it," She laughed, reaching for a slice of pepperoni.

"You're totally missing out, Pipes."

Nicky took a pause from shoveling her own slice in her mouth and stared. "Now you two are best fucking friends? An hour ago, you were barely speaking."

"We worked it out, OK? Whatta you guys wanna watch? We can order a movie..." Nicky knew her too well not to realize she was changing the subject and she knew, without a doubt, it would arouse the other woman's suspicions.

They managed to settle (amidst much heated debate), on The Conjuring 2 and they took their pizza and beers over to Alex's bed, Poussey and Nicky settling back near the headboard while Alex and Piper stretched out across the foot.

"You OK?" It was only fifteen minutes into the movie and Piper was watching from the crook of her arm, eyes not entirely open. ''You're scared." The realization dawned on Alex and she couldn't help but smile. It was pretty damn cute.

"You don't have to announce it," She whispered self consciously.

"Why didn't you say you don't like horror movies?" Alex questioned, her eyes twinkling. "We could have watched something else."

"Because it's embarrassing. Like how old am I?"

"If we were alone, I'd totally take advantage of you being so freaked out," Alex leaned in to speak lowly into her ear.

"Really...and how would you do that?" Piper had moved in towards her so that their foreheads were nearly touching. Her nearness and the sexy, gentle, teasing caused heat to pool between her legs and she silently cursed herself for suggesting they all hang out in her room.

"Well, for one thing, you'd definitely be watching the movie in my lap," she smirked, as the blonde bit down hard on her lower lip. Alex decided she liked watching cool, calm, and collected Piper come undone by her words alone. Maybe because it was just too easy.

"Is that so?"

"Mhmm," Alex confirmed softly, "Even though I doubt we'd see much of it." She stifled a laugh as Piper blushed.

""Oh you're going down for that," she recovered quickly.

"Wasn't that the plan?" Alex arched an eyebrow. "Sorry, Pipes, but you set yourself up with that one."

"Hey!" Nicky piped up from behind them. "There's a movie going on in case you guys haven't noticed."

"And hasn't ya'lls mama's ever told you it ain't polite to whisper? You better let us in on the secret." The drummer chimed in, taking a long swig of beer.

"No secrets," Alex made some room between them and twisted around to look at her friends. "Chapman was just telling me she hates horror movies."

"Ass," Piper nudged her with her foot. "Told you not to say anything."

"Yo, it's all good. Nichols is afraid of fuckin' clowns. We went to the circus once and she hid in the bathroom till they were gone." Poussey giggled.

"Shut up," Nicky protested over their laughter. "Those motherfuckers are terrifying. One word, man, Penneywise. That'd make anyone fucking afraid of clowns."

"Anyway," Alex said pointedly, "I told she should've said something."

"No way. This fucking shit is amazing. Chapman, pass me another beer, will ya?"

Piper complied and grabbed another for herself. "It's all good. We can keep watching."

"Thanks for your permission, princess. Now can everyone just shut up so I can hear what the fuck is happening?" Nicky settled back against the head board, crossing her arms over her chest in a way Alex knew she meant business.

For the rest of the movie, everyone was quiet, except for the occasional ribbing of Piper who continued to watch with one hand over her eyes when things got too intense for her. Once, during a particular frightening moment, she buried her face in Alex's shoulder and she felt Nicky tap her calf with her foot.

 _She definitely knows something's up._ Logically, it shouldn't have mattered if her bandmates knew something had finally happened between them because Alex was pretty sure Nicky would've said, "It's about fucking time, man", and Poussey along the lines of "I told you, yo."

The problem at hand was she couldn't explain exactly what was going on, where they stood. She had finally allowed herself to acknowledge her feelings and she knew Piper's feelings but that was where it ended. There was no clear cut definition of what they were, where they were headed or where the hell the Larry issue fit in with everything. Alex could only define want. And desire. And lust. And affection. She _liked_ Piper. She liked how she was tough and soft and vunerable at the same time. She liked how she could hold her own but she still needed reassurance. She liked how she was insanely gifted and she could've easily stolen the show when she was on stage but she was also insanely generous to her bandmates, relishing them as teammates. And she liked, no she loved, how incredibly passionate Piper was about music, like she couldn't do anything else. And though their differences were glaringly obvious, Alex hadn't ever met anyone who held the same devotion to her craft as she did.

The end credits rolled and Alex turned over onto her back. Nicky was sprawled across Poussey, her head in her lap and the drummer was absentmindly playing with her hair. Piper had apparently noticed too because she shot Alex a quizzical look.

"Vause," Nicky yawned suddenly, springing up, "Let's go get ice."

"For what?"

"Because you can always use ice, I dunno, man, just come with me."

Alex sighed. "You're so weird," but she rose. "Be right back, ladies."

They shut the door behind them, Nicky pulling her by the hand down the hall, into the alcove with vending machines and the ice machine.

"Dude," The brunette put her hands on her hips, "We didn't grab an ice bucket. Since we're supposed to be "getting ice"and everything."

"We're not really getting ice, dumb ass." Nicky leaned up against the machine. "I just wanted to talk to you alone."

"No shit," Alex replied, rolling her eyes. "So talk."

"What's going on with you and Blondie, huh? Cuz I had a feeling you guys were gonna start going at it any minute."

"Nothing's going on."

"Bullshit, dude. I'm not blind. I saw the way you were looking at each other."

Alex snorted. "You're one to talk. What's going on with you and Poussey, huh? Because you guys looked pretty friendly."

Nicky shrugged. "Yeah, cuz we're friends."

"She's my friend too but I don't go around putting my head in her lap, dude." Alex retorted.

"Don't try to change the subject," Nicky pointed a finger at her, "This is about you and Chapman."

Alex couldn't help but notice the bassist had a light blush spread across her face when she'd called her out and she made a mental note to ask Piper later if Poussey had said anything.

"Look," Alex exhaled,"I'm into her. Like really into her. _Don't_ fucking repeat that. And tonight, before you guys got here, I found out she feels the same way."

"Holy shit, dude."Her friend's eyes widened. "Whatta gonna do?"

"I don't know. Things are just really messy."

"Cuz of the fiancee?"

"Among other things, yeah. But even if she breaks things off, and I'm not asking her to, if we did get together and then everything went to shit and she left...where would that leave us? Not gonna fuck you guys over. I'm not gonna-"

"Do what I did?" Nicky supplied quietly. "Look, I fucked everything up, I know I did and I'm fucking sorry. You know I am."

"I know," She softened, reaching out to touch Nicky's shoulder. "I'm not blaming you for anything, Nick. She's the one who left. All you did was fall in love with her."

"Big fucking mistake."

"Yeah well, you can't control shit like that."

"Exactly. Which is why I'm telling you to watch it. Not cuz of the rest of us or cuz you want us to be the biggest fucking band in the world. Because I love you, asshole. And I don't wanna see you get hurt."

Vulnerable Nicky was rare and Alex couldn't help but be touched by her friend's words. "Thanks, man. I love you too. But I'm a big girl, Nick."

"Straight girls will fuck you up." She shook her head. "She made me fucking crazy, dude. You know. You were there. And I'm still not-"

"Piper is not Lorna. And weren't you the one who told me to sleep with her?"

"Sleep with her. By all means, sleep with her. But just be careful. Ok? That's all I'm saying." She poked her in the side. "I'm not as nice as you. She hurts you, I'm gonna have to kill her."

They returned to the room and neither woman commemted that they were gone for far longer tjan they should have been or the fact they didn't return with ice. Instead, Poussey put her cell into Alex's hand excitedly.

"Yo, The Tribune review."

Alex's eyes scanned it, Nicky reading it over her shoulder. " Let's see...he said we sound cohesive and we play with passion." She continued reading. "He loved the songs..."Alex looked to Piper who hadn't said anything. "And he went nuts over you, Pipes. She read aloud, "The new lead singer, Piper Chapman, replacing Lorna Morello, may be a newcomer to the indie rock circuit but she captivates the audience with a quiet power and a voice that could draw comparisons to Annie Clark or Florence Welch, but is entirely her own. Whereas Morello was all spunk and fire in a tiny package, Chapman, a tall, statuesque blonde, seems almost standoffish when she first steps on stage. The second she opens her mouth, the audience is gifted with a rich, pure honesty that is evident in softer songs like "Inevitable" and "I Just Can't Help It" but also a steely determination in the more raucous ones. She's definitely a force to be reckoned with and the band struck gold when they found her."

Piper's expression remained unreadable and Nicky hit her arm. "Dude! Why the fucking grim face? If that wasn't an ass kissing, I don't know what is. We fucking rocked that shit. And we'll do the same thing in Dallas."

"What's up, Pipes?" Alex asked. "It's a good review."

The blonde pushed herself to a sitting position. "And I'm glad, especially when he said he liked the songs because I think you guys are both wonderful writers. But it's a fucking lot to live up to...I mean he compared me to Florence. That's insane."

"Why is it insane? You're incredible. And you've worked hard for this. It's what you deserve."

"I won't let it get to my head." Piper promised, finally smiling slightly. "But...do you guys think I come across as standoffish, like he said?"

No one spoke. "Uh," Nicky turned away, scratching her head. "Do you want me to answer with like...the truth truth?"

"You do!" Piper looked crestfallen and Alex chuckled gently and shook her head.

"I mean, yeah, a little, maybe when we first met you. But no one thinks so anymore, Piper," she reassured her. "And you really only come across that way to people because you're beautiful and put together and so sure of yourself. Totally not your fault."

"Yeah?"

"Vause is on point. Anyway, it doesn't matter...you one of us now." Poussey slung an arm over Piper's shoulder, grinning. "Fuck what anybody else has to say."

The blonde smiled in return. "You guys are- Seriously, auditioning for this band was the best thing I ever did."

"Really?" Nicky smirked, "The best thing you ever did, huh?"

"Ok, one of the best things I ever did."

Poussey stood and stretched. "Yo, it's like 1:30. We gotta get our asses on that bus in six hours. Let's go and let Vause get some sleep or else Nick's gonna have to buy her ass a coffee again."

"Yeah, yeah," Nicky grumbled, grabbing the six pack of empty beer bottles and another slice of pizza. "See ya, man. Hey, Chapman, you coming?"

"I'm gonna talk to Alex about something first. You don't have to wait for me. See you guys in a few hours."

If the singer noticed the knowing look Nick and Poussey exchanged over her head, she didn't let on. "If that's cool with you," she directed toward Alex.

"Uh, yeah. Totally cool. Night, guys."

"Don't stay up too late now," Nicky winked, shutting the door behind them. Alex could hear their laughter travelling down the hallway and she reddened.

"Al," Piper walked over to where she was standing, "Maybe we should-"

"Call it a night?" Alex filled in. Truthfully, she was relieved. Putting a little time in between what had nearly happened had slightly cooled her insane hormones, or at least it had taken the edge off enough not to act with her pussy instead of her brain. "Look, Piper, we probably shouldn't be rushing into anything. We should probably take the time to figure out what all this stuff means."

"And rationally, I know you're probably right. And I don't want to hurt anybody here...Larry, you, possibly myself. But now you know how I feel and I know how you feel and if Nicky and Poussey hadn't walked in I would've just stopped thinking all together." Piper's eyes darted over her face, zoning in on her lips and Alex took a deep breath.

"I know. Me too." She focused on her bare feet. "I think we should sleep on it. "

"Because you don't want to make a mistake?"

"No," Alex replied intently, "Because I don't want _you_ to." She couldn't bring herself to bridge the small gap between them, to touch her, not yet, not until there was the safe distance of five floors. "Do you trust me?" She asked Piper quietly.

"Yes." Her reply was barely above a whisper and Alex could see that she was trembling.

"It's going to be OK. Alright? I'll see you on the bus and we'll talk about all this before we hit Dallas."

"OK," she agreed, resigned. "OK." Leaning in, she kissed Alex on the cheek. "Good night." And with that, Piper left.

Alex lay down on the bed, her hair fanned out on the down pillows. She'd done the right thing, no, the only thing she'd been able to do but for the life of her, she couldn't figure out why she still felt like shit. Sleeping with Piper before they sorted out details of the whole insane mess would've been a mistake. Once they crossed that line, there was absolutely no going back. Shutting her eyes, Alex attempted to hit pause on her spinning thoughts and knock out.

Fifteen minutes later, she inexplicably found herself on the tenth floor, rapping on the door, once and then twice, her heart doing a tango inside her chest.

"Alex?" Piper was clearly taken aback to see her as she unlatched the chain. "What are you doing here?" She'd changed into pajamas, her blonde hair secured in a messy bun on top of her head.

Once again (and it was becoming a habit since they'd met), Alex found herself at a loss for words. Sitting down on the armchair across from Piper's position on the bed, she shrugged helplessly.

"I don't know. I know we were gonna talk later but..."

"But there's clearly something you need to say now so..."

"I'm tired of thinking,"Alex exhaled. "Like so fucking tired of it. I just want to _feel._ And I can rationalize and overanalyze this into the ground...but the way you make me feel, Piper...I want you. I want you so fucking much. The other shit, we can figure out later."

"Thought you'd never ask," Piper got up and not so gingerly sat on Alex's lap. "Sorry,' she giggled when the brunette groaned. She pressed a kiss to the corner of her mouth. "I want you too, Al. I think I've wanted you from the moment I met you."

Piper lay kisses on her jawline, her neck, and finally, on her lips, as Alex placed two hands on both sides of her waist.

Their tounges danced and she moaned into Piper's mouth, all bets off. Breaking away, breathing heavily, she brought the other woman's face up so that she could look into her eyes. "Just gonna ask one more time. You sure?"

Piper's blue eyes were warm as she pulled Alex to her again. "Shut up."


	17. Chapter 17

_Authors Note- This chapter is rated M for some light smut. Be warned._

Alex had allowed herself to fantasize about a naked Piper on one occasion and one occasion only since they'd met. She certainly didn't have the libido of a teenage boy like Nicky did but she was only human and the image of the blonde in just a bra in panties in her bed the night she'd gotten drunk, coupled with not having had sex for a month, had been too much to take and she'd desperately needed release.

But no fantasy could hold a candle to Piper standing in front of her, stripped bare, of not just her clothing, but standing in front of Alex completely trusting and open. There was no hesitation as she came toward her and there was no question in Alex's mind then that this was absolutely what Piper wanted.

The sight of her nearly took Alex's breath away. Piper was all smooth, creamy skin, and slim curves and supple breasts and she hummed contently as the brunette caressed the length of her body. She had to remind herself not to rush, to relish every inch of Piper and ignore the ache between her own legs as she concentrated on showing her exactly how she felt. Words seemed inadequate and clumsy but her hands and mouth could say far more.

As Alex moved her fingers down the curve of the other woman's hipbone, she paused. Green eyes connected with blue and wordlessly, Piper nodded.

"Please," she added, a slight pleading to her tone and Alex swallowed hard, taken aback at how stunning she was at that moment. Her hair was wild and her lips were swollen and her eyes were dark with need. There was just no way Alex could not give her what she asked for.

Alex's fingers grazed Piper's sex, and she was a little startled at how wet she was, the mere fact turning her on even more. She traced light, deliberate circles on her clit, and Piper moaned, arching against her fingers.

"Please." There was that word again, said against Alex's mouth as Piper nipped at her lower lip. By now, the brunette was almost unbearably soaked and Piper's sounds of pleasure weren't exactly helping her cause.

Sliding two curved fingers in, Alex felt Piper instantly tighten around them. "God, Alex," she whispered, closing her eyes. This gave her the go to move a little faster, thrusting a little deeper as she pressed a heated kiss to her neck.

Piper bucked her hips wildly and Alex leaned down to take the other woman's nipple into her mouth. That was enough to nearly send her over the edge but she continued to move with Alex, obviously getting dangerously close.

"Look at me," Alex demanded softly, and Piper obeyed, her eyes completely glazed over with passion. Instantly, Alex felt the impending explosion as the other woman threw her head back as pure pleasure took over her body.

"Al," Piper managed when she could speak again. "I..."

"Shhh," Alex said wickedly, putting a finger to her lips, "Not done yet."

A few hours later (Alex hadn't bothered to look at the clock but it was bound to have been close to five a.m), Piper was contentedly tucked into her side. She had definitely broken her own rules; no cuddling, no basking in the afterglow, no sleepovers. (No way could she work up the energy to go back to her own room.)

"You're so fucking gorgeous," The blonde murmured lazily and Alex raised her eyebrow. "What? You are," she smiled, intertwining their fingers.

"Sorry. You just sounded so un Piper like."

"Most people just say thank you." Piper teased. "Seriously, I mean I knew how beautiful you are, obviously...I have eyes. But like...seeing all of you..."

Normally, Alex would've given her a hard time but Piper was so adorably earnest she could do nothing but lay a tiny kiss on her knuckles. "I could say the same thing, Pipes."

That made a slight pink blush rise in Piper's cheeks and she hesitated.

"What's up?"

"Was it OK? I've never...I mean, I didn't really know what I was doing."

Since the singer had come into her life, Alex had gotten small glimpses into the real Piper. The woman who wasn't completely self-assured and in control. She got the impression Piper didn't show this side to everyone and suddenly she was hyper aware of what a precious gift it was. Which also made her incredibly fucking anxious because Alex often spoke out without thinking, a trait which tended to get her into trouble.

"Piper," She heard herself saying, her gaze meeting the other woman's, "You knew what you were doing, OK? Trust me."

And it was true. She'd needed a little initial guidance but as soon as Alex told her what felt good, she'd been an incredibly quick study. It had turned her on to know how much Piper wanted to please her, even though she'd assured her she didn't have to reciprocate. But Piper had insisted and Alex wasn't at all surprised she'd gone down on her with the same passion she exhibited when she sang. If there was one thing she was absolutely certain of, it was that Piper Chapman didn't do anything half assed.

"You good?" The brunette pressed a kiss to the top of her head.

"I can't move now but yeah, I'm good. Better than good. Amazing." Piper nudged her lightly. "But you've probably heard that before."

"Not polite to kiss and tell, kid."

"Uh huh," Piper shifted so that she could look at her. "So this, this is a game changer, isn't it?"

Alex nodded slowly. "Yeah. I think so."

"Where do we go from here?"

"I don't really have an answer to that, Piper," She sighed. "I mean, I don't think we really need to have one right now...not at five a.m., anyway. We could go to sleep for like two hours and then we can figure things out."

"Of course. Absolutely. Sorry, overthinking is like, my thing," she chuckled. "I drive Larry-" Instantly, she stopped in her tracks, realizing her mistake.

"It's fine," Alex rubbed her shoulder. "He still exists, Pipes. And yeah, eventually, we're gonna have to discuss him. But for now..."

"Sleep." Piper supplied gratefully. "Uh...do you want to stay here? I know we only have a little time before we have to be up anyway but..."

Once again, Alex was slightly disarmed by her fumbling when she was used to the blonde being so certain and once again, she found it completely charming. "I wasn't planning on going anywhere. Come here." Pulling Piper in closer, she spooned her, resting her chin on the other woman's head.

 _Yup, totally broke all my own damn rules,_ she thought, suddenly drowsy from sex and Piper's warmth. Piper, for her part, had fallen asleep almost the instant Alex had enveloped her body. It all felt totally good and totally right and then and there Alex decided she'd worry about the shitstorm later because Piper was asleep in her arms and she smelled like Alex and vanilla and her own sexy musk and her brain and her body were a pile of useless goo and it literally hurt to think of anything else.

In two hours, she'd shower in her own room and meet her in the lobby with coffees she'd just bought(knowing that Piper took hers with only a splash of milk and three sugars), and they'd board the bus and sit together in the back and no one would know what they'd done, except them. And it'd be a big, beautiful secret and they'd enjoy that fact, knowing fully well it wouldn't be discreet for much longer.

But Alex was content to live in that singular moment. Because she felt alive, from the top of her head to the tips of her toes in a way she hadn't felt in a very, very long time, possibly ever. Because Piper was the best drug she'd ever had, she was what Alex felt like when she played, she was everything.

She absolutely wouldn't think of what it would feel like the day she got her fucking heart broken.


	18. Chapter 18

She'd thought they'd discuss it on the bus but they slept instead and when they weren't sleeping, they were watching movies on Alex's laptop, Piper resting her head on her shoulder, feet tucked underneath her.

They didn't discuss it once they hit Dallas either. Once they'd checked into the hotel, everyone headed to their respective rooms to relax, making a plan to meet up for dinner at the Mexican resturant next door.

And they didn't discuss it at dinner but Piper sat next to her. They split a giant burrito plate and Piper kept making their knees brush under the table and sneaking little secret smiles at her when she thought no one was looking. Having something be just between them was nice and Alex certainly didn't feel the immediate need to change it, regardless of any talk they had to have.

Nicky didn't seem to notice anything amiss because she was too busy doing shots of tequila with Poussey who, Alex observed, had put in an extra effort to look nice. The drummer was an attractive woman naturally but she'd put subtle make up on, done her hair and was wearing fitted jeans that she was pretty sure were new and Alex couldn't help but wonder if it was for Nick's benefit after the strange conversation they'd had in the ice machine room.

"You look beautiful tonight," Piper smiled at Poussey and the drummer blushed a little. _Damn,_ Alex thought, _Interesting._

"Thanks," She replied lightly, turning her attention back to her liquor. "Yo, I don't think I can do any more of this shit. Cheap tequila gives you a mad hangover."

"So let's go grab a bottle of Patron and bring it back to my room," Nicky shrugged. "Vause, Chapman, you guys game?"

Immediately, Alex saw the look on Poussey's face and quickly shook her head. "I'll pass. Early day tomorrow, remember?"

"Yeah, me too. I'm just gonna crash." Piper agreed, sipping her margarita. Alex had teased her when she'd ordered it, asking if the amount of tequila she'd consumed last weekend wasn't enough to turn her off the shit altogether but she'd flipped her off, a gesture that'd earned cheers from Nicky and Poussey. Alex had been relentless though and even more so when the waitess brought Piper a drink the size of her head. The blonde had grinned. "Everything's bigger in Texas."

"Whatever. C'mon, man. You're driving," She tossed the keys over to Poussey, throwing down money. "Shit, Chapman's right. You look hot as hell."

This time the drummer did not blush but took Nicky by the hand. "Let's go."

"Wow," Piper turned to Alex when they left the restaurant, "What do you think is going on there?"

"Nick says they're just friends but it doesn't seem that way to me."

"Do you think they're sleeping together? I mean, don't you think it's kind of weird they were so cuddly during the movie and now Poussey is putting on make up? It doesn't add up."

"Do you think they think we're sleeping together?"

Piper half smiled. "We are sleeping together. I mean we slept together." She stopped, searching Alex's eyes with her own. "Now is probably a good time to talk, huh?"

"About us? Or Nicky and Poussey?" Alex smirked coyly and Piper smacked her arm.

"Jerk. My room or yours?"

Piper's face was innocent but her tone had the slightest suggestive lilt, so subtle that Alex might of missed it. She felt the heat rushing to her face and she had to shake her head. "I don't think that's a good idea, Pipes. The truth is," she lowered her voice, leaning in, if we're alone, I don't think I'm going to be able to keep my hands off you."

Sucking in a tight breath, Piper downed the rest of her drink and set down the glass. "Good point."

"OK then," Alex turned to make sure they could talk without being interrupted. "Excuse me," she called, signaling their waitress. "Hi, I'd like to pay now," she handed her the check along with a wad of bills, "but we need the table to talk privately for just a few minutes."

The waitress, a middle aged woman with big hair and red lipstick glanced down at the generous tip and nodded. "Shouldn't be a problem, darlin'. Not too busy tonight. I'll leave you girls to it."

When she cleared the table, Alex folded her hands in front of her. "This is awkward. I mean not this...sitting right next to you." She moved to occupy Nicky's empty seat across from Piper. "Better. OK..." she trailed off. Shit, it was hard to focus when Piper looked so good. She wore a strapless black and white patterned jumpsuit she'd picked up in Chicago with wedge sandals and Alex was having a difficult time not staring at her chest.

"Larry called," The blonde glanced down at the table. "While I was resting. He wanted to know how things are going...and he also wanted me to make some wedding decisions."

"And what did you say?" She struggled to stay neutral. The pressure Larry was putting on Piper pissed her off and she acknowledged some of it was personal now.

"I said everything was good but I couldn't really talk about wedding stuff right now and I'd call him later." Piper twirled her engagement ring around her finger as she spoke. "You know what I feel really shitty about? The fact I'm not guilty like I thought I would be. I cheated, Alex. I should be like, wallowing in regret right now...but I'm not. And I don't know what that means."

"Pipes..." Alex began carefully, "I can't tell you-I won't tell you what to do. I know it's not a cut and dry thing. But you know where I stand on the whole issue. If marrying him doesn't feel right, then don't. Yes, I'm definitely saying it for purely selfish reasons but ultimately, you have to make that decision. No one else."

"I know and I hate lying," she sighed, reaching out to rest her hand on Alex's forearm. "The thing is," she bent her head in, "I don't want it to be a one time thing. Do you?"

Alex realized instantly it was her chance to jump in and end things before shit got extremely messy, before everything she worked so fucking hard for for so many years was compromised, before she fell any harder for Piper with her blye eyes that seemed like they could see directly into her soul. All it would take was for to open her mouth and say it could only ever be a one time thing. She'd hurt Piper and she'd suffer too and worst of all, she would be lying. A lying, coward and she didn't consider herself to be either. Still, Alex was well aware how much potential heartache she could save herself (and Piper) if she just stopped shit from spinning out of control then and there.

"No," Alex admitted, their eyes meeting. "I don't."

And with her admission, the singer beamed, her eyes crinkling in the corners as she smiled and Alex couldn't help but smile back.

"I think we should take it as it comes. No plans, no big decisions right now. We can do that, right?"

"I think so. And just so you know, I meant what I said on the bus to Chicago. I know this band is everything to you. There's nothing that's going to make me leave. I'm here as long as you guys will have me."

"I certainly fucking hope so. Your voice...man,that critic from the Tribune only touched on like a tenth of how incredible you are up there." Alex said. "Everyone is going to know who you are now, Piper. The record label wants another album so that'll put you completely out there. All good things."

"All good things," Piper echoed. "This whole week has been a dream...like it's happening finally when I thought it never would. And I owe it to you, Alex. If you hadn't taken a chance on me, even after I told you I didn't have any professional experience...I wouldn't be here right now. So thank you. And getting to know you, that's just made it even sweeter. You're an amazing person."

"Right back at you, kid." Her reply was casual but the way Piper was looking at her, coupled with her praise, had her heart beating fast. "So, are we good?"

"No big decisions right now. One step at a time. Right?"

"Yeah." Rising Alex gestured for her to do the same. "C'mon."

"Where are we going?"

"I wanna show you something," She took the singer by the hand and didn't let go as they strolled back to the hotel.

The midsummer night was quiet and cool and as they walked hand in hand, Alex felt a rush of happiness flow over her, unexpected and abrupt. It wasn't that she never allowed herself to experience joy. She had always had moments of fleeting happiness but they were all connected to music. Being in her mom's warm presence always automatically steadied her and melted her prickly exterior but that life had been hard with them struggling to make ends meet and Alex knowing how damn exhausted Diane was from supporting them alone. Being happy had been a difficult concept to grasp and the few times Alex felt like she could capture it, the feeling slipped out of her fingers.

She refused to allow herself to think about anything but the moment. How Piper's hand was warm tucked into hers. How they walked, side by side as if Piper's was hers and she was Piper's. She took the rush of happiness and grasped onto it with two hands, determined not to let it go. Not yet.

Piper held her hand in the elevator and still as they got off on the restaurant floor. "We just had dinner," she giggled as Alex led her in.

Putting a finger to her lips, she ordered two glasses of champagne from the bar and led them outside onto the terrace.

"God," Piper stood beside her as they set their drinks down on a nearby table. "This view..."

"Incredible, right? I came up for a drink earlier, before we all met for dinner. I think the food here is way overpriced but this is fucking beautiful."

The terrace overlooked the sprawling land, and the sun was just dipping below the horizon, its brilliant hues of oranges and pinks leaving them both in awstruck silent.

"Sunsets and sunrises never get old," Piper said quietly, leaning into Alex. "I must have seen them a million times but they always take my breath away."

"I used to sit on the hood of my car sometimes after a late gig with a coffee and just watch the sun come up. The band was just starting out and we were playing these tiny clubs and dive bars and we made shit money but...watching that sunrise, it was so peaceful, you know? And it's like I knew we were on the cusp of something. That we were going to be somebody."

"I wish I knew you back then. You definitely would've told me to stop being such a pussy about everything." She shrugged. "I was just so afraid of what people thought of me that I couldn't be authentic. It sucked."

Alex laughed. "Try to find any kid who's completely authentic, Pipes. I was so moody and emo, it was almost a joke. I fed into that persona because I thought that's who I was."

"So I'm getting to know the real Alex Vause?" Piper brushed their elbows, laughing when Alex grabbed her hand, managing to tickle her in the process.

"Flaws and all," She grabbed their champagne glasses with her unoccupied hand and gave Piper hers. "To the rest of the tour. And to taking it as it goes, no pressure."

"To this," Piper gestured around her. "And to you. I'm really glad you came into my life."

"Me too," Alex clinked her glass against Piper's. "Me too."


	19. Chapter 19

If ignorance was indeed bliss, then for the next two weeks, Alex basked in it. For the first time in her entire life, she elected to bury her head in the sand and not overthink the fact that eventually Piper would have to make a decision on how to handle the whole Larry situation. Yes, she realized it was slightly fucked up that Piper would answer his calls and make decisions about flowers or menus and end the night in her bed. But she had to remind herself she had told Piper not to make any life altering decisions right away, that they would take things slowly, that there was a very real possibility that in another month, they'd be back in New York and Piper would marry Larry and that would be it. She wasn't stupid or naive but it all felt damn good. And it wasn't just the amazing sex (though almost instantly she had discovered Piper craved it as much as she did and for someone with limited experience with women, she was more than eager to try new things), it was the way they connected; the talks they had in and out of bed, the way when she would cup the back of Piper's head in her hands, her fingers getting caught up in the hair at the nape of her neck, Piper let a small sigh escape from her lips, how sometimes they didn't speak for hours after sex, content to be tangled up together, limbs lazy, no desire to move from the warm safety their bodies created.

It was a million more tiny little things...Piper's high pitched laugh when she was nervous, in comparsion to the great belly laugh Alex got to hear so often, the type of giggle that was infectious and showed the dimples in her cheeks. How good she always smelled. How good she tasted. Alex was well aware she was in it, right over her head, but she was drunk on Piper, how Piper made her feel. She thought she might've finally gotten what her mom meant when she said, "The heart wants what it wants, Al," all the time when she was younger. Back then, she thought that the whole notion was horse shit, a convenient excuse for making stupid decisions but now it made complete sense. Her head was thinking of the band, always, but her heart, her heart, was slowly becoming captive to sweet smiles that never failed to make her melt, the feel of fingertips that gently grazed her pulse points to get her attention and the rambling tales of a girl who had grown up in a family with privilege but not much warmth.

Before Piper, her nights had consisted of playing a show, eating with the girls, and picking up a reasonably attractive woman to have sex with. There was nothing lonely or sad about it, in spite of not having any emotional connection to any of them. She liked sex, she was good at it , and after a show, the adrenaline was still pumping through her veins and she had to do something to expend the rest of it or else falling asleep proved difficult. The whole thing worked, even if it was only because she had no idea what she was missing. Who she was missing. Now her days were filled with traveling and practice and interviews and lunches and the nights were what she lived for. To be on stage in different cities, the lights hitting her hard as she played, reveling in how they all were in complete synchronicity with each other, something they hadn't been able to achieve in years. Her eyes would meet Piper's and everything else became background. If it was band night, they would dutifully hang out with Poussey and Nicky and then Alex would finally get her alone. And it was one day, after waking up with Piper in her arms, she realized it was difficult to recall a time where she had slept alone because it felt as natural as breathing.

It was one such lazy Sunday morning in Seattle after a particularly raucous show (Alex was incredibly thankful they had a rare two day gap in between traveling), they had slept in and as Piper kissed the space between her neck and shoulders, she was hit squarely once again with the truth of how very much she didn't want this to end.

"We should get room service," Alex murrmured, not wanting to turn over just yet as the blonde ran her hands up and down her back unhurriedly, massaging the skin there. "Mmmm, Pipes...that feels nice."

"We're meeting the guys for brunch," She reminded her but continued kneading Alex's flesh beneath her fingers, placing soft kisses where her hands had been.

"So we'll cancel." Alex knew for certain how things would end if Piper kept touching her and it certainly wouldn't include brunch plans.

"We cancelled already last week, remember? And then we were late to that meeting with Red."

"Oh yeah. She was so fucking pissed." Alex shrugged. "Whatever. She'll get over it." She failed to mention that Red had taken her outside while Piper was on the phone with Larry and cornered her. "You're not fooling anyone, Vause," She had hissed, all but grabbing her by her collar. "Do you think I'm stupid? I have eyes. I know something fishy is going on with you and Chapman and if you're smart, you'll end it, understand? She's all anyone is talking about nowadays and I can't risk losing her. Besides," Her eyes bore into Alex, "I don't want another Nicky on my hands. One emotional mess is enough for me."

"God, I'm so touched you care. I'm a big girl, Red," She had retorted. " I know what I'm doing, OK?"

They had ended it at that but Alex couldn't help but seethe a little over Red jumping into her personal shit under the guise of it being her business because it affected the band. She had gotten smack in the middle of the whole Lorna and Nicky diaster too and her meddling had only added fuel to the fire. As far as she was concerned, the less the manager knew about what went on outside of closed doors, the better.

Piper made idle, deliberate circles on the small of her back, sweeping up to her shoulder blades. Her fingertips traced Alex's salt shaker and the other woman groaned lowly as she dragged her fingernails lightly over the raised ink. "Tell me about this one." She placed a quick kiss to the tattoo. "We never got to it..."

"God, you're demanding," Alex shook her head, "You're lucky you're cute, Chapman, do you know that?"

"You love it. Please?"

She turned over, taking Piper with her. "Not much of a story."

"Hmmm, still. I think it's my favorite."

"Oh yeah?" She smiled, propping herself up on an elbow. "OK then, So...I kind of lost my way for awhile. When I was younger. "

"Mmmm," Piper reached out to touch her cheek. "I've been there."

"I never really knew my father. I mean, I knew who he was, but I never-he sang for Death Maiden."

"I don't know who that is."

"Yeah, not many people do anymore. They were big in the 80's. Anyway, my mom was at one of their concerts when she was nineteen, slept with him after the show and got knocked up. He took off after like, two days. My mom never told him about me. We struggled through on our own and I was angry. Alot. I didn't get why she didn't just tell him about me. So we didn't have to decide between groceries or electricity that month and Mom didn't have to bust her ass, working three jobs just to get by."

"That must have sucked, knowing he was out there..."

"It was hard," She admitted, "But my mom, she was adamant I didn't try to contact him. I told her she was being kinda selfish. I thought I was a badass back then. I used to steal her cigarettes, little punk ass shit like that..anyway, the day after I turned eighteen, I drove to New York City to see them play in this little shithole. My car barely made it but I was so fucking excited, you know? Like I wasn't expecting anything, I didn't want money or anything like that... just to see his face, to see if maybe if I looked like him or something..." Alex paused, drawing Piper closer. "I didn't go to the show, just to the greenroom. I introduced myself and I think I said something like "I'm your daughter." And it was just... this total disappointment. He was a junkie, Piper, he offered me a hit and I went and hid in the bathroom. Not how I pictured things going."

"Oh Al..."

"It's totally fine. It was a long time ago. But it fucked me up...I used it as an excuse for awhile for the stupid shit I did. And I did alot of stupid shit. Stuff I'm not proud of. I ended up in rehab for a couple months after I moved to New York. And I wish I could say it was because of the people I got involved with...but it was me. I wouldn't say I was addicted but I definitely got in over my head and that was enough for Diane. She told me to straighten my life the fuck out so I did. And I met Nick there. I could see she had a much harder road than I did, she was in too deep, but she was the only one I could really talk to. I found out she played bass and things kind of took off from there when we got out..." Alex smiled at the memory, "Anyway, I read something when I was there, all I did was read, really, and write songs, but in ancient times, people would spill salt to keep the devil away, you know the old throwl salt over your shoulder for good luck thing? I figured I could use all the help I could get. So I got it to kinda-this sounds crazy, but to keep me safe. To protect me from myself, I guess." She looked to Piper. "Like I said, not much of a story."

"I don't think it's crazy at all." The blonde kissed her softly. "I love the meaning behind it. But I don't think you have to worry about good luck anymore. Look at what you've done with your life...this tour, this band. You said you were going to do something big and you did. You're pretty fucking incredible."

"Is that so?" Alex arched her eyebrow, laughing when Piper blushed. "You're not so bad yourself, Pipes."

And although she didn't ususally wear her heart on her sleeve, although she only let her guard down in front of very few people, Piper's words absolutely melted her and she found herself smiling goofily. It was becoming a regular occurrence.

"So," She swiftly changed the subject, "My mom is coming to the show in Portland. I don't know if I told you.."

Piper smiled. "You did but you were still finalizing the details. That's amazing. I can't wait to meet her. I feel like I know her already though."

"I can't wait for you to meet her either. The thing is," Alex reached out to smooth back an errant strand of hair, "She doesn't know about us. Uh, that we're together. Not together but...you know what I mean."

"And you aren't sure if you want her to know, right? It's OK, Al, I can't say I blame you. It's kind of a conplicated situation."

Alex exhaled. "It's not just that. What am I supposed to call you? I don't want to say we're just sleeping together because that isn't it but it's not like you're my girlfriend either. We don't have titles and friend doesn't seem right .I mean, of course you're my friend, but it's so much more than that. God, I sound completely insane right now, don't I?"

Normally, she didn't give a second thought to how she sounded to anyone because if someone didn't like what she had to say, zero fucks were given. But the situation was different. Piper was different. It had only taken a month for Alex to conclude the singer was indeed her weakness, like how some people craved cigarettes or coffee. She actually gave a shit what the other woman thought of her, how she perceived the crazy electric, chemical _thing_ that was happening between them. It wasn't as if she expected Piper to put a label on them because she really couldn't, not with Larry, and she couldn't figure out when the fuck she had started caring about shit like that in the first place.

"No, I get it. I do. It's your Mom. Of course you want to explain-I don't think we can put a title on what this is, honestly. Even if things were different. Do you?"

"I guess not. My mom will figure it out anyway. All I have to do is introduce you and she'll know. She's ridiculous like that." Alex shook her head.

"I'm jealous. My mother and I...we aren't like that. Not even a little bit."

Alex could detect the sadness in her statement and she kissed her temple. "She has no idea what she's missing out on then."

"Have I told you what an incredible person you are?"

"Hmmm, not in the last fifteen minutes, but we can totally work on it." The brunette reached out to tickle her ribs, knowing fully well it was her most sensitive spot.

"Stop!" Piper cried out in protest, wrenching away. "Seriously, Al," she managed between squeals, "you suck. Oh my God, uncle. You win."

Grinning mischeviously, Alex ceased her attack. "Yeah? What do I win?"

"What?"

"What do I win?" She repeated lasciviously, "What's my prize?"

Piper looked at her, biting her lip. "What do you want?"

"What do you think?" With that, Alex pushed aside the blanket, pulling Piper on top of her.

 _Oh yeah,_ Alex thought hazily as Piper kissed her neck, _Definitely going to be late now._

An hour later, and a hurried text to Nicky, Alex and Piper managed to put themselves together and meet their friends at a trendy down town restaurant.

"Sorry again," Piper apologized after ordering coffee, "I overslept."

"We overslept, you mean," Nicky deadpanned, closing the menu. "I'm not a moron, guys. You both have that fresh just fucked look." She smirked at Piper. "Chapman's practically fuckin' glowing over there."

Alex had to admit Nicky was right. Piper was emanating a warmth that really could only been seen as a glow and nol for the first time, she marvelled at how effortlessly gorgeous the other woman was. Piper had jumped in the shower for three minutes, brushed her teeth, and ran a brush through her hair. She wore Alex's black tank top and her own jeans from the night before ( they had stayed in Alex's room) and she still managed to look completely put together.

"Yeah, well...whatever. It's all good. We're all adults here." Alex tapped Nicky's arm with her menu. "I mean, kinda."

They hadn't exactly been discreet around their bandmates, despite not coming out with any official announcements. But there was no real effort to hide anything either. Piper, while not clingy, was extremely affectionate and couldn't help but touch Alex every ten minutes or so whether it was a hand on her shoulder or a quick squeeze of her fingers. The guitarist for her part, initiated a constant close proximity between them; going over a song with their heads bent together, sharing a meal side by side, how on stage she never needed to look over at Piper (though she did that too)to know where she was and how palpable their connection was. The mere thought of the other woman close by calmed her, set her at ease. She was certain her bandmates had noticed but she could have given a fuck less. And she had indeed considered that it made her a bit of a hypocrite when she had sworn up and down she wasn't going to get involved with Piper but that was before the blonde had settled somewhere deep in the recesses of her veins.

"And some of us are adults who are engaged to other people," She shrugged, ignoring the daggers Poussey shot her. "By the way, how is good ole Larry?"

Alex started to reply but Piper cut her off. "Are you seriously going to lecture us on morality right now? Because the truth is, it's really none of your business."

Poussey and Alex froze in stunned silence but Nicky crossed her arms in front of her chest, unphased. "It affects the band, so I'd say it is my fucking business. It also affects me because you're fucking around with my best friend and no matter what she says, she's gonna get hurt. You're gonna marry Larry and where does that leave her? Because in case you haven't noticed, she's insanely in love with you."

This time Piper was stunned into silence as well and she could only stare at Nicky who shook her head as other patrons turned to look at them.

"Jesus fuckin Christ, dude, really?" Poussey, who had been quiet up until her friend's outburst glared at the bassist. "You don't get a say about who Vause chooses to sleep with. Or who Chapman decides to marry. It's none of your damn business either way. Just cuz you don't know how to be fuckin' happy don't mean you gotta bring other people down."

"Whatever," Nicky gulped her coffee iindifferently, but Alex caught her eyes beginning to water. "I'm done." Abruptly, she stood and slammed her chair into the table, exiting the restaurant.

"OK, where the fuck did that come from?" The brunette asked incredulously, glancing around the table. "Like I get the concern...we have each other's backs but the anger...I don't get it." Something clicked and she looked at Poussey. "You're kinda quiet, P. Did something happen?"

"Yeah, I mean kind of. She didn't wanna say anything to you guys but...Lorna texted her."

"Oh shit, really? When?" They hadn't heard from their former singer since she had jumped ship in the middle of the tour.

"Mad early this mornin'. Around 2." Poussey sighed. "She want to meet up when we get to Boston. That's where shes from," The drummer mentioned to Piper. "I told Nick it was a fucking shit idea but you know her..."

"What the fuck could she possibly want?"

"Maybe to check me out," Piper offered, putting a hand on Alex's shoulder comfortingly. "Maybe it has nothing to do with Nicky at all."

"Oh no, it does. She wants to fuck with her head some more. Either that or sleep with her one last time before she gets married...either way, it's no fucking good, Pipes. You gotta understand...Nicky was head over heels in love...I've known her since we were nineteen and I've never seen her like that. When Lorna left, it really fucked her up. She's still not back 100 percent."

Piper turned to Poussey. "You sure she's going to go?"

Poussey nodded. "When she puts her mind to something...well, ya'll know as well as I do, there ain't no changin' it."

"Wait," Alex put a hand up, "Where you with her when she got the text?"

Poussey flushed. "Uh, yeah."

"I knew it! I knew you two were fucking," Alex burst out. "Fuck, here she is telling me she's all concerned about the band and meanwhile, she's hooking up with you the whole time."

"No, no...we're not...it ain't like that."

"Really? Then what's-"

"Al," Piper nudged her.

Suddenly, it dawned on her exactly what was going on and instantly, she felt like a complete moron. "Jesus. You're in love with her, aren't you? Where the fuck have I been? All the time you guys spend together...how you're always trying to keep her safe...it -how long has- how could I not have noticed?"

"Cuz you had your own shit to deal with. Anyway, it don't matter now."

"Does she know?" The blonde asked gently.

"Kinda," Poussey shrugged, "I mean, it's not like I came out and said it but...we kissed. It was when she was drunk though so I let her think it was just that...shit is complicated. Not that I gotta tell you guys but...like I said, it don't matter. She's still hung up on Morello, even if she don't wanna admit it."

"Well, shit," Alex slunk back in her chair. "Talk about fucking self absorbed. All this was going on right in front of my face and.." She rose suddenly, "I'm gonna go catch up with Nick. She's hurting right now and-"

"Go," Piper motioned toward the door, "Poussey and I can talk."

"It ain't gonna do much good," The drummer said glumly and Piper patted her hand.

"Thanks for understanding," Alex leaned over to kiss her cheek. "I'll catch up later."

It took a quick text to find out Nicky was stationed at a park downtown. Wnen Alex finally found her, she was taking up residence on a bench, smoking a Camel and watching a family of ducks waddle by.

"Is this bench taken?" Alex asked, plopping herself down without waiting for an answer. "You buy a pack of cigarettes? Since when did you take up smoking again?"

Nicky shrugged. "Keeps me away from smack." She looked to the ducks, walking in a row past them and jumping into the nearby river. "Don't you ever get jealous of those ducks, man? Like they know just where they're headed...and they stick together. No one is left behind."

"You don't have to worry about me, you know," Alex spoke lowly. "Piper and I-it isn't...I knew what I was getting into when we started it."

"Doesn't make it suck any less when it's over. She's gonna pick him. And I know you think I'm saying it cuz I'm bitter and because of how shit went down with me but I'm saying it cuz I don't wanna see you crushed like I was...it's the truth, Alex, and deep down, you know it."

"I do," Her admission sent a sharp pang directly into the center of her chest and she swallowed hard. "But God fucking help me, I can't not be with her. I tried...you know how hard I fought. And it's gonna hurt and I'm gonna be in alot of pain when it ends but I'm gonna have to find a way to deal with it because she'll still be a part of this band...and I would rather see her every day and know I can't be with her then to have her cut out of my life." She let out a tense breath. "I don't think about it. I can't."

They sat in silence, Nicky blowing out a steady steam of smoke. "P ok? She's fucking pissed, isn't she?"

"Because she cares."

"I know. And I care too...she's not just some random girl to me. I'm not just gonna hook up with her and run. But I think she wants more than I can give her right now and she fuckin' deserves better."

"Look at us," Alex said humorlessly, stretching out her long legs, "We're pathetic."

"Totally." Nicky paused. "You get it though, right? Why I'm meeting up with her?"

"You think you need closure. But you don't, Nick. Your closure will come when you let yourself move on."

Nicky snorted. "You should talk. When is your closure gonna come, huh? When we're in Boston next week and Larry finds out you're in love with his fiancee or when you're a fucking bridesmaid at her wedding?" She looked at Alex. "Ask yourself, dude, are you willing to put up with being her dirty little secret? I think Chapman's great...but she's playing you, man."

And it was with that, Alex knew Nicky was correct, that there would be no happy ending. And even more startling, if Piper was playing her for a fool, she couldn't bring herself to care.

 _Author's Note: The Nicky/Poussey sideplot was an idea bubble planted by an interview with Natasha Lyonne where she was talking about how much she loved Samira Wiley and had one time hoped for a relationship between their characters. Wish granted (in AU form)!_


	20. Chapter 20

"Alright, practice is done. Gotta go grab Diane from the airport," Alex annouced, putting her guitar back in its case. "If I don't see everyone beforehand, call is at six tomorrow at The Showbox, got it?"

She exchanged a look with Piper who was dissembling her mic stand. The blonde shook her head, mouthing "It's fine," but Alex didn't know if she fully believed her.

Rehearsal had been tense to say the least. The place Red had gotten them was spacious but didn't have much ventilation and it didn't take long for the room to become almost unbearably warm, even with the portable fan they'd brought. On top of the uncomfortable heat, the tension between Poussey and Nicky was palpable and Nicky refused to speak more than a few monoslyic words to Piper, who wasn't too thrilled with the bassist's hostility at brunch a few days back. They managed to get through the set once before Alex had called it quits (for her own sanity as much as having to grab her mom). It definitely wasn't their best practice by far, but she knew not to beat a dead horse.

"Give Mama my best," Nicky wiped sweat from her brow, "If I don't see her before the concert."

"Why wouldn't you see her, dumbass? She asked for you."

"Yeah?" Her expression softened. "I don't wanna get in the way of your plans, that's all, man." Nicky had a soft spot for Diane, especially since she didn't speak to her own mother.

She was referring to Alex hanging out with Piper, she quickly inferred, and she shook her head. "You wouldn't be. Seriously, Diane wants to see you. She saw pictures of Dallas online and she said she needs to feed your skinny ass."

"Well, in that case..."Her friend smiled slightly. "Tell Mama D I hoped she smuggled some of that mac and cheese on the plane."

Truthfully, Alex didn't have a plan of attack for the weekend. She knew Piper wanted to meet Diane and Diane would definitely want to meet Piper but the second she did, her mother would _know._ The same way she knew Alex had fallen for the singer just by the way she had said her name. Diane's keen intuition was simultaneously her best and worst quality. It had seriously driven her insane when she was younger as her mother seemed to sense she was going to do something she shouldn't, even before she did it but she couldn't help love that Diane knew her so well, especially given both Nicky's non relationship with her mother and Piper's tense relationship with hers.

She desperately wanted her mom to like Piper and she was almost positive she would. The woman was well read and kind and a damn good conversationalist and it wasn't as if she needed Diane's approval (their relationship had never worked like that), it was more that she didn't want the fact they were having an affair to cause her to think any less of the blonde. They were the two most important women to her (excluding her bandmates) and the idea that her mother might get the wrong impression of Piper made her heart sink just a little.

"You sure you don't want me to come with you to the airport?" Piper spoke into her ear. "I'm super fun company on a road trip."

"Mmmm, tempting," She pressed a kiss to her forehead, ignoring Nicky's not so subtle eyeroll in their direction. "But it's not exactly a road trip, Pipes. It's only twenty minutes away. And in all, honesty, it's probably better to pick her up by myself, you know?"

"No, I get it. You're totally right. I'll meet up with you guys for dinner." A brief look of hurt flashed over her features and she attempted to cover it with a smile.

"I'm not trying to be an ass here, Piper," Alex took her hands, running her thumb over gently over Piper's knuckle. "I just-"

The blonde shook her head. "Absolutely no explanation needed. I'm fine. I really don't have any right to be offended, do I? I don't know..."

"What is it?"

Piper sighed. "A part of me just wishes it was simple...that you were my girlfriend and I was meeting your mom for the first time and I was nervous for all the normal reasons, not because I was afraid your mother is going to think I'm this whore who's jerking her daughter around."

"Oh Pipes," Alex said quietly, "She's not going to think that. Diane's cool. It's just a crazy situation and to have explain it to her when I haven't seen her in person in months..."

"It's fine, Al. Really it is. You better go though, it's already noon. You'll be late. We'll talk soon, OK? "This time it was Piper who kissed her and though it was no more than a quick peck, it warmed Alex to know she didnt care that their bandmates saw.

"See you later?" She touched their foreheads together briefly before grabbing her guitar case and heading out.

The ride to the airport gave her time to refocus, to breath, as time alone tended to do. She blasted some Queen and felt herself relax as the soft summer breeze flittered through the window. Despite all the drama of late, she really was excited to see Diane, to have that little piece of home there with her. In the midst of chaos, her mom had always been her touchstone.

By the time Alex had parked and got to the correct gate, her mom's plane had landed and she stood by anxiously scanning people coming through.

All at once she saw her, looking exactly the same as the last time Alex had seen her, dark hair and flashing green eyes and maybe a bit less weary since Alex convinced her to cut back some of her hours. Before she could even lift her arm to wave, she could feel her eyes mist over.

Diane spotted her immediately and enveloped her in a tight embrace before she said a word. "God, I missed you, kiddo." She held back her daughter at arm's length. "You look tired. Are you gettin' enough sleep?" And damn, you need to eat more! You're skin and bones."

Alex laughed. "Good to see you too, Ma." Diane never changed and for that, she was always immensely grateful. Her mother had been the one constant in her life from the beginning. "C'mon, lets go grab your luggage." She took her carry on and slung it over her own shoulder. "How was your flight? I figured we could go back to the hotel and rest for a bit."

Diane shook her head as they headed toward baggage claim. "You know me and flying, baby. I took two Xanax and went right off to dreamland. You wanna show me around Portland? We can have some lunch and catch up."

"Whatever you wanna do, Mom. I'm just so happy you're here. You have no idea how good it is to see your face." Her expression darkened unintentionally. "Alot's been going on."

"Oh I figured. You sounded pretty preoccupied the last few times on the phone." Diane wrapped an arm around her shoulder. "But we have plenty of time to talk about it, right? Let's go."

The afternoon was a pleasant one. As usual, Alex basked in her mother's presence and they had a wonderful time taking in Portland after a late lunch .They opted to do a self-guided tour, most of which they did on foot. It turned out not to be too hot and by the time they ended with a couple of drinks at an upscale downtown restaurant, they were spent but happy.

"Man, I haven't had a day like this in years," Diane mused, sipping her Sex on the Beach. (Alex loved to tease her about her "hoity toity" taste in drinks). "And you spoil me, Al." She gestured to the Birkin bag her daughter had insisted on buying when she'd caught Diane looking at it.

She shrugged nonchalantly, secretly pleased that she was able to show Diane just how grateful she was for the sacrifices she'd made for her when she was growing up. Back then, she couldn't quite grasp quite how hard her mother had worked to make ends meet but she was determined now to make up for it. And although Diane had insisted Alex spent too much money on her, she knew that she was incredibly proud and bragged to her friends all the time how Alex had bought her a house and a car with some of their album sales.

"You love it," She smiled, clinking her glass against Diane's for an unofficial toast. "Besides, what the hell good is money if I can't spoil someone with it."

"You know how much I appreciate it, Al, I mean, c'mon...I'm the one who told you were gonna be someone someday...when those snotty bitches started giving you a hard time?" She reached out to touch her hand. "I'm so freakin' proud of you, I can't see straight. But honey, you gotta start thinking toward the future. Use your money on you, OK? What if you want a house of your own, or a family down the line? Gotta consider these things, ya know? Cuz all of this is great and exciting but it ain't gonna last forever. One day you're gonna want more."

Alex shifted uncomfortably. The conversation was delving into matters she wasn't ready to discuss. As ususal, Diane seemed to sense her uneasiness.

"I'm not ready to buy a house yet, Ma. I'm not home for half the year and I love my apartment, you know that. And a family is so far off, it isn't funny. You may not believe it, but I'm happy with my life. Just the way it is." She shrugged, as if it was a casual statement.

"Sweetie, I'm not tryin' to make you feel bad. I'm not. But something is up. I can tell." Diane's bright emerald eyes, not unlike her own, piereced through her. "You're seeing somebody, aren't ya?" She held her hand up, "And there's no use denying it. I can tell by the look on your face right now that I'm right.".

Try as she might not to react, Alex felt her cheeks get hot. _Oh for fucks sake. Again with the blushing, huh?"_ Yeah, I guess. I mean, kind of."

"And when were you plannin' on telling me, young lady?" Diane broke into a wide grin. "This is major!"

"I don't know," She demurred, swirling around the stirrer in her gin and tonic. "Like, never? Seriously, Mom, it's not a big deal."

Diane nudged her. "Of course it's a big deal! Are you nuts? Here I am, worried you've closed yourself off to the possibilty of love and you've met someone." She grasped Alex's hand across the table. "What's she like? Where did you meet her? Am I ever gonna meet her?"

"See, this is exactly why I didn't tell you. You're like, freaking out. We haven't known each other that long. I'm not gonna marry her and give you a grandchild anytime soon, OK?"

"God, my expectations aren't that high, Alex. I know you, remember?" Something in Diane's expression changed. "But you love her."

There was no use in denying the obvious as Alex knew it was written all over her face. "Yes."

"That's amazing, baby...that's-" She paused, sensing Alex's trepidation. "It's not a good thing, is it?"

"It's a very complicated thing," Alex replied thickly, feeling her chin tremble ever so slightly. Breaking down in front of her mom was the last thing she wanted to do but Diane always could see through her bravado, even when the rest of the world couldn't.

"Love is complicated, baby girl. Hell, life is complicated."

"No, uh, she's with someone else. Like as in engaged to someone else." Alex looked her mother in the eye. "We're having an affair."

She hadn't anticipated her mother's reaction in advance, there had been no point because ultimately, she knew she wasn't going to end it. But she definitely had figured even without blatant disapproval, Diane wouldn't have liked the fact she was someone else's side play. Her mom was a mama lion when it came to her feelings and Alex had seen the claws come out several times over the years. It was never pretty.

The older woman didn't bat an eyelash. "Does she love you?"

"I don't know. We've never talked about it." Her shoulders slunk. "It doesn't matter. I knew the whole thing was kind of doomed from the beginning."

"Of course it matters. If you love her, you need to fight for her, Al! I didn't raise a quitter. And before you jump in and tell me it's not that simple, I'm gonna say yes, it is that simple. If Piper loves you half as much as you obviously love her, she's gonna do the right thing. Trust me."

"How do you know it's Piper?" Alex was floored once again by her mother's ability to know what was going on in her life, even from hundreds of miles away.

"Not that hard to figure out," Diane shrugged. "You mentioned before she was engaged and after that whenever I asked about her, you were really quick to change the subject. One look at you and I knew you were crazy in love...I assumed it was with her."

"Jesus, Ma," The brunette threw back the rest of her drink and slid foward in the leather chair. "I was just gonna let you figure it out when you met her.""

"Don't you think that woulda made it more awkward?" She laughed. "Oh c' mon, baby, lighten up. I know the situation is heavy but ya gotta see the positives, right? You're in love. And that's something I hoped for you all the time. You only want your kid to be happy."

Yeah, I'm sure you didn't think I'd fall in love with a woman who was engaged to a guy," Alex mused. "It's funny...at first, I held my feelings in for the sake of the band and then it was because Piper was straight...one day, I stopped holding on to all of it because I was so fucking tired of fighting it. Honestly, I've never felt like this about anyone else."

"Then you need to ask her to make a choice, Al."

She exhaled slowly. "I just wanted to be with her. If that meant not fully having her, I was OK with that. Or I told myself I was. But everything's changed now. Like I don't remember what my life was like before she walked into it."

Love had always been an analomy to her and Diane, to her enormous credit, had held her tongue when her girlfriends in high school never seemed to last more than a week. She supposed her mother had attributed it to being young but when her habits hadn't changed as adult (Alex never shared just how many women she slept with during their conversations because there was such a thing as unnecessary information), Diane had more than once expressed that it wasn't so much that she wished Alex would settle down, it was more that she could find someone that was well suited to her, who understood how important her music was, who complimented her reserved nature with a subtle confidence. Alex had been skeptical that such a woman was out there and even if she did exist, she'd convinced herself her life was perfectly fine as it was.

And then Piper came into the picture and just like that, her world came crashing down and she was able to understand the kind of love Diane wanted for her. Because she wanted it too. All of it...dates, and the hand holding and candlelit dinners at home, everything she'd deemed cliche, she wanted. And she wanted it with Piper.

"I'm scared," She admitted quietly, focusing back on her mother. "It's brand new for me...to need somebody this much."

"Sweetie, that's love. It's scary as hell. But it's worth it in the end," Diane's eyes were warm. "Look at me. Did I plan to get pregnant when I was nineteen? Your grandparents kicked me out and I had nothin'. Yeah, times were tough and God, it was fuckin' terrifying not knowing if I was gonna make it but I got you out of the deal. Made everything better." She met her daughter's gaze. "What exactly are you scared of, huh? You can tell me anything, Al, you know that."

"What if she picks him? What if I lay all my fucking cards out on the table and ask her point blank to make a decision...and she still chooses him?"

"Well then," Her mother was matter of fact, "You cry and you grieve and you get pissed as hell...and then one day, you wake up and it won't hurt as much anymore. That's when you know you can move on."

"I-"

"You listen to me, Alex. You don't give up, understand? Do not go down without a fight. Fight like hell, OK?" Diane was all fire and grit and Alex felt her spirits lift. Her mother was the ultimate example of not throwing in the towel when shit seemed impossible. And she was her mother's daughter, after all.

A few hours later, after they had freshened up a bit, they drove to meet Piper at a farm to table restaurant Alex had made them reservations at as soon as she secured plans for Diane to come to Portland.

The restaurant, though elegant, had a cozy atmosphere, including table side lamplight which she hoped put Piper at ease. She had texted earlier, asking what she should wear and Alex got the indication that she was a little anxious.

"Hey you," She greeted easily as she spotted the blonde waiting at the bar, sipping a Chardonnay. "Missed you," Alex grazed her cheek with her lips, breathing in the light scent of her perfume.

"You too," Piper murrmured, glancing over. "Where's your Mom?"

"Smoke break," She explained, finally getting a good view of the other woman. "God, you look incredible.

"You sure it's not too much?" Piper questioned, frowning. "Like too much cleavage?"

"Are you kidding? No such thing."

Piper wore a short, black cocktail dress that clung to her athletic body perfectly and black Christian Louboutins that showed off her toned, long legs. Alex thought she would have to wipe away drool from her chin.

"The things I wanna do to you right now, Pipes..." She whispered in her ear, her eyes glinting evilly.

"Al!" Piper instantly reddened (Alex absolutely loved that it was her and only her that could make her blush at will) and swatted her away. "Don't tease...I want to make a good impression on your Mom."

"Who's teasing?" Alex shrugged, grinning, but she oblidged, creating some space between them.

"You're looking hot yourself tonight," The blonde allowed, her eyes scanning Alex's body in such a way that heat instantly pooled in the bottom of her stomach.

"Oh this?" She glanced down at the fitted red blouse which she had paired with a particular pair of jeans she knew Piper loved her in, "I picked it up when were shopping today." Alex arched her eyebrow cockily. "You like?"

The blonde nodded, her blue eyes clouding over with Alex was easily able to identify as need. "I just wanna get through meeting your mother," She managed tightly and the brunette laughed.

"OK, OK, I'll be nice, I swear." She couldn't resist leaning over to speak in her ear again, "No promises once we're alone later."

Alex could see the pink in her cheeks rising again just as Diane strode into the restaurant and bypassing her daughter, walked directly up to the blonde. "You must be Piper."

"Hi, Ms. Vause...it's so nice to finally meet you." She greeted warmly, extending her hand.

Instead of taking it, Diane pulled her in for a hug. "Oh God, honey, please, Diane. I feel like I know you. Jesus, Al, you didn't mention she was frickin' stunning! I knew you were pretty from pictures online but they can't do you justice in person."

"Stop, Ma, don't embarrass her," Alex protested but she was smiling. "C'mon, let's go get our table."

They were seated and made easy small talk while looking over the menu. Piper's nerves had eased up under her mother's presence and not for the first time, Alex was incredibly grateful that Diane was who she was.

"So, Piper," Diane began once they had ordered, "Al tells me you went to school at Smith. We moved to Northampton when Alex was two. I'm from Dorchester but my aunt owned a bed and breakfast out there and we ended up stayin'. Did you grow up in Massachusetts?"

"No, Connecticut. But I ended up moving to Boston after school to pursue music." The blonde shrugged self deprecatingly. "It really wasn't until I auditioned for Solitary Confinement that I got somewhere. Your daughter is the most amazing woman I've ever met. She took a huge gamble on me. Without her, honestly, I don't know where I'd be right now."

Alex shook her head. "All I did was capitalize on how incredibly talented she is. You'll see for yourself tomorrow," she directed toward Diane. "We hit the fucking jackpot with this one."

"Mhmmm," Diane stared at them, her green eyes darting between them. "Can't wait."

"Alex is a leader in every sense of the word. She pushes us, she holds us accountable, she makes us strive to be excellent. We want to make her proud, you know?" Piper laid her hand on Alex's forearm. "It's the truth. We all feel that way."

With Lorna's abrupt departure, the band was compromised and if Alex had laid everything out on the table, she would've admitted that the future looked uncertain. Of course she was still going to do everything in her power to ensure they stayed afloat but the turmoil had been alot to bear. Although it was her band, her baby, during those few months, she had never felt more defeated, not that she ever let it show. She hadn't felt much like a leader then. In actuality, she was just as lost as everyone else, more so really, because it was so difficult to see the light at the end of the tunnel. But to hear Piper's words and to know they were coming from the whole band made a light switch on inside of her. They had made it through the other side.

"Alex is very special. Always has been...even as a little kid. Everyone would say to me, "Diane, that kid's gonna be someone someday." They didn't have to tell me. I knew it from the day she was born." She smiled at Piper. "It's nice to know you think so too."

Something in Diane's tone made Piper avert her eyes and she stared down at her newly arrived salad like it was the most interesting thing in the world.

"Jeeze, Ma, now you're embarrassing me," Alex joked in a feeble attempt to lighten the mood since she was well aware that Piper realized Diane knew about them. "Thanks guys. But I'm nothing special. I'm just me."

"Not true. Piper, what do you think?"

The blonde looked to Alex, her expression unreadable. "You told her?"

"Uh, she guessed. I just kind of confirmed it." She gestured to Diane, "Mom has this uncanny ability to know what's going on before you even tell her."

Diane shook her head. "It's fine, Piper. No judgements from me. It's obvious you make Alex happy and I can see you care about her. And that's all I want for my daughter, because she deserves it. "

"Yes, she does," Piper agreed softly, turning toward Alex. "And she makes me really, really happy too."

"Then the rest is just details. Which you kids will figure out. You're both smart."

"Hey, still here," Alex frowned. "You guys do realize that, right?"

"Shush, Al. I'm just tryin' to get to know Piper. " The two women exchanged a smile and the brunette couldn't help but grin herself. Already they were ganging up on her.

When Piper had gotten up to go to the restroom, Diane leaned across the table. "I like her, Alex. She's absolutely perfect for you. Minus the whole engaged to someone else thing. And not that I'm into labels but since she's engaged to a guy...what, does that make her bi?"

"OK, first, please don't ever say bi again," Her daughter shuddered. "And it's not really something we discuss. She was attracted to girls in college but I'm the first girl she's actually been with. What does it matter?"

"It doesn't. I was just wonderin' is all. It's obvious she's crazy about you. And she's gonna make the right decision, Al. I don't know her fiancee but tell me, does she look at him the way she looks at you?"

"No," She paused, seriously contemplating . "She doesn't."

After they had shared a delicious dinner, they drove Diane back to the hotel and hugged her goodnight while Diane whispered in her ear, "Not gonna wait up for you," and winked to which Alex rolled her eyes.

Finally, they were alone and the cool night air and sky full of stars was too perfect not to take advantage of. "Walk?"

In way of an answer, Piper linked their arms and together, they strode out of the lobby and into the quiet darkness.

They walked the hotel grounds in comfortable silence, Piper with her heels in her other hand, leaning in close to Alex as they traveled.

"Your mom is amazing," The other woman said softly, "So easy to talk to. I mean, I'd figured she would be, since she raised you."

"Flattery will get you everywhere, babe."

"Babe?" The blonde questioned, smirking. "Where did that come from?"

"I don't know, actually... it just kinda came out. You hate it, don't you?"

"No, not at all," She replied emphatically, her blue eyes widening. " Just something I never expected to come out of your mouth in a million years but I could definitely get used to it."

"Why didn't you expect it? I'm not the terms of endearment type?" Alex teased as they made their way to the back garden.

"I don't know...it's just funny hearing you say it. I mean, look at you and look at me. Honestly, this sounds like such a high school cliche, but that someone like you is even remotely interested in me is-you're everything I'm not, Al. You're brave and bold and you don't care what anyone thinks."

Alex laughed. "So not true, Piper. I fake it well, that's all. And please...putting yourself out there in front of a thousand people, when you had no professional experience...I'd say that's pretty fucking brave, wouldn't you?" She led them over to a wooden glider where they settled comfortably, knees touching.

"You," She continued, placing her hand lightly on Piper's leg, "are everything I could possibly want."

In the pale moonlight, Piper intertwined their hands, as she raised her gaze to meet Alex's own. "When Nicky said you were in love with me when we were in Seattle, I never asked you if she was right."

"You already know the answer to that, Pipes."

"I think-I think I need to hear you say it." She demanded gently. "Tell me."

Alex reached forward to cup her face in both of her hands. "I'm in love with you. I love you." She let out a strangled breath. "There. You happy now?"

"Were you afraid to tell me? Because you don't think I feel the same way?"

"No," Alex whispered into the top of her head, "Because I think that you do."

"I never meant to. I didn't plan to fall in love with someone else but...God, I'm-" Piper swiped at a stray tear that had slid down. "I'm so in love with you, Alex. So much that it actually hurts. And that should make it simple but...it's not. There's all this shit floating around in my head and it's not fucking fair to you."

"Shhhh," The brunette stroked her face softly with the pads of her thumbs, wiping away the moisture on her cheeks. "Say it again."

"I love you, Alex. God help me, but I do."

"So let's leave it like this, right here, right now. We're in love. Because tomorrow and the day after that and the day after that, we'll have to deal with reality. And choices. But tonight, I want to enjoy this." She kissed the blonde slowly, unhurriedly as if they had limitless tme. And it was just Piper and her and the balmy night and the slight sway of the glider as Piper ran her hands through Alex's hair and how she tasted like a thousand summer nights Alex had lived already and the heady scent of the English roses growing in the nearby garden.

In reality, time was running out and Alex chose to ignore the tapping at her shoulder and the little voice inside her head that whispered she was so fucked, that the situation was so fucked. Because just for that moment, Piper was hers and hers alone and she didn't have to share her.


	21. Chapter 21

If Alex chose not to think beyond Portland, it was because Boston loomed on the horizon like an unwanted visitor, its mere presence threatening to pop her happiness like a balloon. In Boston, there would be Larry and not only would she have to cool it with how she behaved around Piper, not only would they most likely not get alone time, but there was the distinct possibility that she would be forced to watch Piper keep up appearances with him, to pretend that everything hadn't changed. And she knew unless he was given reason to believe otherwise, Larry (not being the brightest crayon in the box) would never suspect anything between them. It was up to Piper to say something and if she were being completely honest, Alex wasn't entirely certain she would.

Oregon was her new favorite state, she had decided. In Oregon, Piper loved her back and there was no Larry. In Oregon, Diane had visited and had seen their show and gotten to hear the song Alex had written for her a million years ago, live. In Oregon, there was no Lorna and Nicky could take Poussey aside (at Diane's urging) and tell her how she really felt and they reached a shared, if somewhat tentative understanding. In Oregon, they all stayed out with Diane until three, closing down one of the coolest hole in the wall bars Alex had ever been to, laughing so hard their sides hurt. And in Oregon, Alex put her mother back on a plane, missing her before she had even left, but glad she'd gotten to come at all, her words echoing in her ear like a mantra, "Don't forget what I told you, kiddo, you hear me? Fight for her. Fight like you've never fought before."

They had a day and a half after the concert before they got back on the road and Alex was relieved to get extra time in the magical city. If anyone had told her that she would fall in love with Portland, she would've laughed. Make no mistake, New York City was her home and she missed riding on the wave of its manic energy but of all the places they'd stopped on the tour thus far, Portland was her favorite.

Waking up with Piper tucked into her side, the early morning sunlight streaming in through the blinds, Alex allowed herself to fantasize for a few brief minutes that they were in thr bedroom of her Brooklyn brownstone and it was an every day occurrence to awaken to the blonde wrapped up in her arms. Maybe she even lived there. And Alex would make them breakfast and they would have coffee on the terrace. Beyond that, she couldn't let her mind wander. There were too many feelings in play to think of any potential future...far too many opportunities to experience that all too familiar knot in her gut. But mornings...those she could easily picture.

In her embrace, Piper stirred, opening one eye, then the other, focusing hazily upon Alex.

"Morning, beautiful," She kissed the top of her shoulder. It never ceased to amaze her how the blonde could look so incredibly perfect when she woke up. She found her gorgeous in any given situation but if she were pressed to say when she found the other woman most irresistible, it would have to be in the mornings, with messy hair and no make-up, the polar opposite of fully put together Piper. And seeing those incredible eyes zone in on her first thing still took Alex's breath away.

"Mmmm," Piper murmured as way of a response, stretching greedily, arms high above her head. "What time is it?"

"Little after seven," Alex kissed her again, this time on her lips. "Why, you have big plans?"

She smiled lazily. "Only with you. Although after last night, I'm not too sure I'll ever be able to move again."

"I don't see the issue, babe," She tugged her closer, "It means I was doing something right."

"You think highly of yourself, don't you?"

"You saying I'm wrong?" The flirtation between them never seemed to get old and Alex loved their back and forth banter almost as much as the actual sex...almost.

"Touche," Piper pulled her in for a passionate kiss. It was apparent to Alex the other woman was becoming much more confident in the bedroom and not unwilling to be the aggressor from time to time. Nothing was sexier than Piper grabbing her and showing her just how much she was wanted. Often, she still let Alex take the initial lead but it clearly delighted her (with her limited experience) that she had the ability to make her hot, badass lover come so hard, she let out a litany of curses.

"I wish we could just camp out here all day, " Piper sighed, breaking away reluctantly, causing Alex to groan and flop back onto the pillow.

"That's the beauty of it, Pipes. We have absolutely nothing to do until we have to get on the bus at four."

"Except that checkout"s at noon," She reminded her, smoothing back a strand of raven hair from Alex's face.

"Fuck. I forgot. Oh well...breakfast in bed then?" The brunette reached across Piper to grab the phone on the nightstand. "Anything to keep you here longer." She grinned wickedly, "What are you having?"

"Let's see...coffee, scrambled eggs, wheat toast and fruit," She requested. "What are you having?"

"The same as you. Sounds good." Alex placed their order and hung up the phone, grabbing Piper and pulling her in once again. "I wish I could make you breakfast," The sentiment had left her mouth before she could really think about it and for a half a second, she wondered how Piper would interpret it.

"You cook?" The blonde questioned with an amused smile and Alex visibly relaxed. If there had been any desperation in what she had said, Piper either did not hear or chose to ignore it.

"You sound suprised."

"No, it's just that you can do everything...is there anything you're not good at?"

Alex considered this. "Uh, tennis. Totally not my sport. I was sleeping with a tennis instructor at the time and I still sucked."

Piper laughed. "OK, no doubles matches for us in the near future. Noted." Looking deeply into Alex's eyes, she paused. "What would you make me for breakfast?"

"Oh, anything you wanted," The other woman said confidently, "But my speciality is omlets. I make a mean one, I've been told."

"Impressive," Piper replied affectionately, kissing her cheek, "Omlets seem hard to do."

"Mmmm," Alex ran her hand lightly up and down the length of Piper's bare arm, " The key is knowing when to flip it. You have to do it at just the right time."

"Do you do pancakes too?" Piper shivered slightly under her touch. "My Dad used to make them every Sunday morning when I was little...until he decided it was too much work and cut into the time he had with his mistress," Her face fell a little. "Then it was brunch at the country club so he could leave as quickly as possible."

"I would make you pancakes," Alex tried to balm the obvious sting the memory brought with a kiss to her temple, "Chocolate chip?"

Piper smiled and she knew her attempt had been successful. "Is there any other kind?"

Alex shook her head. "Nope. I'd make you all the chocolate chip pancakes you could eat and then afterward-"

"I'd drag our asses on a run?"

"God, no." Alex wrinkled her nose. "I was thinking more along the lines of cuddling on the couch and maybe some shower sex, but..."

"Well, that would work too." Piper exhaled deeply and looked at her, suddenly serious. "I wish it were that simple."

 _It can be,_ Alex wanted to say, _If you just fucking leave him, we can have that._ Instead she said, "None of it is simple, Piper."

Rationally, she knew her mother was right. She needed to ask Piper to make a choice and with her wedding date looming, it had to be soon. In another twelve hours or so, they would be in Boston and Alex would have to be in the same room as Larry and try to downplay the fact she was in love with his fiancee. The thought was almost unbearable and she felt it settle into the very bottom of her lungs, making it difficult to breathe, like she was underwater. There were so many unknowns...would Piper feel compelled to tell Larry about them or would the guilt hit and make her go on like nothing changed? Obviously, she wouldn't get Piper alone and the thought she could quite possibly sleep with Larry made her physically ill. The thing that made her blood run cold though, was something that was entirely feasible, whether she told Larry or not. It was the very real possibilty that Boston was where they would meet an end. Not in New York, not at the end of the tour but in the city where Larry would be, where Polly, who would undoubtedly disapprove of Piper's cheating and of Alex in general, would be. And she could live in denial as long as they were far away from the inevitable chaos that Boston would be, but eventually things would come to a crossroad.

"Alex," Piper said, taking her hand, "I know all of this...this is hard. Not just on me but on you too. You've been so patient and it's not fair to ask you to-the thing is, I'm not sure what's going to happen in Boston. How I'll be when I see Larry. I never mentioned it because we were having such a great time with your Mom, but when he called the other day, he said I sounded preoccupied and that I didn't seem too much into wedding planning because I said whatever he decided was fine with me. He chalked it up to being burnt out from touring but the bottom line is, he knows something's up. I just don't know if I'll be able to lie right to his face. I don't know much about anything, really, except that I love you. It's not much, given the circumstances, I know it's not, but it's all I have to go on right now."

"I love you too." There was so much more she could've said, so much more she wanted to say, but it wasn't the right time. She felt as if she were going into battle and she needed as much physical and mental preparation as possible. She also needed as much Piper as possible and she memorized her taste and smell and the perfect way her lips seemed to fit against hers. It would be a tortuous few days before Alex could be with her (she wouldn't think of other possibilty), so she decided she would live completely in the moment and enjoy their time together while they had it.

She lay tiny, silent kisses in the crown of Piper's hair, her thumbs sliding over the curve of her hips, with just enough pressure to make the blonde sigh contentedly. There was no getting enough of the singer, not just sexually, but the mere simple act of touching, of feeling her warm skin flush under her fingertips, of how much she could tell Piper craved the constant contact. Alex had never been one for idle physicality, unless it was during or a precursor to sex but with Piper, the need to just _touch_ the other woman was often overwhelming.

A loud rap on the door broke them of their reverie and they both groaned at the loss of contact as a voice called out, "Room service!"

Scrambling for a robe, Alex jumped out of bed and answered the knock as the bellhop wheeled in the cart. Signing the slip and taking the tray off of the cart herself, she thanked him and closed the door.

As they ate their breakfast, backs resting against the head board, Alex glanced over. "Coffee OK?"

"Perfect," Piper moaned a little as she siipped delicately from the white porcelain cup and the guitarist shook her head.

"You know, if you keep doing that we're going to be charged for not checking out," Alex rasped from somewhere low in her throat, her reaction causing Piper to giggle.

"I love you," She told the brunette again warmly, setting aside her cup on the nightstand. "It feels so good to say it..."

"It feels good to hear it."

And it was the truth. Having had the words said to her before but never feeling the need to utter them back to anyone (Diane being the obvious exception, albeit in a different context), it made her extremely happy to hear Piper echo her sentiments and not only echo them, but to be unafraid to say so repeatedly. At the same time though, there was a swift, sharp jab of anguish that accompanied her words, one that caused Alex's knees to buckle in such a way she was glad she had been sitting.

She was well aware why the panic had suddenly set in and she had to steady her erratic breathing. Focusing on the breath, she took three, slow deliberate ones, in and out, in and out, in and out. Finally, her racing heart stilled and she speared a chunk of honey dew melon with her fork, unable to bring it to her mouth, her hunger dissipated.

Clearly, for her part, Piper had no issues finishing up her food and reached over to Alex's plate to steal a piece of bacon. The night before had obviously made the blonde ravenous and Alex couldn't help but smirk, recalling how absolutely insatiable she had been.

"So," She said smoothly, having recovered. "What would you like to do today?"

"You mean that involves actually leaving this room?"

""If we have to," Alex sighed. "Seriously, Pipes, I mean it. Anything you want. Name it."

" _Anything_ I want?" Piper's eyes twinkled as she pushed aside her tray. "Be careful what you wish for."

"Shit, I'm going to regret this, aren't I, kid?"

"Maybe, maybe not," She grinned, "I want to get a tattoo today."

"Very funny, Piper..no really, what do you wanna-" Alex stopped mid -sentance, shaking her head in disbelief. "Jesus, you're serious, aren't you?"

"Yes," The other woman looked slightly pissed that Alex would think otherwise. "Look, you said before that when it was the right time and I knew exactly what I wanted, you would take me." Her eyes were crystal pools as they bore into Alex's. "Well, I know exactly what I'd like and there's no time like the present, so..." She trailed off. "Will you take me?" Her request was soft, almost bashful and the brunette bit her lip. No one in their right mind could resist Piper when she asked like that and she found herself nodding.

"A promise is a promise, right? I don't know any reputable guys in the city , through. Let me make a few calls," She added hurriedly, sensing Piper's disappointment. "Give me a minute," Alex leaned over to capture her lips, leaping out of the bed to grab her phone before disappearing into the bathroom.

Ten minutes later she emerged with a victorious smile. "Found someone. My guy in Brooklyn's cousin knew someone whose stepbrother owns a shop in Marshall Park," She told Piper, referring to a neighborhood in the Southwest area of the city.

"For the record, all of that was completely confusing but thank you, thank you, thank you!" Piper jumped up and flung her arms around Alex's neck. "What time is he expecting us?"

The guitarist looked her up and down, eyeing the way Alex's old Ramones shirt she had borrowed barely covered her ass. "He said his morning's pretty open, so stop by whenever...so there's no..." She licked her bottom lip, as Piper returned her hungry gaze. "rush "

"Shower then?" She asked huskily and without waiting for Alex's response, lifted the t-shirt up over her head and slowly made her way into the bathroom.

 _Insatiable is right,_ Alex raised an eyebrow. And she followed, not far behind as she heard the showers spray against the tile.

An hour or so later, they were sitting in Marshall Park Tattoo, talking to the owner. Brett was young, in his early thirties with a laid back manner, multiple piercings and a sleeve Alex immediately complimented him on. As they spoke to him, it became quite apparent to Alex that Piper wasn't at all apprehensive in her decision. She told Brett what it was she wanted and the three of them headed into a sunny, spacious room where she lay down in the reclining chair.

Grasping her hand, Alex smiled. "I'd ask you if you were sure but I kinda know from experience to stop asking so..."

"Thanks again for taking me...It-it means alot that this is with you, you know?"

Alex did know but instead of replying, she squeezed her hand. "Ready, Pipes? It's now or never."

"Ready," Piper replied, her eyes not leaving Alex. "Ready," She repeated, this time louder for Brett's benefit.

"OK then, Piper...Let's do it." Brett began and Alex watched in wonder as black ink was etched into the skin on her left side directly above her rib cage. Piper did not move a muscle, simply drawing in a sharp intake of breath with the initial contact. Her blue eyes connected with emerald orbs and she smiled, albeit a little shakily.

"You're doing so well, babe," Alex whispered. It was as sexy as hell to watch Piper get tattooed , her hand pressed into Alex's, occasionally mashing down hard on her lower lip. She was putting up a strong front but the light beads of perspiration on her forehead betrayed the fact it did indeed, hurt.

At last Brett was finished and the roaring of the needle came to a stop. "Take a look," He handed Piper a mirror so she could see his work.

"Perfect," She told him as he and Alex helped her to carefully sit up as Brett put a bandage over it. He gave instructions on how to care for it and Alex dutifully promised she'd make sure Piper followed them.

On the drive over, Alex had insisted on paying for the tattoo, despite Piper's protests to the contrary. "It's my treat, Pipes...please?"

In the end, Piper had relented and together they walked out into the warm Oregon sun, hand in hand,, with no real destination in mind.

"Are you in any pain?" Alex questioned "because if you are, we can go grab some Ibuprofen..."

Piper shook her head. "I'm fine. Better than that, actually," Her eyes shone, "It was totally worth it."

"And it looks awesome." She lay a kiss on her knuckle. "I'm curious though, why the infinity symbol? Obviously, it's got a special meaning to you or you wouldn't have gotten it..."

"Don't you know?" Piper stopped walking and pulled them over to sit on a bench in a tiny stretch of park.

"No, I don't..."

"Al," The blonde smiled radiantly at her, "It's for you."

Instantly, Alex's breath hitched. "For me?" she echoed dumbly. "Really?"

"Yes, really. My love for you will never stop. No matter what happens...I can look down at it and there you are, aways." Piper's eyes were filled with tears which Alex was fairly certain had little to do with actual physical pain

"Come here," Alex tucked her into her embrace, at a rare loss for words. "I fucking love it, thank you. And I love you. Like so, so much." She buried her face into the crook of her neck, breathing her in, not wanting to let go.

It wasn't common for her lose control. In fact, she prided herself on being rational and grounded but Piper's omissiom had put her completely off guard.

It was a sweet gesture to be sure and Alex wanted her to know how much it meant to her. No one had ever done anything for her for quite like that before and it made her admire the singer even more, if that were possible.

Still, Alex felt that familiar lump of dread settle into her throat and she swallowed against it. The tattoo had seemed like it served a specific purpose and it occured to Alex then and there, exactly what it was.

A good-bye.


	22. Chapter 22

Nicky, for all her sarcasm and gruff, was not Alex's best friend for nothing. She'd felt a kinship with the tiny woman instantly. Rehab had been almost too much for her definant, angry, nineteen year old self to take but it had not been Nicky's first time at the rodeo and she'd taken Alex under her wing, showing her the ropes, making the three months bearable. When they had checked out, within weeks of one another, (after a disastrous and thankfully short lived intimacy), they discovered their chemistry only lay in making a song together, in fleshing out ithe pieces, bone by bone. They wrote songs of solitude and of pain and then of great joy and they worked incredibly well together, Alex balancing Nicky's manic song writing style with her own calm, methodical process.. It was Alex's idea to form a band. Neither of them sang particularly well and couldn't play drums at all so they remained on the look out for ladies to complete thUeir group. Lorna was a waitress at Red's who causally mentioned to Nicky one day after she'd brought her coffee that she sang. Poussey, they had found through sheer dumb luck; she'd been playing drums for a shitty band at a house party Alex had been at, wooing her to join them by noting she was way too good for the band she was with. It had taken alot for them to even get off of the ground but they had stuck it out and Alex had stuck it out with Nicky, through relaspes and the aftermath of Hurricane Lorna. And Nicky had stuck by Alex in the same manner.

Which was why Alex wasn't shocked to see her friend amble down the aisle and plop in the seat across from her. Red had stolen Piper for the last twenty minutes or so to go over the iternary for the press junket in Boston (the radio interviews they had were all together but Piper would be doing some newspaper spots solo) and Poussey had fallen asleep with her headphones in, Nicky having tucked a travel pillow behind her.

The bassist had been unharacteristically quiet over the past few days, save from enjoying the time she spent with Diane but Alex knew her well enough to know not to push. Piper was still very much a sore subject and although Nicky insisted she liked the singer, the whole thing didnt quite sit well with her, a fact Alex was painfully aware of. Her friend was every bit her protector as Diane was.

"Hey."

"Hey," She returned, nodding her head towards the bassist. "What's up?"

Nicky shrugged. "Oh you know...living in my fuckin' head, thinking about seeing her again...wondering if I'll tell her to go fuck herself or just fuck her."

'"Talk about two different reactions."

"Tell me about it," The other woman said ruefully. "And I obviously don't wanna hurt P more than I already have..."

"How are things with you guys?" She took a swig of water from the Poland Spring bottle on the seat next to her.

"Uh...shaky. Your Mom convinced me talk to her. I mean like really talk to her and she had all these-things she wanted to say, ya know? And I mean, I fucking _like_ her. Who wouldn't, right? She's fucking awesome. But there's no way I can be with somebody now...I'd fuck it up, man. You know I would. Amd I'd end up hurting her. I sure as hell don't want that."

"What'd she say?"

"She said she got it. That she could wait, if there was something to wait for."

"Shit," Alex acknowledged soberingly, "That's serious...I hope you told her you were working on getting your crap together. Maybe once you see Morello you can get her out of your system once and for all and you can move on. P is damn good people."

"Hypocrite," There was no malice in Nicky's tone, only a miserable camaraderie.. "Maybe seeing Larry tomorrow will be what you need to move on."

Her words struck a raw nerve and Alex had to gather herself. "Look," she focused down at her boot, "Not the same situation." A sudden revelation hit her and she glanced back up at Nicky. "Oh fuck me...it's exactly the same situation, isn't it?"

"Except you have what I never did, dude. Chapman loves you. And I tried to overlook it because I didn't want you to get hurt but the other night at the bar, the way she looked at you...You'd have to be blind not to notice. Whatever she decides, it isn't gonna be an easy decision, Vause." She looked out the window as the bus sped down the stretch of highway. "But you at least have a fighting chance."

"Nick," Alex put a hand on her knee, "Morello loved you."

"No she didn't. She loved the idea of me...once the promise of the perfect guy and the white picket fence and the dream of the nice little fucking nuclear family came along...I was nobody to her. "The bassist pursed her lips. "It took me a long time to accept it but I think I finally have."

"Do you think you still have to meet with her then?" She asked carefully.

"Yeah...I think that I do. Tell her how much she hurt me...how she doesn't fucking have control over my mind anymore...that's the only way I can move on, really...with P, with anyone." She focused back on her friend. "She wants to go with me to meet her. Got all protective and shit. It was kinda cute, actually. Usually people assume I can take care of myself."

"Yeah well, we know better. You be careful, you hear me? I'm serious. Don't get sucked in." Lorna could be sweet as pie, but Alex had never fully trusted her. There was a definite manipulative streak in the other woman, one Alex had been able to recognize from the get go. She had mentioned it in passing to Poussey who agreed but their friend had been too far gone to realize it. The singer's sudden proclamation that she was engaged to a man from her hometown and was leaving the band had blindsided all of them, but no one more so than Nicky and she feverently hoped her best friend could keep her head when she saw Lorna face to face for the first time in months. Having Poussey tag along could only help the situation but Alex dare not say another word.

"You too. I mean, the way I see it, you got two choices, dude. Fight for her, tell Larry to back the fuck off or bow out." Nicky shrugged. "The question is, which are you gonna pick?"

Alex sighed deeply, taking a swig of water before replying. "I'm a fighter, man. You know me...I'm not about to let her go easily but at the same time, certain shit is not up to me. I guess we'll see in a few hours, won't we?"

"See what?"

Alex couldn't know exactly how much Piper had heard of their conversation but her tone was casual and she touched Nicky's shoulder lightly as she stood behind her. Without an apology on either end, per say, they had seemed to come to some sort of an unspoken truce and for that at least, she was relieved.

"See how fucking burnt out we"re all gonna be," Nicky covered smoothly. "Boston is no joke..four days, two shows, press shit...buckle up, Chapman."

Her words held a double meaning and it was not lost on either of them as Nicky stood up to go back to her seat and Piper sat down again next to Alex.

"Nichols," Red called from the helm of the bus, "I'd like to speak to you. Now."

The bassist rolled her eyes. "Coming Mom," She turned to Alex and Piper. "See you guys in three hours when she's finally done with me." She sauntered up the aisle.

"She's right, you know," Piper said softly. "Between a short rehearsal time and the two shows and interviews and everything else, it's all going to be completely crazy."

"I know," The guitarist acknowledged, "And anything can happen."

She didn't need to elaborate and Piper rested her head on her shoulder. "I told him I'm staying at the hotel , because we're getting in from the airport so late. He's picking me up at 10 tomorrow morning because he has the time we're on town off from work. I'm going to stay at our apartment while I'm here. I...I know we never really discussed it."

As much as it felt like a blow, Alex had expected as much. Realistically, she knew she had no rights as far as Piper was concerned, for the time being at least, and no real control of what Piper did and didn't do with Larry. But it wasn't something she wanted to consider either.

"You'll meet Polly too and fair warning, she'll probably figure us out the second she lays on you. She's as perceptive as your Mom but there's no way in hell she's going to be as cool about it. She worships the ground Larry walks on."

"Whatever happens, I'll deal with it, Piper. Not much can break me at this point." _Except you choosing Larry,_ she silently added. It wasn't a fair assertion to make and she knew it. She hadn't asked the other woman to make such a decision yet but it was coming. Piper needed to take the lead first, to give her an indicator of where she stood.

"Well, we have the rest of this bus ride together and the flight and then the hotel for a bit, anyway..." The blonde trailed off. "This is going to change everything again, isn't it? Whatever happens...nothing's going to be like it was before."

"No." Laying a kiss on her head, Alex brought her closer. "It's not."

A few hours (and a diner stop and two Starbucks runs) later, the band and Red arrived at the airport in Boise to board the redeye to Boston. The bus would make the rest of the trek and meet them in Boston the following day. When Alex had questioned why Red didn't just fly them the entire way from Portland or why they hadn't just remained on the bus she'd fed her some garbage about budgetary needs. "Do you really want to spend two days on a bus?" She asked, shaking her head. "You girls give me enough worry without spending all that time in close quarters."

Piper hated flying; it was one of the first things Alex had learned about her and though she had traveled quite a bit both with her family and throughout college, the flight itself sent her into a state of panic and she'd fall into an immediate uneasy slumber for the duration, her coping mechanism of choice.

In Boise, though, she grabbed Alex's hand upon take off, the other woman squeezing it back reassuringly and held it for the entire four hour plane ride, even as she slept. Across the aisle, Nicky and Poussey were out cold, heads resting on one another's, Red behind them, glasses perched on her nose, typing furiously on her laptop, muttering something Alex couldn't quite make out.

She couldn't sleep. Not that she ever could on an airplane. Everything was too sterile, too far removed from the the common comforts of home (or more accurately as of late, a hotel) for her to relax enough to be able to even shut her eyes. Instead, she calmed herself by counting Piper's slow, steady breaths, watching the way her face completely relaxed, the smile skirting briefly over her features making Alex wonder if she were dreaming. She hoped it was about her.

Mercifully, they finally landed at Logan airport (an exhausted Piper having slept through the entire flight) and across the aisle her bandmates began to stir as the plane made a somewhat bumpy landing on the strip.

Hey," Alex gently nudged the blonde after their captain had made his final speech and they were welcomed to Boston, "We're here."

Piper opened her eyes, blinking rapidly. "That was quick." Her voice was still thick with sleep and Alex smiled.

"C'mon, we'll get our bags and hop on the shuttle to the hotel." She unfastened her seatbelt and rose, extending her hand to Piper as she did the same. Luckily, they didn't have rehearsal until five at night, giving them adequate time to rest, save for a interview at two.

There was little hope for sleep though for her though, even as she crawled into the cool linen sheets and rested her head on the 500 thread count pillows ("Maybe we'd have money for air travel if we didn't stay at expensive ass hotels all the time," she had grumbled to Nicky once. Her friend had countered, "Red doesn't do Holiday Inn's"), Piper already in bed. She wrapped her long body around the other woman's, tracing small circles across her shoulder blades, noting how very tangible she felt underneath the tips of her fingers. Piper was warm and safe and very much hers at that moment. It was silly, really. She didn't belong to anyone but herself but truthfully, Alex was just as much Piper's as she felt like she was hers. There was no one else for her and no matter what the circumstances were or what they became, her heart was taken.

"Night." The singer said softly, sounding completely spent once again. What she wasn't saying came through loud and clear. _I'm_ _scared._

Alex got it. She was absolutely terrified of what was to come but she remained silent, choosing to siimply kiss the top of her head. Her hands rested on Piper's hips and she pullled her in just a little more, even though it was pretty much physically impossible to get any closer. The digital clock on the nightstand flashed 2:45 a.m., which meant that in seven hours, Larry would pick Piper up. She would see her at the radio interview, of course, and rehearsal, but it would not be the same woman as whom she was holding. That would be _his_ Piper; perfectly coiffed and reserved and quietly confident. That Piper was fine too, Alex had grown to love all facets of her personality but she knew there was so much more...sides of her she hadn't shown anybody but Alex. Either that or she was naive enough to believe it.

The sound of water jolted her awake and groaning, she rolled over to squint at the time. 9:15. Piper was in the shower, her side of the bed rumpled and barren and Aex immediately missed her warmth. It was the first time since they'd begun their thing, whatever it was, (affair didnt seem quite right but neither did relationship) that she'd woken up without Piper next to her. The feeling instantly left her displaced somehow, as if something had been taken from her abruptly.

Before she had a moment to mope, Piper emerged from the bathroom fully dressed, towel drying her hair haphazardly. She wore a pencil skirt and a white button down and it almost took the other woman aback seeing her dressed so formally, as she had grown accustomed to her more casual look of late.

"Hey," She greeted, seeing she was up. "Did I wake you?"

"No." She sat up. "You look nice."

Self consciously, Piper glanced down. "Thanks. Don't worry, I'll change for the interview."

"It's the radio, Pipes," She laughed lightly, "No one's gonna see you."

"I know...all I meant was it's not in line with our image. I have other clothes I can wear."

"Oh, so Larry likes the uptight look. I get it now." There was an edge to her tone and she realized it as soon as she said it.

"Don't be nasty, Al, please." She sighed, sitting beside her on the bed. "Do you think any of this is easy for me? Leaving you here, being deceitful to him, knowing how I feel about you? This sucks, big time. But I haven't seen him in a month, OK? I need to feel things out, see where things are at."

"Doesn't make me any less jealous." She mumbled and Piper rose an eyebrow. "What? You don't think I get jealous? He may have been with you first, Piper, but I'm in over my head here and the thought of him kissing you and touching you..." Her green eyes darkned. "It makes me fucking nuts."

Logically, she knew this was the point where she should ask Piper to make a solid decision so she could know either way what to do. Diane would've told her to man the fuck up and lay it all out so she knew whether it was a real, genuine love or Nicky and Morello, redux. Didn't she have enough to be concerned about, what with two nearly sold-out shows, two interviews, and the possible further psychological torture Morello could inflict on Nicky? But despite realizing this was the best course of action, she felt once again, it simply wasn't the right time and she was beginning to think there never would be one.

"Sweetie," She placed her hand on Alex's knee, "Nothing can change how I feel about you. Nothing. The best, most unexpected gift in all of this...that was you, Al. And I wouldn't change a thing. But Larry was a big part of my life...he still is. We're supposed to be getting married in three weeks..."

Alex looked down at her hand and exhaled sharply. "You put your ring back on," she observed. "Because you're seeing him."

"Yes," Piper replied uncomfortably, "I'm seeing him and he'd definitely notice."

She hadn't worn her ring steadily for weeks, aside from being on stage where there were sure to be pictures taken. Her excuse had been it was constantly catching on things, but Alex knew the real reason was it was difficult to sleep with someone else while you had a huge rock screaming thae reminder you were engaged.

"Just weird, that's all."

"I know," Piper kissed her tenderly and Alex clung to her for a minute, pressing their foreheads together. "Everything feels weird right now."

"I wish I'd gotten up sooner. I could've taken you to breakfast. Or coffee, at least."

"I thought about that too, but I'm glad you slept," She smiled. "You looked so peaceful. I'm always up after you so I never get to watch you sleep. You're so beautiful."

"Creep," Alex said fondly, unwilling to let her go. She was painfully aware that Larry would be at the hotel very soon and she wanted to do anything to keep her there as long as humanly possible. "Let me buy you a coffee...there's a Starbucks downstairs. That way you'll be close to the lobby when he comes."

Knowing fully well she was just buying time, the singer readily agreed and together they took the elevator downstairs where Alex bought the other woman an iced Americano and herself a grande black, her stomach swimming too much for anything rich. They elected to sit on the plush lobby sofa, watching people come and go without comment.

Sitting so closely together that their knees kept brushing, Alex let herself miss Piper one more time, down to the bottom of her soul, before she steeled herself. Crying wouldn't help anything but staying busy would keep her mind from wandering. She'd grab Nicky when Piper left for a song writing session. They needed to work on the new album and there wasnever a time where she could use the distraction more.

Piper's phone buzzed, cutting through the silence, and she glanced at it quickly. "I've gotta go." They both stood and she hugged Alex tightly.

"Love you," She said into her ear but Alex couldn't reply. Instead she squeezed her in turn, brushing her lips against Piper's cheek.

"I'll see you at two, OK?" The singer picked up the handle of her suitcase and wheeled it toward the front door, turning to go.

"Pipes!" Alex called and the other woman turned around, stopping in her tracks, her blue eyes uneasy. "Uh...see you at two."

Once again, Piper seemed to hear the unspoken sentiment in her words and she smiled. "See youAnd with that, she was gone.

"Fuck," Alex found herself sinking back down into the couch, all the air seeming to deflate from her lungs. There was no way she was going to stick around to see Piper and Larry's reunion so she headed back upstairs and knocked on Nicky's door.

"Yo," She answered the door in her underwear and a tank top, her hair looking like she'd gotten electrocuted, rubbing her eyes blearily. "It's waaay too fuckin' early, Vause." Getting a good look at her friend's face, she quickly shook her head and stepped aside to let her in.

"Chapman left, huh?"

"What makes you say that?" Alex flung herself across Nicky's unmade bed, shoving her face into the pillow.

"Well, frankly you look like shit."

"Thanks, I fucking love you too."

Nicky shrugged. "Just being honest, man. And you're all mopey."

Alex lifted her head. "I am not mopey."

"Whatever you need to tell yourself, dude. It's fine...she went back to him. Fucking blows. I get it."

"She did not go back to him, for your information," She retorted. "She's seeing where things stand, OK? Is she just supposed to blurt shit out?"

"OK...well, did you tell her to tell him? Regardless of what she decides, at the end of the day, she's fucking lying and she's gonna go and build her marriage on a lie?"

"What do you care if her marriage is built on a lie? Aren't you the one who's always saying what a fucking douche bag Larry is?" She narrowed her eyes. "Whose side are you on anyway?"

"Always yours," She answered smoothly perching in the desk chair across from her. "But lying is fucking awful...Larry's an asshole but she should still tell him. Maybe he'll dump her on the spot and there you go..."

"I don't want to be her consolation prize, Nick," She loved the girl, she truly did, but sometimes she missed the bigger picture in such a glaring way, she was tempted to smack her upside her head. "I want her to be with me because she wants to..."The brunette swept her glasses up and sighed. "My head really hurts so can we please not talk about this anymore?"

"Whatever you need," Nicky rose and began pulling random articles of clothing out of the drawers. "You can buy me breakfast, if that'll help. I'm fucking starving. Don't think I ate anything since like 9 last night."

Alex rolled her eyes but smiled in spite of herself. "Do you ever not think about food?"

"Uh, yeah. When I'm thinking abou sex. Sometimes I think about food during sex so...I guess you have a point."

Alex chucked a pillow at her head. "Hurry up, will ya? We have an album to work on."

"You better be buying me a really good breakfast," Nicky grumbled, slipping into a pair of jeans. "And before you ask, no I haven't spoken to Morello. Last time she texted she said she wanted to meet after tomorrow's concert and she would let me know when and where..."

"Not that your stubborn ass is going to listen to me anyway, but I still think you should bring P with you. I mean, can't hurt, right?"

"You worry about Chapman, OK? You have a motherfuckin' boatload of shit to handle besides my problems. Let's go."

Luckily, time with Nicky did get her mind off of Piper and they managed to have both a delicious breakfast at a place in Harvard Square and work on a few songs they'd been tossing around. Around one, they headed back to the hotel to get ready for their interview on K-109.6.

Alex got dressed quickly, opting for a fitted short black skirt, black spaghetti strapped tank top and thigh high boots, playing up her eyes with shadow and eyeliner. She had just finished applying mascara when a text came in. Picking up her phone from the bathroom counter, she read Piper's messege, scowling.

 _Larry's coming to the radio station._

 _Fucking wonderful,_ She replied hurriedly, her mouth forming a thin, hard line as she typed. Defintely the last news she expected and completely unwelcome at that. The thought of facing him, of facing them together, was enough to feel her breakfast begin to come up.

"Man up, Vause ," Alex told her reflection. Seeing him was inevitable and it was happening sooner rather than later. She had no choice but to deal with it.

With one final glance in the mirror, she headed out the door and down to The Green Line to head to the station. There was no sense in waiting for the girls as Nicky would undoubtedly show closer to two and not having heard from Poussey all day, she had no idea what time she'd be there. It would have been nice to walk in with reinforcements but Alex was used to doing things on her own.

Upon entering, getting a vistor's pass, and being directed to a little green room, she immediately spied her bandmates, her heart pounding with relief. Nicky looked remarkably put together for her and Poussey wore a white halter top and fitted jeans and Alex noticed rather quickly that Nicky was doing her very best to try not to stare. It was hard to keep a straight face and she turned away so no one would see her smirk. Then she saw them.

Piper and Larry were hand in hand, Larry beaming, obviously buoyant to have Piper back on his arm. The blonde, for her part, appeared a little less thrilled. She had changed (as she told Alex she was going to), into black ankle length jeans, strappy sandals, and a tank that Alex instantly recognized as hers, the lace netting on the collar making it unmistakable.

 _Holy fuck, she's wearing my shirt._ The thought that Piper had packed the item into her luggage and claimed it, was inexplicably making her knees weak. If the singer was trying to send her a messege, it was coming through loud and clear.

It was then that they locked eyes and Piper finally smiled for the first time since she'd entered the room. "Hey, Alex. Hi," She turned to Nicky and Poussey. "You guys ready?"

"Ready as we'll ever be, I guess.," Alex matched her light tone, not trusting herself to say much more. "Larry," she acknowledged, "What's up?"

"Just glad to have my girl back," He replied with a grin, giving Piper a light squeeze. "Missing her like crazy. Plus, now we can finalize some wedding stuff in person, huh, Pipe? This one is always too busy to talk much when I call." Larry shook his finger at Alex jokingly, "You're working her too hard, boss."

"Oh yeah, Al is a real slave driver." There was a mischievous glint in the blonde's eye that made Alex uneasy. "So demanding too..."

Nicky, who'd been talking with Poussey while simultaneously shoving pretzels in her mouth that the radio station provided, happened to hear Piper's end of the conversation and raised her eyebrow while the drummer put her head into her hands.

"Is that true, Alex?" Larry questioned, kissing the side of Piper's head. "I think she deserves an extra long honeymoon then, right? We're thinking Cancun..."

Piper shrugged nonchalantly. "Nothing's set in stone."

"So the wedding is two days after you play New York. September 17th. Piper told you guys you're invited, didn't she? Seriously, you all are a big part of her life now. The more the merrier, right? My Dad booked The Plaza, so..."

Thankfully before Alex could reply (and she really had no clue whatsoever what would've come out of her mouth), an intern entered the room and introduced herself.

"Hey guys," She addressed the room cheerfully, "My name's Casey and I'm going to-"

"Stop right there," Red had just stepped through the door, making every bit the grand (late) entrance. "I'm their manager and I need to see a list of questions. They will only answer what I approve of..."

Casey looked taken aback. "Uh, that's the first I'm hearing of this but uh, what do I know, right? I'm just an intern."

"Find someone who does know then or I take my girls and go," The manager growled with a ferocity that even Alex would've found frightening if she didn't know the older woman was putting on a complete act.

"Let me go see what I can do."

Casey rushed off and the room was completely silent until Nicky said, "Jesus, Red, way to make the intern piss her pants."

"Pre-approved questions?" Alex chimed in, hands on her hips. "Is that really nessecary?"

Red glared in her direction. "Do you really want to answer questions about your personal life?"

"I have nothing to hide," She was never one to back down from a challenge and she knew exactly what their manager was alluding to.

Casey suddenly reappeared. "Here you go," She handed Red a piece of paper, tucking her long blond hair behind her ears nervously.

Red scanned the list skeptically, her mouth twitching. Finally she looked up. "OK. We'll do it. Ready ladies?" Noticing Larry, she grinned. "And gentleman."

She couldn't fucking believe he was going with them and as he guided Piper into the hall, his hand resting on the small of her back, she felt a swift, venomous rage rise up in her. She wanted to tell him to take his fucking hands off of her, to proclaim her love in front of everyone, to cause a huge scene, _something._ But she bit her bottom lip hard instead and forced herself to look away.

The interview went extremely well and the DJ's, Robby and Jim, were affable and funny and although Alex had a difficult time being overly warm (at least in her opinion), she thought she did a decent job of selling the concert and Nicky and Poussey made up for whatever charm she lacked. Quite a few of the questions were directed toward Piper whom Robby said "people were going out of their freakin' minds for." Piper was humble and slightly self-depreciating and adorable as hell but Alex couldn't help but think some of her answers were given being mindful of the fact Larry was in the room.

Finally they were finished and as they said their good-byes and headed out, Alex reminding them they had a rehearsal in two hours, Larry touched her arm.

"Hey," He said quietly, glancing at Piper who was talking to Red, "I just want to thank you for taking such good care of her on the road. She told me that one night she had too much to drink and you made sure she was OK...I know she told you some stuff about her past. I hate not being there, you know? But knowing she has you to look after her...well, you're a great friend to her, Alex, and I appreciate that more than you know."

If he had punched her or sworn at her, it would've been easier to accept. But his gratitude..that was a pill she just couldn't swallow and she certainly didn't need a reason to feel sorry for Larry Bloom. Yes, he was possessive and clingy but the man was so stupidly unassuming that Alex had a small pang of guilt.

"It's no big deal. Piper's one of us and we take care of each other."

"Still," He jammed his hands into the pocket of his khakis, "I can tell she values your opinion. Do you think it's possible to take off for those two weeks? Like the first two weeks in October? Pipe told me you're working on a new album but it won't drop by then, will it?" He trained his puppy dog brown eyes on her. "I think she could really use a break. She's been at it hard this month."

 _Oh, you have no idea._ Aloud, she said. "Whatever, that should be fine." _Please, just stop talking._

Luckily, Piper elected to go over at that moment to save her. "What are you guys talking about?"

"Oh nothing," Larry put an arm around her waist, "Just chit chatting. Can't I get to know my fiancee's friends? Especially the important ones. Right, Alex?"

"Right." She looked at Piper, her eyes stealing up and down the length of her body. "Nice shirt."

The singer turned red. "Thanks. Um, anyway, Larry and I are going to grab some lunch before rehearsal, so I'll see you soon."

"Why don't you come?" Larry suggested amicably. "If you don't have plans."

"I'm sure Alex-"

"It's fine...thanks anyway, but I have stuff to do." Chinese water torture was preferable to watch Larry make googly eyes at Piper over Cesar salad.

"Well, how about dinner after rehearsal? Everyone is invited...my treat. And I'll see if Polly and Pete are free too."

"Uh, sure," She replied, realizing she was fucked. There was no getting out of it but at least her friends would be around if shit got too weird.

"Great, it's settled then. Alex, I'll see you in a few hours. C'mon, Pipe."

Turning to leave, Piper turned back. "I'm sorry," she mouthed over her shoulder, making an apologetic face. Alex wasn t sure if she meant for Larry's impromptu dinner invitation or the whole mess in general, but her apology was of little comfort.

As soon as they had left, Nicky and Poussey strolled up. "Did I fucking hear that clown right? He's coming to rehearsal now too? Jesus, does the poor girl get to take a shit alone?"

Alex sighed. "Yeah, he's a clingy motherfucker."

"And he wants us to have dinner with them tonight," Poussey added incredulously. "Like that ain't gonna be awkward as fuck."

"Piper's best friend and her husband are tagging along too," Alex groaned. "Seriously, fuck my life. What did I do to deserve this?"

Nicky put a hand on her shoulder. "Easy, sister. You fell in love with a straight, engaged girl. Makes perfect sense to me."

Rehearsal was every bit as weird as Alex had thought it would be and she was tempted to tell Larry their practices were ususally closed and to come back in two hours, but she tried her best to ignore him. It wasn't easy, especially when she realized Piper was holding back ever so slightly. Of course, her voice was velvet, same as always, but she approached the love songs with a slight trepidation that could be blamed on nothing else but her discomfort with the situation.

Finally, they were finished and they made plans to meet up at a tapas restaurant in Back Bay within the half an hour.

As they restored the rehearsal space to what it looked like, Nicky sauntered up. "You gonna head back to the hotel to change?"

"Wasn't planning on it. You?"

Nicky shook her head. "I'm not the one who has to make a good impression on the best friend, though."

Alex made a face but she ended up going back to thel hotel anyway and putting on a pair of fitted jeans and a black Cynthia Rowley t-shirt she had gotten in Portland. A little touch of red lipstick completed the look and she found herself staring into the mirror longer than she normally would have. She knew she looked good but she also knew Polly would be a hard sell, no matter what.

Twenty minutes and an Uber ride later, Alex walked into the restaurant. The place was decorated in lush reds and oranges and lit by candlelight. The thought fleetingly crossed her mind that she'd love to take Piper on a date to a place like this. Reality hit like a splash of cold water as soon as the hostess directed her to their table and she saw Larry and Piper, heads bent in, laughing over a joke she was not privy to.

"Hey," Nicky greeted, waving her over. "Sit next to me. Pete was just telling us about the time he was scaling a mountain in New Guinea and the harness broke and he was trapped on the side of the mountain for like, four hours."

"Scariest day of my life," He quipped in an English accent. "Except for my wedding day. Sorry, babe," He apologized with a grin to the petite brunette next to him.

She rolled her eyes. "Please don't take anything he says seriously," She told the table. "He's just never been around so many beautiful women at once." Polly looked at Alex."I'm Polly, by the way. Piper's told me alot about you. You're actually all she talks about lately...you and the band."

"Alex," She extended her hand, willing her face to stay neutral. "I've heard alot about you too."

"All good things, I hope."

"Of course," Managing a strained smile, she whispered to Nicky, "I hope you ordered me a drink."

"Bloom got some pitchers of sangria," Her friend touched her arm. "Sorry, I know that's not your usual..."

Alex shook her head. "If it has alcohol in it, I'm good."

"Stop whisperin' over there, you two," Poussey called, setting down her menu. "What's goin' on? You gotta share with the table."

"Just talking liquor," Nicky said evenly. "So," She directed toward Polly, "You guys are coming to the show tomorrow night, I hear?"

"Yeah, we can't wait. I've been keeping up with you guys online...been getting raves in every city."

"A huge part of it is thanks to Piper," Alex couldn't resist adding, "We all work our asses off, of course, but she's crazy talented."

Piper smiled at her from the other side of the table. "Thanks but you give me far too much credit, Al."

"Mhmm," Polly had a peculiar expression on her face. "Yes, Piper's always been very driven, even in college. She deserves all this and more."

"Undoubtedly," Larry agreed, lifting up his glass. "No sangria yet, but that's OK. A toast to my lady. Pipe," He turned to her, "We're all so proud of you and I, for one, can't believe such a goddess is going to make me the happiest man alive in three weeks. To Piper!"

Everyone followed suit and as Alex lifted her water glass to her mouth to drink, she felt Polly's eyes on her.

"So, Piper, " Her friend asked, "We haven't really talked wedding stuff in awhile...you still planning on wearing Nana's dress?"

"Uh, yeah. It's in the closet, in the apartment. Should still fit. Hopefully," She laughed.

"And you'll wear my earrings and shoes from my wedding."

"Yeah, sounds good. "

"God, where's the Piper I know? The one who used to have her clothes colored coded and make endless lists? You're awfully blase for someone who's getting married in less than a month."

Piper shrugged, "The Piper you know hasn't been in a different city every few days. It's fine. It'll get done. It's a really small wedding."

Polly stared. "OK...if you say so."

The waiter brought over the pitchers of sangria and Larry busied himself by pouring everyone a glass. When he got to Polly, she passed.

"Oh my God," Piper said sharply, her eyes widening, "Pol, are you-"

No," Her friend said softly, "But we've been trying, so.."

"That's amazing!" Larry enthused, slapping Pete on the shoulder. "Great news. Hell, maybe Piper and I will follow you guys soon."

Alex choked on her water, Nicky immediately patting her back. "I'm fine," She managed, "I just need some air."

Rising, the brunette practically bolted out of the restaurant and as Nicky stood to follow her, Piper put up her hand. "I'll go check on her, you enjoy your drink. Uh, panic attack," She explained to Larry on the way out the door. "She gets them all the time. Be right back."

"Alex?" The blonde looked outside the front of the restaurant. "Are you still here?"

"Yeah." She answered from the side walk. "I'm fine, Piper. Go back inside."

"You certainly didn't look fine in there. You're as white as a sheet." She sat down next to her.

"Seriously, you better go before Larry sends out a search party."

"He knows I'm with you..." Her tone lowered. "He was talking out of his ass, you know. We've never even discussed having kids."

"Wasn't just that, Pipes," She turned to look at her," "It's sitting in that fucking restaurant, watching you guys being a real couple, watching you guys all day, actually. As much as I knew exactly what I was getting into, it still really fucking hurts. OK? Satisfied now?"

Tears spilled over but she couldn't bring herself to give a fuck. She couldn't remember the last time she cried but she was far past the point of preserving her image.

"I didn't sleep with him."

"What?" She swiped at her wet cheeks.

"I made some lame excuse..." Her blue eyes were earnest and she took Alex's hand in hers. "I just couldn't do it...the only thing I could think about was you."

"Piper-"

"OK," They looked up to see Polly standing in front of them, her hands planted firmly on her hips. "Does one of you mind telling me exactly what the hell is going on here?"

Dropping Alex's hand, Piper shook her head. "What do you mean?"

"Oh, come on Piper, I know you, remember, and I know when you're not telling me something." She turned to Alex. "I saw the way you were looking at her in there...how long has this been going on, huh?"

Alex was about to protest when Polly went on, "I mean it all makes so much more sense now...Piper's constantly talking about you...the little looks, the reluctance with wedding planning...Fuck, Piper, how could you be so stupid? Guys like Larry don't come across every day and you're going to throw it all away to experiment? She's hot, I get it, I went to Smith too, you know. And she's a musician but what the hell were you thinking?"

"Can you please stop fucking talking about me like I'm not here?"

"Oh, you do not get to have a say in this," Polly raged, "You slept with her, even though you knew she was engaged...what was she to you? A conquest?"

"Pol, I love you. You know I do. But right now, you need to shut up. You have no idea what you're talking about. It isn't like that."

Something changed in Polly's expression and she immediately stopped dead in her tracks. "Holy shit. You're telling me you guys are in love...aren't you?"

"It's nothing I ever planned on," Piper said quietly. "It just kind of...happened."

"Well, you're going to have to tell him. No matter what else happens, you can't keep lying." Polly's face was ashen. "It isn't fair to him, Piper, and you know it."

"I know," She sighed. "I'm just waiting for the right time."

"Oh no. No." Polly's voice was steel. "You need to tell him. Tonight. Because if you don't, then I will."


	23. Chapter 23

"Polly," Alex rose, forcing herself to speak calmly. "Look, I know you don't know me And I don't know you either.. At all. But you do know Piper and she thinks the world of you. So I'm asking for her, not for me...Please don't do this. You can't give her an ultimatum like that."

"You're right," Polly countered harshly, "You don't know me. You also don't know about Piper and Larry. He stood by her through everything; her depression, her music career ..he's the one who convinced her to audition for your band...and then she goes and makes the shitty decision to fall for you. Where does that leave him? Do you think it's OK for them to get married without him knowing? Even if you guys end it, and who knows if or when that'll happen, the fact is you cheated, Piper." She looked over at her friend. "Nothing will change that and Larry deserves the truth."

"And you shouldn't be the one to tell him," She understood where the woman was coming from and she knew that she'd saved Piper's life and for that, she was extremely grateful, but there was where it ended. She was getting sick of the blantant assumptions and Polly's holier than thou attitude. "Piper is the one who should decide how and when. Not you. Not me." The guitarist stood toe to toe with her, rising up to her full 5'9" height. She definitely wasn't someone who ever got violent but she knew how to be intimidating if the situation called for it.

Polly barely blinked. "I'm Larry's friend too. And I won't let him be made an asshole of."

"Oh, so you'll throw Piper under the bus? That sounds ike a pretty shitty fucking friend to me." By now, Alex was seething. Her temper, which she ususally managed to keep tightly in check, was bubbling over the surface, and she wanted nothing more than to wipe the smug expression off of Polly's face.

"It's OK, Alex." The blonde stood, her arms crossed over her chest, her face a mask of emotion. "You don't have to defend me. She's pissed and she's got every right to be. "Hey," she said to Polly, "I know I fucked up. I cheated. I lied. I'm still being dishonest. Not that you believe me, but I never wanted to hurt him. And whether you tell him or I tell him, he's going to get hurt. And I'm so sorry for that," Piper's voice broke. "But I'm not sorry for Alex...for meeting her or for falling for her. I'm not. And I know you can't understand that...but it's the truth."

"Pipe," Her friend softened slightly, "If you're not in love with him anymore, that's one thing. I mean, I don't get it, but I can accept it. I can even accept if you want to be with her," Her disdain was evident and Alex looked away. "But letting him just go on thinking everything is fine..." Pausing, she exhaled, forcing Piper to meet her unrelenting gaze. "What are you going to do? Once you tell him, I mean?"

"I don't know," She admitted, glancing at Alex. "I have to get through telling him first. He'll probably hate me."

"What about you?" Polly asked the other woman. "I mean, you can't be happy being the secret, can you? Or is Piper not the first taken girl you've lured in?"

"That's enough, Polly." Piper's eyes flashed angrily and Alex was momentarily surprised. She had gotten small glimpses of Piper's short fuse (as she had described it to Alex), but never direct anger. A small swell of pride crept into the center of her chest. Unaccustomed to having another person (aside from her mom and Nicky) stand up for her, she felt strangely happy listening to Piper defend her to Polly.

"OK, OK, I know I'm being a bitch...but this is an upsetting situation, Piper, you have to give me that. I'm still in shock here. Alex...I don't know you and I don't know the situation and I need to shut up about it. Piper...please, please tell him. As soon as possible. If you value our friendship at all..."

"I'll tell him after the concert tomorrow night," She blurted. "I promise. I just need us to get through the first show, alright? Right after that, I'll tell him everything, I swear."

"Are you sure?" Alex said lowly near her ear. "Don't let her pressure you into doing something you aren't ready for. I want you to be sure, OK?"

"It's time, Al," Piper took a deep breath, "I need to do this. Please understand."

"You ladies OK out here?" Pete popped his head out the door. "Thought we lost you. We've nearly finished a whole pitcher of sangria," He grinned. "You coming back in? Crisis averted?"

His wife nodded with a tight lipped smile. "Crisis averted. C'mon, Piper...Alex." They wordlessly followed Pete back into the restaurant.

"All good?" Nicky murmured as Alex slid into the seat next to her.

"Not really. I'll fill you in later."

"Here," She pushed a full glass of sangria toward her. "You clearly need this. Drink up."

The bassist didn't have to ask twice. Picking up the glass, Alex downed it in four large gulps, almost missing Larry asking if she was okay, realizing at the last minute, it wss directed toward her.

"Uh, yeah, thanks. I'm fine."

"We were worried about you. Then Piper never came back either so Polly volunteerd to check on you guys." Larry draped his arm across Piper's shoulder. "This one is a good friend, huh? One the like, three million reasons I'm marrying her."

Polly snorted and Pete gave her a strange look. "Sorry, something was in my throat. Um, what do we want to eat?"

Across from her, Alex noticed Poussey grimace before she quickly covered, "Ya'll were takin' too damn long. We went ahead and got a bunch of stuff. It'll be a surprise."

"We all know how much I love fucking suprises," Polly replied dryly, sipping her water.

"You OK, Pol?" Larry asked, "You look a little upset."

"No, no. I'm good. Just a little tired, that's all. Work has been super stressful lately." Polly ran her own handmade soap business and although she had people who worked for her, she always ended up taking a large amount of the orders herself, leaving her exhausted. She had tried to persuade Piper many times to work for her but her friend had had her eye on the prize.

"I keep telling her she needs to take it easy," Pete kissed her forehead. "She works too hard for her own good."

"Oh, Pipe too, right, honey? She's a total workacholic with this music thing." Larry chimed in.

"It's not a "thing", Larry." Annoyance dripped into her voice. "And it's hardly work...it's my everything. And you of all people should know that."

The table grew silent. "That's not-I didn't mean anything-" He stuttered, "God, Piper...you know I didn't mean it like that. Of course it's everything to you. I know how important this is."

If Alex hadn't been directly involved in the whole situation, she might have felt sorry for Larry who seemed to have the uncanny talent of sticking his foot into his mouth one too many times Then again, she had definitely told a person or two to fuck off in her day when they made an asinine comment about music not being a real career.

"I'm sorry," She rubbed her eyes. "I'm just really tired. And cranky. Once we eat, I think we should just head back, if that's OK."

"Sure, honey. Whatever you wanna do."

Their dishes arrived shortly after Alex was immensely grateful for the distraction as she immersed herself in eating empanadas and palmeritos. As long as her mouth was full and her head was down near her plate, she didn't have to answer Larry's inane, dopey questions or meet Polly's judgemental glares or witness Piper sucking the sangria from the orange slices at the bottom of her glass in such a way Alex wanted to leap across the table and rip her clothes off.

Nicky and Poussey both made light conversation but they were obviously just being polite and it was quite clear to Alex there was only one thing to do to salvage the disastrous evening. She finished her dinner, left money for the bill, bid good-bye to Larry and Piper and fucking Polly and her husband and dragged Nicky and P to a bar that served real shit.

She got drunk. Very drunk. She got so drunk that her friends had to support her on both sides to walk out from the bar and haul her ass into a cab back to the hotel.

Alex stumbled into Nicky's room and swan dove onto the bed. "S'bad," she mumbled, her dark hair a inky land mass on the stark white pillows. "So, so bad."

"What's bad, dude?" Gently, the curly haired bassist helped her up into a sitting position and handed her a bottle of water, unscrewing the cap and putting it to her lips. "Drink," she ordered.

"Always so fucking bossy," She did as told and slumped back down. "Everything sucks right now."

"I know," Her friend's voice was sympathetic. "You had to see her strut around with Bloom all fuckin' day with him looking like the cat who ate the canary...that had to be so hard."

"Not to mention dinner," Poussey sat down carefully next to her, placing a cool washcloth over her eyes. "Member when I said it was gonna be awkward as fuck? Yeah, well, it was 700 times more awkward than that."

"Hell yeah it was," Nicky agreed. "Like painfully. And what was up with that chick Polly, man? She kept giving you fuckin' death stares and shit."

"Cuz she knows." Alex managed to reply slurredly. "About Piper and me." She struggled to find a comfortable position but the room was beginning to spin.

"Oh fuck..how'd she find out? Chapman didn't say nothin' to her, did she?" Poussey re -positioned the pillow for her.

"Fucking guessed." The guitarist moaned. "She's gonna tell him."

"Who? Polly is?"

"Piper." Suddenly her stomach twisted painfully and she managed to pull herself out of bed and stumble to the bathroom just in time to throw up.

In an instant, she felt Nicky's hands holding her hair back. "Hey, hey..." She said quietly, "It's OK...you're all good, man. Get it all out."

She vomited again and Poussey rubbed her back comfortingly until her stomach was completely empty. When she finished, they handed her the bottle of water again and somehow helped her into the shower. Fuzzily, she didn't protest as Nick washed her hair and together they got her into sweats and back into bed again.

"Shit, I'm sorry," Her tongue felt like it weighed a hundred pounds and it was difficult to form coherent words through the thickness.

"Shhh, just rest, OK?" Nicky leamed over her. "You don't have to apologize for shit, Al. You know that. How many years have you put up with me now, huh?"

"This fucking sucks.. Like so bad." She half sobbed, turning into the pillow. "I love her so much, Nick."

"I know you do, kiddo. But there's not anything else you can do. Trust me, I get it. But you got me, ya know? And P. We're not going anywhere, understand?" Her friend smoothed an errant strand of hair that had fallen into her eyes, with a gentleness that Alex hadn't seen come out very often in the sixteen years she had known the curly haired bassist, signaling that this was indeed the shittest of situations.

"I'm tired," Alex whispered, closing her eyes. It hurt to think and it hurt to feel and all she wanted to do was wipe the entire evening completely from her memory.

"Sleep. We're here."

True to her word, Nicky was still there the next morning as light filtered through the blinds, making Alex groan at the sudden intrusion.

"Sorry." She rose to shut the offending shades further. "Thought I closed them all the way."

"What time is it?" Alex lifted her head up, only to put it right back down. "Ugh. I feel like shit."

"It's called a hangover, sweetheart," Nicky grinned, sitting down in the chair across from her. "You kinda got completely fucked up last night."

"Uh uh, no way. I don't get hangovers."

"Uh huh. Tell that to yourself when you try to get out of bed." She laughed as Alex did just that and moaned as her equilibrium refused to allow her to even attempt to swing her legs over the side and she slumped back against the pillows. "Anyway, It's almost nine thirty."

"I puked, didn't I?" She put her hand over her eyes. "This could not get any fucking worse."

"Yeah..I don't know about that. You remember telling us that Polly figured out what was going on with you and Chapman? And that Chapman decided to tell Larry?"

"Fuck...goddammit. Well, I was gonna tell you guys anyway."

"What the hell happened?"

"She just guessed and then she basically manipulated Piper into telling Larry by saying if she didn't, then she was going to."

"Shit."

"Yeah, that just about sums it up." Alex sighed. "Piper's going to do it tonight after the show."

"Well, at least you're getting it over with. I mean, she was gonna tell him eventually, right?" Nicky reasoned. "She's just ripping off the band-aid faster."

"I guess. But I still don't know where that leaves us."

"Well, you need to fucking ask her, don't you? Let her fill him in and then ask her where you stand. Obviously, you want to be with her. If she feels the same, problem solved. Stop bein' a fucking pussy and ask."

"I need coffee and a bottle of Motrin before I can even think straight," Alex exhaled painfully, noting how each and every bone and organ in her entire body ached. She was most definitely staying away from booze for a very long time to come.

"P is getting both. Should be back any minute." There was a loud rap on the door and Nicky got up to peer through the peep hole. "Speaking of..."

"Hey," Poussey strode in, setting down the cup holder with three steaming cups of coffee and a white paper bag. "For you," She handed one of the cups to Nicky, "And for you, girl. How you doin' now? You had a rough night."

Alex accepted the black coffee thankfully, pulling herself uptight so that she could drink it. "Thanks. Uh, better. Sorry about the drunkenness...and the puking."

The drummer shrugged. "Nah, man, we all have our ways of copin'. It's all good." She took a bagel out of the bag and handed one to Nicky. "Bagel?" She asked Alex, waving the bag in her direction.

"No thanks," She shuddered. The mere thought of eating made her stomach turn. "Gonna head to my room and shower."

"Here." Nicky tossed her a bottle of ibuprofen. "You'll need this."

"Thanks. Gotta get ready for tonight, right?" She lamented, "Whatever it's about to bring."

"Don't I know it," Nicky said through a mouthful of bagel. "Morello's coming to the show."

"What?"

"Texted me last night," She confirmed. "Said she heard good things about Piper. I think she's fuckin' jealous."

"Wish you'd let me come with you," Poussey said with a slight edge to her voice. "I wouldn't get in the way or nothin'. Just for moral support and shit."

"Dude, I told you, I'll be fine." Nicky was nonchalant but she put her hand on the other woman's shoulder, looking into her eyes, the gesture speaking more than her words. It was such a private moment, Alex almost wanted to glance away as if not to intrude. "It's just something I gotta do on my own."

"Well, we can't let anything distract us. Got a big show tonight, another radio interview tomorrow and then the second concert." Alex rubbed her eyes and reached for her glasses on the nightstand. "I'm heading up," She got herself out of bed slowly. "Thanks for everything, guys, seriously. I know I was a real asshole last night-"

"Enough," Nicky waved her away. "You're being dumb. We love you, you moron. Don't you know that by now? Go."

"Love you both too."

"Hey, wait...I'm throwing away your nasty clothes. Do you still love me now?" Nicky called as she was opening the door and had one foot in the hall way.

"Bye," She said pointedly, more for her own benefit and chuckled a little as she headed into the elevator. Glancing down at her phone, she saw Piper had texted hours before.

 _I'm so sorry for the shit show tonight. I'm sorry for all of it. This sucks. I never wanted to hurt anybody and now, either way, I'm hurting someone._

Stepping out of the elevator and onto her floor, she read a second text. _We'll be there early tonight. Having dinner down the street. Told Larry I needed to go over some things with you. Will you meet me backstage at 4:30? I need to see you. Not being able to hold you is killing me._

Alex opened the door to her room, her heart thudding uuncontrollably as she texted back. _Yes. I'll be there. And I miss you too, kid. Too much._

She managed to busy herself for the rest of the afternoon by shopping with Poussey and Nicky, going to the art museum and having a peaceful solo lunch in Boston Common. She was ususally too ansty to sight see much on tour (though they had been to amazing places), but she figured she could use any distraction possible to keep her mind off what was to come afterward. Not only was the notion of Piper telling Larry the truth enough to make her want to jump out of her skin, the fact Lorna was coming to the show was making her anxious.

Finally she was able to jump on the T and head over to The Blue Hills Pavilion where they were playing. She waved hello to the doorman and walked into the dressing room.

Piper sat on a small sofa, strumming her guitar, eyes closed, playing the opening chords of "You and Me," one of Alex's favorites but one they rarely performed live.

"We're not singing that tonight," She teased and instantly Piper's eyes flew open and putting down the guitar, she practically jumped into Alex's arms.

"God, it feels good to hug you again," Piper murmured into her hair, breathing her in." You still smell the same too."

"It hasn't been that long, Pipes. I saw you last night."

"Not the same," She squeezed her close, "I didn't get to touch you. Big difference."

"C'mere," Breaking away, Alex took her hand and led her to sit back on the couch. "You OK? I mean, relatively speaking. You look tired."

Piper appeared far from put together and Alex's heart lurched at the sight of her. Her hair was tossed into a messy ponytail and she wore a long sleeved Smith t-shirt and Addias shorts. Her face was pale and dark circles lined her eyes. She assumed she hadn't gone out to dinner after all.

"I haven't been sleeping well," She admitted, curling into Alex's side. "I keep having to make excuses for not having sex with him. I know, I know. I'm cheating on him with you and I feel weird cheating on you with him. It's all sorts of fucked up. But I think sleeping together would just make things even more complicated than they already are."

"If you had, I would've understood," Alex said quietly. "I wouldn't have liked it, but I would've understood. You guys still have a connection. It's not like it just goes away."

"He saw the tattoo the other day. Asked me what it meant. I said it was just the way my life was going...the possibilities seem infintite."

"Nice answer," The guitarist smiled. "What'd he say?"

"At first he seemed a little surprised but then he told me he figured I'd end with one eventually being in a band. He said he liked yours."

"Oh yeah?," Her eyes gleamed. "And what did you say to that?"

She lay a kiss on Alex's rose. "I said, "Me too "

"Piper," Alex lifted her chin, stroking her cheekbone gingerly, "Not waking up with you these past two morings, It's killing me too."

"I'm scared."

Her voice wavered and Alex nodded. "I know. Look, you don't have to do this tonight. You can wait until after the last show. It might be easier."

"No, I do. The longer I wait, the worse it's gonna be. I owe him that at least. I owe you that. What happens next, I don't know." She played with her engagement ring, spinning it around her finger, once, then twice, then twice again. "And I really want it to come from me, you know?"

"Do you think she really would've told him?" It fucking angered her to think that someone who called themselves Piper's best friend could go behind her back, or at least threaten her with the possibility.

The blonde shrugged. "I don't know. Polly's great, she really is, and she's done so much for me, but when she's pissed, she's pissed and-this isn't something she'll get over anytime soon."

"Neither will Larry."

They sat in silence. "This is going to be a long night," Piper said finally, touching Alex's fingertips to hers. "Larry's grabbing me a salad but I'm not even hungry. I feel like I have fucking rocks in my stomach.

"All we can do is go out there and play. Put it all out there, OK?" She caressed Piper's cheek. "Everything else...we'll worry about later." Searching Piper's eyes with her own, Alex took her face in her hands again. "Trust me?"

The singer's expression softened with her words and she practically melted with relief. "I trust you." And with that, she craned up to kiss the other woman sweetly, a kiss filled with promise, not lacking their usual fire, but more controlled, both knowing they needed to keep their emotions in check.

"Come on," Alex said , pulling her from the sofa, when they finally broke away, "Let's go out there and get used to the space. I know you've seen shows here but I haven't, so let's check it out before Larry comes back."

They headed out the open door and ran almost smack into Larry in the hall, who was carrying a brown paper bag, his face pale and drawn.

"Hey," She said to him, concern etched in her features. "You OK?"

"Uh yeah," He said, not quite meeting her eyes. "Fine. I uh, brought your salad. No tomatoes, extra cucumbers and fat free ranch on the side." He handed it to her.

"Thanks. Alex and I were about to practice a little. Why don't you come with us and tell us how we sound?"

"Sorry...suddenly, I don't feel that great. I'll see you after the show, OK?" He pecked her cheek quickly and headed toward the stage door.

"Well, that was weird." Piper watched him walk away. "Wasn't just me, right?"

"You don't think Polly said something..."

Piper shook her head. "Not without mentioning it to me first. She knows I'm tellling him tonight. No, it's something else. I'll find out later, I guess."

"Pipes...depending on what it is do you think it'll be a good idea to say something about us? What if he got bad news or something?"

"He would've told me. I still have to tell him the truth, Alex. No matter what the problem is. I can't keep making excuses."

"OK," She squuezed her shoulder. "Good. Let's do this then."

They managed to go over some things before the others arrived for sound check and Alex fell a little in love with the outdoor concert venue with the covered roof. It was absolutely beautiful and she let that feeling settle into the pocket where her nerves were as the cool early evening air filled her lungs. It fortified her enough to sneak a few deep breaths before returning to the dressing room to get ready.

"You good?" She briefly checked in with Nicky as they put on make-up. Sound check had gone smoothly but the general atmosphere in the room was tense. The show was being reviewed by the music reviewer from The Globe so Red was up in arms, Piper was questioning Larry's odd behavior (he still hadn't come back) and Nicky and Poussey were keenly aware Morello would be in the audience.

"I'm hanging in...you?"

Alex put down her eyeliner. "Trying to focus. Larry's acting weird, even for him, and it's making Piper nervous."

"She's still gonna tell him after, rignt?"

"Keep your voice down, man. Yes. She was pretty adamant about it, actually. Anyway, we can't worry about any of that now...we have a show to do. This crowd is big."

"Good. Means unless she's sitting in the front row, I won't be able to see her." Nicky frowned into the make-up mirror. "What kinda sick fuck invented eyelash curlers, huh? Shit is torture."

Once they were dressed and ten minutes away from show time, Piper touched Alex's shoulder. "Nick doing OK?", she asked, careful to keep her voice low.

"She's anxious as hell. Morello asked her to put her name on the backstage list so Nick will come bring her here after we're done."

"Oh great...more to worry about. Especially since I don't expect her to think very highly of me, being her replacement and all."

"Please, you have nothing to worry about, Piper," Alex laughed. "She's not even in the same league as you. She's good...but you're something special. And I'm saying this completely objectively."

"I don't know about all that, but thank you." Kissing her cheek, the other woman gave her a brief, tight hug. "Have a good show, OK?"

"You too, Pipes. And remember what I said, OK? Don't think about anything else out there. Give it everything you've got."

"I will," She vowed, giving her finges a gentle squeeze, before disappearing into the hall.

"Let's do this," Alex muttered to herself as her bandmates followed behind her.

In spite of being on edge, they had never sounded better. Alex guessed it was because every one of them chose to immerse themselves completely in the music and the crowd was loving it.

Piper's voice always blew her away, no matter how many times she opened her mouth, but that night, there was almost an ereathral quality to it. The audience adored her and they were cheering before she had even begun the next song. Every so often, she would catch Alex's eye and smile, and the guitarist's heart would leap. Alex loved her off of stage, of course, but listening to the woman she adored sing a song she'd written, focused and passionate, made her fall that much deeper.

Two hours went by in a blur and they were done, leaving the stage to thunderous applause, sweaty and exhausted but jubilant, exchanging high fives and compliments while heading to the dressing room where they began to change.

"Geat show," A heavily accented voice rang out. A petite brunette stood in the center of the room, her arms crossed over her chest.

"Christ, Morello," You scared the ever loving shit out of me." Nicky must have junped a mile at the unexpected intrusion. "What the hell are you doing here? I thought you were gonna wait at the stagedoor till I got you in."

"Good to see you too, Nicky," She laughed awkwardly. "I spoke to the doornan and showed him my pass...convinced him to let me wait in here."

"Huh. Not much has changed, I see." The bassist made no move to come closer to her and Alex was glad for small favors.

"I could say the same for you," She eyed her appreciativly, "Ya look good."

"You look the same. How's Jeffrey?" Nicky zoned in on her ring finger. "Nice rock."

" It's Jonathan actually, but he's great. We're tyin' the knot in ten days!" She flittered her small hands nervously. "Still so much to do...Oh, God, I'm bein' so rude." Lorna looked to the other band members. "Alex, Poussey, how are you girls doin'?" Before they could answer, she turned to Piper. "Hi, I'm Lorna. The original singer. Ya sounded great out there."

"Uh, thanks," Piper replied, removing her eyeliner with a make-up wipe. "You're a tough act to follow."

"Ah, you're too sweet!" She put a hand on her shoulder. "I don't sing much these days. Jonathan doesn't want me working once we're married..I'm gonna stay home and keep up the house. And we're gonna try for a baby right away."

"Oh, how very 1950's of him," Nicky rolled her eyes and Poussey, who had been too busy stewing in her anger at the make-up mirror to say anything, let out a snort.

"Anyway, I thought we could go for a nice little drink and catch up, what do ya say? It's been awhile, huh? Lorna said to Nicky, shooting the drummer a dirty look.

"Two and a half months, but who's counting?

"We certainly have alot to discuss. Shall we?"

"Wait," Nicky put up her hand, "I'm not going anywhere with you alone."

" My God, Nicky..I can see you're still as dramatic as ever. What," The tiny woman said, "Don't you trust me?"

The bassist looked her squarely in the eye. "No. I don't. P is coming. Wherever we go, isn't that right, P?"

Poussey's expression quickly morphed from disgust and rage into one of suprise before she gathered herself. "Damn straight I am."

Lorna sighed deeply. "Really?" There hadn't been much love lost between them in the first place and Poussey's dislike of the former singer hung in the air.

"Poussey comes with me or I don't go," Nicky was resolute.

"Fine. There's a place next door. Alex, it was nice seeing you again, Piper, amazing show, again. See you all soon, I hope." The three of them headed out of the room.

"Well, fuck," Alex collapsed onto the sofa. "That was..."

"Awkward?" Piper supplied.

"To say the least. Thank God she changed her mind about bringing Poussey. Nick can hold her own, obviously, but that woman is a snake. Don't let her sweetness fool you...she is fucking calculated."

"I hope Nicky can get what she needs from meeting with her," Piper put her hair into a loose ponytail. "OK...this isn't entirely on topic here, but where is Larry? I haven't seen or heard from him in hours. I don't even know if he was at the show at all." She picked up her phone. "I'm gonna try calling."

"Good idea."

No sooner had she picked up the phone, Larry walked into the room and Piper jumped up from her seat to fling her arms around his neck.

"Oh, thank God. You had me worried." She said, relieved. "Wait," Her nose wrinkled, "Have you been _drinking_?"

He laughed but it was a hallow one. "Next door. I didnt really know what else to do."

"OK, now you're scaring me. What's going on?"

"Do you really need me to spell it out for you, Pipe?"

"I'm just gonna head back," Alex waved, picking up her bag. "Piper, see you tomorrow for the radio interview...Larry, I'll see you-"

"No." He said, the manner in which he spoke, making Alex's blood run cold. "Stay."

"Uh...okay." She sat back down on the sofa. "What's up?"

"You tell me. How long have you been preying on my fiance, huh?"

"What?"

"Larry, what the fuck...what are you talking about?"

"Don't try to fucking deny it, either." His eyes bore into Piper's, ignoring the fact Alex was even in the room, that he had asked her to stay. "I saw you."

"What? When?" All the color drained from Piper's face and she slumped in her chair.

"When I was going to drop off your salad. The door was open. I saw you there," He pointed to the couch, "Kissing."

"Oh, Larry.." Piper whispered, her arm poised to touch him, but he shook his head.

"Tell me it was a one time thing. That there's absolutely nothing more to what I just saw. Tell me, Piper," Larry demanded, clenching his jaw. "Because that I could maybe understand..."

For a minute, no one spoke. "I wish I could." Piper's eyes were bright with tears.

"Fuck, Piper." He let his own tears fall. "Fuck..."

"I'm so sorry. I never intended..." The blonde wiped her face with the back of her hand. "I didn't plan on any of this."

Larry searched her eyes, his expression darkening instantly as he saw in their depths, wordless explanations and startled, he took a step back.

"You love her."

It was not a question and Alex, who was frozen to the spot, watched as Piper nodded, unable to speak.

"How the hell could you do this to me-to us? God, Piper, who are you? I feel like I don't even know you anymore."

"I know, I know..please, Larry...can we just go home? Can we go home and talk there? I know how upset you must be."

"Upset doesn't even begin to cover it, Piper." His tears had ceased and in their place was an anger that shook Alex to her very core. "I need to leave. Right now." Turning without another word, he strode out of the room.

"I'm so fucking sorry," The blonde managed to tell Alex, choking back a sob, before she ran after him.

And just like that, Alex was completely and totally alone.


	24. Chapter 24

Alex knew pain. When you were poor and different, it came with the territory. It was going without and it was wanting what you couldn't have. Music helped dull (if not completely alleviate) it and eventually, she had discovered it was simply a part of being alive.

But nothing could have prepared her for the crushing blow that had been delivered when Piper walked out of the dressing room. The actual physycal _ache_ nearly brought her to her knees, absolutely flooring her with its intensity. It shouldn't have come as a surprise that the other woman had gone after him, after all, they were together for eight years, and it made complete sense that Piper wouldn't want to see him hurt.

A small part of her though, the part she masked with flip remarks and a cocky grin, that part of her wanted to ask, _But can't she see that I'm hurting too?_

After sitting on the sofa for what seemed like a century, Alex finally decided to go back to the hotel and get into a hot bath. There wasn't much else she could do, not until she spoke to Piper, and that didn't seem feasible. The bath would calm her body, shaking from the both the adrenaline rush of performing and the scene that unfolded with Larry and briefly, she toyed with the idea of a small glass of red wine to help her sleep before her still slightly aching head let her know it probably would not be a great idea.

On the short T ride back, she caught herself glancing down at her phone. It was stupid, she knew, because there was no chance she would hear from Piper that night, but she stared at it just the same as if she were willing it to ring.

She looked it at getting off the T, while she walked the block to the hotel, and again still while she got on the elevator. She was so absorbed in hoping that Piper would send some kind of messege to clue her in on what the hell was going on, she almost missed Poussey get on with her.

"Hey," The drummer greeted, barely looking at her. She was distracted and similarly to Alex, her eyes were glued to her phone.

"What the hell are you doing back here? Where's Nicky?" Alarm bells began to go off in her head. "You left them alone? What the fuck, P?"

"Whoa, whoa, calm down, man. Do you really think it was by choice? We made awkward ass small talk, Morello ignored me...she kept talking about her fuckin' fiance. Then she asked if they could talk alone...said she wanted to apologize. Nick got real quiet and said OK." Poussey shook her head. "I tried to talk her out of it...but you know when she's got an idea in her head...she said not to wait around and she would call me when she's done ."

"I don't fucking trust her," Alex got off on the sixteenth floor, motioning for Poussey to follow. "All she has to say is something that will mess with her head and she relapses again.. or falls for her fucking manipulative-"

"I know. Believe me, man...I don't like the idea of them alone anymore than you," The drummer stepped inside Alex's room as she opened the door. "But there was nothin' else I could do. She said she needed closure. I gotta give it to her." She sat on the bed, studying her hands. "Not just cuz I love her," she admitted softly, "It was a shit situation and she's just comin' back from it. If hearing her excuses, even though we both know it's bullshit, is what she needs, well, I'm just gonna hafta be OK with that, ain't I?"

"It's not that I doubt Nick. But she has demons and I know Morello knows exactly how to take advantage of them." The guitarist grabbed a water from the mini bar and tossed one to Poussey.

"We all got demons," She looked at Alex pointedly. "Speakin' of...what happened with Piper? She wind up tellin' Larry?"

Alex sighed. "Long story."

"Well, something happened cuz, don't take this the wrong way, but you look like shit."

"I feel pretty much the same, dude." She collasped on the bed behind her, groaning. "Ugh. To make a long story short, Larry saw Piper and I kissing backstage. We didn't hear him, obviously, and after the show, he let us know he saw us."

"Holy shit."

"Yup. He was devastated then he got pissed and walked out. Piper followed him."

"Damn, son." Poussey exclaimed lowly. "How bout you? Whatcha thinkin' now?"

"I don't know what to fucking think anymore. I know she needs to hash things out with him. I know that...but it doesn't make the situation suck any less."

"No," agreed she agreed, flopping backward on the bed with her, "It don't."

A buzzing cut though the brief silence as they both looked at their phones (Alex's heart had skipped a beat) and Poussey sighed with relief as she quickly replied back. "Nick's on her way up here."

"Thank Christ," Alex was relieved. Knowing her best friend was safe and accounted for was one less thing she had to worry about.

After a few minutes, Poussey opened the door, giving her a quick (but tight) hug and Alex didnt have to ask how things had gone because it was clear from Nicky's downcast gaze, it had been tough.

"Nick..." Alex treaded cautiously as the orher woman sat in the desk chair. "You good?"

She bought her head up amd instantly, Alex could tell she had been crying. "Yeah. I mean, I will be. I told her I wasn't gonna let her get inside my head anymore. She made all kinds of excuses...then she told me she still loved me but marrying Jeff, Jon, whatever the fuck his name is, made sense."

"Sorry you had to go through that, man," Alex touched her arm. "But I'm goddamn thrilled you told her she wasn't gonna get inside your head. She needed to hear it just as much as you needed to say it."

"Yeah. Anyway...then she tried to kiss me. I pushed her away..." Nicky said, sneaking a glance at Poussey who remained silent. "Said she was like a fucking poision in my blood that I hadn't been able to get rid of but no more. I told her to enjoy her life, even if it was a lie, and not to try to contact me again."She looked again to Poussey in an attempt to gauge the other woman's reaction.

"Yo, don't get me wrong, man," Poussey finally said, playing with the cap to her water bottle. "I'm happy ya'll are cuttin' ties. I kept my mouth shut for a long damn time now bout' how fuckin' toxic that girl is for you. But I want you to feel you can move on, ya know? That it was somethin' you did cuz you needed to do it for you, not cuz we wanted you to." Her brown eyes were warm. "Personal shit aside, I just want you to be happy."

"Me too," Alex quietly interjected.

"P," Nicky took both the drummer's hands in hers,"Its over. I'm done. The past few months have made me into the worst possible asshole version of myself and I never fucking wanna feel like that again. _She_ made me into the worst version of myself...I'm ready to take back my life, OK? And I couldn't have done it without you...you've been here, the whole time, even when I was a complete dick. You have no idea how much that means to me." They locked gazes and the intensity between them made Alex clear her throat.

"Uh, hey, hi. I'm still here. I can leave you two alone if you want...even though this is my room..."

Nicky waved dismissively. "We're good. Hey, what happened with you? You look like shit."

"That's what I said," Poussey agreed.

"You guys suck." Exhaling, Alex recounted the same events she had explained to Poussey and after she was finished, Nicky shook her head.

"It's bullshit, Al, and you know it. You can keep making excuses for her left and right but the fact of the matter is, she knows who she wants."

"It's more complicated than that," The guitarist argued weakly.

"No, it's not. She's hanging on to him because of some twisted sense of obligation...maybe she feels sorry for the asshole, I don't really know. She probably fell out of love with him a long time ago...people change, they grow apart...meeting you just kinda permanently broke what was already cracking." Nicky was matter of fact. "That's the reality of it all, Alex. You told me the same thing when I was stuck in Lorna land, but I refused to listen. So if there's one time in your life when you should just shut the fuck up and pay attention to what I'm saying, it's now. You need to tell her to quit the bullshit. Make a choice. If she can't, let her go. And that's it."

Although Alex was not shocked by her best friend's bluntness, she was shocked by her own reaction. There was no innate need to defend the blonde, no excuses to be made. She had expected to argue Piper's case, to tell Nicky she didn't know specifics, but there was not a single doubt in her mind the bassist was absolutely correct. Piper needed to make a decision once and for all, even if it was one she didn't want to accept.

"You feel that way too?" She asked Poussey, half expecting her to come to Piper's rescue, but she nodded slowly.

"Yeah, man...I like Chapman. She's talented and nice and anybody with eyes can see she's madly in love with you...but it's like Nick said. She's afraid of hurtin' Bloom but she's hurtin' you too. You deserve love, dude. You deserve happiness. And I hope it's with Chapman, but if it ain't, if she can't give you what you deserve, well then, you got your own decision to make."

"Thanks for being straight with me. Both of you. Even though its fucking hard to hear. But it was what I needed."

She knew Nicky would be honest but Poussey's candor surprised her. The drummer had obviously come a long way from the woman who had tried to please everyone by remaining a neutral (and often silent), party and Alex couldn't help but think her feelings for Nicky and the whole Morello situation had something to do with the shift.

"Anytime, Vause. That's what we're here for." Nicky, who had moved to the bed, put an arm around Poussey. "What a long, crazy ass day," she yawned loudly.

"Go get some sleep," Alex ordered. "We've got another long day ahead."

"Hey, you want us to stay? We can, if you need us to." Poussey offered kindly to which Alex immediately shook her head.

"No, I'm fine, OK...I'll _be_ fine," she corrected in deference to her friends' skeptical expressions. "Don't worry about me. I'm gonna take a hot bath and crash."

"You sure? Cuz we totally don't mind, dude. We'll even watch that Gilmore Girls shit with you." Nicky arched an eyebrow and Alex smiled slightly, which she supposed had been her friend's intention.

"Wow, as much as I appreciate the enormous sacrifice, for the last time, go. Everything is fine. You guys obviously need to be alone to do whatever it is you need to do, so I'm officially kicking everyone out. See you tomorrow at 1, OK?"

Finally alone, Alex was able to take her bath and fall into a fitful sleep. It was bad enough that the scene from hours before kept playing on a loop in her brain but she had grown so accustomed to falling asleep (and waking up) with Piper close, it was extremely difficult to relax without her there.

The next morning Alex woke and dressed quickly, grabbing a light breakfast and coffee from the cafe next door to the hotel before heading out on one of her long, rambling walks. There was a voicemail from Diane asking how things were going which she was definitely going to wait to answer until she knew what was happening.

As she walked to Downtown Crossing, tempted to do a little retail therapy, a text came into her phone, her heart pounding loudly in her own ears when she saw it was from Piper.

 _Hey...Larry doesn't know I'm texting you but I need to speak to you after the interview._

She let out a breath she didn't realize she had been holding. _OK. I'll talk to you then._ Would Larry be there? She couldn't help but worry that he would be. Not knowing the state of where they had left things was killing her slowly.

At five to one, she arrived at the radio station, Poussey and Nicky in tow. Having been sent the list of questions in advance, Red was more at ease and even joked a little with them, which Alex was grateful for as she was in no mood to deal with one of the manager's tantrums. Then she spotted Piper standing wordlessly in the corner of the room and gave her a small wave.

"Hey," She stepped toward her. In spite of carefully applied make-up, Alex noticed her blue eyes were puffy and she was dressed extremely simply in a fitted black t-shirt, blue jeans, and black flats, her hair pulled away from her face. She wore no jewelry and glaringly absent was her engagement ring.

"Hey Pipes,"Alex wanted to take her in her arms but she held back. There was something distant about the singer. Not cold, necessarily, but a little removed from the rest of them, from the idea of the interview itself, from Alex. "How are you holding up?" she inquired softly.

"We'll talk later."

"Sure," She managed, forcing herself to sound casual. "Whatever you want."

"Stand firm, man, OK?" Nicky nudged her as they made their way down the hall that lead to the studio. "You got this."

"Let's just get through this."

The interview, while painless, was much less fun than that the previous one, and Alex found herself grateful when it was over. Piper was tense and it was evident in her voice that it was the last place in the world she wanted to be.

When they were through and walking out of the building, Piper turned to Alex. "Walk with me?"

Side by side they headed to a small park down the street. The weekday afternoon ensured their privacy and they sat down in a patch of grass under a weeping willow. For moment, neither spoke.

"He's destroyed, Al," Piper began, plucking a blade of grass and rubbing it between her fingertips. "I mean, I knew he would be, obviously but the look on his face...he left for a few hours last night after we got home...said he had to think. He finally came back around midnight and he was crying, asking me when it happened. I had to tell him everything."

Piper's eyes welled up and Alex touched her arm. "What did he say?"

She wiped her eyes. "He said he's more upset that I cheated at all then the fact it was with a woman. And that it wasn't just about sex, though he said it made total sense why I kept rejecting him. But then he did something crazy..."

"What?"

"He told me he still loved me. That he was willing to forgive me but it was going to take a long time to be able to trust me again."

Alex felt a sharp pain shoot through the center of her chest. "He's willing to overlook the fact you're in love with somebody else?"

"He said we could still get married, under one condition...that I cut all ties with you. That I leave the band. I told him no. There was no way in hell I was giving this up...for anyone."

"And the other part?" She hated how her voice sounded so incredibly insecure. It was not something she was used to.

"I said I needed time to think about it." She looked at her then. "I'm sorry if that's not what you wanted to hear."

A spark of indigation welled up inside her and she shook her head. "I love you, kid, but this isn't want I want. I want to be your choice, you know? Your only one. I wanna go to sleep with you every night and wake up with you every day and make music with you...I want all of you, Piper, not just a piece. I told myself I was OK with that for a long time, but now I'm not."

"Al," The blonde's tears fell fast and she reached out to stroke Alex's cheek. "It's complicated."

"But it isn't. Not really. Do you love me?"

"You know that I do."

"Do you love Larry?"

She paused, glancing at her hands. "A part of me does."

"But you're not in love with him."

"We built a life together, Alex. You don't understand." Piper's voice was strangled.

"If you're willing to marry someone out of some sense of obligation, then you're right, I don't understand. But this shit has to end, Piper. I won't be your little secret anymore. I can't do it."

"That's not what you are to me."

"It's the truth. I want you, Pipes." She took her face in her hands. "More than anything. And I know that you want me too. I guess I'm asking you to choose between the life everyone else thinks you should have and the life _you_ want."

"And if I can't make that choice?" She questioned softly, her blue eyes stormy, "What happens next?"

"Then we're bandmates. Nothing more." Alex's own eyes brimmed with unshed tears which she brushed away as an unwanted annoyance. "You let me know tonight. I'll see you later."

And with that, Alex rose, finally letting her tears spill, concentrating on the ebb and flow of her breath, counting cracks in the sidewalk, anything so that she wouldn't look back.


	25. Chapter 25

Piper was quiet as they prepared for the show. She was friendly when approached but she did not make small talk or engage in any of the ususal pre-show banter. Alex could accept her silence as she knew the ultimatum she had laid out was not an easy thing to hear. She knew because it did not come easy for her to say.

Thankfully, Larry was not there and when Red questioned his absence, Piper was ready with the excuse that he had to work on a big project. Alex suspected the real reason was that he couldn't face her and along with that, the knowledge his perfect Piper had strayed. She was completely fine with it. The part of her that was human couldn't help but feel pity for him but she was also certain that Piper didn't love him in the same way he loved her so staying would've been miserable in the long run for both of them.

The concert itself was mediocre, at best. Not exceptional like Alex felt it should've been but it was completely her fault; she took full responsibility for Piper's guardedness and her own anxiety which she tried to ignore by playing at full throttle. Still, it was always there, lurking at the edges and the audience, while enthusiastic and responsive, fed off the tension, she felt, and wasn't as energized as the previous night's.

"You wanna tell me what just happened out there?" Nicky grabbed her arm the second they departed the stage (without an encore). "Cuz it was fuckin' painfully obvious Poussey and I were playing a completely different show than you and Chapman were. I don't even think you guys were on the same planet."

"I know, dude...I'm sorry." They hadn't been so scattered since right before Morello jumped ship and everyone was at each other's throats. "I can't talk about it yet but I spoke to Piper earlier..."

"Say no more," The bassist replied conspiringly. "One question though, if things don't work out with you two, is every show afterwards gonna blow like this one just did? Cuz if we keep playing like that, we're gonna be bussing tables at Denny's."

"I won't let that happen. This was a fluke, alright? A shitty fluke. It'll be fine." The last thing she ever wanted to do was compromise them and she had vowed it would never happen. If Piper turned her down, they would have to find some way to keep Solitary Confinement from suffering.

"The chemistry will be all sorts of fucked. For awhile, anyway. You gotta accept reality, Alex. I really hope things work out, you know I do, but you gotta have a game plan for if they don't."

Brushing past her, she went to talk to Poussey and Alex walked glumly back to the dressing room, Piper trailing behind her.

"That was bad, wasn't it?"

Alex paused outside the door, looking at Piper, her swooping shoulders and downturned mouth indicating that she too was just as defeated as everyone else. "Let's just enjoy the two seconds of peace before Red comes here to hand us our asses."

As soon as the words had left her mouth, the older woman barged through the door, past Alex and Piper, her flaming red locks sticking up furiously, her mouth set into a thin, hardened line. "You two," She growled, "In here. Now."

"Jesus Christmas, Red," Nicky grumbled. She had been in the process of pulling her shirt over her head and the sudden entry had startled her. "OK, so we didn't play as good as normal, so what? Everyone has an off day. Did the fucking building collaspe? Did anyone ask for a refund? Are they refusing to pay us? I don't see why you hafta come storming in here like the fucking gestapo while we're getting dressed."

"You know, Nichols," Red was right in her face, "If you were my child, I'd slap that shit eating grin right off your face for speaking to me like you do, you spoiled little brat. Now you're going to shut your big mouth for the only time in your pathetic little life and listen. Do you understand?"

Startled into silence, Nicky glowered at her but nodded. "Good. Now do you girls think that shit you just put out there was worthy of paying $100 for? Washington?"

"Uh, no?"

"That's right. No. You were acting like a bunch of hacks up there." She began to pace, staring every one of them down. "Maybe no one else noticed, but I sure as hell did and I guarantee you, if Gordon from The Globe had been here tonight as opposed to yesterday, he would have written one very different review. Trust me. Consider yourselves lucky."

"Red-" Alex began but the manager put up a hand to stop her.

"It's my time to talk, Vause. You listen to me. All of you. Now I don't know what the _fuck_ is going on with you girls lately or where your heads are at," she glanced suspiciously between Alex and Piper, "but whatever it is, you need to straighten it out or you can find yourself a new manager. Understand?"

With a final scowl, she exited the dressing room leaving silence in her wake. They were all used to Red's mood swings but her disappointment was a different story and though they joked about how annoying she could be, the fact was she was an excellent manager and not one any of them was willing to lose.

"Well on that note," Nicky finished changing quickly and slung her backpack over her shoulder, "I need a drink."

"Right behind you, girl," Poussey agreed, putting her make-up back into the case. "I'm gonna need a few." Waving to their bandmates, they headed out of the dressing room and down the hallway to the stage door.

"What a fucking diaster," Alex muttered more to herself then to Piper who was quietly changing back into her street clothes. She was pissed beyond belief that she had allowed her personal issues to fuck up a performance and she silently vowed that no matter what happened between them, it would never effect her band again..

"Take me back to your hotel room," Piper watched her from across the room as she got changed. It was not a request but a gentle demand. Even as Alex tried to gauge what she wanted to say from the tone of her voice, her demeanor betrayed nothing to suggest a decision either way.

"Ready when you are," She wiped off any remaining traces of make-up and grabbed her things, shutting off the light and leaving the room in darkness.

They shared a cab ride, without speaking or looking at one another and Alex, who had not fed into any self-doubt since she was a gangly and unsure preteen, began to worry.

As they made it to her floor and Alex shut the door behind them, Piper gave her one of her trademark half smiles (which almost wasn't a smile at all, more a slight tug at the corners of her lips that Alex found adorable) and not for the first time (not by a long shot), she was completely disarmed by her beauty. It wasn't just physical beauty but it was something else too, a light, a warmth...something that was just _Piper._ The unnamed thing that made Alex fall completely, hopelessly, in love.

The blonde stood a foot away, her arms splayed at her sides, open but not moving toward her. "I wrote you a song, you know. A while ago, actually. I don't know if it's any good but it kind of wrote itself."

"You did?"

"Yeah. If I had my guitar here, I'd play it..." She trailed off, her eyes unreadable pools. "You completely changed everything," The singer met her gaze, "My life was going in one direction and then I met you and...nothing will ever be the same. I don't know how it could be."

"Me too, kid." There was more she could say, more she wanted to say, but unless they were lyrics, words were not her strong suit. Often she found herself tripping over them, blurting out things that ended up hurting those she cared about most, all good intentions going out the window. "Pipes-" she started and stopped.

"I know," She said so softly it was almost a whisper. "I know, Alex."

 _Of course she does._ Alex thought dizzily. It was part of what they shared...the chemical, magical, insane thing that she had never felt with another living soul. Stepping toward her, she paused, asking an silent question, unmoving, afraid of rejection, afraid of being pushed away.

But Piper stepped forward too, right into her arms, and kissed her with an intensity that Alex returned without question because all that mattered at that moment was beautiful Piper with her lips pressed to hers and the body Alex had memorized every curve and conture, every peak and valley of, arching against her hands as clothes were swiftly discarded.

Mouths replaced fingers and there were quiet, urgent moans as Alex concentrated soley on how fucking amazing it felt to touch her again, like being in the desert and coming to an oasis and to be touched by Piper in return. Her body had missed, no craved, the pleasure, but until she held her again, until she had consumed her again, she hadn't fully grasped just how imcomplete she had been without her.

After, they lay cocooned into one another, light and dark hair spilling over to mix together on the pillows. Alex stroked the small of Piper's back lazily as she buried her face into the crook of her neck. The bed was warm and decidedly better than all of the other shit going on in the outside world and Alex didn't see any good reason for leaving.

As she allowed her eyes to close, sinking further into Piper and her own illusion of safety, she suddenly felt the onset of hot tears on her skin.

And just like that, Alex was presented with Piper's decision.

"I am so, so sorry," The blonde pressed her face into her palm to stifle a sob as she lifted her head. "I'm not brave like you and we both know it. I'm a fucking coward."

"What? What are you so scared of?" She immediately sat up, clutching the sheet to her chest. While her voice was ice, Alex had begun to tremble inside.

"Oh my God, everything. Of being with you, of not being with you...of what this all means," She swiped at her tears, "All my life, I was just who everyone else thought I should be...I don't know how be anything but that nice blonde lady Larry, and my family, and Polly expect me to be, Alex. This whole time I thought I could be Piper Chapman, rock star, but maybe that's just not me. I'm just a singer, that's all. I was fooling myself into believing I was this confident, bold woman. But that's how you made me feel."

"So I was just a part of your little girl game of playing pretend? Is that it, Piper? Did you just decide that fucking me would make you feel special and bad ass?"

"Alex," She said pleadingly, "It wasn't like that. I love you."

"Don't you fucking throw that word around. You're marrying him. You're choosing to be with him. You don't get to tell me you love me but you're going to go ahead and break my fucking heart in the same breath." Her face was hot as she desperately tried to maintain control.

"What do you want me to say? That I'm not in love with him...that I'm marrying him for the wrong fucking reasons...that I've never felt with him for a single second, the way that you make me feel?" Piper shook her head, eyes flashing, "You know all of that already."

"Then why are you doing this?" The brunette asked through gritted teeth. "Why would you just throw away the chance to be happy?"

"Because it's safe. And familiar...and I can't be who you need me to be, Al. Eventually, someone would wanna know things...my parents, the press...I'd want to bury my head in the sand and that's not what you deserve, OK?"

"What was this then? A pity fuck? A good-bye fuck?" She knew she was being hard but she couldn't bring herself to give a shit.

"I needed to be with you again." Piper said thickly. "I'm not proud of myself. I know Larry will give me a good life but he-" she lowered her head, "He isn't you." Meeting Alex's eyes, she continued softly, "And I'll wish things were different, that I was different, that I met you a lifetime ago. But please...Alex, please I'm begging you, please don't doubt my love. I'm the biggest asshole for letting someone like you go but...I love you so much. I always will."

Emotions whirled through her like wildfire as she listened to Piper's passionate speech, some of which included the impulse to cover her ears and scream like a two year old, to run away, to tell Piper she was a liar...but instead she found herself nodding.

"I know you do...that's what's so fucking sad, Pipes. You're gonna wake up next to a man you aren't in love with and you're going to know you made the wrong decision. And you're going to have to live with that every single day. Because we can't exist anymore...not even as friends. We'll have to find a way not to fuck up the band and yeah, I'm well aware I'm doing the last fucking thing I ever wanted to do. I'm not trying to hurt you, Piper...but if I can't be with you, I can't accept anything else from you either. I couldn't handle it." Tears blurred her vision. "Have you talked with him?"

"Before the concert. I told him he didn't have to worry for the rest of the tour because I knew that if we went ahead and got married, you would stay away."

"Jesus Christ, does he think I'm some sort of asshole that preys on straight girls? I'm not a fucking monster." Larry's skewed perception of her wasn't Piper's fault and though she was angry and hurt, she trusted the other woman enough to know she hadn't twisted how their relationship had developed. Larry was going to see things how he wanted to see him and she acknowledged it was easier for him to paint her as the bad guy and Piper as the victim.

"He knows it was a mutual thing, Al."

"It doesn't matter now." None of it mattered anymore except that she had to walk the fuck away again and not look back and she had to find a way to face her in Connecticut and then again in New York, knowing after that last show she would be married and she would have lost her for good. Diane told her to fight but what was there to fight for? Piper had made her decision and she would have to accept it even if it felt like her heart was ripping in two.

"Alex, I don't expect you to understand why I'm doing this-" She briefly touched her wrist pulling away when she saw the look on her face. "I don't fully get it myself..."

"One question, Piper," Alex got up from the bed, picking up her bra from the floor, "Do you think this is the right choice? Do you think Larry is the right choice? Because if there's any chance for us at all, even a small one, you need to let me know...I'll take him on, hell, I'll take on the whole fucking world, if it means being with you. But you gotta be honest with me." She spoke delicately, keeping any pleading out of her tone but her eyes told a different story.

"I don't know if it's the right choice," Piper began to put her own clothes back on, her gaze downcast, her movements slowed and pained, "but it's my choice, Alex."

"Then I'll see you on the bus."

"Please," The singer began, looking as though she wanted to reach out but she stopped herself, resting her arms by her sides in a show of surrender. "See you on the bus." Crying openly, Piper opened the door, stepping out of Alex's room.

The sound of the door shutting behind her was defeaning in its finality and with it, Alex's mouth went dry. Instead of the familiar ache, a numbness had seeped into her skin. Piper was gone. Really gone. Who she would see on the bus in the morning would look like Piper and sound like Piper but in reality, she would be a stranger. Alex would have to forget how she tasted and forget the intricate network of freckles on her shoulders and forget how she could make her body come alive under her touch and forget, forget, forget how fucking _much_ she had loved her, how Piper was never truly hers to begin with, even though for a brief second, she felt like she had been.

The numbness continued to wash over her until there were no more tears left in her body and her eyes and cheeks were raw from trying to erase their path. The pain disappated until there was a nothingness in her, a blankness which had alarmed her in the past, something that had signaled that she needed help. Now it soothed her, a welcome alternative to feeling that deep sorrow which threatened to take her under.

She did not want to call Nicky or P or her mother. She did not want their sympathy or their anger or empty comfort. She did not want to play or write or even try to work through anything. What she needed, what she really fucking needed, was not to feel, not even for a second...for the blackness to take over so she could no longer remember why she had been naive enough to fall in love with Piper in the first place.

So it was in the darkness that Alex began to erase Piper's smile from her psyche, the burn of the of the needle replacing the burn left by the memory of her laugh, her touch, her endless ocean eyes. As the heroin coursed through her veins, she began to remove her, piece by piece, until she could no longer discern if she had ever been real at all.

It worked but not completely so she had to find small, desperate comfort in someone who wasn't _her_ , who, that even in her clouded, drug addled brain, she knew was completely the opposite; dark hair and copper skin and sharp, angled features. But the fact that it was not the blonde was what made it feel wrong and even as she fucked to forget the pain, she screamed out internally for someone who was not there.

MIraculously, she made it back to her room, her arms ravaged and used, smelling like a stranger, and crawled between the cool sheets in search of some sort of respite, but like the whole evening, unable to find any. She could only lay silently in the swirling darkness, praying to a God she had never fully believed in for it to completely consume her. Because try as she might to erase the devesation by any means possible, it was there and it would remain, etched in her heart and her head and every strained breath that she took.

Piper was gone.

 _Authors Note: I want to thank all of you for the wonderful reviews, follows, favorites, etc. I'm so invested in this story and these characters and it means so much to me that so many of you are too! That being said, I know this chapter was super angsty and dark and as it hard it may be to read, it was hard to write and take Alex (who I love both canon and non canon versions of very much) to such a dark place. Please hang in there! Our girls are not done on this journey, not by a long shot, so I hope you can all forgive me for putting them through this!_


	26. Chapter 26

"Vause, yo, man, what the fuck is going on?"

Alex groaned, opening one eye slowly as she attempted to process the assault on her senses that was occurring. The blanket was ripped off and the blinds were opened and her entire body felt like it was run over by a Mack truck. Struggling to wake up, she realized that Nicky was the culprit. No surprise there.

 _"_ Why did I give you a key again?" She mumbled, rolling to her side. "What time is it?"

"Are you fuckin' kidding?" Nicky asked incredulously, hands on her hips, "You were supposed to be on the bus ten minutes ago. Haven't you heard your phone? I've been calling you all morning. You could've been in a fucking ditch for all I knew."

"Shit," She grabbed it from the nightstand, " It was on silent," She squinted at the screen. "Where the fuck are my glasses?"

"On the floor." The bassist handed them to her. "Where the hell were you last night? Ya know what, don't answer that. Better if I don't know. We can talk on the bus. Get dressed. Red's having a fucking coronary."

For a second, she wanted to ask about Piper until she remembered there was no Piper anymore. At least how she used to be. How _they_ used to be. So she pulled herself into a sitting position, attempting to stand and instantly, she realized she wouldn't be able to do it herself.

Nicky was texting furiously as she shook her head. "Red is gonna kill you, you know. Fucked up night or not...you know how she is. Especially after the shit show last night? Trying to do major damage control here, man. You owe me."

"Nick?" Alex interrupted, "This is so fucking mortifying, but I need help."

She blinked. "With what?"

"Uh, getting out of bed. Getting dressed."

"Holy shit, dude," Her friend whistled lowly, "You have a hell of a hangover, huh? I'm gonna go out on a limb here and say your talk with Chapman didn't go well."

"Can you just help me, please?"

"No problem," Nicky shut up and went over to the side of the bed, supporting Alex's waist as she stood, guiding her to the bathroom so she could wash her face and brush her teeth.

"Can you grab me some clothes in the drawers? Doesn't matter what."

"Sure, be right back. You gonna be OK?"

"I can't really answer that," She bit her lip. "But I can kind of stand up now on my own. It was just the initial getting up that sucked."

"Two seconds," Nicky promised, shutting the door behind her.

Alex stared down her reflection in the mirror. Her green eyes flashed back at her, wild, not unlike an animal's and though her pupils were no longer dialiated as the drugs slowly departed her body, the heaviness had not left her limbs and her still head felt inflated and fuzzy. She had forgotten how horrible this part was, the coming down. The high, the rush, had always done its job, it was afterward which was the problem because it never really removed the sadness which had been her initial quest in the first place.

She had just pulled off her sweatshirt when Nicky knocked, coming in before she had the chance to answer. (It was a habit she had adopted not long after they met and it drove Alex insane. "Why bother to knock if you're just gonna walk right in before I get a chance to answer?" She had asked repeatedly to which Nicky would retort, "As a fucking courtsey, jerk," and roll her eyes). Almost immediately she realized what her friend would zone in on and she made a hurried, futile attempt to cover her arms.

"Jesus Christ, Vause," She dropped the clothes in a pile on the floor, coming close to her. "What the fuck is that? No, shut up. I know what it is. You used last night, didn't you? That's the reason why you couldn't get up or get dressed or barely move."

"I'm sorry..." Alex said weakly, crossing her arms in front of her chest. "It was fucking stupid."

"You bet your life it was fucking stupid," Nicky was bright red as she paced the bathroom, "Tell me, man, what the actual _fuck_ were you thinking? You've been clean since we were nineteen years old. What was so bad that made you turn to that shit again?" Stopping, she looked into her eyes and burst out laughing, a humorless one that made Alex wince. "Because of _her_? Because she picked fucking Larry over you? That's some stupid ass shit I would do, Vause. People expect me to fuck up, but you?" She shook her head, "You're smarter than that. It's been sixteen years...you could have died, you do understand that, right? It could've only taken one hit to kill you. Is she worth dying over? Cuz I can answer that for you, honey. That's a resounding fuck no."

"I know you're pissed, Nick, and I get why...but you don't understand, OK?" Her voice cracked as she sat down on the toilet seat. "I wanted not to feel anymore...it hurt so fucking bad that I was willing to do anything to forget."

"Oh, I don't understand wanting to dull pain? Why the fuck do you think I started using in the first place, huh? But I'm not going to sit by and watch you destroy yourself because you lost someone. You can cry and scream and fucking break shit and tell her to go to hell and talk about her to me till four in the damn morning and sleep around but you will not do this, understand?" She was shaking with rage and something Alex recognized as fear.

"You don't have to worry. It was a one time thing."

"You better believe it was, Vause. Because if you ever even think about touching that shit again, I'll fucking kill you. Or I'll call Diane and have her kill you." Her friend picked up the clothes from the floor and tossed them to her. "I'd grab a hoodie too if I were you till the bruises fade."

"So you won't say anything to anybody?"

"You want Red finding out? No fucking way." Nicky took her by both shoulders and looked into her eyes. "Promise me you're gonna call if you need me. You don't need to put on your stupid tough kud act. Not with me. I told you, man, you've been picking my sorry ass off the ground since we were kids, it's the least I can do. OK?"

The guitarist let out a breath. "OK."

"Good. Now that that's settled, let's go before Red leaves us in motherfuckin' Boston."

The second they stepped foot on the bus, Red opened her mouth to reprimand her but Nicky shook her head. "Not today, Red." She didn't need to further elaborate and Red (who Alex had to admit had a maternal side that came out when she wasn't bitching at them) had the good grace to keep silent.

Letting Nicky lead her to where Poussey was already seated, she collasped into the seat, not before zoning in on Piper who was sitting alone at the back of the bus looking incredibly sad and adrift. Their eyes locked briefly before Alex slumped down wordlessly.

"How you doin, man?" Poussey nudged her softly as Nicky sat across from them. "You had us worried."

"Do you wanna tell her or should I?"

She quickly realized Nicky was referring to the Piper situation and not her error in judgement and she breathed in a tiny sigh of relief. "She's marrying Bloom," she said quietly, turning to the drummer. "Before you ask, no, I'm not fine. Yes, the band will be fine. Maybe eventually, me personally, I'll be fine. Right now it blows and I don't really wanna fucking talk. I just wanna sleep. We clear?"

"Uh, yeah, man, yeah, we good. I'm here if you know you, change your mind or somethin'. Just so you know. If not, that's cool too."

"Thanks" She replied, shutting her eyes. The events of the past three days had been both physicalily and mentally draining and all she wanted to do was to check out and wake up when things were clear.

The next thing she knew, Nicky was shaking her shoulder to get off the bus and they departed first, leaving Piper to her own devices. It hadn't been what she wanted; a divided band, but she had also known that Nicky and Poussey were going to be her support system, first and foremost. Still the part of her that wasn't pissed and indescribably sad felt a little pang of guilt regarding her friends snubbing of the other woman.

They checked into their hotel and Alex was dragged to dinner by her bandmates before rehearsal, a fact she grumbled about. "I'm fine," She insisted, managing a few bites of dry chicken before chugging enough water to be able to swallow. "You guys don't need to babysit."

"Who's babysitting?" Nicky stole a French fry off of Poussey's plate, "Can't we just go out to dinner with our friend?"

"Right. I'm sure you have better things to do."

If she had blinked, she might have missed it, but she caught the bearest hint of a smile that her friends exchanged and in spite of her own anguish, she couldn't help but smile herself.

"You guys have something you wanna tell me?"

Nicky shook her head, glancing at the drummer. "Nope."

"C'mon, Nick, obviously something's changed between you guys...just because my life's a total mess doesn't mean you have to hide anything. Besides, I could really, really use some good news right now."

"OK..." Nicky proceeded cautiously, taking another fry and dragging it through ketchup, "We're taking it really fuckin' slow...like slow motion slow...but yeah."

She reddened slightly as Alex gave her a high five, looking over at Poussey. "Seriously man? That's fucking awesome. I mean it. I'm really happy for you guys. About time."

The drummer waved her away sheepishly but she was grinning. "Hey," she said, changing the subject, "Al, man, you gonna be able to get through this rehearsal? We can skip it if it's too much too soon..."

"After the show last night? No way. Look, she's gonna be there and I'm gonna have to face her and it sucks but what can I do? She's in this band and I knew what I was getting into. I'll have to find a way to deal with it, won't I?" Alex pushed her plate aside, sneaking a look at her phone. "I'm going to return Diane's phone call before she starts calling Nick too. I'll meet up with you guys in an hour OK?"

It was a relief to be outside the restaurant with its stifling air and her friends who were clearly treating her with kid gloves and whose happiness she did not want to ruin. Talking to her mother (and revisting the whole thing over the phone) was the last thing she wanted to do but Diane had called twice over the span of a few days and Alex knew that not contacting her would only cause her to worry (something she figured she had done more than enough of in the past). Screwing up her courage, she hit Diane's contact button and proceeded to walk down the street.

"Hey baby!" Her mother's warm voice greeted and Alex could immediately detect the relief in it. "I was beginning to think I was never gonna hear from you again"

"Yeah, sorry about that. It's been a crazy couple of days."

"I figured. Wish I could've made it to the show in Boston. Or that you could've made it home," She said wistfully and it was all Alex could do to choke back a sob. Bravado aside, no one could comfort her like her mother and the idea of running away to Northampton and saying fuck the rest of the tour was momentarily tempting, so much so that she dug her fingernails into her palm to keep from telling Diane she was about to do exactly that.

"Me too."

"Oh baby girl...you don't sound good. What happened, huh? Is it Piper?"

In her despair, she had forgotten that her mother could tell something was wrong just from the tone of her voice and she silently cursed her keen intuition. "Yeah...I put all my cards down, Ma...and she picked him."

"Oh baby..."

"It's OK, She shook her head as she picked up her pace. "I knew there was a chance it would end like this. I mean, it's not like I didn't know what I was getting into."

"Do you think that makes it suck any less? Listen to me, Alex. You can't just accept that. I was there, ya know? I saw the way she looked at you. She's absolutely crazy about you...Now I don't know her reasons but it's clear as fuckin' day, she's scared. Why the hell else would she turn down a chance to be with you?"

"I can't fight if there's nothing to fight for, Mom. I asked her if there was the slightest chance for us and she told me she made her choice. What am I supposed to do? I love her but I'm not going to hang on for something that'll never happen."

"But to just quit...that's not like you, Al. "Her mother was pissed but Alex knew it was because she was frustrated with the the situation and the fact she felt powerless to make it better."There's gotta be something-"

"No. If this is what she wants, I have to put on my big girl pants and accept it. My main concern is this band. I'm not going to let my bad choices fuck us up again."

"Yeah, well, my main concern is you, Al. You're in pain right now and you can't lie to me, I know you are. If you're gonna accept that Piper loves this guy, you better be damn sure you can let her go. Because if there's the tiniest bit of doubt...well, you gotta think of a plan B."

"I'm done, Ma. I was willing to deal with anything else, as long as she wanted to be with me but I honestly don't think she knows what the fuck she wants. I can't wait around for her to change her mind. And what then? What if she ultimately decides that she can't be with me?" She wiped her eyes, "I'm not going to be able to go through this again."

"I know, honey. I just want you to be happy."

"That's going to take awhile." Alex said, kicking a pebble with the toe of her boot. "Look, I gotta go. Just wanted to let you know I was still alive."

"OK, baby. You call me tomorrow, understand? I wanna make sure you're takin' care of yourself."

Her mother's concern made her want to break completely down, to tear down the walls she was putting up with everyone else, to allow herself to be taken care of, to confess to Diane the lengths she had gone to to drive Piper out of her head and out of her soul.

"I'm a grown-up, Mom. I'll survive. I also have Nicky and P watching every move I make."

"Even so," Diane replied gently, "You forget that you don't hafta to be strong with me, Alex. I know how much you blame yourself when things don't work out...please just promise me you'll cut yourself some slack."

She sighed. "I'll do my best. Seriously, don't worry about me. I'll be fine."

"That's like telling me not to breathe." Diane paused. "You want me to talk to her?"

"To who? To Piper?" Alex laughed incredulously, drawing odd looks from passerbys. "God, no. No. That would be the worst thing ever."

"Maybe she would listen to me."

"And maybe it would look like I'm a thirty-five year old woman who has to have her mother fight her battles for her." Realizing she was coming across as hostile, she corrected herself, "Not that I don't appreciate it, Mom. I do. But I think the best thing for me is to make myself accept reality and then to pick up the pieces...no matter how much it sucks. I know you don't like seeing me hurt but you can't protect me anymore, as much as you want to."

"No mother wants to see their child hurting, Al. I'm no different." Now it was Diane's turn to sigh. "So I'll spare you the whole it's her loss shit and she's making a huge mistake and how she's losing the most wonderful person in the world...but that doesn't mean I'm not still thinkin' it."

"And I thank you for that. I'll call you tomorrow, OK?"

"You're not just sayin' that, right? You'll actually call?"

"Yes," She rolled her eyes, "I'll actually call. Love you."

"Love you too, baby. You let those girls take care of you, you hear me? For my sake."

"Bye Mom."

As she pressed end, Alex realized she was shaking. Diane had long been her biggest supporter, biggest advocate, biggest defender and telling her she was willing walking away from someone she had fallen in love with had been almost as painful as walking away from Piper herself.

She couldn't blame Diane for her disbelief. Throwing in the towel, waving a white flag, all of it was completely foreign to her. She was a fighter, a survivor, it was embedded in her fucking DNA and to admit defeat was so uncharacteristic of her, she wondered who the hell she had become. But the reason was a simple one...Piper had chosen the safe road. It wasn't something she wanted to even try to comprehend but it was the truth and there was absolutely nothing left to hold onto, nothing at all to cling to. It was over.

By the time she got to the rehearsal space in downtown Stamford, she had walked twenty blocks , consumed two cups of coffee along the way and while not entirely prepared to face Piper again, she felt slightly more confident in her ability to lead rehearsal professionally so that they could get through the next two Connecticut shows without falling apart.

The space was huge and painted with a sunny yellow hue that normally would have set her teeth on edge but settled some of her anxiety with its cheerful optimism, allowing some of the tightness in her chest to dissipate.

"Hey," Nicky handed her a bottle of water. "You sure you're up for this?"

"I don't have a choice," Alex shrugged, brushing back her hair from her shoulders. "Let's go," She commanded loudly not bothering to even look at the singer who had been on a curled up on the small beige sofa with her phone.

She glanced up, startled at Alex's abrasiveness but stood nonetheless as Nicky grabbed her bass and Poussey sat at the drum set. The guitarist picked up her own instrument and still not focusing on Piper, began to warm up. "The whole set, guys,and be prepared to be here till we're all a hundred and fifty fucking percent."

They went straight through for the entire two hours without a break and Alex was relentless, making them begin again at the slightest error. Nicky and Poussey said nothing with Nick only opening her mouth once to protest before Poussey nudged her in the ribs, instantly shutting her up.

After the fourth beginning of "Inevitable", Piper dropped the mic and as it clattered loudly to the ground, her bandmates stared at her, mouths open.

"What the fuck is your problem?" Alex asked hotly, glaring. "That's a five hundred dollar microphone."

"What the fuck is _my_ problem?" The singer crossed her arms front of her chest and finally looking directly at her, Alex could see how pale her complexion was, how deep and cavernous the circles under her eyes were. It was obvious she hadn't slept and the brunette felt the smallest sense of satisfaction in knowing she was suffering.

"That's what I asked," She said cooly, training her eyes upon her.

"There's nothing wrong with how the song sounds and you know it. There's no reason to keep starting over...you're doing it to be an asshole."

"Hold on just a second," Nicky interjected, her eyes narrowing. " _She'_ s being an asshole? You really wanna go there right now?"

"Nick-" Poussey rose from behind the drum set, shaking her head, "Let's not-"

Piper turned to Alex, "You're doing this to punish me. And that's fine. I get it, hell, I deserve it. But you guys-"She looked to Poussey and Nicky, "Do you think I haven't noticed you guys giving me the silent treatment all day?"

"I have nothing to say to you, man," Nicky said, scowling. "I'm doing this for Alex but doesn't mean I have to act like we're fuckin' sorority sisters, OK?"

"Nicky," Alex cut in warningly, "Don't."

"No, Alex, let her talk. I know where your loyalties lie, Nicky. No matter what happens, I'll be the big, bad ,villain to you. I get it, alright? I hurt your best friend. And it's fucking killing me too but you can't see it that way." Her eyes were bright with tears. "I never meant to do it but I did and we have to all find a way to put up with each other because the fact is, I'm a part of this band too, whether you like it or not."

Moving closer to her, Nicky stood inches from her face. "Well I don't fucking like it. Not one bit, Chapman. You might as well know, I never wanted you to join this band. I knew, I fucking _knew_ you were gonna be a problem but Alex liked you so..."

"Great...so go ahead and treat me like complete shit. Because I'm the outsider, because I made a choice you don't approve of. Fuck you, Nicky," She sat own the couch, wiping hot, angry tears from her cheeks as they fell.

"That's where you're wrong, sweetheart. I'm treating you like complete shit because she almost fucking killed herself over you. What would you do if she had died? Would you feel bad that you led her on and broke her heart? Would you?"

"Nicky!" Poussey yelled at the same time as Alex slammed her balled fist into her upper thigh, "That's enough!"

"Alex?" The singer questioned hoarsely, frowning. "What is she talking about?"

"Show her, Al," Nicky said, her eyes boring into Piper's. "Show her your arms."

"What the fuck is this going to prove?"

"She needs to know what she did to you," The bassist insisted. "This is because of her."

"No, Nick." She blamed Piper for alot of things but she wasn't going to lay fault where it wasn't warranted. Piper hadn't put the neeedle into her arm anymore then she had told her to fuck a stranger. "That wasn't on her...I made the choice."

"Show me, Alex," Piper requested, her voice tiny and frightened and obeying, Alex rolled up the sleeves of her hoodie, baring the unmistakable bruises.

"Jesus Christ, Al," She gasped, taking in her busted veins. "What the fuck did you do to yourself?" She choked back a fresh sob, "What the fuck did you _do?_ "

"I needed to get you out of my head," She said simply, pushing her sleeves back down. "It was the only way I knew how at the time. I'm not proud, Piper. But it's done."

"You could've died." The horror of the realization was enough for the blonde to put her head in her hands and Alex had a sudden deflated sense of reality, almost as if she were watching everything unfold through someone else's eyes.

"Hell yes, she could've. I'm not going to ever let her go anywhere near that shit again. But she needs to stay the fuck away from you too. You're as bad as the fucking H."

"I never wanted this to happen. If I had thought for one second you were thinking about doing drugs again..." Piper trailed off, in anguish.. "You've got to believe me, Alex. I would never intentionally hurt you like that. I love you."

"There's that fucking word again. You're so good at just throwing that around, aren't you? It's like goddamn hello to you. You aren't going to fuck up Alex's life anymore. Never fucking again, understand?"

Poussey stepped in between them, laying her hand on the bassist's forearm. "You gotta calm down, Nick. Maybe we should take a walk or somethin'. Get your head straight. This is alot of shit to process right now."

"Oh I am calm, P. But I'm not going anywhere. It's Chapman that's leaving. Because as much as it's Alex's band, its my band too."

"What are you saying?" Alex asked, her chest tightening once again.

"I'm saying," She raised her eyebrows toward the silent blond. "I'm saying this is my band. And Chapman can get the fuck out."


	27. Chapter 27

With Nicky's sudden declaration, the tension in the room peaked and Alex felt all of the air deflate from her lungs as Poussey and Piper said nothing at all. It went without saying the bassist had taken them completely aback but Alex was livid.

"That's not just your call to make, Nick, Jesus." She fumed, "I get what you're trying to do and I know you're upset but you can't go and fucking run your mouth like that. Not without a discussion. Not only would there be legal shit to deal with, you're acting insane."

"Maybe I am but all I can see is her jerking you around, dude, married or not. And I can't speak for P but I can't fuckin' bare to watch." Poussey had put her hand on Nicky's shoulder silently, a gesture that had visibly calmed her and her voice had gone back down to its normal decibel.

"Do you want me to leave?" Piper stood, facing Alex. There was nothing defensive in her tone, only honesty and the other woman had to close her eyes briefly to gather herself. Because as much as she hurt, she couldn't fully shut off the part of herself that loved Piper, the part that cared if she felt displaced or ostracized.

"Everyone out," She requested, finding her voice. "Piper and I need to talk."

"C'mon, man," Poussey guided Nicky gently, putting her arm around her waist, "Let's take a walk."

"I don't fucking need to take a walk," She protested, swiping away her unruly curls but not breaking away from the drummer.

"Yeah, well I do. C'mon."

When they were alone, Alex turned to Piper. "Can we sit?"

They perched at opposite ends of the couch, the blonde sighing deeply. "I fucking hate this," She scuffed the toe of her sneaker along the hardwood floor. "Acting like we're strangers. I know I brought it upon myself and I get it, Alex, why we can't be friends...but it still really sucks."

"We're not talking about that right now," As much as she wanted to soften, to ease up on her own set rules to spare Piper pain, she knew it wasn't possible. Her fragile ego aside, there was the band to think about. She had spent two months so caught up in herself, in Piper, that Solitary Confinement came second. She hadn't worked for fifteen years to get them were they were to just throw it all away because she was hurting.

"OK...so my question still stands. Do you want me to leave? Because if you do, if that's going to affect us...I will. I know what you've sacrificed for this. I know it's everything to you because music is my world. I'm not going to sit here and ask you to put your band at risk because I'm walking away from you."

"Do you want to leave?"

"You know I don't."

Alex shook her head, "I don't know anything about you for sure, Piper. I thought I did."

"That's not fair," She countered softly, glancing up at her. "I love singing for you guys. Nothing is going to change that..not Larry, not the fact I fucked things up with us...but I know the rift this caused and I'm saying if it's going to divide everyone...I can make it easy and leave. If that's what _you_ want."

"Look, my personal baggage aside, I knew the risk I was taking with us, I knew I was potentially compromising the band...that's on me, Piper. I need to find a way to make it work." She sighed. "You're an amazing singer and if you left, we would never find anyone like you. Period. But I also know we can't play a show like the one we played last night ever again. I'm not going to put mediocre shit up there with our name attached. I'd rather call it quits before that happens, and I know you feel the same." Alex forced her gaze upward to meet Piper's eyes. "So we've gotta push through this."

"Nicky doesn't feel that way."

"Nicky is protective. She means well but...she was out of line saying the shit she did to you. No one made me shoot up, Piper. I knew exactly what I was doing."

"But I still can't help think that some of it was my fault," The blonde folded her hands, blowing out a stream of air through her pursed lips. "You've been clean for so long and then I go and hurt you and you use."

"I can't do this right now." The wound was wide open, too fresh to speak about and Piper's mournful gaze was bordering on pity, something Alex just couldn't take.

"I'm sorry. I know I keep saying it, but I don't think you know how fucking sorry I am. And for _who_ I am. If I could just be braver-"

"Please just shut up." The harshness of her words took them both aback and Alex swooped her glasses to the top of her head to rub her eyes. "I didn't mean it like that. I need time, Pipes. To stop being so angry and so fucking sad, OK? If we're going to find a way to keep this band from falling apart, I just need you to give me time. That means I'm not going be able to talk about anything, not for awhile. Can you give that to me?"

"Yes, of course." Piper replied softly, clearly hurt but resigned. "Whatever you need."

 _I need you, you idiot,_ was Alex's unspoken reply but outloud she said, "Thank you." She paused. "Just one more thing...is Larry going to be a problem?"

"What do you mean?"

"You said that Larry wanted you to quit. Is you staying going to be an issue? Because if he gives you grief down the line and pressures you to break your contract..."

"No," She said vehemently, "No way. I told him he either trusts me or he doesn't, but I'm not going anywhere."

"Good. Because we have a new album to record. And I'll talk to Nick. Tell her to ease up. We're a team so we need to fucking act like it." Alex pushed her glasses back down, pinching the bridge of her nose. "OK. I'll call the girls back in."

"Alright," She announced when everyone was settled, "No one is going anywhere. We need to move on, in the right direction and we have to put our differences aside. Or else we're royally fucked. Can we do that?"

Poussey was the first to speak up. "Yeah, man, we cool." She turned to Piper, "Didn't mean to be a dick, Chapman. Weird situation, that's all...Vause is right though...we all gotta keep it together or there won't be no band."

"Apology accepted," She smiled at the drummer. "And I get it...it's not an easy situation to deal with."

"Nick?" Alex cocked an eyebrow toward her friend, "What about you?"

"What about me?" She still refused to look at Piper, her arms crossed in front of her chest.

"I know you're worried about me and God knows, I appreciate it, I do," Alex said quietly, touching her elbow, "But we can't lose our shit like that anymore. None of us."

"You don't have to like me," Piper cut in, "I don't see how you would...we can keep it all business. Whatever's easier. And not that you're ever going to believe me, but I care about this band and you guys very much. I want us to succeed as much as you do."

She was touched by the singer's genuine admission. As much as she wasn't able to be honest about her own feelings, Alex took a small comfort in the fact she loved Solitary Confinement and was concerned about their future.

Nicky, for her part, appeared more resigned than impressed, and shoved her hands into the pockets of her jeans. "Whatever dude. If Al wants to make this work, I'm on board. Even though it's gonna be awkward as all fuck. And you're right about one thing. I don't have to like you."

"Nicky-" Alex shook her head.

"No, it's OK, Alex. She's got every right." Piper replied neturally, "We ready to go again?"

"Yeah," The guitarist shot Nicky a look, "Straight through this time. Promise I won't stop, OK?"

In the span of an hour and a half, they had gotten through the entire setlist and Alex deemed them ready to break but not before reminding them of call times the next evening.

"Hey," Poussey came up behind Alex, slinging her arm around her, "We were just gonna chill at the hotel...you comin'?" She glanced at Piper who was dismantling the microphone stand, "Uh, you too Chapman. It's band night."

"Uh, no, you guys enjoy. Take the alone time while you can get it. I'm probably just gonna turn in early." Alex said quickly before Piper had a chance to respond. It wss one thing to get along for the sake of the band, it was another to willingly put herself into a situation where she had to actually spend a significant amount of time with the other woman in a normal situatuon.

"You sure?" Nicky asked lowly, her eyes betraying the fact she was unsure about leaving her to her own devices. "Cuz if it makes you uncomfortable-"

"I'm going to meet up with some old friends tonight," Piper had been listening to the conversation as she helped break down the equipment. "So you don't have to worry about me being there."

Her words held the smallest note of bitterness and Alex blinked. "Everything is not about you, OK? I want to give them alone time. In case you didn't get the memo, they're together. Not everyone's caught up in a big fucking diaster right now."

For a minute, Piper stared at her. "Kind of uncalled for, Al, don't you think? Given what we just had a conversation about two hours ago." She turned to Poussey. "That's great. I'm happy for you guys."

"Vause figured it out," The drummer explained shyly, "We're takin' it real slow. We weren't gonna really say nothin' to anybody...not till we were sure things were gonna work out."

"I've taken a vow to keep the peace," Nicky laced her fingers through Poussey's, "So I won't say that Chapman doesn't get why you're being a bitch...tryin' to keep the snark down to a minimum, ya know?"

"Noted." Alex was still reeling from the sting of Piper's remark and from her own response. She had always prided herself on keeping her attitude firmly in check, in not reverting back to the little punk ass she had been a lifetime ago, before rehab and before the band...sarcastic and flip, yes, a complete douche, no. "Look, guys, I'll be fine. I'm not going to go out and use again, and if I feel the temptation, I'll call. OK? Go."

"Fine. But you better fuckin' call, you hear me? Even if you just wanna talk. P and I are around."

"Bye guys," She waved them out, putting her guitar back into its case. Piper was still there, pretending to scroll through her phone, not making an effort to get ready to go.

"I was being an asshole," Alex admitted, planting her hands on her hips. "And I'm sorry. I'm struggling here, Piper. I mean, if I'm being honest,, I kind of knew that you were going to pick him. But it doesn't change the fact I loved you, that I still love you...and you broke my heart. I'm not trying to be..." She fumbled for an explanation, "It's just the truth."

"I know it is," Piper said, her voice barely above a whisper, "Because whether you believe it or not, I'm heartbroken too. Because I can't be the woman you thought I was." Her eyes shone, "You deserve so much better than what I can give you."

"I could say the same for you, Pipes."

Sadness was difficult for her to process. Anger, pain, frustration...she had a firm handle on those things but deep sorrow was something too obtuse to comprehend and those times in her life where she had faced it; meeting and subsequently losing the image she had concocted of her father, losing Piper, she had failed miserably and ended up in self-destructive situations.

Now though, she wasn't only bereft for herself and her own loss, she was incredibly sad for Piper. To not be able to be her authentic self, to feel as if she had to sacrifice her happiness to live up to everyone else's impossible standards... it made the hole in her heart deepen.

"I've got to go. See you tomorrow." The blonde quickly gathered up her things, and as she rushed past, Alex noticed she had begun to cry.

The following morning dawned bright and beautiful and as Alex got up to face the day, she realized her head felt slightly lighter than it had before and while still swimming in the depths of her grief, she thought she could at least look at Piper without wanting to die. It was a vast improvement and she celebrated the small victory by treating herself to a rich breakfast of Eggs Benedict with sliced tomatoes, hash, and several cups of strong coffee. Rejoining the human race felt so good, in fact, tnat she was able to check in with Diane without crying and go for a run, something with all thebtension, she hadn't wanted to do for weeks. By no means, did she feel totally herself again (Alex before meeting Piper and after meeting her were two vastly different women), but it felt as though she could at least breathe a little. And that was more than enough for now.

She also realized (while swimming early afternoon laps in the hotel pool), that she wasn't stopping every five minutes to wonder what Piper was doing, she wasn't allowing herself to think about how every minute part of her missed everything about her. It was progress, she knew, slow progress, but progress none the less.

The day was spent alone (after texting back and forth with her friends) and Alex supposed she needed that as well; time processing her own shit solo, not under the anxious (though well intentioned) watch of her bandmates. It was oddly freeing to know that even though she still felt like shit, the urge to use had dissipated and she knew the self-destructive part of herself was at bay.

After a restful few hours and a light dinner, Alex strolled into The Palace where they would be playing around her usual early arrival time. She half expected to see Piper in the dressing room and her heart pounded hard in her chest at the prospect. As much as she had managed to get through the day in a relative state of calm, seeing her face to face was still difficult. Every single emotion came immediately flooding back the second their eyes locked. Moving on was all well and good, in theory, but Alex was painfully aware that she was still very much in love with Piper Chapman.

As it turned out, Piper was not sitting in the dressing room when she entered it, a fact that Alex regarded with a mixture of relief and disappointment. She had become used to having Piper meet her early before a show. It had been their own private time to relax together, to tweak intricate, minor, details of songs that being both perfectionists, only they could detect. She had loved those two hours before everyone else got there and the room was filled with noise and chaos, when it was only Piper and the music and the gorgeous enormity of just how very much Alex adored her. One more thing to give up. One more step in the grieving process. One more link to Piper-gone, just like that.

For the first time that day, Alex felt the urge to cry, to try and rid herself of the swell of sadness that was causing her throat to constrict. But she didn't give in, instead settling herself on the plush carpeted floor with her guitar and strumming mindlessly until the feeling slowly subsided.

"A hell of alot better than H," She muttered aloud. Music had been her touchstone her entire life, through every storm and heartache, and now was no different. It balmed her anxiety and her hurt and quieted the need to destroy whatever happened to cross her path. It would see her through this latest break, she knew, as much as it didn't feel like anything could possibly help.

When Piper did show up, it was a quarter to six. She said hello and quietly went about setting up her things. Alex couldn't help but take in her appearance; her normally pale skin was nearly translucent and the dark circles under her eyes seemed more prominent than ever. She also appeared as though she had dropped a few pounds, the weight fluctuation noticeable on her already slender frame.

"Hey," Alex had internally debated whether or not to open her mouth, but her concern for Piper's well being overrode her own dignity. "Don't take this the wrong way, but you don't look good. You OK?"

Piper glanced up from hanging up her concert attire and Alex could tell she was thinking _Why the fuck do you care?_

She could not say that she blamed her, what with all the snark she had been throwing at her as of late, but there was no switch she could flick to make her stop worrying, no magical solution to prevent her from no longer giving a shit.

"I'm alright," The blonde replied evenly, redirecting her attention to her make-up station where she had started to lay her products out. "I still haven't been sleeping all that well."

"Or eating, by the looks of it," Alex couldn't keep herself from saying. "Pipes, when was the last time you had an actual meal?'

"And you're sudddenly cconcerned about my eating habits?" She glared. "You made it perfectly clear we aren't friends and we never can be."

"God, Piper...that doesn't mean I don't fucking care if you show up looking like death. You're still my bandmate."

Clearly, it was the wrong thing to say and Piper set down her hair straighter with a loud clang. "Of course you're concerned because of the band. Don't worry, Al, I'm still going to go out there and perform."

"You are so dense sometime, you know that?" The guitarist huffed angrily, "This has nothing to do with performing. You look like shit, Piper. You're not taking care of yourself and it shows." Her voice softened, "If you need a break, you need to tell me. We can figure something out."

Realistically, she realized that short of canceling the rest of the tour, there wasn't much she could do. Piper was suffering, that much was obvious and she was instantly guilty in taking pleasure in it earlier. She had been too immersed in her own shit to see beyond it, that the the blonde had to deal with the repercussions of her choice just as much as Alex did.

 _We're both ticking fucking time bombs, just in different ways,_ she thought. Piper didn't deal with sadness particularly well either, it seemed, and suddenly, Alex desperately wanted to break all the stupid rules she had self-imposed. When it came down to it, to the bare bones of the whole matter, she loved her. It was as simple as that.

But Piper was aloof. "I can sing," She picked up the straightener again, her words clipped and percise. "You don't need to worry about me."

"OK, fine." Alex was unconvinced but she wasn't about to argue with her, not when they were already in such a tremulous place. It was better to leave well enough alone for the tlme being.

Shortly after, the girls arrived, bubbling over with a kind of nervous energy that got under Alex's skin but she said nothing, especially after seeing how blissful her friends seemed, completely at ease with one another, joking around and sharing a Venti cappuccino, stealing little smiles when their fingers just so happened to brush as they passed the cup between them. A little pang of longing shot through her as she watched them and she silently wondered if their adorableness would eventually not make her want to jump out the nearest window.

Sound check was fairly painless, and as she was getting ready, pinning up her hair, Poussey came over, sitting on the floor beside her make-up station, stealing a quick glance around to ensure their privacy. Nicky was applying make-up with ear buds in and Piper had stepped out to call Larry.

"Yo, Chapman does not look good." The drummer said, her eyes warm with concern, "She sick or somethin?"

"I said the same thing. She told me she wasn't getting enough sleep. It's clearly bullshit. She's not fucking taking care of herself. Maybe you could say something to her." Alex carefully applied liner, "She basically told me to fuck off. She likes you."

"I'll try my best, man." The other woman paused, looking up at Alex. "Do you think she's like, punishin' herself or some shit? Like for picking him?"

"I don't know. She made her bed, P. I don't want to see her hurting herself but I'm also not going to be knee deep in all of it again. I'm not. It was hard enough the first time."

"Nah, man, I get it. I'll talk to her after the show. Make her eat a burger. And a shake," She grinned. "Gives me an excuse to have it myself. Not that I need one," she added.

"What about Nicky? She's not exactly Piper's biggest fan right now."

"You grab her after, I'll grab Chapman. And you know, Nicky, man. She talks big but she don't mean nothin' by it. She's like a mama bear, you know?"

"I do." Alex switched gears, "You guys seem solid. Happy."

"Yeah, I guess we are," Poussey acknowledged. "It took us so long to actually get there, but it was so worth it. That girl, dude," She grinned again, shaking her head. "She gotta a way of gettin' to you...even when you wanna kill her."

"That's our Nick alright. Seriously though, P...if I could've picked anyone for her, it would've been you. I know you have her back and that means alot."

"She's got mine too. One of the reasons I love her."

The pang struck again but she quickly brushed it off as Piper had returned to get dressed and Nicky was finished getting ready. They had ten minutes and Alex had to take a few deep breaths, her composure slightly crumbling. After the previous show, they had alot to prove. Rehearsal had been solid and Alex supposed that the humiliation had been enough fuel to get them back on track. Or at least she hoped so.

"Alright, girls," Red bustled into the room, apparently sharing the same nervous energy, "Showtime. Go out there and make me proud."

They stepped on stage, the lights hitting immediately, the crowd already pumped and screaming. Automatically as she strummed the first chords on her guitar, Alex could feel her fear melt away as she lost herself in the music, in the crowd's energy, in Piper's voice, sounding like home (she moved the sad part of that to the back of her brain). They were chugging along nicely and she returned Nicky's wide grin, knowing how pleased she was at the way things were going.

"We love you, Stamford!" Alex boomed into the second floor mic, "Let's slow things down a little bit!"

They began the opening to "Inevitable," the audience gracefully accepting the shift in momentum and she leaned into the music, looking to Piper to begin to sing.

Piper's face was ashen. She opened her mouth but nothing came out and she looked over ar Alex helplessly before her eyes rolled to the back of her head and she crumbled to the ground.


	28. Chapter 28

Everything seemed to happen in slow motion. Medics rushed the stage as well as a few doctors in the crowd as they closed the curtain, examining Piper, who came to fairly quickly but was groggy enough to warrant the EMT's to ask questions of her to determine the cause of her fainting.

Alex stood with her bandmates outside of the small circle created around Piper, her heart thudding wildly. The image of the blonde paling and meeting her eyes before she fell haunted her and as Nicky and Poussey both put their hands protectively on each of her shoulders, she was suddenly nauseous.

"Girls," Red twirled her hair anxiously as she spoke, "Come back to the dressing room. There's nothing more you can do right now."

Alex shook her head. "I don't want to leave her."

Red's eyes were knowing and she touched her arm, "I know. They are taking her to the hospital to get checked out..just as a precaution. You're scared but it will be OK. Come," she said kindly and Alex was taken aback at how nice she was being about the whole situation.

"I want to go with her," She said quickly, "To the hospital. In the ambulance, I mean, so she's not alone."

The manager shook her head. "I will ride with her. You girls change up and meet us there. It'll give you a chance to calm down." She paused. "I'll have an annoucement made. We'll deal with the headache of refunds later. Go."

The trio didn't speak as they followed Red's instructions, Alex getting dressed as fast as humanly possible as Poussey took responsibility for calling Uber. As she put on her boots, Nicky placed her hand on her shouder comfortingly.

"She's gonna be OK. She's tough."

Even through her own worry, Alex recognized the guilt in Nicky's eyes. "Not your fault, you know. She hasn't looked well for days. Nothing you said made this happen."

Nicky shrugged, "I didn't help anything by being a bitch."

"This is all so fucked," She said lowly, bending back upward. "I never should've let her go on tonight, Nick. Not with how fucking weak she was."

"Now who's feeling guilty?" The bassist said gently. "We don't even know what's wrong yet. All we can do is wait and see, man. Don't beat yourself up."

"Car's on the way," Poussey told them, changing quickly into the jeans and a sweatshirt she had worn there. "How you holdin' up?" she asked Alex.

"I'll be better once I see she's OK."

"Yeah, me too. That was some scary shit." The drummer put an arm around Nicky, pulling her close. "Hey...this is kinda out there, but do you think-" She shook her head, "Nah, man. That's kinda nuts. I don't even wanna put that out there."

"What?" Alex asked suspiciously. "P, if you have something to say, just say it."

"My sister looked like shit like that...dark circles, tired, couldn't eat. She passed out one day and come to find out, she was pregnant."

She hadn't even considered that to be a possibility and the mere suggestion put an even larger knot in her stomach. "I-I don't-"

"Unless she was already knocked up when she joined the band, that's fuckin' physically impossible," Nicky interjected, "Do you really think she'd lie about something major like that? Or that there would be no other signs? Plus she drinks. You guys know I don't think too fuckin' highly of her right now, but I don't think she's pregnant, I really don't."

As she rationalized Nicky's words, her breathing slowly returned to normal and she nodded. "Nicky's right. There's just no way. But obviously she's wrecked or else she wouldn't have passed out "

A text came into Poussey's phone and she glanced down at it. "Let's go, car's here."

It took less than fifteen minutes to get to the hospital from The Palace and the second they stepped foot in the door and into the ER, Poussey breathed in sharply.

"You OK?" Nicky asked.

"Yeah...it's just the smell, man." she explained tightly, "Brings me back to when my Mom was sick."

The curly haired women squeezed her hand. "We can wait outside if you need to. I'm sure Vause will keep us posted."

"I'll be alright. I'm here for Chapman."

As they stepped inside the waiting room, Alex spotted Red who immediately rose when she saw them. "They took her in as soon as she got here. They won't tell me anything though because I'm not family."

"She doesn't talk to her family," Alex was indignant. "They can't even let you know if she's doing OK?" She wanted to punch the wall. "This is such bullshit."

"They'll talk to me," A stocky man with a beard piped up from beside Red. "Probably."

"This is Cal," Red explained, gesturing to the man, "Piper's brother."

Instantly, Alex recalled Piper mentioning that Cal was the only person in her family she still spoke to and although he was several years younger than she was, he had always understood her in a way that the rest of them couldn't. She hadn't said anything about him attending the concert and Alex wondered if she had known he was there.

"Nice to meet you," She gathered herself, extending her hand toward him. "I'm Alex."

" Yeah, I know," He shook her hand. "Piper's told me alot about you. And you guys kicked ass tonight...till Piper ruined it by passing out."

His feeble attempt at humor was met with a few polite chuckles and Nicky and Poussey introduced themselves as they all sat down.

"She didn't know I was coming. The last time we talked, she mentioned you guys were playing Stamford but I was in the woods in the middle of nowhere and I didn't know if I'd be back in time. I drove down here to surprise her."

"Do your parents know she's here?" Alex asked, trying to ignore the fact she desperately wanted a cigarette. She crossed and uncrossed her legs uncomfortably. "I'm going to guess you haven't called them."

"And have Pipe be pissed at me?" Cal shook his head. "No way. They would be like, the two last people on earth she would want me to call."

"You want me to get coffee?" Nicky cut in suddenly. "I'll go-".

Alex suspected the real reason she offered was to escape a totally uncomfortable situation but she appreciated the gesture all the same and gave her a small smile. "I'm good, thanks."

"Anyone else?" The bassist shrugged helplessly, "I dunno, isn't that what you're supposed to do when you're waiting for someone in the hospital?" She turned to Poussey, "Just tryin' to help."

"I know, and you're sweet," Poussey kissed the top of her head. "But all you gotta do is just be here. That's it."

The ER doctor came out and Cal introduced himself and they talked privately for a brief minute apart from the others. When Cal returned, he informed them that Piper was being admitted and they could see her for only a short time as visiting hours were long over and she needed her rest.

"What's going on? Did they say why she fainted?" Alex asked, standing up.

"Exhaustion mixed with dehydration. I guess she said she wasn't eating much either." He shook his head. "Piper tends to shut down when things get tough. So what happened?"

Alex felt her body immediately tense. "I think that's something Piper should tell you. Not my place."

"Fair enough," He shrugged and it stuck her how different he was from Piper. Wheresas she was guarded and intense, Cal was open and laid-back, as was evidenced by how he spoke and she thought it was completely crazy they were close, considering what dissimilar personalities tney had.

"Does she have a room already?" Red interrupted. She had been remarkably quiet through the entire ordeal and Alex had to wonder if she was feeling a little guilty herself.

"She's on the sixth floor," Cal looked at her, "We just have to go to the nurse's station when we get up there for her room number."

They headed to the elevator and as they rode up to Piper's floor, Nicky turned to Alex. "Do you think she'll even wanna see me? We didn't exactly leave things in a good place..."

"I'm sure it would mean alot to her if you popped your head in and saw that she was OK," The guitarist replied. "Obviously you give a shit, Nick...or else you wouldn't be here."

When they reached her floor and got her room number, they were informed by the nurse on duty tnat only three visitors were allowed at one time and that to keep it brief as Piper needed rest.

"You go," Alex ventured to Cal, pausing outside the door. "You too, Red. The three of us can see her together."

Cal looked at her oddly then and she averted her gaze to the floor. _Jesus, is it that fucking obvious?_

"OK," He said, stepping aside so Red enter first. "After you."

"We'll wait in the lounge at the end of the hall," she told them, gesturing for Nicky and Poussey to follow.

As they settled themselves into uncomfortable chairs, Alex stared mindlessly at Storage Wars playing on the wall mounted TV while Nicky scrolled through her phone, allowing Poussey to rub small circles on her back, a gesture that seemed to be for her own comfort as much as it was for Nicky's.

"Do you think Red called Larry?" She questioned outloud, her gaze still fixed on the television. "Not that there's much he can do from Boston..."

Nicky shook her head. "It wasn't something major. Yeah, she passed out but she's gonna be fine. She calls him and he's breathin' down her goddamn neck more so than usual. He's wanna come here," she pulled a face. "Bad enough he's gonna be aound in New York."

"I doubt Piper would say anything either."

Sitting in silence, waiting for Cal and Red to come back, Alex tried to focus on what was going on on TV, on the ticking of the clock on the wall, on how the leather was cracking a little near the toe of her favorite boots...anythjng to distract her from her thoughts but her head swam too much for anything that required concentration. Instead she busied herself with stupid things; counting the number of blue squares on the linoleum floor, picking at her already chipping nail polish, fishing two dollars out of her wallet to grab a Coke from the vending machine. Tiny things that she could do, reflexes performed with no premediation.

After what seemed like an eternity, Cal and Red entered the waiting, Red looking utterly exhausted. "I'm going back to the hotel," she announced wearily. "Not much more to do here and I need my beauty sleep."

"Did they say why they're keeping her?" Alex asked. A part of her feared that there was something soneone wasn't telling her.

"Only to give her IV fluids and to make sure she rests. It's late. I told her if she needed me to cancel tomorrow's show, I would. It will be lost money and one fucking big headache but Piper's health is more important. I'll keep you updated. Goodnight, girls. Try to get some rest." Red headed out of the waiting room and toward the elevators.

Always a slight cynic, the guitarist couldn't help but think some of Red's concern and generosity was for Cal's benefit, because he had been in the room. It wasn't to say the manager didn't care about their well being but Alex knew for a fact there wasn't nothing that infuriated her more than losing money. The mere suggestion of doing something that would cost them would've normally sent Red into a complete tantrum; she had seen it firsthand. If she had to hazard a guess it was that she feared lawsuits on her hands (Larry's father was a lawyer) if she pushed Piper too hard.

"You know my sister," Cal scratched his beard, "She's stubborn. If she wants to sing tomorrow night, she damn will."

"That's Piper," Alex sighed. "Hopefully she changes her mind because I think it's a shit idea."

"Maybe you can convince her otherwise," He offered a knowing smile. "She asked for you."

"She asked for me?" Alex repeated, taken aback. She was the last person she expected Piper to want, given their last conversation.

He nodded. "She wanted to know if you were here. I told her you were and and she got really quiet and kinda looked down and said, "Oh." Anyway, she's in room 605."

Taking in this news, she exhaled. "C'mon, guys," Nicky and Poussey followed as she stood up and walked down the hall.

She didn't quite know what to expect when she walked in but Piper was sitting at an incline, looking alert and much less pale than when they had last seen her. Alex felt almost dizzy with relief but she found herself unable to speak.

Luckily, Nicky jumped in. "Ya look great, kiddo. You don't match the sheets anymore, so that's good..." She trailed off awkwardly.

"You scared the shit out of us, girl," Poussey said, moving in to touch her arm lightly. "How you feelin' now?"

"Better," She smiled at the drummer. "This is helping," she gestured to the IV in her arm. "Sorry I fucked up the concert...it was going so well too."

"Doesn't matter," Nicky shrugged. "We're just glad you're OK." She scratched her head, "Hey listen, Piper, about rehearsal yesterday..."

"Please don't apologize just because I'm in the hospital. Not like I'm dying or anything." She smirked. "You meant everything you said and I completely understand why. I'd like us to be friends again, Nick, but if that can't happen, well, we can at least try to get along."

"Yeah, dude...That sounds do-able."

The blonde had noticed Alex had not said a word, her eyes glued to Piper's IV stand, to her own shoes, to anything that wasn't the blonde herself.

"Hey Alex," She ventured softly, "Thanks for coming."

Something in her voice made Alex lift her head and when she did and their eyes connected, a little something in her died all over again and suddenly she was back in the moment where she had just taken Piper's hand and the electricity between them, the connection, had been so intense, her first instinct had been to run. And that was what she wanted to do at that moment.

"Where else would I be?" She asked gruffly, averting her gaze.

"I don't know...I know things are kind of weird right now..." Piper smoothed back an errant piece of hair. "Anyway, you didn't have to. I'm fine."

"If you call passing out because you're not eating or drinking enough fine..." It was difficult to keep the edge out of her voice but Piper's blase attitude about the whole situatuon was beginning to get to her.

"Uh, since you're doing better, we're gonna just head back to the hotel," Nicky broke in, Poussey nodding and Alex recognized her friend was trying to give her an out.

"You guys go ahead, I'll grab a cab back later. I wanna talk to Piper."

"OK, man, we'll catch you later. Glad you're feelin' better, Chapman," Poussey said. "See you soon."

They left and Alex sat down in the chair nearest to her bed and put her hands in her lap. "Stop punishing yourself like this," she said simply. "You made the choice you felt you had to. Doesn't matter how I feel...you did what you had to do, Piper. It's done. There's no use hurting yourself because you're hurting."

"You're one to talk."

She sighed deeply. "That's why I'm saying it. It was a really stupid move and I hate that you're doing the same thing."

"I'm trying to live with myself, Alex...I'm trying to figure out why I threw away the best thing that ever happened to me." Her eyes glistened and she reached out for Alex's hand. "I don't know how to-what do we do, Al? I'm at a loss here."

"We try to heal," Alex answered honestly. "We try to heal and we try to move on." She threaded their fingers together, squeezing her hand briefly before releasing it.

"Well, that's hard to do."

"Yeah it is." She looked down. "Pipes...don't perform tomorrow. Please. Give yourself a chance to rest. Really rest, before we go to New York."

Her eyes widened. "I can't believe I'm listening to you say this right now. First Red and now you? What about refunds? What about people bitching on social media? It's not like we're famous enough yet for it not to matter canceling shows."

"Let Red worry about all that. It's what we pay her for. You need to focus on feeling better."

"I feel completely fucking useless right now," Piper sank back against the pillows, her frustration evident.

"Well, what use are you going to be if you collapse again? Or if you can't do the rest of the tour." She asked gently. "Listen...everything will work out. This isn't going to break us. But you need to take care of yourself. Understood? I'm putting on my leader hat here."

Piper cracked a tiny smile. "Understood."

"Good. I'll tell Red what you decided. You go ahead and get some rest, OK?" She pulled the blanket up to cover her. "I'll check in tomorrow."

"Good night."

Alex stood to go, poised toward the door.

Alex?"

"Yeah?" She said over her shoulder.

"Thanks again for coming." Her voice was so soft, Alex could barely hear her. "I hoped you would."

"Night, Pipes."

She exited the room, exhaling shakily and leaning against the wall briefly to catch her breath. The events of the night were beginning to wear her down and she wanted nothing more than to go back to the hotel and climb into bed. The exhaustion was creeping up to her like an unwanted visitor and she rubbed her eyes from behind her glasses.

"Hey, Alex!"

She turned around as she reached the elevator at the end of the floor, her finger poised over tbe button.

"Hey," The guitarist returned, surprised to see Cal standing behind her. "You're still here."

He reddened slightly. "Yeah...thought I'd stick around, you know, in case Pipe needs me."

"I don't think they're letting anybody else in. It's," she glanced at her phone, "almost eleven thirty."

"Yeah...well, can I gjve you a ride back to your hotel then?"

Alex hesitated. "Thanks, but I can get a cab "

"I'm not a serial killer, I swear," Cal offered amicably, "Hey, you like beer? There's a great bar not far from here and I don't know about you, but I need one after tonight."

She paused, considering his offer. It had been a crazy few hours and her exhaustion having momentarily disappeared, it seemed a better alternative than staring at the ceiling, facing hours of possible insomnia.

"Sure, yeah...why the hell not, right?"

"Great, let's go," They went into the elevator and rode it to the parking garage where they drove a few minutes down the road to a tucked away spot.

When they had settled in, sitting at the bar and ordering their beers, they sat in silence, which was surprisingly not weird, considering Alex had known Piper's brother for all of two hours. She could understand why he and Piper got along. He had a calming presence where Alex didn't feel pressured to fill the silence with uncomfortable small talk like she did with some people. Cal was a pretty relaxed guy and she definitely liked that about him.

"So," she spoke finally, taking a sip of beer, "Was Piper surprised to see you?"

"Oh yeah. I mean, she kinda wished it was under better circumstances but..." He smiled. "I'm gonna hang out with her tomorrow. Make sure she takes it easy. You know Piper. Her idea of taking it easy is going on a five mile run instead of a ten mile run."

"Yup. Which is why I'm glad you'll be around. And I bet she'll appreciate the company. Have you guys always been close?"

"Pretty much. We're only three years apart so we were always together...Danny, that's our older brother, he was ten years older than me so he pretty much did his own thing. But Pipe and I...she got me, you know? She would talk to me when she couldn't talk to my parents. Which was alot."

"She's definitely told me a few stories," Alex laughed before becoming serious. "I'm worried about her, Cal. I don't know how much she said..."

"Not much with your manager in the room. But I know a little. She told me about you. About you guys, I mean."

"What?" Alex leaned forward in her chair, nearly knocking her beer over. "When?"

"When she started having feelings for you. She called me and said she was all kinds of conflicted but she was drawn to you. I told her to be careful but we never talked about it after that. I could tell something changed but Piper's pretty tight lipped when she wants to be." He glanced at Alex. "Hope you're not mad."

"No, no...I'm not mad," She recovered, "Just suprised, that's all. I didn't know she told anybody."

"I guess she needed to get my opinion, you know? To see if it was a bad idea. We run stuff by each other sometimes...but I couldn't tell her what to do. I'm not really a guy who gives advice. At least not good advice." Cal drained the rest of his glass. "Want another one?"

She nodded and he ordered them two more, thanking the bartender when he placed the full glasses down in front of them.

"Anyway, I'm gonna go ahead and guess that whatever happened between you and my sister isn't happening anymore since I got a wedding invitation in the mail like, three days ago..."

She shook her head and to her horror, a golf ball sized lump formed in throat. They last thing she wanted was to lose her shit in front of Piper's brother, who by all accounts, seemed like a nice guy, but a guy, nonetheless whom she barely knew and who she didn't want to think she was a mentally unstable musican who went around sleeping with her engaged bandmates. Even if the latter was pretty much true.

Cal put his hand over hers, sensing that she was beginning to lose it a little. "Hey, hey...it's OK. This a judgement free zone "

"I asked her to make a choice," She admitted, playing with the mottled edge of the coaster. "I told her I couldn't handle being her secret anymore. And she chose Larry. This was after he walked in on us kissing in Boston."

"Holy shit," He exhaled. "Larry must've had an aneurysm."

"Practically. But he was willing to forgive her...so I asked her to choose. And it wasn't me." Alex shrugged. "And here we are."

"Wow, that sucks." He said sympathetically. "Can I just say something?"

"Shoot."

"I'm not really shocked she went with Larry. Not at all. He's the safest choice. And this might make me sound like a real asshole here, but the most boring one. I saw the way her eyes lit up tonight when I told her you were here. And when she talked about you on the phone, her voice got all dreamy. She's definitely into you, Alex. But I know my sister...she's not a big risk taker."

"Apparently," Alex replied dryly, rolling her eyes.

"You gotta understand...my parents put alot of pressure on her growing up. Danny was the golden child. He could do nothing wrong in their eyes. He practically shat out sunshine. I was always the screw-up...they kinda knew that early on so I got off pretty easy in the expectations department. It was kind of awesome, actually." He paused, "but Pipe had to behave a certain way and dress a certain way...and pull good grades and do sports and date dudes only from families they approved of...they wanted her to be a doctor or a lawyer. When she said she moving to Boston to try to be a musician...well, all hell broke loose. They basically let her know if that was what she wanted, she was on her own."

"Jesus..." She had known Piper's childhood hadn't been ideal, that her parents had lacked warmth but the singer hadn't told her to what extent they'd controlled her life. "And the boyfriend? Did you know about him? The one who had the band."

Cal's features darkened. "I only met him once when I was visting her but I didn't like the way he talked to her. He was a bully and I told her as much but she insisted she was fine, he was fine, everything was fine. Obviously not, because the next time I heard anything, Polly was calling me to tell me she almost OD'd. That's when I got the whole story. Believe me, the guy was lucky he was already dead."

"What do you think about Larry?" She asked quietly. "A vast improvement from that bastard, no doubt."

"Larry's a great guy. Not the brightest crayon in the box but really nice. And he loves Piper, treats her well. But he doesn't really get her, you know? He's always a few steps behind what she thinks or what she wants. Not that he doesn't try. I thought so, even before she met you." Cal said. "Not that I've ever said anything to her about it. In case you haven't noticed, I kinda try to keep my life conflict free. That's why I live in the middle of the woods. I'm lucky if I get a cell phone signal half the time."

"Do you think she's making a mistake?"

He mused carefully. "I think she's doing what she thinks she's supposed to. My parents controlled her, that asshole controlled her...I'm not saying Larry is, not intentionally, anyway, but the bottom line is, she's scared, Alex. To be with someone who gets her; how important her music is to her, how she overthinks everything till it doesn't exist anymore, the way she's the most supportive person in the world for everyone else but she can't seem to do the same for herself. Not only someone who gets all that, but accepts it, accepts Pipe for who she is and doesn't try to change her. That's not Larry and we both know it."

"I can't change her mind, Cal. I tried." Alex finished her beer, watching as foam clung to the side of the glass. "I know this wasn't an easy decision for her to make."

"She let a guy beat the shit out of her for almost two years, Alex, and it wasn't because she was weak or in denial...she was scared of the alternative. If she left, she would've been completely alone...in her mind, it was the better choice." His eyes met with hers, the shade of blue so like Piper's, she felt the same lump form in her throat again. "Do I think she's making a mistake? Well, yeah. I do. She's in love with someone else."

Her breath hitched. "I'm trying really hard to move on...maybe that's the best thing for both of us."

"And maybe, just maybe, it's not." Cal leaned forward, eyes twinkling. "As much as I told you I avoid conflict, I'm also a sucker for happy endings."

"Yeah, well, that seems kind of implausible at this point, don't you think?"

"That's up to you. Are you going to let my sister marry a man she doesn't love? Or are you going to do something about it?"


	29. Chapter 29

It wasn't as if Cal's words didn't resonate with her. The acknowledgment that Piper wasn't in love with Larry was something she had realized quite some time ago but to hear it from someone else was the confirmation she needed. Knowing Piper's background gave her pretty good insight to why she had stayed with him for so long, even if she couldn't fully understand.

But what Cal didn't get, what her mother didn't get, what they _couldn't_ get, was that it wasn't enough for her to fight for Piper. That part was easy...she was always fighting for her and she always would be; to trust herself, to be confidnet in her abilities, to realize she deserved everything she worked for. What it came down to was that it was Piper's turn to fight. For them. For herself. Alex could plead, could reiterate that she was making a mistake until she was blue in the face, could tell her she could give her what Larry couldn't but it was all just empty words if Piper didn't fully believe it.

Piper had to know what she wanted, who she wanted. And it wasn't to say she couldn't be scared, of the unknown or of the future. Alex would accept her fear. Hell, she was afraid too but what she wouldn't accept was her indecision. If she couldn't be entirely certain she wanted to be with her, there was nothing worth fighting for.

The next day, they would be in New York and in three days, Piper would be married and she would have to figure out how to move on. Two months ago, she had focused on trying to get out of the enormous mess they had landed in when Morello left and falling in love had been the furthest thought in her mind, but here she was, trying to fix what was broken, trying to find a way to let go of someone who had gotten to her heart and to her brain and to her soul in so many tiny, indescribable ways, they were impossible to count.

Piper didn't know, but she had written something for her too...only she hadn't known it at the time. "Just You and I" was about longing for someone you couldn't fully have; for Nick, it had been Lorna, and for her, it was someone she had not met yet but could've been out there. She had pieced it all together after Piper had kissed her for the first time but it was something she kept to herself. It was beautiful and sweet and sad, all at once, but it was quiet and intimate and not a song she felt would resonate for a large audience. Piper had loved it too and asked why they didn't play it in concert and she had responsed it wasn't really a something they played larger venues, but the real reason, when she figured out it was about the blonde, was that she didn't want to share it with anyone. She wondered about Piper's song too, about when she had written it...long before the shit had hit the fan, most likely, when they were living blissful denial.

She hadn't had a complete day off in six months so she had no idea how to fill up the time (without giving into the urge of texting Piper to see how she was doing). Nicky, on the other hand decided to sleep in ("How's that different from any other day, dude?" Alex asked) and the three of them went for lunch around one at a little cafe a few blocks down from the hotel.

"Chapman's brother seems nice," Nicky remarked, biting into her burger. "And I don't think anyone's nice."

"He is," Alex acknowledged. "Not hard to see why they're close." She ran her fork through her salad, spearing pieces of romaine and spinach that she failed to bring to her mouth.

"Somethin's botherin' you," Poussey said. "She's gonna be OK, still, right? The tests they ran came out normal?"

Alex knew how profoundly her mother's death when she was twelve had affected the drummer and coupled with her natural instinct to nurture, she was automatically concerned when one of them was sick.

She quickly assuaged her friend's fears with a shake of her head. "No, no...she's good. As long as she takes it easy, anyway."

"Then what is it, man? Cuz P's right. Something is driving you crazy right now." Nicky suddenly hit the table top with her open palm, causing both Poussey and Alex to jump." I know what it is...Chapman's gonna marry drippy Larry in three days and you're feeling like complete shit, right? I mean, I know I would if..."

"Thanks Nick. Not only did I almost piss my fucking pants when you slammed your hand into the table, but you somehow also managed to make me feel even worse about the whole situation than I already did."

"What can I say?" She shrugged with a shit eating grin, "It's a talent."

"Anyway," Poussey. pointedly ignored her, "What are you gonna do, since we were all invited to the wedding?"

Alex laughed. "Pretty sure my invitation's been rescinded. Sleeping with the bride doesn't exactly endear you to the groom." Pausing, she took a small sip of water. "You guys going?"

"Yeah," Nicky smirked, "cuz being around a bunch of rich assholes at a stuffy ass daytime wedding at The Plaza, watching the chick my best friend loves marry a guy who makes watching fucking paint dry exciting, is _definitely_ what I wanna do." She made a face. "No thanks."

"Girl, you the pot callin' the kettle black," Poussey shook her head, "You were a rich asshole."

"Yeah, I know. Which is exactly why I'd rather jump off the gooddamn Brooklyn Bridge than spend five minutes with those pricks."

"I'd feel weird goin'", Poussey admitted, stealing an abandoned french fry off of Nicky's plate (if it were anyone else, Alex would've have been sickened by all the cuteness; the food sharing, their elbows touching as they sat, the affectionate little glances they kept exchanging like they had been a couple for years, which Alex supposed they had, just not officially). "Knowing that she's marryin' a guy she don't love."

"Cal told me I should try to stop it, " She confessed, looking to gauge their reactions. "Because Piper's in love with me."

"Cal knows?"

"What are you gonna do?"

"Yes, he knows and I don't know," Alex replied to both of them, knowing they wanted answers but she had no concrete ones to give. "Maybe it's better she marries him. It's the only way I'm going to be able to move on, you know? It's final."

"You can tell yourself that till you're blue in the face man, but even if Chapman marries him, you won't be able to move on. Not while you're still in love with her, believe me, "Nicky implored her.

"You did. And you're happy.

"Yeah and look how long it took for me. It's not the same situation and you said it yourself."

"Can we please change the subject?" Suddenly she didn't want to talk about Piper anymore.. Her body and mind were exhauated and she needed a break.

For the rest of the afternoon, her friends oblidged her wishes and they managed to pleasantly fill the next several hours with a movie, some shopping, and coffee. By the time Alex returned to her room, it was nearly six so she ordered room service and settled in, eating her sandwich in bed.

A thought occured to her and she decided to text Piper to see how she was doing (purely as a professional courtesy, she assured herself). Lowering the TV volume with the remote, she grabbed her phone, fingers flying deftly as she typed.

 _Hey. How are you feeling?_ It felt uncomfortably formal and she cringed, feeling her phone buzz as she got an immediate response.

 _Hi. Much better, thanks. Cal just left. We did nothing all day but watch bad movies and play Monopoly. I napped and ate some soup. Drinking tons of fluids too. Proud of me?_

 _Very. Glad you're resting. Get some more sleep and I'll see you tomorrow. Bus leaves at nine._

 _Sounds good. See you then._

 _Good night, Piper._

 _Night._

Tossing her phone beside her on the bed, she groaned. The temptation to physically make sure Piper was actually resting and not just saying what she wanted to hear was so overwhelming that she had to blast Nine Inch Nails on her Ipod just to drown it out. But it wasn't loud enough to block out the realization that she had become just as adept at pretending as Piper was. The thought soured her relative peaceful state until there was nothing to do to escape it but go to sleep.

 _Two days._ The thought walloped her while she was still on the fuzzy, unconscious edges of sleep, unsettling her immediately, her eyes popping open. It was a shit way to wake up and almost instantly, she found the edges of grumpiness threatening to settle into her bones. Determined to shake it, she showered and dressed in record time and jumped into the elevator to grab a coffee big enough to restore her back to a human again.

Catching a glimpse of herself in the mirror as she paid for her coffee, Alex wondered when it was she had begun to look like shit too. The bags under her eyes gave the impression that she hadn't slept in weeks and her skin was blotchy and uneven. It was no wonder why she had avoided mirrors and she made a mental note to hit the Lancome counter at Macy's for some new moisturizer once they got to New York.

"Hey," Nicky greeted from the rear once she got on the bus, "Come sit."

Alex waved to Red who was on the phone and moved to the back, doing a quick, inconspicuous glance up and down aisles for Piper.

"You're here before me?" She raised her eyebrow incredulously toward her friend. "What's up with that?"

"That's all my little alarm clock," The bassist laughed, planting a kiss on Poussey's cheek. "She's a punctual one."

Poussey blushed but she was smiling. "Someone's gotta be."

"Anyway..." Alex glanced around casually. "You guys know where-"

"Chapman's not here yet." Nicky announced loudly, causing Alex to shush her.

At that moment, Piper appeared and to Alex's complete and utter relief, she looked well rested and her skin had returned to its normal color.

"Hey," She said, noticing Alex. "Uh, good morning."

"Morning," Alex managed to mumble, wondering if it would ever not be awkward between them. "You look good."

"Thanks. I feel good. Better, I mean." She flushed slightly. "Hey guys," she waved to Nicky and Poussey. "I'm going to go sit. I'll catch you guys later."

They watched her walk to the middle of the bus, Nicky shaking her head.

"What?" Alex asked her lowly, clearly annoyed.

"Nothing, man. Just wondering if you guys could act anymore like complete fucking strangers. And seriously, dude...wake up on the wrong side of the bed much?"

Instead of answering, she flipped her off and putting on her earbuds, slunk down into the seat across from Poussey.

In one hour, they would be in New York and in spite of what that would mean for her personally, she would be in her own apartment, surrounded by her own things, in her beloved city. And Alex would be able to breath again, something she hadn't been able to do properly since Piper had come into her life.

The thought carried her through the trip and before she knew it, they'd arrived, dropping Piper off to The Plaza where she was staying and Nicky, Alex, and Poussey to their neighborhoods in the lower east side and Brooklyn, respectively.

The second Alex stepped foot into her rambling, walk-up, the familiar smell hitting her nostrils, she closed her eyes, the feeling of _home_ overtaking her. She practically ran the four flights up before reaching her door and turning the key in the lock.

She felt happy tears well up in the corner of her eyelids because she was home and everything looked exactly the same as six months prior. Her books and her art and her beloved terrace; it all was comforting and familiar and it eased her mind to see that even though so much in her life had changed while she was gone, her own space, with its high ceilings and natural light was exactly the same. As a kid, she and Diane had moved in and out of apartments and trailer parks and nowhere they had lived had ever felt like she belonged. She had been in her brownstone for nearly eight years and it was the closest to a real home as she had ever felt.

Depositing her suitcase on the couch, Alex walked into her bedroom, not bothering to turn on the light before lying down on the midnight blue duvet, sighing as her head hit the pillow (hotel pillows could never hold a candle to her own). In that moment, she could sink into her own bed, in her own apartment, and forget about Piper, forget that Larry would be in New York and that she would be forced to let go of Piper and of any stupid hope she was hanging on to.

Around one that afternoon, they met for a brief rehearsal. Alex made sure they only ran the set through once, not stopping them for small errors but pointing them out at the end as things to be aware of. She didn't want to push a still fragile Piper who looked a million times better and sounded amazing but still lacked the fire in her eyes she usually carried.

"Great job, ladies. Call is at 6:00 tonight, OK?" They were playing The Beacon Theatre, one of Alex's favorite venues and she tried to ride the feeling of excitement, letting it wash away her other thoughts.

"Meet up for dinner at Fairway?" Nicky questioned, naming the large grocery store with a cafe across the street from The Beacon.

"Yeah, sounds good."

"Chapman...you're invited too," The bassist tossed out over her shoulder. It was a start, Alex supposed, grateful her friend was making an effort.

"Thanks but Larry's getting in on the five o'clock train. We're going to grab something quick before call time." Her voice sounded odd and Alex realized she was nervous mentioning his name in front of her.

"He comin' to the show?" Poussey asked casually, not looking up from restoring the rehearsal room to what it had been before.

"Yes, he's coming and we're going for a late dinner with his parents. They live on the Upper West Side." She didn't look too thrilled at the prospect and Alex briefly felt sorry for her before remembering all of it was of her own choosing.

They all pitched in to finish tidying up before getting ready to go their separate ways; Nicky and Poussey to Nicky's apartment (she wouldn't think about the details) and she on a whim to Prospect Park. It was an unusually warm day for mid- September and she was determined to soak up the last of the summer like sunshine.

"Can we talk?" Piper had waited for their bandmates to leave before approaching her, pushing strands of flyaways from her ponytail over her ears, a gesture that indicated to the orher woman that she was nervous.

"Uh, yeah. Do you wanna go to the park? It's beautiful out."

"Sure. Let me grab my bag."

"I just have to lock up. Its only like a five minute walk from here." She hoped her voice didn't betray the fact Piper's request had taken her aback and she tried to prevent herself from going overboard with the possibilities of what she could possibly want to have a conversation about.

Alex locked up the studio and they headed out of the building, the sidewalks spilling with people who had the same idea as she did; enjoying the temperate weather. They walked at a leisurely pace, not speaking, before Piper broke the silence.

"Didn't you say you lived around here?"

"Three blocks away."

"Nice neighborhood."

"It is," she agreed, putting her hands in the pockets of her jeans as they strolled. "I'm comfortable here. It's funny-I've been in New York for seventeen years and it feels more like home than Northampton ever did...with the exception of my mom not being here." Alex smiled. "I'm always trying to get her to move but she won't hear it."

She recognized that Piper's attempt at small talk was simply a guise to avoid speaking to her about what she really wanted to, so when they arrived at the park, she led them over to a bench away from other people and sat down, stretching out her legs and crossing her ankles.

"So," Alex looked at her, "What did you want to talk about?"

It crossed her mind that unless it had to do with music or the band or anything else that was completely impersonal, she probably wasn't ready to hear it. Her wound was still wide open and without space, it wouldn't close.

The blonde cast her gaze out on a tall tree in the distance, her eyes completely unreadable from behind her sunglasses. "I'm getting married in two days."

"Piper-"

"Please, just hear me out, OK? I'm getting married in two days. We have a rehearsal dinner and Polly and Pete will be here and my wedding dress is hanging on the closet door back at the hotel, staring me in the face..." She inhaled shakily. "And I'm so fucking scared. Not like normal wedding jitters, either...like really fucking terrified."

"Why?" She didn't want to be baited into asking. She _knew_ why and her throat tightened, threatening to close. This was the last thing she wanted to get into.

"Because I think I'm making a big mistake. I already made a big mistake," Piper corrected. "The night I let you go, Alex. God, I was so fucking stupid."

"You were scared. You're still scared."

"I hurt you and for what? To lie to myself? I've been lying to myself my entire life." She wiped her eyes behind her glasses. "The second the words left my mouth, I realized it."

"But you made a choice, Piper. You picked him. Whether it was because he's safe and you're scared or whatever else. That's what you decided." Alex clenched her fists, holding in her anger and her tears and holding on to her resolve.

"But it was the wrong choice, Al." She removed her sunglasses, crying openly, her blue eyes bright. "Don't you get it? I made the wrong goddamn choice."

Her mother's words echoed in her ears. Cal's words echoed in her ears. How easy it would be to tell Piper she was still very much in love with her, to beg her not to go through with marrying Larry, to take her in her arms, to dry her tears. A part of her wanted nothing more than to claim the woman she loved, the woman sitting next to her who was opening a very big window of opportunity.

"Pipes," She shook her head. "We can't. _I_ can't. My life, my whole life, I've had to fight for everything...nothing's ever come easy. But loving you, that was easy. It's the rest of it that's hard. God, don't you think if I really thought, for one second, that you meant what you said, I'd tell everyone to go to hell?"

"I do mean it. This isn't some stupid whim, OK? I was too damn afraid to do what felt right so I did what I thought made sense instead. I don't think I can do it...I don't know if I can marry him. Not knowing how I feel..." She let out a noise that was somewhere between a sob and a laugh. "You must think I'm this flake who can't make up her mind."

"No," Alex replied gently (and alot more calmly than she felt). "That isn't what I think. I think you know what it is you want, Piper. With your life, with your career...with who you want to be with...the problem is, you don't trust yourself yet. You've been pressured to do what everyone else wanted you to do and you can't feel free to be the person who you want to be." She took her hand in hers, marveling at the perfect way their hands fit, in spite of eveything. "The thing is, I can't keep hoping you'll trust your instincts enough to make a definite choice. I can't. I won't. I love you and I probably always will but I'm not going to fight for us if you won't fight for yourself."

The last piece of the wound split wide open and for a minute, Alex thought as she watched Piper cry, that her heart would split in two as well.

"If there comes a time, Piper, when you can tell me with a hundred percent certainty that you know exactly what you want, I'm here. Until then...I need space. Please. I'll see you tonight."

With that, she walked away, her focus foward.

 _Nothing but forward now._


	30. Chapter 30

She would allow herself to grieve for her. She would allow herself to cry and rage and hate herself (and even Piper a little) and listen to angry, scornful punk rock and she would give into the pain, which was so intense it was almost visceral.

She remembered the first time she cried in her mother's arms. She had been in rehab for a month and attending consueling sessions as part of the recovery process when her therapist Joan, had invited her mother to come in for their session the weekend she was visiting. Alex had been against the idea, not thinking Diane needed to know the details of the shit she had been trying to work through but Joan thought it would be good for her to share some of the burden, given she and Diane were so close. And she had ended up telling her mother for the first time about finding Lee Burley, what a complete and utter disappointment he had been, how she wished she had listened to her, how meeting him had sent her headfirst into the downward spiral that had landed her in rehab in the first place. There had been tears and apologies and they had ended the session with Alex sobbing in Diane's embrace, feeling very undeserving of her love and completely heart broken. When she told her as much, her mother smiled, smoothing hair back from her face as if she were a very small child.

"Oh, honey...sometimes you have to let your heart just break wide open because that's what hearts do. They break and they mend and so will yours. I promise."

Her mother's words had stuck with her and she knew she had to embrace the pain this time instead of masking it. It was agony but there was no doubt in her mind that she had made the right decision.

Heading to the train, her show bag slung over her shoulder, she thought after they finished laying down the album she would take a vacation. There was time between recording and the next tour and she decided to maybe take advatage of it; go somewhere to clear her head. It had been years since she'd gone away and to escape from the chaos of everything was extremely appealing.

"It's Chapman you escapin' from," Poussey said when she mentioned the idea during their pre-show dinner. "Not that I blame you."

"That's definitely part of it," She admitted, as they waited for Nicky to return from the bathroom. "It's not like this is a typical break-up...I still have to see her all the time. Can I even really call it a break-up? Since we weren't even dating?"

"Yeah, man," Her friend nodded. "You loved her and you guys were together, even if it wasn't in a traditional sense. You were still in a relationship."

Alex considered this and she supposed the drummer (who had always been the wisest of the three of them) was right. With a sigh, she pushed her plate back. "I just wanna focus on moving on, you know? On the new album, on my life. I"ve spent so much time and energy being caught up in Piper and Larry and the garbage in my own head...I need-"

"A vacation?" She supplied. "If anyone deserves one this year, it's you, boss. You work hard."

"Exactly. Too hard. Maybe I'll go to Tahiti. Or Belize...somewhere where I can just lie on a fucking beach all day with a beer in my hand and forget about all the sad shit that's been going on."

"Where we going?" Nicky swooped an arm around her from behind, grinning. "I heard beach and I heard beer. I'm in."

"Vause is gonna run away," Poussey relied, returning Nicky's smile with an even larger one of her own. "Alone."

"Yeah? Who the fuck can blame her with everything she's had to deal with. Seriously, it's been a shitty year." She picked up Poussey's hand and kissed it. "With obvious exceptions."

"Anyway," The guitarist glanced around the crowded cafe, "On Saturday, it's all over...Piper's married and I can try to move on. That's what I told her today. We talked. She basically admitted she had made a mistake."

"Shit," Nicky shook her head. "She just fuckin' realized that? The whole sham of a wedding is a mistake."

"Wasn't that the sign you needed?" Poussey cut in, her eyes widening with excitement. "I know lots of crazy shit when down but bottom line is, man, she loves you."

"Love isn't enough, P," Alex responded quietly. "She told me she made a mistake but never once did she say she wanted to be with me. That's what I was waiting for. She didn't say it because she's not sure, not completely."

"Don't listen to this one," The bassist rolled her eyes, while affectionately touching Poussey's shoulder. "She thinks everyone should be in love because she is."

"So? There ain't nothin' wrong with people being happy. Better than the rest of the horrible shit that's happening in the world."

"We have ten minutes till call, guys, " She reminded them, eager to change the subject. "Let's finish up, OK?"

"You wanna know what I think?" Nicky propped her chin up on her hand. "I'm just gonna anticpate that you'll say no, so I'll tell you anyway.." she leaned in, "All I want is for you to be happy. I can speak for P too when I say that. And what Piper did was shitty, to say the least, but I dunno, man, if she's willing to come right out and say she fucked up...maybe you guys can make it work. Provided she gets her head out of her ass, obviously."

"Nicky," Alex blinked rapidly, "Do you not recall like two days ago, when you told her to stay the fuck away from me and kicked her out of the band?"

"Oh I meant it. At the time. You were right, I was really fucking angry that you used again...I was looking for someone to blame. But I had time to think about it and I'm still pissed, don't get me wrong, but I also have fucking eyes and I can see she loves you. I mean, I _b_ _elieve_ that she does."

"Apparently I'm either living in some parallel universe or you're going soft on me, Nichols," She quipped. "Because I thought you of all people, would get it."

"I do, man. You have good fucking reasons for moving on. All I'm saying is that if Chapman wants to be with you...life's too short, ya know?"

"I don't even know you right now, dude," Alex stood up, gathering her tray. "C'mon, We've got a show to do."

As thrilled as she was to be playing The Beacon, to be playing in her home city, as she applied her make-up, her eyes reflected back at her, devoid of their ususal sheen of confidence, Alex still felt frazzled. After the initial diaster of that first night, she had (remembering the promise she had made to Diane) to be gentle with herself, to give herself the space she needed to repair her fractured heart. But in spite of that, her nerves were raw and it took everything in her to steady herself, to regulate her breath, to focus on what they were doing. Her friends were quiet, getting ready without much conversation, sensing her tension, and for that small grace, she was grateful.

Piper entered wordlessly, Alex seeing her form in the mirror and she gave them all a slight wave as she sat at the make-up mirror next to Alex's.

"Hey," She said tentatively. Ignoring the other woman wasn't really a valid option, not when there was a show to get through. "You OK?"

"I'm OK. I ate and I'm drinking water...trying to take care of myself," She replied flatly. "How are you?"

She shrugged, watching past the make-up station as Nicky and Poussey laughed softly over a secret they were not in on, Poussey's fingers curled around the bassist's wrist, gently possessive. "I'm still breathing. Ready for the show?"

"As I'll ever be, I guess. Larry's here." She fidgeted with the top of her lipstick, turning it over and over in the palm of her hand. "He's staying for the concert."

The dark haired woman turned toward her, green orbs clear. "Is that a warning?"

"No," Piper returned carefully, "Just a heads up. He's still pretty upset about us but he knows this band's a huge part of my life."

"It was bound to happen...I mean, if you're going to marry him, I'm going to obviously run into him from time to time so I better get used to it."

Larry was a pussy and nothing he said or did would intimidate her but that didn't mean she wanted him around either, watching her every move. She especially had no need to see him being possessive of Piper in any way just because he didn't trust her. After being a victim of abuse, the very last thing Alex wanted to witness was anyone playing mind games with the blonde. That would be more than enough reason to step in and kick his scrawny ass.

"I guess. It's just weird, that's all."

She went back to applying mascara silently but there was a sadness in her movement, a resignation that Alex recognized and she wanted to put her hand atop Piper's and ask her to look at her, even though it was her ocean eyes that had begun all the trouble in the first place.

 _You don't have to do this,_ Alex wanted to say, _You don't have to marry someone you clearly don't love. If you can't be with me, if it's too much right now, I can accept it...I'm starting to, anyway. But please, Pipes...don't fucking do this. It's a mistake, you said so yourself._

Remaining silent, watching in her peripheral vision as Piper deliberately applied liner, her hand shaking just enough for Alex to notice, a realization hit her. The other woman was terrified of being alone. So terrified, in fact , she was willing to live in a lie in order to prevent it.

The thought made her bereft and fleetingly (breaking her self-imposed rule of complete focus before a concert), she allowed herself to consider the what-if's; what if she had met a young Piper while she was in school and she had been visting Diane for the weekend...at a party (she'd been invited to more than a few Smith parties, despite never having gone there) or at a bar and they'd gotten together and it was more than a hook-up and Piper stayed. What if she'd never left Northampton in the first place and she had brought Piper back to her tiny apartment...and Piper stayed. What if the blonde was never broken at all by the shit that had happened because it never had and Alex could've kept her safe and the possibilities turned over and over again in her head, making her curse their terrible timing. Because while she still wasn't entirely sure she believed in fate, there was no other reasonable explanation for Piper coming into her life when she did.

There was no use in contemplating different circumstances and she knew it. Even if their paths had intertwined earlier, there were no guarantees that Piper would've had the courage to be with her or that they would have ended up together. Still, Alex couldn't help but mourn what might have been. So she kept silent as they both finished doing their make-up and silent still as they dressed. It was a lonely kind of quiet that was between them and even the friendly banter Poussey and Nicky decided to try and lighten the heavy mood with, could not fill it.

The show was excellent, bordering on near perfection, with all of them putting in their top efforts and being rewarded by endless cheers and screams from the audience. Piper especially, got a huge response when she began to sing and after the first song ended, they waited for a good two minutes before the crowd had settled down enough for them to pick up again. Alex suspected more than a few fans from the cancelled Stamford show had hopped on Metro North to attend this one and not for the first time, she was extremely grateful they were finally getting somewhere, that they _had_ fans.

Piper was in it. She was as present, as connected, as open as she ever. Her voice soared and leaped and hit right where it was supposed to and Alex was proud and sad and broken all over again because she was right there. She could physically reach out and touch her but she was a million miles away. Their eyes connected intermittently and they even shared a few accidental smiles but Piper may as well have been on a different planet.

She knew it was her own fault. She had severed the ties between them, had broken their connection (for nesscary purposes) and it would never be the same. Not for awhile anyway...not until they had created space, which would be easier said then done until the album dropped.

Still, she pushed on, remembering Diane's words, and letting her heart break open, right on the stage, she allowed herself to grieve...to miss Piper while she was still standing there. She pushed on through the pain, playing hard to bring herself back into the present moment, to focus on the heat of the lights, the sweat on her forehead, the energy of the crowd, the tangibles that she could grasp.

The concert finally ended and as they left the stage, Alex stepped along side Piper as they walked back to the dressing room.

"You sounded great out there," She kept her tone light. "They loved you."

"Thanks," Piper replied, trying to match Alex's levity but as she spoke, her jaw tightened ever so slightly. "I was kind of afraid that I'd hold back, knowing Larry's out there, considering everything that happened..."

"Well, you did good," She complimented without looking at her. "See you for a quick pick-up tomorrow at 2?"

The singer flushed. "Actually, we're having the rehearsal luncheon then...since we can't really do a dinner because of the concert. Can we do it earlier?"

"Nick doesn't do well with mornings," Alex reminded her, the ghost of a smile on her face. "Forget it. It's not a big deal "

"Forget a rehearsal?" Piper looked at her like she was certifiable. "Since when?"

"It wasn't scheduled or anything," She said with a shrug, pushing her glasses back up on the bridge of her nose. "You have plans. I haven't run it by anyone else yet anyway."

"Great. See you tomorrow then. Call is at five, right?" Without waiting for a response, she walked past her into the dressing room.

"Yes," She said under her breath, slightly chagrined. "Call is at five." She walked into the room a few steps after her only to be intercepted by Nicky who clapped her on the back.

"Fucking good show tonight, right? Hey, you OK? You gotta weird look on your face."

Realizing she had zoned out, Alex quickly shook her head and focused on her friend. "Yeah, man, I'm good. Where are we going tonight? Cubbyhole? It may be kinda crowded though.. "

Nicky exchanged an incredulous look with Poussey who had changed into street clothes in record time. "You wanna go out tonight?"

"It's band night, isn't it?" Alex unzipped her concert dress, letting fall unceremoniously to the floor. She slipped on a pair of leather pants and pulled a fitted black tank top over her head, sitting down at the make-up mirror to take bobby pins out of her hair.

"Uh, yeah...we're just kinda surprised is all," The drummer swiftly covered. "You haven't been wantin' to go out lately...with good reason, so-"

"The world hasn't stopped just because I'm a mess," Alex snuck a glance at Piper who was in a corner zipping up her boots and. trying very obviously not to listen to their conversation. "We kicked ass out there...I think we should celebrate, don't you guys?"

"Dressed like that?" Nicky eyed her outfit. " I mean, don't get me wrong, you look incredibly hot but unless you're planning on picking up a girl...that's probably not the outfit to wear to Cubbyhole."

She shrugged. "I'm not planning on anything, Nick. You know me."

Her nonchalance was not strictly for Piper's benefit but for her own as well. If she felt like the old Alex, perhaps it help ease her into truly feeling as if she was moving on.

"I'm down, dude. If P is." The bassist grinned at the other woman who nodded, putting her arm around her.

"Haven't been to Cubbyhole is fuckin' forever. Let's do it." Poussey declared, picking up her bag from a chair. "We gotta sneak out though or Nick's gonna be here for three more hours signin' autographs and shit."

"Listen, can I help it if people love me?" She threw up her hands in mock exasperation, "Like can you help that you love me?"

"If I could help that, man, do you think I woulda waited for your ass for so long?"

"You got a point," Nicky acknowledged, buttoning up her jeans. "C'mon...Drinks're on me tonight."

"In that case, girl...you may hafta carry me home," The other woman planted a wayward kiss on her lips.

"Mhmm, I plan on it," Nicky returned her kiss and for a minute they were lost in one another until Alex cleared her throat.

"Alright, let's grab a cab," She rolled her eyes at their PDA but she couldn't help the smile that tugged the corners of her lips. Nicky's happiness had been a long time coming and Poussey's calm nature was the perfect compliment to her tendency to speak and act without much of a filter. As much as her own happy ending apparently eluded her, Alex was grateful that her best friend finally seemed back on track. "On second thought, I'm gonna meet you there. I want to take some of this shit home first."

"Alright, dude, text me when you get there," Her friend replied, motioning to Poussey to follow. "Peace out, Chapman," she turned to say good-bye to their bandmate. "She left," Nicky shrugged. "Guess she slipped out when we were talking."

"She's going to dinner with Larry's parents. They live here," Alex explained. There was no good reason why Piper's sudden absence bothered her; it wasn't as if she had expected her to stick around to listen to them making plans which obviously didn't include her. And she could tell Piper and herself until she had said it a million times, that they had to present a united front, but the truth of the matter was, the instant they had crossed that line, things had changed. Rifts were created and sides were taken and though they could work relentlessly to keep their on stage chemistry in tact, they were far from a united front presently.

"That sounds like pure fuckin' torture," Nicky slung her huge tote over her shoulder. "See you soon,"

Her friends left but instead of rushing to gather her things, she moved slowly throughout the room in a dream like state.

 _One more show, then it's over._ It meant she would not pnly be able to create physical distance between herself and the singer, but it would be easier to forget the little (but vital) details which still clung. Piper would be Larry's wife. Piper would be her bandmate and not the love of her life. And as much as she told her that it wouldn't happen, maybe, just maybe, with enough time passing, they could build a tentative friendship back up.

Finally she could make no more excuses to linger and picking up her packed bag, the guitarist switched off the light and headed down the long hallway to the stage door.

"Good night," She said to John, the doorman. "I'll see you tomorrow."

"There's someone waiting for you out there," John informed her, running a hand through his unruly black curls. "A guy. I'll go out there with you, of course," He reassured her. "The security guy who was in charge of the stage door left already."

"It's fine." The last thing she felt like doing was dealing with an overzealous fan who probably waited forty five minutes in the drizzling rain to ask her out or something equally stupid (as the majority of their male fans tended to do while she not so patiently explained that she wasn't into guys and silently wondered why they hadn't bothered to do their research.).

Grumbling softly, she stepped outside the door to see a man standing alone, under a black umbrella, John behind her.

Slowly the umbrella lifted and when she saw who it was, her heartbeat pounded in her ears.

"Alex."

"It's OK," She turned to John. "This is Piper's fiance. We'll go back inside. Thanks."

"Just give a a shout when you're done so I can lock up."

She stepped in the doorframe, watching as he disappeared into his office. "I'm guessing you want to talk."

He nodded slowly as they walked back to the dressing room and Alex flicked on the lights. "Piper doesn't know I'm here. She's already at the restaurant with my parents. I told her I had to take care of something.

 _Hell of a way to start a_ marriage, the dark haired woman thought, settling herself on the sofa. "Why are you here, Larry?"

"I'm marrying Piper on Saturday. In spite of you trying to come between us, we're still getting married. My parents will be there and her brother and our friends..." He paced nervously, loosening the silk tie around his neck.

"I know."

"No. You think you know her, but you don't. You couldn't possibly. I've been with her for eight years. Eight. Through every insecurity and the fights with her family...you've known her for what, three months?"

"Great. So you know her and I don't. You win, case closed." She was poised to stand. "Are we done? Because I have somewhere to be."

"I get what the appeal is, you know? You're an attractive woman, Alex. I'm not blind. And you guys were together all the time and Pipe is impressionable. You flirted, showed her attention...she convinced herself she'd fallen for you. But this is it, OK?" His eyes darkened. "This is where it ends. You do not get to manipulate her anymore...you do not get to play your little cat and mouse, straight girl conquest game with her. It's over."

A rage rose up in the swell of her chest and she had to bite the inside of her lip hard to keep from leaping off the couch and punching him in his smug face. "Fuck off," she hissed through clenched teeth. "You are so fucking far off base, it isn't funny."

"Oh yeah? How so?"

"First off, Piper's always liked girls and if you didn't have your head stuck way up your ass, you would've realized that a long time ago. And more importantly, nobody manipulated anybody. It was a mutual thing. We didn t plan on it...in fact, I fought my feelings for a long time. If you knew anything at all about me, which you don't, you would know I don't make a habit out of trying to be with girls who are already taken. Whatever else you think about me, understand that, OK?"

"I don't give a shit. The point is, you slept with my fiance." Larry rooted his feet in front of her. "All the while, I thought you were looking out for her."

"I never stopped looking out for her. Not once. The fucking point is, Larry, we loved each other. I still do, if I'm being honest. I'm sorry that it all went down how it did, but not for loving her."

"I just need to be sure," His eyes changed ever so slightly and Alex could see the fear in them. "that you won't do something to disrupt the wedding. _That's_ why I'm here."

"And why the hell would I do that? She picked _you,_ Larry...she's choosing to marry _you._ " She deliberately omitted the fact Piper had admitted she had screwed up.

"I'm not stupid. Yes, she's going through with the wedding, but I know she's not over you. That's why I needed to talk to you. For you to promise you won't do anything...I can give her the life she deserves, Alex. You and I both know you can't."

"Go. Get out. You don't have to worry about me interrupting anything but now I need you to leave."

"We're clear then?" He turned on his heel to leave. "And if you could not mention to Piper I saw you..."

"Out. Now." Alex growled and Larry made a hurried exit.

Feeling all the color drain out of her face, she buried her head in her hands.

"What the almighty fuck was that all about?" She whispered aloud. It wasn't as if she didn't get where Larry was coming from. He was insecure, hell, Alex suspected he had been insecure almost the entirety of his relationship with Piper but to feel the need to warn her to stay away...it was almost as if he had to convince himself that she had somehow conned an innocent Piper into sleeping with her. She had run into hundreds of guys like him who felt they had something to prove as far as their manhood went and if the situatuon wasn't so screwed up, she might have laughed at the lengths he was going to.

As she shut off the lights for a second time and prepared to leave, Alex felt her gut twist of its own accord as she fixiated on one part of Larry's rant.

 _I could've given her the life she deserves. That's the saddest part of all of this...she wouldn't let me._

 _Author's Note: Gearing down to the final two chapters! I didn't think this fic would go on for as long as it did but here we are...on a personal note, I'm in a bit of a dark place in my life so I feel for Alex and really wanted to explore her pain. Thanks to all those who have hung in there!_

 _Just as a side note; snarky, unhelpful reviews are deleted. They serve no purpose other than to bring people down and since I soley write for me I feel I don't need the negativity! I have enough crap going on in real life! I definitely don't mind constructive helpful criticism but I'm not in a place to want to deal with being outright rude. Thanks for understanding as the majority of people here who've been reviewing have been positive and helpful! I appreciate you all!_

 _Jess_


	31. Chapter 31

As it turned out, hanging out in a bar when you felt like shit wasn't very fun at all and Alex regretted the decision the second she stepped through the door. She hadn't been to the tiny place (which was literally a hole in the wall) in eight months and it could have been her irritable state, but she had completely ceased to see the appeal. Once upon a time, the three of them (when she had gotten together with Morello, Nicky tended to stay away, using the reasoning it was easier to resist temptation by avoiding it all together) had hit up the place consistently a few times a week, leaving on almost every occasion with an attractive lady.

Steadily, she ignored the girls who tried to buy her drinks and when she attempted to join her friends on the crowded dance floor she quickly got tired of being elbowed and bumped and ended up slumped sulkily against the bar, nursing her third Bud of the night before she decided to leave.

"Hey, I'm heading home," She shouted over the music as soon as she had spotted her friends. Poussey was more than a little tipsy, hanging comically all over Nicky who seemed to be amused by the drummer's behavior.

"You sure, man?" Nicky boomed, grinning lopsidedly. "P's a pretty funny drunk."

"Yeah, I can see that." A dull ache was forming behind her eyes and she lightly massaged her temple. "I'm tired. I'll see you tomorrow."

"Bye, Al," Poussey waved crookedly, giggling as she nearly slipped from Nicky's grasp, "Love you, girl!"

"Text me when you guys make it back," The guitarist said into Nicky's ear and her friend gave her a thumbs up. It was not lost on Alex how ironic it was that Nicky was the one taking care of Poussey, instead of the other way around.

Months of being on the road had done a number on her ability to sleep when she was actually tired so it was really no surprise to Alex that she found herself unable to pass out when she fell into bed. So she grabbed a beer from the fridge and did she what she tended to do when insomnia (and her muse) decided to visit; she grabbed her guitar and a legal pad and headed out onto the terrace.

The September air was cool and quiet and as she looked out toward the clear night sky, taking in the stunning view of Williamsburg (which never ceased to enthrall her, even after living there for so many years), she strummed and scribbled furiously.

As she played, stopping only to write down lyrics, the tears she had been holding in for days spilled silently down her cheeks but she didn't stop, and it continued, playing and writing and the endless tears, the three cycling. By the time she was finished, her fingers were blistered and she wiped her damp face with the back of her hand and she didn't know if the song was shit or not but it was there, out in the universe, and her chest felt as if it had been cracked wide open.

Finally, putting her guitar back into its case she left the terrace, crawled into bed, and fell into a deep, dreamless sleep.

Alex managed to sleep until quarter to ten, a feet that she hadn't accomplished in a long time, showering and dressing quickly before heading down the block to her favorite bagel place. After she bought her breakfast, she walked to the park and it hit her...after tonight, the tour would be over. Six months of her life flashed before her eyes, and the memories hit hard. So much of the tour was amazing; getting to see parts of the country she hadn't been to, forging a closer bond with her bandmates (especially in the wake of Morello's departure), meeting and subsequently loving Piper. Though it hadn't ended how she had hoped, there was no way she she regretted that the blonde had joined the band. How could she, when Piper made them better, their sound richer and fuller and cohesive in ways Alex had tried to accomplish for years. No one could argue the woman was insanely gifted and they were lucky to have found her. Alex could look past her heartache enough to at least see that.

In the afternoon, Nicky came by (while Poussey had lunch with her two best friends) and they sat around eating Thai take-out from the containers and reminiscing about the beginnings of the tour.

"Lot of shit that happened," The curly haired woman mused, spearing a stray noodle with her fork (Alex liked to tease her about her total ineptness when it came to using chopsticks) before slurping it up. "It's been a crazy year."

"And it's not over yet," Alex reminded her, tucking her feet underneath her on the couch. "Three and a half more months to go, give or take..."

"Vause," Nicky stared at her, "You do realize you're sitting exactly like Chapman, right?"

It took a second for her words to sink in and when they did, she smiled. "Well, shit...I guess I am." The idea settled into the corner of her brain she reserved for the tiny Piper details, little quirks and idiosyncrasies that she had to file away, because if she allowed them to stay at the forefront, she would obsess.

Brushing off any conversation it might have started, she took a long sip of water. "Anyway, this year hasn't been all bad...can I just fucking tell you, you look great, Nick. Happiness suits you. And before you make fun of me, that's the only sappy ass shit I'm gonna say, I swear."

Nicky laughed and Alex could tell her compliment had pleased her "I am happy. Took me fuckin' long enough, didn't it? She's pretty great. Obviously," she said (the fact her New York accent thickened when she was excited had always made Alex grin) I knew this already but being her girlfriend...it's different." Stopping to examine her words, she nearly dropped the carton of noodles. "Motherfucker," she proclaimed loudly, turning toward Alex, "Did I just call her my girlfriend?"

Grinning, her friend nodded. "First time for everything, right? But if you fucking spill shit on my couch, dude..."

"I've had actual girlfriends before," Nicky defended herself, ignoring Alex's idle threat. "Like not long term or anything but P's...Poussey is Poussey, ya know?"

"I do," the guitarist acknowledged. "You know how I feel about her." She regarded her friend seriously. "Don't fuck it up, man. You and me...we tend to self-sabatoge, so...don't do that."

"Not planning on it. Trust me."

They were silent for a minute when Alex put her empty container on the coffee table and sprang up. "Hey, I wrote something last night, if you wanna hear it. I know you'll be honest with me if it blows."

It wasn't uncommon for one of them to write a song, present it to the other person and then together, they would either tweak it or scrap it and Nicky nodded. "Let's hear it."

She grabbed her guitar from the bedroom and brought it back, closing the french doors to the terrace before sitting back on the sofa.

She strummed softly, her gaze on her socked feet. "Tell me you turned down the man," she began huskily, "who asked for your hand cause' you were waiting for me. And I know you're gonna be away awhile, but I've got no plans at all to leave."

As she played, (not the least bit self conscious singing in front of Nicky, who teased her about her low, raspy tone but could barely carry a tune herself), Alex was able to contain the emotions that over taken her when she written it and focus simply on the honesty in the words and the way the chords reverated through her body, forcing her to be still.

"All my senses come to life as I'm stumbling home as drunk as I have ever been and I'll never leave again. Cause' you are the only one and all my friends have gone to find another place to let their hearts collide. And promise me you'll never leave, you are the only one..."

Lifting her head up, she leaned into the music, her voice pained but open, fingers flying across the stings," Take my hand and my heart and soul, I will only have eyes for you. And you know everything changes, but we'll be strangers if we see this through. You can stay within these walls and bleed or just stay with me."

She dipped into the chorus again and then again still and by the time she was finished, she was exhausted, as if she had run a marathon. There was no sense of carthasis or resolution and she wasn't entirely certain it even belonged on the album, but she had needed to get it out of her and onto paper and she knew Nicky would definitely give her an honest opinion.

Looking up, she placed her guitar gently on the sofa and shrugged. "That's it. Listen, Nick, if you hate it, you can say so...it's all good. I just kind of-"

"No, no, man," Nicky's eyes grew larger, "No..it's fucking amazing. And you know I'm not just saying it. It's...beautiful, Vause. But-,"she hesitated, trying to gauge her friend's reaction.

"You can say it. But what?"

"Is Chapman gonna sing that in concert? Cuz obviously it's about her. About you and her."

"I don't know. I don't even know if it's right for the album. I mostly wrote it for me...it just came to me. I guess if we went ahead and laid the track down, I'd sing it."

The song was probably the most intensely personal she'd penned, even more so than the one she wrote for Diane (which had touched upon the diaster of finding her father). There wasn't enough distance between them yet where Piper could hear it, but someday there could be.

"Is that how you feel? How you still feel, I mean?'"

"It's what happened, honestly," She sucked in a breath "She was it for me, Nicky, and it didn't work. That's what's the last verse is about."

"Well," the bassist shook her head, "It's gotta go on the album, dude. It's too good not to. Whatever Piper thinks."

Closing her eyes, she moved her guitar and lay down, resting her head on the throw pillow. "Last show tonight, Nick. We did it. We made it."

"We sure fuckin' did. And we'll have our big, insane party to celebrate."

The tour wrap party would be at The Foundry and Alex knew her friends had been looking foward to it for weeks as a celebration of their accomplishments and months of hard work. She had been excited when they had booked it, way back when she was crazily, deeply wrapped up in the all consuming love she had for Piper and she could live safely in denial, even going as far to think she would be dancing with her at the party. Now the idea of putting on a smile for the benefit of strangers (Red had invited some of her connections), was completely disheartening.

"I just wanna get through tonight and get all my shit together and take off for like, two weeks. That's it, that's all I need. Then we can finish writing and get into the studio before Christmas." What she didn't mention that it would be two full months away from Piper, two months where the absence would put things into perspective and she could come back and soley focus on the music.

"Whatever you need, man..I'm here. Like herpes. You can never, ever get rid of me," Her friend groaned as Alex tossed a pillow at her head.

"That's charming," The guitarist replied dryly. "I can totally see why P's so into you."

"Right?" Nicky ran a hand through her unruly mane. "Alright, Vause," she stretched, yawning loudly. "I'm gonna bail. See you in like...shit, two hours? I told Poussey we'd hang out before the show."

"Go," Alex waved her off, "I'll see you later. Oh and Nick? Thanks."

"For what?"

"For listening...for calling me on my bullshit. Everything, really. I know I've been a total fucking mess lately and-"

"Forget it, man," Nicky interjected, standing. "May I remind you again of all the times you've personally saved my ass? Picked me right up off the ground and told me to get my shit together but never once judged me? Guess what, Vause...just returning the favor."

She enveloped the guitarist in a brief, tight hug. "See you at five. Relax," she ordered, pointing her finger as she left the brownstone.

Relaxing was easier said than done and after she'd tried reading and watching a movie, only an hour had passed before she gave up on the idea and jumped on the L train with her big bag of concert things and transferred at 14th st to the A to head uptown.

She stopped at Fairway to buy a salad and walked across the street, expertly manuerving through crowds on the sidewalks. When she had first moved to New York, she was only eighteen and the first few months had been unbearably lonely. There was a strange disconnect with people and the fact she could be walking on the street with literally hundreds of people but no one had any connection to one another; everyone lived in separate worlds, separate spaces and though she often thrived on being alone, she found she had immense trouble coping with the utter sense of isolation she felt.

As she became older, she grew to appreciate the anonymity of living in the city, the knowledge that whatever her problelms were, she could walk outside and disappear into the crowd. It was freeing to be able to blend in now, to spill out onto the sidewalks and become swept up into a mob of people. Oddly, it made her feel less alone and more a piece of the intricate animal that was New York City.

No one else was there when she arrived at the theater but she wasn't suprised, having grown accustomed to Piper's absence (the notion still sent a brief lightening bolt of pain into the center of her chest) and she welcomed the silence, seeing it as an opportunity to take in her surroundings, to focus on making their last show the very best possible and to shut out all the other shit that was weighing heavily on her mind.

It wasn't long before everyone came for sound check and the room was bursting with noise, the excitement palpable. Wrapping up their first national tour was no small feat and in spite of her own troubles, Alex was extremely proud of them, of their ability to persevere in the bleakest of circumstances. It was only up from there.

Piper was her usual quiet self but she looked healthy (albeit a little morose) and it relieved the other woman to see she had gained a little weight over the past few days. She had her guitar in tow and sat in a corner after she had quickly dressed and strummed softly on it. A few times, they made eye contact and Alex was able to give her a small smile.

She wondered when it would click; that one moment where blue eyes would no longer bore into hers and she could look at Piper again without feeling as if there was an enormous weight on her chest, the day where she would wake up and not be reminded of what could have been and when she would stop wishing that her resolve was weaker and that Piper's were stronger and that she hadn't fallen in love with someone who could never fully love her back.

Dressing quickly, she made idle talk with her bandmates, if only to shut up the thoughts in her own head, laughing as Nick recounted early band tales, some which Poussey had never heard. And she smiled as the drummer rose and went to where Piper was sitting, bending down and speaking lowly to her and then helping her up and pulling her into their fold. She watched Nicky briefly stiffen (if she thought it would take a long while for herself to fully trust Piper again, it was nothing in comparison to how difficult re gaining Nicky's would be) and seconds later, relax as Poussey sensed her trepidation and put a hand on her shoulder, fingers just grazing the bone. For better or for worse, they were a band and the singer was an intergral part of it. They wouldn't be as good, as solid, without her, and that was a fact no one could dispute.

It was Red who brought the champagne this time, opening the cork herself with a resounding pop while Alex handed out cups.

"To you girls," She tipped her own cup toward them. "Many times on this tour, I wanted to strangle you but we got through and we turned a profit too. It's been a success." Red turned to Alex. "Vause, anything you want to say?"

"Yeah. Uh, you guys know how fucking proud I am. From where we started till now. We made it. After everything that's happened, we're here. And as much as I ride everyone's asses, you guys are hard workers and you give all you've got. So thank you. That's it." She was not an eloquent speech giver, not by a long shot, but her words held true.

"Thank _you,_ man," Poussey toasted, eyes twinkling. "You're our leader...even when the shit hit the fuckin' fan, you made sure we got right back up."

"Right," Nicky chimed in. "You ride our asses, alright, but it's for us. Everything you do, it's for us and we know it. Everything you've sacrificed...it doesn't go unappreciated, dude." The bassist glanced toward Piper who cleared her throat.

"I just want to say thank you," Piper added quietly, eyes wet. "To you, Red, for taking a chance on me, to Poussey for always making me feel like one of you, to Nicky, for calling me on my shit," She laughed, "even if I wasn't always ready to hear it. And to you, Alex," she turned to the guitarist, "For everything." Her voice broke and she shook her head, raising up her glass. "To a fucking amazing tour."

"To a great tour," Everyone repeated, downing their drinks quickly before Red left them to finish getting ready.

Piper sat down at her make-up station, next to Alex's and the guitarist couldn't help but glance at her out of the corner of her eye. She was beautiful. Not her ususal every day beautiful, but there was a glow about her. The thought crossed her mind that perhaps she had come to terms with marrying Larry and she tried to brush off the pang it gave her. She had squashed any hope between them, when it was all said and done. She had let Piper go, once and for all. Who was she to be disappointed because the blonde was marrying the man she had chosen in the first place?

"Hey," Piper said easily, applying bronzer efficiently. "You ready for tonight?"

If she was taken aback Piper had intiated a casual conversation, she tried not to let on. "Yeah. I mean, I think so. I think it'll be good."

"I just can't believe it's the last show. I know I came on board late in the game...but it's been incredible. So...I don't know...I guess just want to say thank you again."

"You don't have to thank me, Piper. You're amazing. You know you are and personal stuff between us aside, we lucked out finding you."

"Al..." Her voice lowered a decibel then she stopped. "I wish-"

"Please don't. Not now, OK? Let's just concentrate on going out there and having the best fucking show possible. Can we do that?"

"Yeah...yes. We definitely can." The blonde turned back to her mirror and didn't really speak to the guitarist or anyone else until they were called to take their places.

"Alright ladies," Alex took in the relaxed, content faces of her bandmates, "last show. We need to show them we're in it. Got it? Full throttle, OK?" Her expression softened ever so slightly. "Love you guys."

Piper's eyes happened to meet hers and for a second, she was unable to look away. She had spoken a truth, in more ways than one, and it was too late to take it back. But it was the truth, she did love each of them, Piper, included, albeit in a different context. She wouldn't apologize for it, even though everything was fucked up, even though the world was topsy turvy...loving Piper was her truth and she didn't see it changing anytime soon.

They stepped out on the stage, Red watching from the wings (something she hadn't done since the very first show on the tour) and immediately, Alex was swept up the energy. Their last show on their very first tour. The period of uncertainty where she didn't know if they would survive seemed like it had been a lifetime ago but she was painfully aware that their story could have been completely different, that the fact they were there was amazing and she wasn't about to take everything for granted.

The audience was wild and responsive and they fed off of their love; Alex could look around the stage and see the pure joy on Nicky and Poussey's faces, in the way they matched her grin.

And Piper...Piper wore the same glow she had had in the dressing room. There was a peacefulness about her that hadn't been presentl lately, her mouth relaxed, her shoulders held not at their ususal rigidity. She sang with the same clear, open quality she always had but there was more...Alex could hear the love as she sang, she could physically _feel_ it...love for them all, love for the crowd, love for what she was doing. It was so palpable and real that the weight of it nearly took her breath away.

It came to the time where Alex introduced them, pausing in between each name to allow for cheering, which seem to go on forever.

"And I'm Alex Vause! As you guys know, this is our last show and there's no where we'd rather be than in our home city. It's been an incredible tour and we all just wanna say thank you! We love you all!"

She re-positioned her guitar, waiting for the yelling to subside to launch into "Inevitable" as the others waited for her cue

"Hey New York!" Piper unexpectedly leaned into the microphone, taking Alex completely aback, and she let her strap slide slightly down her chest.

"So this is our last show and I want to share something with you all. Is that OK?" Her question was met by shouts of approval and she smiled. "Thanks." She stepped off stage, into the wings, returning with her own guitar. "You guys can take it easy for a few minutes," she gestured to the stools Alex and Nicky perched on for the slower numbers.

"So," Piper began, looking out into the crowd. "This is a song I wrote for someone special. It's actually the second song I wrote for them and maybe you'll hear that one someday too but..."She trailed off. "I screwed up. Simply put. So...here it goes."

"What the fuck is going on?" Alex muttered under her breath to Nicky who shrugged. It was a ballsy move to take over the concert to play an original song (not that anything Piper did surprised her anymore) and for some reason, she convinced herself instantly that the song was a plea of forgiveness to Larry which definitely had no place at their show (never mind it pissed her the fuck off).

The singer began strumming her guitar, picking her head up to sing into the microphone, her voice rich and clear.

 _I'_ _ve hardly been outside my room for days, Cause I don't feel that I deserve the sunshines rays. The Darkness helped until the whiskey wore away. And it was then I realized the conscience that never fades._

While gorgeous and percise, Alex could hear the anguish in her voice as she dug into the second verse and her stomach twisted hearing her pain.

 _When you're young, you have this image of your life, That you'd be scrupulous and one day even make a wife. And you make boundaries you'd never dream to cross, and if you happen to you wake up completely lost._

The singer closed her eyes, leaning into the first chorus.

 _But I_ _will fight for you, be sure that I will fight. Until we're the special two once again. And we will only need each other, we'll bleed together. Our hands will not be taught to hold another's, cause' we're the special two._

 _And we can only see each other, we'll bleed together. These arms will not be taught to need another's, cause' we're the special two._

"Holy fucking shit," Nicky nudged her indiscreetly. "It's about you."

"What?" She replied dumbly.

"The song, stupid. The song is about you."

 _I remember someone old once said to me, that lies will lock you up with truth the only key. But I was comfortable and warm inside my shell and couldn't see that this place would soon become my hell._

Alex listened intently as Piper sang, the blonde looking out into the audience until she got to a specific place.

 _I know I'm not deserving of your trust from you right now,_ She snuck a glance at Alex (subtle but there it was), _But if you change your mind, you know I will not let you down. Cause' we were the special two and we will be again._

Tears spilled from her eyes, open and sorry and Alex's heart clenched as she jumped on the wings of the chorus, fingers flying furiously over her guitar strings.

 _And we will only need each other, we'll bleed together. These hands will not be taught to hold another's, cause' we're the special two. And we will only see each other, we'll breathe together. These arms will not be taught to need another's, cause' we're the special two._

The last note of the song hung in the air as she wiped her eyes on her sleeve. "Thanks for listening, guys," She said as the applause began. "That was "The Special Two". You guys ready for this next one?" She nodded to Alex to pick up her own guitar to start the chords to "Inevitable".

The dark haired woman was frozen to the spot, a deer in headlights until Nicky bumped her to push the stools back. "Next song, man," She whispered, "Focus."

Jolted, she started to play, shutting out what had just happened, shifting her complete concentration on what was going on in the moment so she wouldn't lose her shit.

A stunt like that would have normally infuriated her as she was deadly serious about the manner in which they handled themselves on stage but Piper's song was beautiful and haunting and more than that, she had written it for _her_ and it was difficult to process how that felt, what it meant, but for the other woman to sing it in front of a thousand people...it was fearless.

The rest of the concert was uneventful and when they played the very last encore and left the stage, the four of them had tears in their eyes (though Nicky tried to play them off as stage dust) and Poussey gathered them all into a fierce group hug in the wings chanting, "And that's a wrap, ladies. We fuckin' slayed this tour. Fuck yes!" Red even got caught up in the moment as Poussey pulled her into their small circle, uncharistically jovial.

"You did good, girls. Chapman," she winked. "Beautiful song, even though I don't approve of displays like that with no warning. "May have to go on the new album. Don't you think, Vause?"

Luckily she didnt wait for a response before she laughed. "Come girls, go change. We have a closing party to get to and people who want to meet you."

They did as told, changing quickly into their party clothes, the mood in the room light and happy. Piper joked with Nicky and Poussey but no one mentioned her song or the fact they all were well aware of who it had been for.

"I'll meet you guys there," Piper told them. She had changed into a simple red cocktail dress, her hair loose and she had kept her dramatic concert make-up on; a smoky, sultry eye with nude lips. Without waiting for a response, she gathered her things quickly and left the room.

"Well, fuck," Nicky began but Poussey shook her head to silence her.

"Not the time, man."

"Fine," The bassist replied sulkily. "Only cuz I kinda like you and you look super hot right now."

Poussey wore an off the shoulder fitted white shirt and black pants, tucked into black boots. "Lookin' smokin' yourself, Nick."

Alex could have sworn the bassist was blushing but she did look nice and Nicky in a dress was a rare thing to behold. "You OK, Vause? You're pale as fuck. And that's all I'm gonna say," She said pointedly to the drummer.

"I will be. Let's just go." She ran a brush through her own hair and straightened her short black and red patterned dress which she had pared with combat boots. It wasn't her intent to get wasted at the party, but she would need more than a few drinks to deal with the people Red would introduce them to and to logically process the events of the concert.

The Foundry was large and open and they were immediately handed flutes of champagne upon entering which Alex downed in one long gulp.

"Oh good, you're here," Red greeted, taking her by the arm before she even had a chance to put down her empty glass. "There are some gentleman I'd like you to meet...Where's Chapman? They are dying to meet her too."

"Uh, I don't know. She'll probably be here soon."

"I hope so. That one is turning out to be more difficult than you. And that is saying something. Come."

Alex let herself be led away, waving over her shoulder to Nicky and Poussey who didn't look at all bothered to be excluded in introductions and made a beeline to the open bar.

Mercifully, Piper arrived not long after so she let her and Red do most of the talking. If there was a part of her job she hated, that she couldn't quite get used to, it was networking, even more so than interviews. She lacked the social graces to properly bullshit and preferred to let Piper (who had done more than her fair share of schmoozing over the years) smoothly make small talk and leave Red's business associates thoroughly charmed.

They finally finished and made an escape, Alex managing to swipe them both more champagne and some canapes from a nearby waiter passing them. She found a quiet spot for them to sit on a loveseat, away from some of the din.

"Thank you," She told her companion gratefully, breathing a sigh of relief. "I don't know how you do it."

"Do what?" Piper bit into her canape. "Function lately? Me either."

"Talk to people without sounding like an asshole."

The blonde shrugged. "Lots of practice at lots of boring parties my mother and father hosted. I had to be at every single one of them. I figured out pretty early on what's acceptable and what's not to talk to rich people about." She paused to drink, draining her glass, "Anyway, no need to thank me. I know you're not comfortable making small talk."

They were silent for a minute before Alex took an enormous breath and turned to face her. "Piper," she dove in, "that song-" Shaking her head, she rose. "Can we go somewhere?"

"Terrace?"

Alex nodded and followed the singer wordlessly outside, passing by with a quick wave to her friends who each had a drink in hand.

The terrace was empty and as they leaned against the balcony, Alex was reminded of another time in the not so distant past when they were on another terrace, in another city, toasting a promise to live in the moment. She would have liked to say it was a time before things had gotten complicated but things had been always been complicated...they had been the second she shook Piper's hand.

"So, the song..."Piper let her eyes connect with Alex's. "You figured out I wrote it for you, huh?" She smiled. "It's the second one I wrote, if you can believe it. The first one was alot...lighter. I wrote the one I sang tonight after our conversation at the park."

"Piper-" She didn't have adequate words. What little words she did have failed her as she struggled to express herself. "It was beautiful," she finally settled on. "What you said-"

"I meant it," The blonde cast her gaze downward. "I needed you to hear it. If you never knew how I really felt-" She paused, bringing her eyes back up to look at Alex again. "Look, Alex, the truth is, I'm-I am who I am and I'm probably never going to change. You're right. I know what I want but I'm too fucking scared. So you're right to move on, you're probably better off without me." Her voice was soft as she reached out to gently cup her face. "You have to know, Alex, if I could, I'd fight like hell for you. I would fight so fucking hard."

Piper leaned forward and kissed her lightly, so lightly, Alex could've mistaken it for the breeze brushing her lips. "You've showed me what it means to love and I'll always love you. Always. But I haven't been fair to you. I won't hurt you anymore." She turned to leave.

Speechless, Alex tried to take her hand. "Piper, wait...please."

But she was already gone.

 _Authors Note: One more chapter! Hard to say good-bye to this fic but I hope you all will enjoy what's to come..._

 _One belongs to the brilliant Ed Sheeran. Thanks to Alyienlorriane for the suggestion!_

 _The Special Two is the work of the equally amazing Missy Higgins._


	32. Chapter 32

"How come you can't see it for what it is, baby?" Diane would ask. "It's God...givin' us a miracle."

It was an on going occurance. Whenever they happened to come upon just enough extra money not to get evicted that month or Diane would find an almost brand new Jordache jean jacket in the charity bin at church that Alex had requested for Christmas or if she was able to switch shifts at the diner so she was able to be pick up Alex from school, it was always a miracle, a gift from God. Never mind they weren't religious in the least, Alex couldn't even remember the last time they had gone to church, even for holidays. Yet it her mother's go to explanation when she had none.

"Baby," Her voice boomed over the phone, "Do you know what that song is? It's a-"

"Mom," Alex rolled her eyes (in the next minute, she became both paranoid Diane would realize what she was doing from hundreds miles away and immensely grateful her mother refused to Facetime), crossing her pajama clad legs, "if you say a miracle...I love you, but I'm hanging up."

"I was _going_ to say a sign, Al. No need to be a punk. I mean, don't you think so?"

"I don't know...a week ago, maybe. But she left, Mom...she wrote this amazing song for me and I believed that she wanted to fight for us, but before I could say anything, she walked out. Tell me what _that_ means."

"Well," Her mother paused and her daughter could she tell she was carefully considering.,"Maybe she wants to fight to be with you but she's not ready to stand up for herself yet. Listen, Alex...you were scrappy since day one but that's only cuz' you had to be, you didn't have a choice. From what ya told me, Piper wasn't allowed to ever be who she was. There was nothin' to stand up for because she didn't know how."

"Maybe. I'm at a loss here." She took a long sip of coffee, setting the mug down on the kitchen table. "I'm just so tired of it all. I don't know, Ma...part of me thinks this was Piper's way of telling me to let her go, once and for all. She knows she can't change."

Al-"

"No," She quietly cut in, "it's ok.. "At least I got to find out what it was like to fall in love, right? And to have my heart shattered into a million pieces all at once. Maybe I'll be smarter next time."

There was no bitterness in her comment. Bitterness wouldn't change anything. It wouldn't heal or mend or turn back the clock. It would do no good, for any of them.

"Oh sweetie...I hate that you're hurting right now. I hate it so much."

"It is what it is, Mom. Look, I gotta go. Nicky's taking me to breakfast," she fibbed. "Call you later?"

"OK, baby," Diane sighed reluctantly, "I just wish there was more I could do right now."

"You're listening. You're here. That's more than enough."

They hung up and Alex went back to her Saturday morning routine of coffee on the terrace (if it wasn't too cold) and reading the newspaper. Though there was nothing typical about this Saturday morning, she thought if she went through the motions, she would feel better or more normal, anyway. So far, it wasn't working.

Her phone buzzed beside her, signaling a text from Nicky, a perfunctory one of concern which she decided to ignore for the time being. Two things would come from not replying (she had gone through it enough times in the course of their friendship to predict Nicky's behavior); Nicky would get pissed at her and send more texts, each one more indignant than the last and after not hearing from her for a few hours, she'd call and leave a voicemail that was more concerned than angry and in the rare occasions when even that didn't work, she would show up at her door, by that time both simultaneously livid and worried sick.

Nicky had a hard time with distance and while Alex understood (better than anybody) that she was coming from a genuinely good and well intentioned place, she couldn't quite seem to make the curly haired woman grasp that when she was in a darkness, one that threatened to swallow her up, she couldn't be around anyone. At all. She couldn't process, couldn't breath, couldn't decifer up from down, when she was in the throws of it, and it was something she had to be alone for.

She had suffered silently for years; learning at a young age to shoulder the burden for her own problems. Her mother was almost always exhausted and stressed and though she knew she could come to her with anything, she didn't want to add to an already heavy load by having Diane cope with her issues too. For the most part, music helped ease her despair but there were a few times in her life where nothing could and it was then she had turned to a remedy that worked briefly; a bandaid that revealed a wound far more gaping that she could've imagined.

Alex decided as she curled up on the couch, alone in her apartment, she would treat today in a similar way as her very first day of detox sixteen years ago. She would allow herself to feel ravaged and defeated and want to die and then it would be done. She'd come through on the other side and be able to go on. As much as it hurt to let go, as much as it obviously hurt Piper to let go, there they were, and she had to believe it was all for the best.

After she had showered and dressed and gone back to lying silently on the couch, she was startled by a knock on the door.

"I'm fine, Nick," She grumbled, assuming her friend had finally reached the point where she was worried enough to check on her. "I really need to be alone right now. I'll call you later, alright?"

"It's not Nick," An unfamiliar voice answered through the closed door. "It's Polly. Piper's friend."

 _Holy shit._ Springing up, Alex immediately allowed the other woman in. "Uh, it's messy. Sorry." She didnt know why she was apologizing but then again, she had no idea why Polly was there in the first place or how she even know where she lived.

She waved her away and Alex noticed she was dressed in sweats but her hair was in soft waves and her make-up done. "It's fine. I'm not staying long."

"Do you want to sit?"

Polly perched on the couch and Alex joined her on the other end. "Look, Alex," She began, her gaze locked on her Uggs, "I know there's no love lost between us here. Mainly because what I think you and Piper did to Larry was extremely shitty. But I'm also not stupid."

"Larry thinks I'm a manipulative vulture who seduced his fiancee when he was away under the pretense of looking out for her." Alex's eyes flashed from behind her glasses daringly. "Is that what you think too?"

Polly lifted her head to finally look at her. "At first," she answered honestly. "But being around Pipe these past few days," she sighed. "She's miserable. And maybe Larry can't see it. Or maybe he can, but he's willing to ignore it, I don't know. But she's just going through the motions. She's getting married in four hours and you might think she's going to prision."

Alex let this sink in, let the information settle into her brain to process. The truth was, she felt nothing but pure exhaustion. All the anguish and heartbreak and self-destructiveness had brought her to a place where there was nothing left. The tiredness seeped into her bones and head and spirit and all she wanted to do was sleep, sleep, sleep until a small semblance of herself was even recognizable again.

"She made a choice," Alex stated quietly. "And I have to respect it."

"Piper is...complicated." Polly acknowledged, crossing her legs. "I love her. She's my best friend. But she kind of lets this fear control her life and her decisions. I think that's why we were all shocked when she auditioned for your band. It's totally not like her to take a risk like that."

"She took the risk of pursuing a music career in the first place and going against her parents."

"She has moments of impulsivity," The other woman smiled slightly before becoming serious again. "That's what I thought you were at first...another moment of impulsivity...Pipe experimenting with something she always wanted to try in college, before she got married. But I realized that's not what this is."

"No?"

Polly shook her head. "That's what I wanted to believe. It's what Larry's convinced himself of." She looked to Alex again. "She loves you. And I can turn a blind eye and let her walk down that aisle and ignore it but it won't make it any less true."

"Why are you here?" The dark haired woman questioned, "I'm not trying to be rude. I'm just...confused. I love Piper. That's the easy part. But if she's afraid of being with me...if she's willing to marry someone she doesn't love _because_ she's afraid...I have to let her go, Polly."

"Listen, I thought about it," She replied carefully, "And when it comes down to it, all I want is for Piper to be happy. I almost lost her and then I watched her try to come back from that scumbag making her feel worthless and her career going nowhere...if you make her happy, then it doesn't matter what I think." She stood up and fished an envelope out of her purse, handing it to Alex. "She wanted me to give this to you." As Polly turned to leave, she looked at the guitarist ."The two of you need to fucking get it together," she said bluntly. "If that's possible."

Alex watched her leave wordlessly, staring at the envelope she had pressed into her hand but unable to actually bring herself to open it.

Polly obviously had no personal stake in what happened with them, except that she seemed certain that Larry wouldn't make her happy. It was a huge turn around from what she had thought before when she was convinced that Alex had manipulated her, had seduced her into an affair. If she said it didn't get her thinking, she would be lying.

Trembling slightly, she opened up the letter, sliding it out, the paper shaking as her eyes scanned the length of it. She drew her knees up to her chin in a futile attempt for comfort.

 _Dear Alex,_

 _As you're reading this, it's the night before my wedding. I'm in my hotel suite, alone. It's late but I can't sleep. My head is racing with all kinds of things and I don't see myself relaxing anytime soon, so here I am...I'm not sure I can put it all down on paper, but I'll try._

 _When I was little, I thought about the future. Like most kids, I wanted to be a million things when I grew up. I wanted to be a teacher or a doctor or an artist. I wanted to be a mom, the works. My parents drilled into me how important it was to marry well, to have money, to be successful. But they never once mentioned love. How important that was. So I grew up believing it wasn't, not really. After all, it didn't seem to matter to them. They were all about appearances. And I never even really felt they loved each other or me, for that matter.. I was a perfect little trophy for them...someone to show off to their friends. I had everything I could ever want, materialistcally, so I felt guilty for being unhappy. But I didn't have what I needed the most._

 _The night I tried to end my life ten years ago...it wasn't the first time. I was fifteen when I took a handful of my mother's Xanax and walked into the living room to tell them. I got my stomach pumped and everyone said I did it for attention, but the truth was, I wanted to die. And I wanted them to know that they had done it...that they had failed me._

 _I'm not telling you this because I want you to feel bad for me, Alex. I'm acutely aware of how privileged I was, of how easy I had it. I just want you to know how difficult it is for me to accept love. Friendship, yes. Being taken care of, yes...but to feel truly loved...and to love back...I guess I don't feel I deserve it. Which sounds crazy, but I never have._

 _My parents had conditional love for me...as long as I was their good and dutiful Piper, they could love me. My first boyfriend (if you could even call him that), wanted ownership over me, to posess me, no love there either. And Larry, as sweet as he is, as kind as he is...I think he likes taking care of me, seeing me as this flower he needs to tend to to keep alive. Just as I convinced myself I was in love with him, I think he convinced himself he was in love with me too._

 _For the first time in my entire life, I found someone who knows me. I could tell from the second you touched me, Alex. From the instant you looked into my eyes...I didn't need to say a word. Because you knew...knew my story and my pain and my weaknesses. I didn't have to be perfect or put together or brave...I just had to be Piper. It was the most amazing, freeing , feeling..._

 _And then, in turn, I got to know you...and to know you, is to find out that the beauty on the outside is equally matched by your inner beauty. I learned that you're tough and vulnerable and fearless. You're the most insanely talented and dedicated person I've ever met and your fierce loyalty has taken my breath away on more than one occasion. And getting to meet your amazing mother made me understand how you grew up to be the way you are. I couldn't believe someone like you could fall in love with me, someone who never felt she was anything special._

 _So instead of taking this beautiful, incredible thing as the gift it was (the kind of love most people aren't fortunate enough to experience in this lifetime), I ran. And there were so many reasons, so many excuses...I was scared, I didn't deserve it, I wasn't good enough or brave enough...the bottom line was, I wasn't enough. I knew eventually I would fuck up because that's what I do. And deep down, I think you know that's the truth._

 _But even now as I cry tears for the love I lost of my own accord, I don't feel empty. My heart is full because I was gifted with you...even if just for a short while, even though I let such a precious thing slip away. And I'm grateful I'll still have you in my life, still get to make music with you...though not in the context I fully want._

 _You were right, Alex. I need to fight. For the first time in my life, I need to put myself first. To truly believe I deserve to be happy. It won't be easy but I think it'll be worth it. To be honest, I don't know how I'm going to begin to do it...but thank you. For believing in me. Even when I couldn't._

 _Love Always,_

 _Piper_

She put the letter down next to her, wiping her eyes haphazardly with the back of her hand. God, she ached for Piper. Not so much for herself (finally, she could sit with her own pain, accept it while not entirely embracing it) but for Piper who truly felt she was too fucked up to be worthy of being loved. Who was used to being owned and paraded around and coddled like a child but could not handle being fully embraced by someone who just wanted _her._

So Alex allowed herself to weep for her, for a woman who would never truly embrace how incredibly special she was. If she had believed in God, she would've prayed that the singer found some sort of solace. She knew all too well what it was like to live with demons and the destruction those demons could do if they weren't kept at bay. There was no telling what the blonde would do next, if she would go forth with marrying Larry, or if she would do what she said and finally put her own hapiness first.

The tears ran dry and her head was pounding and her mouth felt like sandpaper but there was a clarity that she hadn't felt in months. The weight of the world had been upon her shoulders, with the tour and the Lorna mess and keeping Nicky out of trouble and Piper. Now she could breathe again and come back into a place of peace where she hadn't lived in too damn long.

Alex stretched her arms high toward the ceiling, groaning at how damn good a simple gesture could feel. She would concern herself with her own needs at the present time and worry about the rest later.

Picking up her phone, she hit a button and held it to her ear, listening. "Hey, it's me. Yes, I'm alive. No, I don't wanna talk about it. Hah hah, very funny," Alex rolled her eyes, fiddling with the zipper of her sweatshirt. "Listen, I'm just calling to let you know, I'm taking off today. On vacation. For two weeks," she added, pausing for a response. "Yeah, I know. No, I'm booking a flight as soon as we hang up. I don't know," She answerd thoughtfully, contemplating. "Somewhere warm, I guess. I need to fucking regroup, that's all." Holding the phone away from her ear, she grimaced. "Shit, man, you gotta yell? I'm not running away from anything. I'm taking the damn vacation you all agreed I should fucking go on. Sorry," she apologized in the same breath, "Look, Nick, I need a break, OK? Not just from Piper...from my own shit too. I'll text you when I know where I'm going. Yeah. LaGuardia. Love you too." Her voice softened considerably. "I will. Bye."

Within two hours, her flight was booked, bags were packed and she was at the airport. She settled in the Jet Blue terminal, closing her eyes with a deep sigh of relief and waited to be called to board.

She could almost feel the heat of the tropical sun on her skin as she envisioned herself on the beach in St. Bart's. She had been lucky enough to book a private villa (despite paying a small fortune) at the last minute and couldn't wait to do absolutely nothing, to think about absolutely nothing, for two solid weeks.

As promised, she let Nick know where she was going as soon as she knew and had gotten a call from both her and Poussey in return. The drummer had given her her complete blessing, voicing aloud she hoped Alex found the inner peace she was looking for while Nicky reasoned her friend practically had a moral responsibility to drink and hook up with random girls.

Finally, her flight was announced and she rose to stand in line, her carry on bag slung over her shoulder.

"Alex! Wait!"

The dark haired woman spun around to see a breathless Piper, her cheeks tinged slightly pink from running. Her make-up was impeccable and a veil was pinned to her head, looking completely out of place with her Addias sweat pants and sneakers.

"Piper?" Alex said incredulously. "What are you doing here?"

"Stopping you from leaving the country, apparently."

"Miss," The gate agent broke in, "The flight is boarding now so if you're going to continue your conversation-"

"Uh, Brooke," Alex peered at her nametag. "I am so sorry. One minute please. I promise. Please. Just one minute."

"One minute," The agent warned. "If I make an exception for you, then I'll have to make one for everyone."

"Thank you so much." She flashed a grateful smile and then stepped out of line to regard Piper. "Seriously, what are you doing here? I'm gonna fucking kill Nicky. I'm about to get on a plane."

"I know. And I'm sorry, but I needed to see you."

" I don't understand. You're getting married. Or you're already married, I guess."

"Alex," The blonde implored and Alex finally looked into her eyes, nearly gasping at what she saw in their depths. "I'm not married."

Piper was speaking but Alex found herself having trouble comprehending her words. Nothing was quite sinking in and she blinked rapidly to try and make sense of what she was saying. "You're not?"

The blonde smiled indulgently. "No," she replied gently, her voice as soft as a caress. "I couldn't go through with it."

"Holy shit." Remembering they were letting her board last, she went up to the gate agent. "Thanks for waiting but I need to talk to my friend."

"But your flight..."

"Fuck the flight."

She led them to a bench in the terminal. There wasn't much privacy and Piper was drawing stares with her veil, but it would have to do.

"I got your letter," Alex said after they had sat. "Pipes-God. What changed? I mean, I'm so fucking glad that you did what you said, you know? But I just-"

"I don't know. One minute I was getting my make-up done and my hair and wondering if you were reading my letter and the next minute, I was calling Nicky to find you and I just...I left. I told Polly to tell Larry and everyone else I was so sorry but I couldn't live a lie. And then I was on the train to come here." She shook her head, her eyes bright. "It's like I had this moment of total clarity. And I asked myself-what do you deserve? Really and truly?"

"You deserve to be happy, Piper." Alex leaned forward in her seat. "And it's not something you're going to get completely from someone else."

"I know that now. But I also know I'm so fucking _tired_ of being afraid. I had to stop, Al...I had to stop and tell myself for once in my existence to quit being a total coward. I know what pure bliss feels like." Piper shook her head in wonder, "I feel it when I step out on a stage. I feel it when I connect with a room full of people I don't know at all but we're together in it anyway...and I feel it when I'm with you. When I'm just standing near you or when you're looking at me. I felt it every single time we made love. You make me so fucking indescribably _happy._ And I'll scream it from the rooftops if that's what it'll take for you to believe me."

She reached over to take Alex's hand in hers and as their eyes connected, Piper's were cerulean pools...clear and honest. "So I'm taking your lead here, Al. And I may suck at the whole complete honesty thing, but I'm trying," she smiled. "This is the deal. I want you. Just you. I want to wake up with you and go to sleep with you and make you laugh and we'll fight an then have amazing make-up sex and make music together. I want that with you. It's my turn to lay it on the line. Because all the good things in my life? If I can't share them with you, Alex...I don't want them. You...you're _everything."_

Tears cascaded down her cheeks and she brushed them away. "Listen, you don't have to say anything. I know how much I fucked things up so-"

Alex cut her off, cupping her cheek tenderly. "Be quiet."

"What?"

She captured her lips with her own, kissing her greedily, ignoring the applause and cheers of people around them who apparently had been listening to their conversation.

As she broke away, burying her face into Piper's hair, (inhaling the sweet smell that she had missed beyond comprehension) her heart was fireworks and shooting stars and sparkles and so full with how complete it was, she was sure it would burst.

"Al," Piper burrowed into her body, her cheek flush against hers, "I can't promise I'm not gonna make you completely crazy..."

"Oh, baby," Alex laughed throatily, throwing her head back, "We are already there."

The blonde nudged her. "Stop. I'm serious." She regarded the dark haired woman. "Are you really prepared for a relationship with me?"

"Pipes," She drawled fondly, wrapping her arms around her slim waist, "Has anyone ever told you you talk entirely too much?"

"Mmmm, once or twice."

"C'mere." Pulling her to stand, Alex enveloped her tightly, her lips grazing her ear. "Just so you know...I'm never letting you go again."

"Good thing," Piper leaned into her. "Because I'm planning on sticking around."

 _Epilogue_

"Do you think it's too much?"

"Babe, relax. Everything looks great. You did an amazing job."

"Thanks. I just want everything to be perfect. It's our first time hosting something here. As a couple."

"Piper...baby. Listen to me, alright?" Alex took her girlfriend's face into both of her hands, gently stroking her cheeks with the pads of her thumbs. "The table's beautiful. The flowers are beautiful. And you...you're beyond beautiful. Please stop worrying. Everyone coming for brunch today loves us...so there's no pressure. You are adorable when you're nervous though," She pressed a chaste kiss to her forehead.

The blonde sighed. "I don't know...I guess there's been alot of changes the past few months and I want everyone to feel completely at ease."

"They will," She reassured her, watching as Piper wiped an imaginary speck of dust off of the coffee table with her finger.

It had been nearly six months since they had begun officially dating and three since Piper had moved to New York to live with her. It was a logical progression, since they recorded their albums in the city and the rest of the band resided there. Piper had gone back to Boston briefly to tie up loose ends and gather her things (Alex could tell she still felt badly about the way things had ended with Larry) and then settled rather easily (suprisingly so) into domestic life.

The singer had come leaps and bounds with dealing the torrent of emotions she had managed to slip under the rug her entire life. She had (with Alex's support) sought out a therapist who was helping her process her past and was making steady progress daily. She was learning who she was, not who others wanted her to be, and Alex couldn't have been prouder.

"No more cleaning." Alex took her into her arms, pulling her onto the couch with her as Piper squealed. "Love you," She positioned the blonde on her lap. "Just so you know."

"I do," Piper acknowledged with an grin, "But it's nice to hear it." She leaned over to kiss the other woman, Alex moaning as she ran her lips over a tendon on her neck.

"Shit!" The blonde broke away abruptly, "I have to go get the quiche out of the oven."

"Seriously? Right now? Are you trying to kill me, woman?"

"Yes, right now. Unless you want the apartment to burn to the ground." Kissing her girlfriend's cheek consolingly, she sprang up, darting into the kitchen, as Alex groaned and sank down into the couch cushions.

"Why are we having people over anyway?" She called grumpily. "We could have just had a nice, quiet, _naked,_ Sunday..."

"Because we're leaving on a tour in five days and we won't get a chance to do this, for like, a year?" Piper answered, strolling back into the living room. "It'll be nice to eat with everyone, don't you think?"

"I could think of a few things I'd much rather be eating," The dark haired woman pulled Piper back down with her, grinning wickedly.

"Al!" Her girlfriend playfully swatted at her but snuggled against her all the same."You look amazing, by the way."

Alex looked down at her clothes, puzzled. "I'm wearing your sweater, Pipes, and jeans."

"Mmmhmm, just say thank you. And yes, you look incredible in my sweater. The green matches your eyes." She stroked Alex's long hair, twirling the end gently around her index finger. "And you smell so good." Piper rested her head against Alex's chest as the other woman slid her hands under the thin material of her shirt to stroke her back. "God...I could stay like this all day."

"Still can. Cancel."

"Tempting." The blonde curled up closer. "Everyone will be here any minute."

They lay in comfortable silence, Piper rubbing her feet against Alex's absentmindly. "Al?"

"Mmmm?"

"When we met, all that time ago, did you...I mean, could you have even imagined that we would end up like this ? Us, together. Having our friends coming over to our place. It's completely crazy."

Piper had moments of disbelief frequently, as if it was almost too much to comprehend that she could be this insanely happy.

Alex couldn't blame her. Sometimes she felt the same way, almost shocked that someone who hadn't cornered the market on joy growing up could have everything she could ever want; success in her chosen career, great friends and bandmates, a supportive mother and love as deep and genuine as she had ever thought to exist. Rarely, that familiar pin prick of dread would sneak up on her, threatening to fuck things up, but she learned to brush it off and chase it away with playing music or getting outside or a phone call to Nicky who lived in her own perpetual state of bliss with Poussey in their lower east side rental.

More often than not, all it would take was a small, miniscule touch from Piper, a flicker of blue eyes, her soft lips pressed against the side of her jawbone...a silent promise. They helped each other out, both almost acutely aware of when the other person's insecurities would threaten to sneak up on them sinisterly. They had become each other's champions and protectors.

"I didn't know what would happen exactly," Alex clasped her hand. "But I knew my life was never going to be the same."

In a few minutes, their home, the one they had created together, would be filled with laughter and noise and music and friendship and the conversation and wine would both flow as the table was lined with colorful bowls and beautiful flowers and they would all eat and drink for hours until everyone left.

But at that moment, Alex reveled in the fact she could be selfish and have Piper all to herself, if only briefly.

"I think I knew that too," The blonde said quietly. "I think I knew it when you took my hand." She smiled into the cashmere of her own sweater. "I love our life."

"Me too, kid." Alex agreed softly, tucking her girlfriend's head to fit under her chin, "Me too."

 _Thank you all SO much for reading! Your reviews have made it all worth the long journey and I hope you all enjoyed the ride. This fic (and your amazing responses) have honestly lifted my spirit and shed much light on a dark time in my life. That means more to me than you know. So thank you again, from the bottom of my heart!_

 _Jess_


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